I hear the water
As I stand in the shower
I feel the water running down my hair.

My anxiety starts to subside.

Suddenly the light goes out.
Darkness envelopes my thoughts.

I hear the shower door slide open
I see his shadow

Large figure looming toward me.
Well aware of what he is about to do to me.

He tells me to face away
Towards the wall

I do
Slowly

My heart skips a few beats.

Time stops
And I feel like I've died.

He touches me in ways I never wanted him to.

I didm't ask for this.
I didm't want him touching me.

I could't move.
I was paralyzed

He told me to not tell mother
To not tell anyone.

He threatened me
A couple of years later
after I confronted him.

I feel weak and vulnerable
All over again.

I'm 17 again,
And covered in the first cuts I've sliced in to my skin.
Coping with what he did.

I keep thinking I should be gratful that he never did it again.

But
I can't help feeling trapped
Even till this day.

I have still kept our secret.
I still feel he won this fight.

Fear of ruining my loved ones lives
His deadly threats
Prevented me from speaking the truth.

It's too late to seek justice.
I lost my one chance.

I wonder
How much longer can I really stay quiet.

And if I do tell them.
Would it even matter to them?
I know my mother didn't care.

I guess it's wishful thinking.

I need to continue coping.
Not by bleeding this time-
But by using the memories and hurt.

Write
Read.

Learn to be stronger than a person
who would shun their loved one from their life.
Because he is afraid to see the truth.

I will always still love you.
But I will take what you've done
To the grave with me.

Everything I feel.
Every memory that comes back to haunt me.

I just keep running from them.
Knowing they can never be redeemed.

Some days are a burden on me.
Other days, I see a ray of hope.

I need to remind myself
To stay in the present.

Ignore the things that cannot be changed.
And face my future
With a smile.

No matter how difficult some days can be.

Like glass.
He saw right through me.

Right down to my core-
Where everything was in pieces.

Lost with a fragile heart.

Verbally and emotionally abused.
Shunned from reality.

To bleed was her escape.
She had her words taken away one night.

Voiceless
Suicidal.
Too distorted to have a mind of her own.

Selling herself to strangers.
She never left so numb.

The world was bleak.
She only lived in her shadow.
The memories of him.

She took her luck too far
She made a deal with life-
Choose the wrong path and you'll come face to face with Death.

Death came and took her soul.
'I love you' it whispered.
Silence enveloped her body.

Shattered in to pieces,
Naked on deaths bed.
She was cremated into a lost soul.

No number of cuts were enough
To take the agony away.

An imprint of her identity was sewn on to her heart.

How much longer will I have to remember?
How many times will I have to tell myself to 'just forget it'?

I can not seek revenge,
I mustn't let death win.

One day
I will have the power to **** off the memories of you.

i will keep living.
Give hope to others.

I will create poetry
from this reality you've given me.
I will break this silence
which you've permanently stitched in to me
and made a part of my life.

Lost in time
These words aren't mine.

Unable to see reality
I plunge in to the darkness.

My hopes distort my dreams.
It seems I can’t tell them apart.

I fear I will never find my calling.
I feel alienated
By my own consciousness.

I don't feel I am ever on the right track.
Everything shifts
From one place to the next.

An uncontrolled mind
Feeding me only lies.

I am my own burden.

I'm walking on glass.
Every step is a risk I take.

Only to fall through the fragile shattered pieces.

And from there
I start again.

These feelings that stir within.
I keep lashing out.

Hurting myself
Instead of standing my ground.

Im weak.
Desperate
And alone.

I lose all sense of control.
Naive and small.

Lying in cold
Painful regret.

I let them walk all over me.
Like a carpet full of stains.

Fear,
Shame,
and regret.

When will I get it right

I am nothing.
Only a shadow
To be forgotten in the end.

Grieving for my lost child
A part of me I never knew.

For she was taken away from me
One night
Long ago.

She was hurt by a man
Taken to her grave
Where her limp body lied.

I cried for her loss.
She lost everything she held on to
For those last minutes on earth.

Till this day
I grieve her death.

She only longed to be loved
And seen for who she truly was.

A fragile heart-
Bound to break
in any moment.

A soulless creature
Feeding herself

To others
Who only crave flesh
And dispose the heart-
Where all her true colors lie.

She neglects herself
Losing control of her self worth
She spirals down.

In to her abyss-
Of self mutilation
And abuse.

She never was able
to find herself.

Lost in the cold
Dark world
Of suppressing
Her emotions.

She only found love
When the blade was pulled.

And there,
lies never spoken
Words of truth.

