I had my first dream last night that you weren't in.
not even a minor character,
your ****** name wasn't even in the credits,
let alone plastered across the sky in flashing lights
like you want it to be.
my first reality that you didn't belong in,
and it was the most blissful peace that I can remember since we bathed in pools of cloud.

I heard the first song that didn't make me think of you yesterday.
the lyrics, for once, were just lyrics,
not an embodiment of you and the things you do.
guess what?
it was coldplay.
you always hated coldplay.

this morning, I basked in the sun and didn't picture you coated in gold light beside me.
I didn't look at the leaves adorning the trees and picture your face laughing beneath it.

I didn't trace the plate lines of my palm and imagine the earthquake we used to create when yours collided with mine.

I didn't eat new food that I wanted you to try and I didn't want to share the smallest details of my day with you.

you may have won this poem, loverboy,
but don't be too triumphant.
your victory won't last long.
it's the era of my new beginnings without you and I'm going to be just fine.

Why must I love you

Why must you hurt me

i hear my mother
crying behind me, making
me up my meds now

I felt tall
swimming in between
mountain valleys

Now I'm crossing over
smaller I grow

Doesn't really make sense no

I lost myself
yesterday afternoon

Who am I
today

My whole body disappeared

No one is coming

I saved myself this morning

i'm not going to ruin your chances of happiness
just because
i am
upset

i didn’t quite understand
until judas knocked at my door
and held my hands in his
“I forgive you,”
he told me
“now forgive yourself.”