When I was eight years old, I always wanted to grow up just so I could order the cool toys they were selling on T.V. I never wanted my parents permission to be able to play a game because I felt like a big boy.

When I was first titled “Big Boy” I thought that meant I could make my own mistakes and learn from them, not have my own kite string of restrictions on what I could and couldn’t do that was only being unraveled as time flashed by.

Now that I’m seventeen, I don’t want my own responsibilities, I still want to have the kite string attached to me because at least then I know somebody still cares about me.

I don’t want to worry about how much money I have to eat, or where I’m going to sleep at night because this Kite only feels safe under the roof I live in now. The time my father passes away who am I supposed to look for when I want real advice. Better still why would people come to me for advice?

I want to know that no matter what mistakes in life I make, that my family right now will be there for me in years beyond then

I want a never ending kite string attached to me because the real world is nothing I ever dreamed about. Knowing I have to work hard every single day and only be told I’m appreciated temporarily by people who are considered family.

I don’t want to be the one asked to buy some crazy pillow that glows in the dark and is super cool, by my kids, while I’m sitting in the kitchen worrying about how much money i have for food week after week.

I want to be the one sitting in front of the T.V. again…..

Having my teal colored gameboy waiting for lunch.

But now it’s just that stage, where the string attached to me is about to be clipped, for nightmares of responsibilities, to become reality.

We use Red to represent bad, the devil, so when we hand those red roses over to our lover what are we really saying?

And when you told me that you were taking pills to keep you up on your depression what made you think I would be the one to help you. You were the one that made my life become a revolving door of doctors offices and rite aids keeping me from what you don't think Is normal.

My Favorite Pokemon as a kid was always Squirtle,
I always named him Squirter,
Not knowing anything about how ****** it sounded with my 7 year old mind,
I was always in the backseat of the car saying things like, oh no Squirter died,
or yes my squirter learned hydro pump!
and my favorite, I’m gunna give my Squirter one rare candy.

I always caught girl Pokemon,
Mainly because the symbol for the Gender looked unique to me..
So I would never catch Mewtwo because it was never a girl.

Once I learned you can cheat in Pokemon,
I was getting ready for every gym leader like a high schooler preparing for Spanish Test.
Pokemon levels the same number as the grades of the Spanish Test.

As time goes by you can realize pokemon can be like friends, you can’t catch them all, especially when their falling.

As you sang the drumbeat of my heart at the same time you skipped a beat.

First time I saw you, I knew you would be the rainbow to all my rainy days making every single sad emotion become colorful.

Your smile brings out all the happiness I need, because to me it’s just as valuable as a *** of gold.

A *** of gold can’t keep my heart warm at night when the word divorce slips through my parents lips so many times it becomes the only thing that stutters over and over again in my body.

Your eyes of enlightenment show me the true beauty of this world and if I could, I would study them until I could see every memory I left in the backside of your brain that is filled with cobwebs that read the lost years

I think we were being controlled by puppeteers, a string made up trust tied to our the edge of our lips so that way when we talked we were Always being honest.

But when our lips did touch, I watched sparks of commitment fly around your head like fireflies at midnight in the woods in the middle of the summer.

The Time my life became a downward roller coaster I wanted to put gun to my chest and pull the trigger you were my bulletproof vest, you protected me from almost everything.

For some reason I know your hair isn’t made of cotton candy because it never made a mess when I stroked my fingers through your anti-Snow colored locks

I want you to be the last thing I lay my eyes on before I go to sleep that way no nightmares can come through to my dreamworld because you’ll be there to fight them all off. And don’t be creeped out if I follow you for a little bit, My mom just told me to follow my dreams.

When your heart is broken, I will tie a cast around it and sign it enough times until you realize your true beauty is seen from the inside too.

If your eyes were the ocean I’d be lost at sea every time I get on a love boat, with your help I could probably find my way back home cause you’d be the lighthouse to direct me to safety.

I might be a broken record telling you this but you are beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
If I keep repeating myself the word will never change, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
You can’t replace words that broken records skip over.

If I wrote everything I love about you, It would become a novel, I would make it a paperback that way every time I read it to myself, the spine would be curled to make a perfect circle, I would re-read all my favorite pages

I want to stimulate your senses when you read my lips knowing exactly what I’m saying before my lips even start the motion.

(Motion lips to make people lip read: I Love you).

Every time you told me to talk *****, I said I forgot to put on deodorant today.

We weaved our feelings together to make a basket made of love. When E.T. comes you can ride the bike that makes a silhouette with the moon and I can sit in the basket and point the direction of where I want us to call Home…. Home..

But now every time I’m around you, I bet you can still hear my heart skipping beats through your eardrums.

You must be the coolest kid in school,
A common sense level of 102 out of 100,
Clearly you know it’s not their fault for clustering words together like peanut butter is stuck in the back of their throats.
Your parents must find you the nicest kid in the world, as long as you are the only person they know.
If you treat them like a 5 year old,
They might still watch spongebob,
But not because it’s the greatest show on T.V. history,
But because they want to bring back their childhood before they got picked on.
Getting picked on for having a brain that works like a factory without an assembly line.
For caring more about everyone around them to feel like their normal,
when in reality,
No one is normal.
You make them fill up water bottles for star players but if you look deeper in the lineup,
they’re the real MVP’s
I know you cant stand going social Suicide for a day by sitting with them even though, they would give you a ribcage and a Heart beat if your chest ever gets attacked by emotion..
If god did create this world he obviously had some kind of disorder,
why else would he randomly choose the colors Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Violet, And purple to create a rainbow. Because he wanted to show people with disorders have beauty on the inside too..