My age does't define me.
I'm underdeveloped
and mentally delayed.

I burden others
with my ways-
Of making mistakes
Which even a child
would't make.

I see myself
as a weight
on everyone I touch.

Like an illness
that can't be understood
or seen.

I feel at a loss-
knowing I'm odd
Unlike others my age.

I feel independent-
Only to see,
that in reality
I'm not.

Premature at birth
is not an excuse.
To others around me,
I need to try to function
the same.

But I never get it right.
As if I try only to bring myself
back down.

To feel I'll always stay delayed
and betrayed by
my own efforts.

They say I was a miracle baby.
Surviving a 90% possibility
of death or permanent mental damage.

But no one knows
This all comes with a price-
That only degraded my worth
as I grew older.

I can't blame my own birth.
I know it's a blessing to be alive.

It only makes me wonder.
if others would perceive me differently.
As stupid.

The real world
may turn away
when they see me.

How little I could do.
However;
I was born to stay alive.

With this underdeveloped mind-
To be able
to empathise with others
in pain.

Others can judge me,
but I'll never judge myself
anymore.

I will meet others
who carry the same
heavy heart.

And we will create
a movement-
To love others just as they are.

The iridescent light
Lingers in to her eyes.

I feel silence envelope me
As I stare in awe.

Her voice whispers
She will come back to me.

I watch her footsteps,
Slowly fade.

With the sound of the rustling leaves
An imprint left
in to the soft soiled ground.

As I see her
She smiles back at me.

Her presence aglow.
I feel her embrace me.

A last goodbye.

Our last moment together on earth.
As we silently cross paths
Only to find
that we were't meant to be.

As I say my last goodbye.
Tears stream down my eyes.
For I feel guilt
In not understanding you better
Not being patient enough.

But, now I see.
I did all that I could
To give you time and respect.
Only to realize you never loved me.

You were too selfish
and afraid to love me back maybe.

I changed my self for you.
But
It seems you never realized what I did
Only to make you see what I would do for you.

I only wanted affection.
But,
You could care less
About making me feel cared for.

Although,
Maybe I was too needy for you.
In the end,
It's better that I broke up with you.

You taught me to never expect things.
To love myself more
In case, the one you love does't love you back.

Everything happens in life
For a good reason.
Whether it's good or bad.

Life teaches us more than we think it does.

The calm always comes after the storm.

I was naive
Too broken
and distorted
To see

With the past
occupying my mind

I never saw
that what he did
Was a crime.

Blinded by trust
He found his chance
To take away my soul.

This time I cried out
Stopping him from
doing anymore damage.

He stopped with a sigh
Wishing
that my voice would've stayed
Inside.

Wanting more
of what was mine.

I prevented further damage
Yet I realize now
That it was too late.

He succeeded
In obtaining my heart
And tearing it away.

My soul and mind
Clash
In to one.

The music
surrounding the room
Lingers
then fades.

And I feel no more.

Then realization hits me-
I was *****.

He says my name.
Pulls me in close.

Whispers to me passionately
"I love you".

I feel distorted.
Trapped
Lost in time.

I can't feel
My body's gone.

Away from my mind
And my self.

He clings on to me
Like a spider

Unwinds his web
As he silently moves.

Alone in the dark.
I lay in pain.

Tears that taste of betrayal
And mind-numbing fear.

I lay there
Unable to move-
Voiceless
And in tears.

He calls my name again
With fake sympathy.

He rolls back
On to his side.
Muttering words of disgust.

3 am
I'm still lying
Wide awake.

Thinking of redemption
Lost dreams,
and suicide.

Oh, how peaceful
it sounds.

I can learn to live with my shadow-
My demons-
Created by the past.

Sometimes I feel
As if I never made it out alive.

But, I will keep hoping
That in time.

Maybe I'll be alright.

The colorless leaves
Blow in to the air

The cold breath
Of winter breeze gently flows
In and out of the trees

Serenity flows through me
Recalling childhood
Memories and dreams

Your melodic words
Keep playing inside my head

Telling me
To never give up hope
And my dreams

Then I vividly recall
The reason why I'm here

To find you
See that there is more to life
Than hopelessness, and fear

These butterflies on my scars
You've shown me how to heal
From everything depressing and dark

I dedicate this poem to you
For you are my everything
My beating heart.

