I know this is a place for poems, but I believe the 22nd will be my last day on here for awhile..

A broken mirror,

A bleeding fist,

A sliver blade against a wrist,

Tears falling down to lips unkissed,

Ignore her and she won't exist,

She's not the kind you'll come to miss..

Sometimes I feel all alone,
Because God sent him home.
We used to be so close,
But I miss him the most.
I used to ask him for prayer,
But now it's as he's not even here.
When he stepped on Heaven's shore,
Oh how he couldn't love God more.
He opened the door,
He kissed the floor.
We can talk about God all day,
And the memories we have will never fade away.
I shed a tear every night,
I tell God and my Grandpa goodnight.
Life had it's ups and downs,
But you turned life all around.
Cancer ate him alive as he tried to survive,
Someday we all have to die,
Now he's a beautiful angel up in the sky.
I know you're in a better place,
But I can't wait till I can see your face.
I know you're watching over me and guiding me in everything I do.
The prayers you prayed, and the things you did,
I want to say thank you and I love you

I'm not sure where to start,
I don't know how to begin,
I guess I'll start with i miss you,
Cause that's what I'm feeling within,

I miss you like a cloud with no sun in the sky,
It has nothing to look up to and so it cries,
Crying raindrops fall onto the ground,
To just fade to nothing, nowhere to be found,

I miss you like a tree with no leave,
Nothing to move and drift in the breeze,
Leave scattered and sodden,
Walked upon, a broke soul down trodden,

I miss you like a mouth with no tongue,
It cannot speak, all these words left unsung,
They just hang in the moment, caught up in the mind,
Words left unspoken and all left behind,

I miss you like friends all alone,
Each missing each other, calling them on the phone,
It's like no ones answering your endless calls,
Pleas echoing along deserted halls,

I miss you like a lover torn away,
From the one she cares for and thinks of each day,
When she reaches for his hand, and when she reaches for his kiss,
And theres nothing there, only memories of this,

I miss you as a lover,
I miss you as a friend,
I miss your words,
Of how we wouldn't end,

I miss you as a tree,
And i miss you as a cloud,
I miss you with every tears i cry,
Each tear shows I'm not proud,

I miss you as i fall apart,
And i reach out for you touch,
And then i remember you're not there,
God i miss you babe, so much

I felt so happy for a while,
I finally felt okay,
But why did I believe I was getting better,
When I knew that I would sink right back into my usual self,
I am bad again,
I am worse then before,
And any hope that I had left,
Is gone.

"I'm saying you need to find your happiness."
she said..

"You were my ******* happiness"
I replied..

"Were..."*
she said..

"That's because there is NO US and that was my happiness so I guess this is me until I die.."*
I replied..

I was so close,
Last night,
And you stopped me,
Why?

Do you hate me,
That ******* much,
I'm hurting,
Broken,
Disgusted with myself,
Sick in many ways,

I don't see why you,
Insist to keep me here,
Let me go,
I know it'll hurt,
But let me go,
Because one big thing is,

I don't want to be here without you,
I told you that,
Yet I am,
So let me go away,
To another place,
And just stay there,
For a good bit,
We will meet up someday.

I'm Fine
    I'm not fine. please help me
                  
                       *I'm just tired
                              I can't take this anymore
    
I already ate
    I starve myself
            
                                                   Go away
                                                           *Show me you care enough to stay

I'm just cold
      I don't want you to see my scars

                                                                I'm better, I promise
                                                                      I've never been this bad

I'm Cold
     *I just want to die

I tell my parents, my ex (wishing she was mine), my friends, my siblings,
that "I am sick"

I now know that I'm not like flu, or cold, sick.
I'm so disgusted with myself that it make me feel sick,
It happens most when I look in the mirror, or get dressed, I don't have a point in trying anymore. So yeah..

If only walls could talk;
They'd tell you about me,
And how they hear me scream,
And watch me while I bleed.

If only walls could talk;
They'd tell you I was ******
Surprised that I'm not dead,
With a knife clutched to my hand.

If only walls could talk;
They'd tell you how I cry,
All the pain that's in my eyes,
That's eating me alive.

If only walls could talk;
They'd tell you to be strong,
To keep on moving on,
Long after I'm gone

Saying goodbye
Was the hardest thing to do
I never thought I would
Especially not to you.

You always listened
And knew what to say
Knew when to give a hug
When I was having a bad day.

