You were a moon once
Tidal force your specialty
You have since gone dark

Dear god of feathers,

Father to flight
Cousin to pillows
Step-father to sneezes
Brother to quills
Other brother to bad poetry
Godfather to just going with it
And weird uncle to Icarus
It is to you that I direct this prayer

First of all, how dare you
How dare you give flight to a bird with a brain smaller than its eyeball and not to me
How dare you fill my pillow with stuffing that is somehow hot on both sides. How does that even work?
How dare you tickle my heartstrings long enough to make me watery eyed but not long enough to make me sneeze
Letting me love somebody who - wait, no, sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself
I'll start over, because unlike your pillows, I know how to keep my cool

Here is what I really wanted to say, oh god of feathers
Thank you for inked quills. Even if you bully me with your beauty, at least you give me an out
Thank you for reminding me that bad poetry and just going with it are really just the same thing
Thank you for Icarus, who fell from the sky believing 'soaring' and 'human' deserved to be used in the same sentence
I won't pretend to know what it is like to be you
Though, I know what it feels like when you're present

It is true that I will never be able to take to the heavens
But I have known love, and that gets pretty close

By the way, peacocks are crazy

Amen

In the city that never sleeps
It is rare to find a place of rest
Green tree sways, sun sky sweeps
Bird bench beat in a concrete chest
For it is my big apple alibi
To learn to love the passersby

I lie awake having conversations in my head that will never happen
Weeks of practice - winning the most absurd arguments
About how much better old cartoons are compared to new ones
About what I would say if I was ever in a rap battle
About why I care about you so much
About when I will next make you laugh
About how I can't say any of this

You asked about my past, asking about the 'real me'
Beyond the security blanket called humor I drape myself in
And I wanted so badly to tell you my story
I'd practiced every tangent it could have taken
We stood, however briefly, before the abyss of admission
It dared me to leap and I laughed

For it was, of all things, the fear of getting ahead of myself that kept me from moving
Do not confuse the adrenaline of the jump with that of the quickened heart of unspoken love
Do not wield your words like cannons ready to fire at the first opportunity
Remember, that is the lesson you have learned

You asked about my past
I said, "Yes. I have known heartbreak, loneliness and loss, but I will do everything that I can so you do not."
And it was the truth
Well, the most important one

The saying goes: airports and funerals see the saddest people
The saddest people are those at Walmart at midnight
Dressed in the lazy pajamas of tomorrow morning
And baggy eyed in the missed responsibilities of today
Being at Walmart at midnight is like going to church on Tuesday
Your timing was a little off, but at least you tried
Aisles full of 'clearances' and 'don't look at me's'
(but also please acknowledge my existence)
And then I realize that I am at Walmart at midnight
I am sad. But I am not cat-food-road-map-cart sad
So, I got that going for me

Think I'm bulletproof
A thick skin and paper heart
But, I'm the reverse

I daydream about seeing your bedhead

The thing I hate the most about anxiety
Is its ability to turn anything into a weapon
Haunted house attraction. Hall of mirrors.
Warping what you see into something else
That curious fear in being aware of the fact
What's in front of you is not real
But looking on anyway

You walk like a doomsday bunker grew feet
Climbed into your clothes like a hazmat suit
Deciding to brave that scary thing called outside

You talk like a river shapes rock
Repeating the same set of words
Until they feel smooth in the mouth

You write like your ink is honey
Savored by those few you share it with
Because they don't care where it comes from

Happiness is a hummingbird we define our value by the ability to hold onto
Swallowed whole, stored in between the bars of your rib cage
You hold happiness like "Watch me fly"
But no amount of sugar water words can keep it down
It was never yours to take

I have a hard time writing about anger because ...