If some dreams actually do come true, I hope the Nightmare I had the other night about everyone going back to their normal lives and not being affected by this is, just my imagination going crazy.
We should all be able to look in the mirror and not pity ourselves for how we look or act or even how our mind functions because there is a never ending chain of someone having it worse, you just need to get the telescope out and find it, like a twinkling star that shines the brightest in all others hearts.

Goodnight pumpkin, I luv you. L-U-V U.
Dear mom,
Nothing ****** me off more than misspelling the word Love.
If you’re not willing to put two seconds into a text or even a letter
to spell it correctly, then you need a ******* dictionary.
The only time you looked into a dictionary was to find words big enough so they could fit through ears but not into my brain making it easier for lies to flow out of your mouth like it is second nature.
The only truth that ever spit out of your mouth like lemon juice, was when you told us, not all lives have happy endings.
But when you were still here, and I was only eight,
you let me watch disney movies so I could learn my own fate.
One of the movies taught me that if I said Ohana means family,
that you’d respond with,
family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten
But you left your kids to pursue Your happiness,
Now every time you leave to Pennsylvania another memory of us flies away from the airport you call a body just like the planes you get on,
Your lies create a tornado that destroys everything in it’s path,
and my life is a flat ground so this spiral of emotions won’t stop until you do.
You circled your yin-yang arms around me for the first time in the hospital, that was the same night people in white coats handed you a certificate with my name written on it, Now anytime my name is brought up in a subject you pull your hoodie over your head as a sign of embarrassment.
I want you to feel the pain you have been giving me for the last 2
years when you hear this poem.

I want you to realize that you’re the reason my feelings are
scribbled down to make a mess out on paper.

Every night I make a new river with my tears and when I realize you are
lying to me, it makes waves of depression
and those waves, are created by earthquakes of anger.
These waves are strong enough to break through any hoover dam
made up of antidepressants and pills that will only make me what
you want me to be which is “normal”?
If you tell someone you love them at least have the audacity to
mean it.
Be a the definition of a mom and care about us and our
feelings, and not just your own.
Mom, I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U
Ohana means Family, but no one said family would last forever. But
you always will last forever, in my heart

My body is like a destroyed DVD,
Scratched up from all the lies and pain brought by two humans I’ve trusted for the last 14 years.

Like a deep scarred disc,
My life stops, (Pause)
sk-k-kips (act like i’m stuttering) over the years I call scenes, I want to forget.

As time ticks by,
more scenes from my life are erased from sharp things like knives and lies.

scene 1: Daddy quits drinking, mommy starts smoking again.

scene 2: We move to Maine to be close to grampy and grammy, they said maybe they can help mommy slow down the amount of gray clouds released from her mouth.

scene 3: Mommy and daddy kiss each other like the people in the movies, its kinda gross

scene 4: We move again cause daddy says his hands make holes in the walls bigger than elephants. and I know that is big.

scene 5: I start Kindergarten, daddy is holding my hand tighter than a gorilla. it sort of hurts but I won’t say anything.

scene 6: I call my teacher mom, maybe cause mrs.roberts has asked me more questions about how my day than the person that used to make supper for us.

scene 7: Mommy starts swallowing these ovally things so she can feel better and not yell at daddy anymore

scene 8: I have to start taking the pills with mommy cause apparently being myself isn’t good enough for her.
[Pause again]
scene 9: mommy is pulling more cigarettes out of the white box than I can even count

scene 9: my daddy wakes me up with bottles that are brown and shaped like the ones on t.v. breaking on the floor cause he isn’t supposed to be drinking that kind of “juice”

scene 10: My mom says she is going away for a while but never says when she’ll be back.

Scene 10: I’m not inhaling the black smoke she blew in my face filled with elements that I discovered called Lies and pain.

Scene 11: Mom comes back like winter, cold hearted and only for a few months

[Pause for audience]

scene 12: Dad locks Mom and I out of the house

scene 12: Mom leaves me at the house so I have to sleep outside

scene 12: Mom is moving 5 states south, the same direction my life is going.

(Slow down)
Scene 15: I get caught finding a way to release all the pain onto my wrists with knives cause my dad is using the same knives to open bottles like a sailor.

Scene 15: I haven’t seen mom in 3 years

Scene 15: I blame myself for dad drinking again

Scene 16: Mom says she loves her boyfriend more than her own 3 children

scene 16: My 12 year old brother is told to **** himself

scene 16: nobody cares

Scene 16: (Slow down) My dad asks why I want to skip over the scenes 13-14
[pause]
“Dad life is to short to reminisce all the bad things.”
Even now I still make scars on the left side of my brain as if I’m going back in time from the Iphone 6 to the 1st Iphone getting thicker and thicker

Scene 16: My dad pays for pills that try to fade the scars on my dvd.