These words which I write
From the lead of my pencil
Are words of not only truth
But also of hope

Hope
Which I give to myself

These words flow out of me
As if they are my last words
While I am still alive

My creation from ashes and sadness
Swirling its colours so lightly
Watching it create a world of its own

My safe place
Where I long to keep my secrets

A silent haven
The depths of my mind and heart
Where every piece of me is stored

I feel invincible
When  lost in this world

With a heavy heart
In return
It fuels me

To weave through my mind
Finding the hidden source
That's corrupting my sanity

And there, I find peace again
Intertwining myself and I
Where I belong

I hear the quiet voices in the water
As the waves gently roll on to the shore.

He calls my name
and I remember once again.

Why I was put here.
He takes me back to the better days.

A carefree child roaming the world.

He holds my hand
To catch me when I fall.

As the waves splash my ankles.
I squeal with delight
And look up at him
As a silent gesture
To make him hold me.

Where I can feel safe
In his arms.

The good old days.
On the beach.

With the hot sand on my feet
And sunlight in my eyes.

With the cool ocean breeze breathing in to my hair.
As I let it fall on to my face.

I miss those days with him

As much as I know
those days are far gone.
Maybe still,
They can be remade in to a
new memory

Filled with laughter and warm hugs.

I hope one day you can remember and see
Just how much I've missed being with you
Bonding over meals and beer.
Other times
just peaceful silence
Helped me feel closer to you.

Tell me if it's odd to still feel this way.
At my current age.

I only hope
That one day
You and I
Can spend time
To bond closely again.

Like how it used to be
in the past.

At the beach or
in the pool.

This poem doesn't rhyme at all.
But I don't care about that
right now.

I wish you will read this someday
Only to recall our happy memories
That we had before.

And I hope it could be the same again.
Just you and I
On the back porch of your house.

Beer in our hands,
Just looking over the beautiful horizon,
We called home.

So it calls out to me once again.
This dark abyss I call my home.

It's too familiar
A grip so nostalgic
I can't let go.

A sickness that makes me feel alone.
Like a soothing drug
Yet a plague.

It's hard to feel or think
When in this state
I don't feel at all.

I let it take me there.
An invisible lead takes me whole.

I lose my self.
I'm broken once more.

I fill these pages
with long overdue confessions
of you.

Things may have been better between us
if some words were left unsaid.

I still think momentarily
of the things you said.

The anger in your voice
And hatred in your eyes.

You never would have expected me
to ask you such a heart-stopping question
that night.

I close my eyes
whenever I recall that night.

I take myself back
in to the depths of my fears.

A place you have long made me forget.

By now
you and I
are like any other family.

Even now
I feel I am still carrying a burden.
A piece of the past that I need to forget.

I will be okay.

One step forward
and two steps back.

I know that in the end
My life will feel whole again.

Like glass.
He saw right through me.

Right down to my core-
Where everything was in pieces.
Lost with a fragile heart.

Verbally and emotionally abused.
Shunned from reality.

To bleed was her escape.
She had her words taken away one night.

Voiceless
Suicidal.

Too distorted to have a mind of her own.
Selling herself to strangers.
She'd never left so numb.

The world was bleak.
She only lived in her shadow.
The memories of him.

She took her luck too far
She made a deal with life-

Choose the wrong path and you'll come face to face with Death.

Death came and took her soul.
Ripped it apart.

Naked on deaths bed.
She was cremated into a lost soul.

No number of cuts were enough
To take the agony away.

An imprint of her identity was sewn on to her heart.

How much longer will I have to remember?
How many times will I have to tell myself to 'just forget it'?

I can not seek revenge,
I mustn't let death win.

One day
I will have the power to cease these memories of you.

I remember the day you came in to my life.
You said you'll help me change.

I thought I'd finally be able to love myself.
but instead
You showed me greed and insecurity.

Distorting my self image.
I only wanted your love.

You gave it to me
when I lost the pounds.

From then on
You were my addiction.

From time to time
you resurface in to my mind.

You come to me
in the most needed times.

But I know what you want.
To only diminish my self worth.

Only to make yourself feel whole.

You feed off of those who have low self-esteem.
Giving them the illusion that they are worthless without you.

I truly feel that you never loved yourself.
So you prey on the weak
and vulnerable.

How you saw me.
The night I gave in to your tempting words.

But here is the truth-
You will never take over me.

I still feel broken.
Lost in time
When I was left alone
In the cold.
Without a hand to hold.

I was small and weakened
By his words of hate.
He hated me,
Betrayed me.

He took my trust and disfigured my soul.
I felt abandoned and alone.
Lost in the cold.

He left me to bleed.
I tried to breathe

Instead I was used
Convinced that I was wrong.

I was too chained up
in denial to see.
Lost in their fantasies.

No words can describe any of this.
I only wish he never hurt me the way he did.

If only I knew none of it happened because of me.
I might just have been able to stay clean and untouched.