Anger is just sadness in a lower octave
Anger is a knot between the shoulder blades
Anger is a loud voice in an even louder room
Anger is a distant daydream gaze
Anger is a fire sustained by silence
Anger is hearing your voice in another body
Anger sounds a lot like "Sorry, I've been busy"
Anger is realizing busy really means uninterested
Anger is thinking you are in charge of your reaction
Anger is knowing you're a breath from bursting
Anger is breathing shallow to hide the shake
Anger is saying things you don't mean
Anger is not saying things you do mean
Anger is a fickle thing
Anger is just heartbreak wearing a cowards face

Leaves dart and dance like my heart beats
Slowly fluttering into life for brief, mad escapes
Before resting again, only alive when nobody is watching
Fading light spills over my face like a nervous waiter
And that's okay

Look, I'm not saying we have to get married
But maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing if we did
All im saying is, we live in an age of marvels
When super heroes dominate silver screens and cell phones alike
And everybody knows by now, a super hero needs a good origin story
And we would make a good origin story
I mean, really think about it for a minute here
I'm an alien person from another planet
And you're the greatest this one offers
I was struck by lightning and got super powers
And you're the reason why. You're the lightning.
I fell backwards into a vat of dangerous chemicals
You fished me out by my shoelaces and hung me on your clothesline smile
Galactus, world-eater, I swallowed my feelings whole like planets
And you had the courage to tell me to go on a diet
Which is to say, I talked about my feelings and you only laughed three times
Which is to say, I told you that vat of chemicals was actually my brain and you didn't laugh at all
Which is to say, my super vision failed to foresee your arrival
Don't be mistaken, this isn't a love poem, more like a list
1. You can trust me with your secret identity, the one nobody else knows about
2. My super villains aren't actually real people
3. But if they were they'd kidnap me to get to you instead
4. Whosoever holds this hammer, if she be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor
4a. And you're definitely worthy
4b. No really you are
4c. Please notice me
5. I'd be good to you
BANG! BOOM! POW! I wear it like a speech bubble headband
Like each of us, our origin story would be a little... off-brand
So, I'm not saying we have to get married
But maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing if we did

If nothing else, take comfort in the rhyme
"The world is ending", was said the last time

In my life I have learned 10 important truths:

1. You can't trust anybody that likes Nickelback because if they willfully listen to bad music you don't know what other bad life choices they will make

2. If a girl starts a conversation with "I just think its funny how..." you are about to die. I hope you have an eject button or a eulogy prepared, but preferably both

3. If a boy tells you he wants you to meet his family, he is definitely in love with you

4. You're going to experience heartbreak that hurts so bad you can't even get crying right. But just because you're hurt doesn't mean you're a victim and hurting others doesn't make you right

5. Never go to a wedding alone

6. White chocolate is just chocolate that got cold feet about being edible

7. Definitely eat that piece of pie because treat yoself

8. Definitely regret that whole pie later so then you have to treat yourself

9. Realize you are going to be okay

10. Write a really bad poem about it all

Isn't love just a merry-go-round?
That old carnival staple in the center of the lot
Where the operator packs on too many people, turns it up too fast, and then gets mad when you throw up on the ride?
Every time you see one, its comprised of little kids and old people
She gets to ride the pony, because ponies are for girls
You get to ride the bear, because she took the pony
Both of you agree to take it slow at first
Take in all the flashing lights and the deep fried aroma
Until one of you decides your arms don't need to stay in your vehicle anymore
Two celestial bodies pulled closer together by that unseen thing called gravity
The world spins faster when you're with them
Time moves quicker when you're together
If time travel were possible this must be how its done
But sooner or later it becomes less merry, and more go-round
Round and round it goes, when it stops, nobody knows

