I look in the mirror,

And I see many things,

Many things,

But not my own self,

I don't know who I am anymore,

And maybe I never will,

Maybe I'm too far gone,

*And passed the point of return.

Scars on my hips,
Scars on my thighs,
Eyes full of hurt,
And mouth full of lies..

It's so much easier
to act like none of this matters
and pretend to wear a smile
then to confess
my heart is nearly broken
and you have won

I think I hit the point in life where,
I'm just done.

I cried,
I fought,
I tried,

But everything is crashing down.

My demons are screaming louder.
Trying to eat away the rest of me.

and this time,
I'm not going to fight back.

so sick,
so angry,
so mad,
and too top it off no one even knows that.

I seem happy, right?
You see no cuts on my wrist,
Only the smile on my lips,
You hear me laugh, you see me smile,

But did you take time to look in my eyes?
Did you see the emptiness, the darkness?
Did you check my hips?
Darling, if only you opened your eyes, you could see,
I was dying inside..

Someone once
asked what her
being triggered
was like, she closed
her eyes and thought
of planes crashing and
car accidents but instead said
the beach
falling asleep under direct sun
only to wind up drowning
when you open your eyes, gargling
salt water where once had
been air, forgetting how
to swim, knowing you could die
right there

I know this is a place for poems,
but I just wanted to let you know,
i wont be on for a while,
I'm going out of state,
To visit,
And get my life back on track,
And yes, when I leave I am getting help,
I have to go talk too someone,
And get all new meds.
Ill be back,
I'm not up and leaving.
That''s a promise,
So from the 25 of this month to the 3rd of next month I wont be on.

I was so close,
Last night,
And you stopped me,
Why?

Do you hate me,
That ******* much,
I'm hurting,
Broken,
Disgusted with myself,
Sick in many ways,

I don't see why you,
Insist to keep me here,
Let me go,
I know it'll hurt,
But let me go,
Because one big thing is,

I don't want to be here without you,
I told you that,
Yet I am,
So let me go away,
To another place,
And just stay there,
For a good bit,
We will meet up someday.

I want you,
I need you,
And I want you to see that,
**** it,
The thought of loosing you makes me want to **** myself,
I've attempted,
Don't you remember?
Don't you see?
I can't say it anymore then what I have,
I need you,
I want you,
I'm your girlfriend,
I'm suppose to know,
I'm suppose to care,
I don't know if you have ever had one that does,
But I do..
And I'm here to stay,
So get use to it,
I should  be the one you come to,
I don't know what is wrong,
I don't know how else to say,
I need you,
I want you,
I want you to be the one I marry,
I want you to be the one I have kids with,
And get my life right,
And all that ****,
But you simply don't see that,
It's like it is all blind to you,
And it kills me..
So More like If  you leave take this as my,
Goodbye note,
Love you.
D
O
N
**E

At the age of 2 I wanted to be a cop,
At the age of 4 I wanted to be a rock star,
At the age of 6 I wanted to be a doctor,
At the age of 8 I wanted to be a vet,
At the age of 10 I wanted to be a writer,
At the age of 12 I wanted to be a chief,
At the age of 14 I want to die.



The thing is,
At the age 2 I wanted to be a cop,
At the age 4 I was messed with,
At the age 5 I was still messed with so I cut,
At the age 6 I was still messed with so I cut,
At the age 7 I was still messed with so I tried to overdose,
At the age 8 he got what h wanted so I tried to **** myself and it almost worked I was in the hospital for 2 weeks.
At the age 9 I still want to be dead,
At the age 10 I get forced into it again, and end up having a miscarriage,
At the age 11 I am broken from loosing a baby I carried for 5 months,
At the age 12 I tried to **** myself again,
At the age 13 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety,
At the age 14 I am here, giving up, now had two miscarriages, and I'm broken, still cutting, wanting to overdose everyday, but now has a girl that means the world to me, She and my Nephew and baby brother is the only reason I'm still on this place you call Earth.

I'd rather be in bed away from the world..