Like a drug
His words poisoned me
Creating a world of self hate.

I only wanted to feel free.
I had to keep bleeding
So I wouldn't remember what he did to me.

I had to replace everything with the feeling of its release.

My thinking is still distorted by his confusing lies.
Maybe someday I can tell him to speak the truth.

He tore out my heart.

So I thought,
Only to feel the real thing later on.

I want to blame him for setting my life up.
For making me feel so ******* worthless
that I would have felt happy to die for him if that made him forgive me.

For being the wrong one instead of him.

He hurt me for so long.
My heart and mind still needs mending.

My family never had a care in the world about me.
They didn't believe me.

And even now
It hurts like ****.

He made me voiceless.
It's why I used my skin instead.

I've already let go of my heart.
You gave me no other choice.

You always crushed my faith in life
So unpredictably
You were able to shatter my dreams
Without saying a word.

The silent presence of you was enough to **** me.

You'll never knew that I kept our secret.

You've defeated me completely.

Yet my heart still beats heavily.

Filled with memories and emotions of you.

I want you to know.
But instead I decided to just let it go.

Let the past be left as a stain inside my heart.

So you will never know the truth.
What damage you put into me.

I'm speechless to speak to you.
Still in fear.

I'm already standing on higher ground.

Tears will always be shed from time to time because of you.
I've already picked up the peaces you left for me.

Somehow I think I surpassed you.

I found a brighter light.
I found myself again.

I want to move hearts
Change minds.

Create a safe haven
For those in pain.

Letting them all know
They are being heard
and are loved.

Unconditionally.
Like how everyone is supposed to be
seen.

Our world will thrive
Filled with gentle hearts.

The day will soon arrive.
Without a shadow of a doubt.

It's only Hope in disguise.

When people start to realise
What life really implies.

Not wealth
Not success.

But to only live life
with passionate and
Devoted hearts.

To see what matters in this life
That is full of criticism and war.

All you need is the bravery and freedom
To be the way you are.

No one ever deserves to be left behind.
We are all protectors of each other.

Help and support.
Those in need.
Who only wish the be freed
from misery.

Words are my inspiration.
Emotions are what fuels me
To put my heart on paper.

Reading helps me realise.
What life really means to me.

And when in times of stress
I take a step back from reality.
And breathe.

I sense the stirring
of my murmuring heartbeat.

My mind is wired and restless.
For many thoughts and emotions
Continuously collide within myself.

My only release
to cease my insomnious mind.
Is to set them free

Even if it means to carve away sleep.
Hoping in the end
That nothing will be left inside of me.

She walks toward the bright sky.
Her face glowing from the rays of the evening light.

And she tries to forget all that she's felt.
Everything from the past and the present, that she try's to stay sane in.

She longs for warm arms to embrace her.
Cold heart breaking with despair.

Her heartbeat races and palpates.
A sudden feeling of loss and grief encircling her.

All she can do now is breathe.
Slowly and calmly.

As she stares out in to the sky,
Now twilight.
She inhales and exhales.
Smells the scent of the memories she's left far behind.

A past she longs to be forgotten.
A relationship she desperately wants back.
To feel normal again.

The wind slowly starts to pick up.
As if it reads her thoughts,
and abruptly,
blows her thoughts into the darkened night sky.

She stands alone in the dark.
Waiting for a sign of hope.
Waiting for her thoughts of him to diminish.

It dawns on her that it will never be gone.
She will never be fee nor alone.
Everything she's felt for him.
Everything she's heard and witnessed.
It'll never leave her side.
And will remain in her heart.
Like an invisible needle disguised between threads.

She stays in her silent solitude.
Hoping the more she tries to move on.
She can and will eventually be happy again.
And will be able to feel nothing but that.
Even with him.

"Time will tell", says a quiet voice in her head.
And she thinks no more.

As I hold his hand softly.
He smiles at me
and holds on to mine.

We walk together everyday
Words are our only tool
For we both are blind.

It doesn't make life difficult for us
since we have each other.
It's a blessing from above
How we've found each other.

He can read me as clear as crystal.
And I
Will forever cherish his warmth

With his solid understanding of my world.
I only sense time
together
Making us bond closer
As the years go by.

Gratefulness can't describe
This way I feel
How much he means to me
And I to him.

In hopes of many more years to come
Fulfilled with joy and laughter.

Love is a miracle
For even we found
A place
In each others hearts.

Blindness shows no weakness.
For it brings out
Our carefree emotions
To love each other
Unconditionally.

Love is never blind and
It never will be.

For we are living proof
That love is meant to be

For everybody.