No one will ever take your place
I can always promise you this
It's hard to find someone like you
So know you'll always be missed

No one really knows how I honestly feel,
Daily I think of ways to **** myself,
And I have to fight that off,
Yet it never goes away,
No one knows I paint on my smile for school,
And for the public,
But I get home in my room,
And I brake,
And thinking "no one understands"
I really am just ready to let my thoughts..
win..

They say "suicide is not the option"
    
           but...
                                                 *they never give you another one..

I'm the girl that will talk that girl out of suicide or self harm,
but has a hard time doing it for herself,
I can assure you how beautiful, perfect, amazing you are,
but doesn't want them to feel the same about her,
the opposite.

My Feelings?
oh, don't
worry about them
no one
else ever does.

"It Gets Better."
   When?
            
       "It'll be okay."
           ...no it won't
              
                   "I'm here for you."
                       *******
  
                             "It's okay.."
                                *no it's not..

I'm not sure if we each have a destiny or  if we are just all floating around accidental like a breeze.

I realized today I have stopped,
stopped living life,
I'm literally just just trying to,
get to the next day,
just living in the thought of tomorrow,
I'm not living,
I'm waiting,
And the trouble is,
I don't know what I'm,
exactly waiting for,
I'm kinda scared,
for what is might be..

Well I got my hoodie today,
And I broke,
Maybe it is for the best,
But yet why does it hurt so bad,
I am just so tired,
Tired of trying,
Tired of faking,
Tired of sleepless nights,
Tired of caring,
Tired of being alone,
Tired of breathing,
Tired of living,
Most of all,
Tired of being Tired.
Like ****.

My life revolves around pain,
So much it's made me,
Hurt my self and not even feel a thing,
It makes me sick afterwards,
When I see the scars and remember every,
Tiny little thing for why I have those ******* scars.

Realizing that you're worth it..
Experiencing real happiness..
Caring about yourself..
Over coming your own demons..
Validating your worth..
Eating without regret..
Relapse- it's going to happen, it's inevitable and that's okay..
Yearning to live..

Scars on my hips,
Scars on my thighs,
Eyes full of hurt,
And mouth full of lies..

You probably don't understand,
Most people don't,
You will never understand,
How much anger,
How much self hatred,
Someone must have,
To take a razor to themselves,
And cut into their own skin..

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.



But the roses have wilted,
And the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And my wrist are stained red.

I look in the mirror,

And I see many things,

Many things,

But not my own self,

I don't know who I am anymore,

And maybe I never will,

Maybe I'm too far gone,

*And passed the point of return.

I think I hit the point in life where,
I'm just done.

I cried,
I fought,
I tried,

But everything is crashing down.

My demons are screaming louder.
Trying to eat away the rest of me.

and this time,
I'm not going to fight back.

The monsters my parents warned me about, when I was younger weren't under my bed..or in my closet..but they were in my head.

People told me
       "get over it"
I tried.

People told me
       "get better grades"
I tried.

People told me
       "stop being so quiet"
I tried.

People told me
       "you look tired, get more sleep"
I tried.

People told me
       "just **** yourself already"
I'm trying.

>Last time I ate a full meal and kept it down: two days ago.

>Last time I cut: last night.

>Last time I took medicine I shouldn't of: two weeks ago.

>Last time I tried to end it all: Maybe a month ago?

>Last time I cried: Last night.

>Last attack: Last night.

>Last time I thought about suicide: 20 minutes ago?

>Last time I got angry:  *30 minutes ago?

so..
I guess,
I'm about to get jumped,
But i deserve the beatings i get..

So many lies,



                                     The truth?
                                                      
            
                                                                  It don't even matter anymore.

My Best Wasn't Enough










                                                                          I get that.

I don't want to live anymore.

You cannot possibly
IMAGINE
exactly
HOW MUCH
I
hate myself

Sometimes,
I think about all that I have done
and gone through
that no one even knows about
and I get sad thinking that
no one will ever know
about all these things that
make me, me
but then I think
maybe its best that these things
die with me
maybe that's not such
a bad thing..

twinkle twinkle little star,
let me get hit by a car,
how i really wish to die,
jump off the roof and try to fly,
twinkle twinkle little knife,
help me end my life.

I tried to recover.


I tried to get better.


But somewhere along the line something went wrong.


I fell apart again.


I lost again.