She's only 17, her whole life's ahead of her
She hates school because the people there discredit her
Her boyfriend tries to show her that's not how it seems
But every day she just gets lowered with her self-esteem
He lets her know that every night will have a brighter day
She even tried to overdose and take her life away
She's feeling hopeless there just sitting down beside her bed
And then he takes his hand and places it beside her head
He tries to hold her, but with every touch she still resists
And then he sees the scars that bury deep within her wrists
She's feeling numb, he starts to beg and plead and ask her why
She says this way she has control of pain she feels inside
He's asking her, "How long it's going since you've felt this way?
Because you've got me here just feeling so **** helpless"
She says, "It's been a while; I guess I needed better luck
And then he screams at her and tells her, "Baby, never cut!"
Nobody seems to get you, you feel you're on your own
But listen, pretty lady, you don't have to be alone
So baby, don't cut, baby, don't cut
You can do anything, just promise, baby, you won't cut
I know your heart is hurting, you think the road has end
You may just feel that blade you're holding is your only friend
But baby, don't cut, baby, don't cut
You can do anything, just promise, baby, you won't cut
The next day at school she's feeling better than the day before
Even cracked a couple smiles as she walked the corridor
But all that seemed to end, she dropped her books as she went into class. And every student in the room just seemed to point and laugh
She couldn't take it anymore, she sent her boy a text
It said, "I love you with my body, heart and soul to death"
He thought nothing, typed "I love you"; then he sent it
By death he didn't know that she had literally just meant it
She ducked the next class, ran home into her bathroom
Thought to herself she wouldn't brake her promise that soon
One cut... two cuts... three cuts... four
The blood just started dripping from the tub to the floor
Her boyfriend had a feeling in his stomach that he hated
He followed it and ran down to her house, he never waited
The front door was open, he heard the water running
He stormed into the bathroom, and his heart just started gunning
He puts her arm around his shoulder, he's trying to lean her back up
Yelling out her name as he lays her beside the bathtub
He feels his whole world just took a hit from a big avalanche
Screaming out so heavily, "Somebody call an ambulance!"
Felling mad angry, like somebody's led her on to this
Her eyeballs are rolling, drifting out of consciousness
Thinking to himself "Why the hell didn't she stop at will?"
The tears just keep on rolling as they head to the hospital
Paramedics rush her in, doctor calls emergency
She's lost a lot of blood, the place looks like a ****** scene
An hour later, the doc walks in with a sour face
And says, "Excuse me for the words that I'm about to say
I'm sorry for your loss," the boy just starts collapsing
His own world, his own girl just took a crashing
Saying to himself that it's his fault and that he let it up
Baby, I thought you promised you would never cut...

I will always care for you,
Even if we're not together,
And even if we're far,
Far away from each other,

Everything is coming together,
You are gone because,
Because of me,
I killed you,
And you were eight,
You would of never known,
If I didn't act so stupid,
You are gone because,
Because of me,
And now,
Now your mom,
Your mom is going to,
You are gone because,
Because of me..

I scream, I cut, I cry

Some days I don’t know why

But here I am

Asking for you ma’am

To help me.

To help me see

Fight for another day

Instead of slowly fading away

Without you I’d be gone

With out you feels so wrong

I need you babe

To show me the way

*****,
But didn't you know,
Know who the hell you were talking to,
Like that?
*****,
I'll beat the **** out of you,
I'm done holding it all back,
I'm show my self and,
Get put on probation,
Again,
But *****,
Who the hell you talking to like that? ✋

The angel lost her grace,
As mascara ran down her face.
She forgot love, remembered hate.
She no longer had her faith.

With tear stained cheeks,
Through bloodshot eyes,
She saw only pain and suffering.
Love, she couldn't conquer.

As the blue sky faded to black,
Darkness filled her heart.
Her wings vanished from her back,
And her kindness fell apart.

Even with all her might,
Her dress still went black from white.
She was sent to save,
To help those who weren't brave.

But as she looked around,
At the marks she left...
Tear stained cheeks,
And bloodshot eyes.



