I LIKE TO SAY YOUR NAME

I like to say
your name

when you're
not here

turn you
into sound

conjure you out of
thin air

so that you appear
before me

dressed in sound
only

memory sketching in
the rest of you

as if sound
was just an outline

and love
colours you in

adding the voice last
so I can hear you say.

"Hello you..!"
and there you are

as present
as present

can be.

I like to say
your name

when you're
not there.

I didn't want you,
I wanted love
and I have realised
that they are not the same thing.

You were a mould
that I poured my insecurities in,
a computer I tried to program.

But you are a sky,
stormy and clear and rainy and warm.

You were so blue when I longed for red.

I didn't want you.
I wanted the thought.

You don't know me.
I read books, listen to music, watch movies, meet friends.
I cook, I bake, I drink,  sometimes to much.
I learn new things, sometimes not enough.
I work, eat, sleep , repeat.
I draw, I wirte, I exercise.
I try to date to the date.
I have good days and I have bad days.
I struggle everyday, more than you can see.
I do all these things, trying out new ways to be me,
  that you know nothing about.

Now you don't get to look down on,
Don't you dare try lecturing me.

For you left when I was a child
and didn't care to visit.
Now you're back in my life
but it's not for my good, is it?

I owe you nothing.
Keep your distance.

It can't be

That I will spend an entire life,
Begging for love,
Confused by anger,
Afraid of frowns,
Eager to blame,
Bored with myself,
And
Waking up dead,

Can it?

is this
what it feels like
to be a fossil
in the making?
to have pebbles,
sand and grit
swept slowly
on top of me.
not to mention
the crushing
and deafening
of miles of water
pressing it all down
to bury me.

but sometimes
sometimes there's
relief and light
when someone
digs through the
weight to reveal
the shadow of the
creature that once
lay there.
but then that husk
is reduced to
cinders in a mountain
of others.
and i guess you could say
that 'power station'
is adulthood.
or life.

i'm a self destructive person

so i relate to the lines

'fine, make me your villain'

because sometimes i'll make myself the villain on purpose

because i think it's easier than letting someone try to forgive me

maybe i really am the villain