I was born on the twelfth day of the year
Just in time to be the last disciple but not soon enough that you'll remember my name
I'm the third of four children
Which is to say, I'm 75% sure that I know what I'm doing
I prefer even numbers and odd people
My ideal date is public people watching
Because if two people can unwrite a strangers life story then maybe they can use that to write their own
I'm an extremely picky eater
The only green things I like are cucumbers and money
And I'm far pickier than my personality permits
I've been told I'm quiet
But I'm the kind of quiet you should be afraid of
The kind of quiet that is observant enough to unmake you
The kind of quiet that does so to himself
I've got a poker face you wouldn't believe because I don't always either
I keep my cards close to the chest, sometimes too close to read
I believe that the best people tell the worst jokes
So you'll understand when I tell you that I only wear black ankle cut socks, gray if I'm feeling frisky
My best dream is finding someone to be alone with
My worst nightmare is that I never do
I was born a dozen days into 1996
Like being the last donut in the box and make no mistake I'm a sweet treat you'll have trouble working off
I guess what I'm saying is: my name is Braden
Will you remember that?

The weight of almost thoughts sink my legs into the Earth

While the almost words balloon red in my cheeks and ears

Because this ****** Doo quicksand ***** at my torso but not any more than my desire to go under

I'm going to a doctor soon, or a counselor, or a friendly stranger, or whatever, and I worry about the verdict to be passed over my head

Like the pills they prescribe will meet in combat the almost thoughts that turn my brain to a battlefield that just wants to go home but already is

Like my serotonin vocal cords that softly saunter siren songs should be given a megaphone to tell all the almost words that their echo chambers just got nuked from orbit

The fingers that send daily update texts are the same ones that want to let go of the steering wheel, not because I want to die, but because I don't want to be the one responsible for hurting you

So I'll bludgeon the sand with my two left feet until I turn it into enough glass to build a shade-stained stairwell back into my regularly scheduled programming

"I'm not there yet", I say
"Ah, but almost", I think

I met you
I loved you
I left you
(Or, more accurately, you left me)

But if the devil is in the details
And a picture is worth a thousand words
Then I've got enough reasons to say

I met you
I loved you
I left you

There is a world of people in my phone
And yet, I've never felt more alone

She is an airhead with enough buoyancy for the both of us
I've got the string tied round my finger so I don't forget it
As she lazily drifts on haphazard breezes, I try to shoot them
Teeter-totter talking about weather, sports, and partisan politics
Because when gusts come that nylon noose keeps me above ground
But only if I spit enough hot air to keep her wispy attention
Else I sprint the risk of her pine cone thicket absence
And I left my shoes with the last one
What I mean is, you are a safety net that I had no intention of casting
A Saturday morning cartoon that makes toast out of my tragedies
Buttered in the relief of freedom from prolonged desperation
I tie a second knot to be sure

Promise me you'll get help, okay?

Should your blood ever boil within you
Should the heat leave your extremities
Should your breathing become quickened
Should a nervous sweat bead your face

Should you struggle to get through
Should you stand before Hades
Should you try and fail to defend
Should you feel a disgrace

Promise me you'll get help, okay?

For it is the same truth
That plagues and flowers
The one who cares the least
Holds the most power

I set alarms in the morning
So that I can get in more words
With the version of you
That isn't with him

I make poor life choices and get upset at the results
My life is just something that happens to me
The comforting cowardice in removing my agency
I blame all others but myself
And wonder why things don't get better
I made my bed
Now I must lie awake in it

I write that this, my illusory ink,
May provide context to chaos and form to fact
That you might remember in the crescent
What I said under the full

Depression is many things

It is numb and aloof
Like you're on trial for being victim to every action or word spoken to you, but you bear the burden of proof

It is overwhelming and undertreated
Sinking or collapsing but never moving. Knowing you're better off now, but still feeling cheated

It is patient and twisting
Always dancing in the dead space of thought before you fall asleep resisting

Depression is many things
But it isn't me

I avoid my emotions like they're landmines
And I'm wearing lead filled clown shoes
Like it's a train barreling down on one lover
Or five strangers - and I have to pick
Like I just found out the brakes were cut
And I don't want to scare the others because it'd be rude
Like I said I would never go back there again
But I did

We trade in Snapchat paintings and passing glances
In bad jokes, good ideas and texting trances
Buzz. Swipe. Type. Send. A closed-loop circuit
And profits good cuz it's an oddball's market
But both exchange rates and people change overnight
So just enjoy the time while you've got it, right?