And as in she I mean *me

Look in to my eyes,
can you see what
I've seen?

Can you see the
Pain,
confussion,
stress,
hurt,
and
let down?

I've cried many tears,
I've stayed up alone
just sitting there in the
EMPTINESS.

I want to feel loved
and happy.
Not just ALONE and
DEPRESSED.

So why don't you save
me from this BREAKDOWN,
so i won't lose everything.....
once again.

TRUST me to be okay,
help me trough this
so I'm not just on my
OWN.

Let down, is what i will
fell along with pain and
hurt.

Feelings have no meaning
anymore.
I'm always sad, no REAL
smile crosses my lips.

This time it might be OVER.
I can't seem to win,
this war against...Myself.
So as time goes on i will
let go of
EVERYTHING
and
BREAKDOWN ON MY KNEES.

There it is. My favorite thing of all this,
Ah the feeling of pain is gone from before and new form entered me.
Laying here waiting for you to come home.
I open my eyes and see flashes of you and me from before you went.
You walk inside.
You call to me and wait for an answer.
You hear small light breaths coming from the bathroom.
Thinking it is me, you walk down the hall with a smile.
The kind that makes your knees go weak.
You walk in, oh god, is all you can think.
I'm trying to look up at you but I can't move.
A cold chill comes comes over me as you pick me up.
You say we are going to the hospital and that everything will be okay.
You rush me in.
Blood running down
The nursen rushes you to a bed so I can lay down.
I can hear you asking her something.
But I can't make the words out.
I feel something cold and wet touch me face then my arm.
I feel the ***** of a sharp object go in my right arm.
And a band-aid go around and around.
After I slept for two days they let you in.
I can move again and open my eyes.
You say that I got 76 stitches because the cuts were way to deep,
And that I almost died.
I pull off the band-aid and look.
I see I over 20 cuts and begin to cry.
You tell me its okay, and we will get some help.
About five years from now..
We have two to deal with ourselves.
A beautiful baby boy and baby girl?
Jake and Emma.
The scars are still there
Sometimes I wish I could go back..

I slit my wrist to erase the pain,
you look at me, and think I'm insane,
my eyes turn red, bleeding my tears,
and still you try to protect me from my worst fears.
Look at my scars then you will see,
why I can't seem to go around and fake happy,
yet you tell me you love me, that you'll forget,
for I'll soon be gone, and I'll be your greatest regret.
So let me die, broken and scarred,
I can't deal with life, it's getting far to hard,
everything's gone wrong, it's not worth trying,
so leave me alone because I feel like I'm dying,
I don't want you to worry,
because my life is ending in a hurry,
I'll be fine, and happy you see,
for death is what I wished for and soon it will be.

Sitting here,
Here alone,
Alone crying,
Crying my eyes out,
My eyes out because i'm loosing,
Loosing Myself,
Myself because i'm lost,
Lost because you are gone,
You are gone because you had to go,
You had to go, but now,
Now I want to go too,
To go with you,
With you, So tell me,
Tell me my sides,
My side, my thighs,
My thighs, my wrist,
My wrist will that,
Will that end it,
End it to where I can,
I can go with you,
With you up there,
So tell me?

I know this is a place for poems, but about three years ago, my cousin named Chastity, (my name) Was very small, blonde, with blue eyes, loved school, friends. My uncle would beat me and her, unfortunately I would get to leave at the end of the week. And Chastity wouldn't get to, She was my world. We did everything together. She was 6 at the time. I got a call on June 17 that Chastity had been beat to death and that he had told the cops that I was next.  Because we where suppose to die together. And there was no point in him going to jail because she was nothing anyways. Yes, it kills me to type this. I miss her so much living life without her has not been easy. And that is for shore. But here is a little poem for my little angel.


I miss you more then
I thought I would
And I cry much more
Than I thought I could
Time heals all..
That's what they say!
But loves the price,
And so I pray
Sometimes I smile
I know you're near
Its not enough
You are not here
The years roll by
I'm not the same
Yet in my heart
You still remain
You left love behind
When you flew away
But a piece of me
You to that day

Cry quietly in a corner
Don't make a big scene
Don't let anyone think something's wrong
Remember not to be mean

Cry quietly in a corner
Don't drown anyone in your sorrow
You only have to live through today
You can **** yourself tomorrow

Cry quietly in a corner
Shield yourself from the world
For all they know you just like to cause trouble
Just a bratty little girl

Cry quietly in a corner
Don't let them see your pain
What's the most that they can do, help?
But what from that can you gain?

Cry quietly in a corner
They'll never know what's wrong
When you try to tell he says
"Those **** emo songs"

Cry quietly in a corner
Like the whiner they think you are
Like they care about the reason
Your wrist looks like it has bars

Pain pain go away!
Please do not come back another day.
Tears falling down my face
oh how I wish for his warm embrace.
Wonder if he cares about me.
Wonder if this is supposed to be.
How can he stand there and break my heart
How did we allow us to grow so far apart?
My dreams of us being happy is not going to come true
all I am feeling is down and blue.
Pain pain go away
bring me back to another day
where he loved me and
Were we laughed and cared,
I will not stop loving you that much is true
but I will be stronger in time
and not feel so blue.
you will always be in my heart
even when we are apart.
One day I will have that warm embrace
and tears will stop flowing down my face.
Pain pain go away
leave me alone and do not stay

Living with depression
is like watching people around you
breathing but instead.

Your blue lips inhale
words of self-hatred
and you know you should
be able to fill
you lungs
with fresh oxygen
like everyone else.

but you can't.

And the worst part is
people mistake your chest
frantically rising up and down
as breathing
when really you're
suffocating.

The pain grew and grew,
And I began to experience suicidal thoughts,
I realized that life for me,
Was at a desperate impasse,
I thought of the garage,
Of a place where I might sit in the car,
And inhale carbon monoxide,
I'd look at the rafters,
In the attic and think,
Of them as places where,
I might hang myself,
I look at sharp objects,
As being implements,
For my wrist.

Anger is bubbling away at me,
Burning a whole in my heart,
Making me burn with rage,
I have good reason to be angry.
I only wish,
I could make them pay,
Put them through,
What they did to me.
Anger is destroying me,
For I’m hell bent on revenge,
I would love to dish out,
My own justice,
But I cant.
Anger Bubbles away.
Like a swishing sound,
Of the waves,
Like a brook babbles,
Anger takes a hold

To know your heart stopped beating,
Just about four months ago,
my heart broke in two,
to know that,
there won't be another,
one like you.

Don't you,
You hear,
Hear the,
The stuttering,
Stuttering between,
Between the,
The words,
Words when,
When I,
I say,
I am,
Am Fine,
Because I,
I feel,
Feel the,
The pain,
Pain of,
Of the,
The Lie,
As I,
I say,
Say it,
You Didn't know,
Did you,
Because my whole life is a lie,
I'm NOT fine..

The darkness surrounds me
It's getting so cold
I'm all alone
With no one to hold

My world is so empty
All what's left is pain
No sunshine to light my way
Just never ending rain

I drown in tears
My heart is crying
No one seems to notice
My soul is dying

inside I'm crying
outside I'm smiling
no one notices
but its hard for me to control this
when you see me walk by
it doesn't look like it but I want to die
thoughts racing through my head
then comes the tears that I shed
how can I change
all the tears and rage
you say you understand
and all I need is a helping hand
that may be true
but first take a walk in my shoes
sadness, angers, and unbearable pain
you'll be taking a walk full of nothing but shame
as time moves slower
my self-esteem gets lower
am I nothing to this world
or am I just a worthless teenage girl?

You can't take her away from me,
She is part of me,
I would die,
Mentally,
Physically,
Emotionally,
She is my world,
My sweetheart,
My baby,
My babe,
My babygirl,
My everything,
My Future wife,
Please,
Please,
Stay with me,
Don't let them take you,
Away from me..