Awake
I can feel myself falling
Into old habits and new people
A too-long torturous "What if?"
That leaves a tightness in my chest
And an emptiness in the words
Of these few poetic adjourns
Til that elusive sleep returns

Anger antagonizes and attacks again
Bravery boldly bounds bout brilliance
Compassion casts careful, calculated calm
Disappointment detaches, disconnects, driving defiance
Enthusiasm's exuberance exhausts envy's edge
Fear fleetly fades fury's fated face
Guilt greedily goads gullible grief-stricken
Hope humbles hesitancy, heals heartbroken
Insecurity impatiently imparts invisible ignorance
Joyful jumps jaded jinxed jealousy
Keen kindness keeps kindred known
Loneliness lingers longer lately

You are my resting state of being, my napkin doodle
The one I'll think about when I'm asked
"Have you ever been in love before?"
The one who dared mountains to move
And the earth to reshape itself
That I might be with you
A long-haired, short-fused firecracker
Who brought rainbow noise
To a most dismal place

It makes me anxious
How much I care about you
You've got hold of me

It is in the shift of your eye
That I see your mind is elsewhere
It is in the pause of your smile
That I see you're not doing well
For never as sweet is the laughter
Knowing that you're the one who comes after

It is in the empty, open air between your words
That momentarily lingers a half-thought
"I wouldn't mind sharing silence with you"
But I don't know if you feel the same
And so I do

Chance
Chat
Click
Communicate
Confess
Confirm
Celebrate
Coast
Conflict
Closure (?)

In the event you feel tempest tossed
And life's not worth the cost
In the event your words are at a loss
And you begin to think all is lost

In the event you can not comprehend
And question, "Will this ever end?"
In the event you lose your closest friend
And your scars just don't seem to mend

In the event you breathe your last
And fail to accept whats past
In the event your hopes are dashed
And despair is all too vast

Do not any longer foolishly prolong
To seek where it is you truly belong
Instead, sing in life a joyous song
You'll find your troubles can't stay for long

When at last you've reached zen
Know it is only and only then
That no word of tongue or pen
Can ever again cause this happiness to end.

I don't say things that I don't mean
And I don't mean many things
So I don't say much

I'll tell you all my secrets
And all my hidden truths
I'll spill it all, I'm about to burst
Just one thing... you go first

I think of you at stop signs

You have no power
Over how I feel today
I won't let you win

Green-blue oxygen bubbles up
From the depths of your warm waters
Spilling over into white-capped waves
In the midst of your sunrise smile
Ebbing in, out and in again
As the spray salts your black sand shores

Today is Christmas, though we celebrated it yesterday.
Today I am lonely, though I knew it yesterday.

Fine, abandon yourself to the damnation of the flames
Igniting your pain in the grass in which you stand
While ignoring the water I put at your feet
I do not claim to be perfect, only that I care
And when you realize what you've done
When your weight becomes too much to bear
Know that even for sinners, comes the rise of the sun

I think I've got some neighbors
In houses that are on either side
But I can't say that I know
The people that live inside
Perhaps they moved out last month
I don't ever see them around anymore
Their car is gone and lawn unmown
And the dead bolts locked the door
Well, that's what my window shows
I havent been out myself to see
But I'll tell you one thing I know
I sure am sick of my complacency

Being kind is being thoughtful, the two are one in the same
Not every battle is uphill, be grateful for those who care
Clouds and wind are looming, shortly falls the rain
But a world without a washing wouldn't look as fair

Oh dear, I'm a little lost again
Which ways home?

Tumbling,
    Tumbling
        Down
          The rabbit hole
            Of your daydream eyes