I drink in the silence's spicy chill
in the midnight awakenings
and in heavy tides, it gurgles down

and settles a thick black insufficiency
in my legs

I run and run
and all the running will not do

and heat like flickers rises
and sweat runs down my crackling limbs
and something bites off
and something eats

and I run reckless and bare
and all the running will not do
and it is all like charcoal and ash
and a stout smoke

and the night rises rises
till I cannot see it

Needles struck in my weakened moon
And out of their gaping pores
Bloom strands of light
All sleek and soft in their intricate might

The world, you tell me
Is a lion flayed alive
And all the stars and suns
And bits and pieces such
The animals it loved

And I on these—
No
Dare I say I too itch with lone
No ‘I’s here
We, on these still clouds
Smothering thick
Walk
Our hands ****** into fleshy planets,
Eyes, drowsy beneath their gentle dusks

And all the screams
That we may have lived
Are drowned before they reach us
In the viscous air
Just, just beneath our feet

The land that birthed us
Worships a flame
That will ****
All that it has ever ruled
And the lion is bared
Its gold discarded to mud
Its pleas withered

Upon a stake it rests
Sun-warmed flesh made love to
By honey and precious vines
Kissed by ants
Crows—
No vultures, not them
They eat the dead only

And life bleeds out of our moon
—our moon
As nights lick it off

This is how I remember you:
A whimper beneath
—just a small ****
That grew where it shouldn’t have
Dried off in a minute
And a whimper above
Just a note, young as a twinkling star
At the edge of an eye

And this is how I remember you:
A face beyond the clouds,
Oblivious in its agony
And a glimpse of silver above
Fading away quietly
A moment
Before it is gone

Drunken, we walk
Lips curved, content
Skins as calm lakes untouched

We have lingered here
For hours or more
Many sunsets we have swum through
No moons, no kings
Begging our hearts for immortality

Slowly, the glimpses go away

Clouds get fatter
And golds and silvers
Collect dust
Somewhere—

I do not know what becomes of us
Only that clouds
Crowd around
Swooning for the petal-soft
Breaths of our light chests

Loving us slow, slow,
Slow
And we forget
Everything but.

Needles struck in my undying moon…

winding winds weave patterns in my chest
a soft flower like a cloud up my throat
ehem ehem
a clicking swallow: a pinecone slides down
hitting a trembling trampoline stomach, and bouncing
like marble about

a cotton sparrow pecking somewhere everywhere
with its little blue beak of bead
ehem ehem
eye meets eye and eye eye
and winds bloom by, stirring the sky and
low bronze brooding grass, as
leaf leaf leaf laces down, down glittering slow
stumbling midair, stumbling in rays sneaking in through brown
stumbling like lost bee in a pathway of gold

then settling down light as a kiss, as a
curling of lashes on the parapet of eye

I had some tickling words—

velvet quilt round a tongue of damp wood
a tick of skin and tendon and beat
as all the gears in me lock in place
open the mechanical gates and out
the stuttering sparrow, small
with its wobbly chirp that, practiced, perfected,
spills still plaintive in the silence of stone

‘do you have an— an a scale?’


‘thanks—’

oh mY JASM—

So falls asleep
The clock at work
And still stand staring
All stalls of night
Wander shall we
Or lie down to sleep
Shall we dance on lips
Of thought forlorn
Stumbling go ever
Down in dim
Or lead the leaning
Limbs to the lair
Of dark despair
The dear despair
The shuffled sea
To which we see
As children in plea

Shall we then stop
And hear the streets
Go wading on
Or lose shall we
Ourselves to blood
As bumbling it goes
From us to us to us
For there is no weep
That may we stir
As sweet in tea
And beat and beat
May these shrill heels
Forever and free
May once they slip
And then fall far
Into the song
And may the hands
Yield as we
Lay them rest
On our simple *******
And may the land
Of whsiper and chant
Ever go writing
The waves of sea

But mourn or nor,
Lose shall we
Stale as sundress
In the lap of she,
Loose as tea,
And no comfort coy
Shall hear from us
A single cry
And sweet or sleep
May mend the bleak
But we will not weep
No, we will not weep

Weep we shouldn't
Lest morn should bear
Upon it the stain
Of our meek feat

And weep we would
If but we could
Bear brave the banner
Of fierce defeat

Did you weep too?
when we put down our cups of hot tea and joy
they seemed to speak to the wavering air
some reticent secrets of themselves or us
I thought: death is like my father now
it names me, not after, for itself
and I smell the petalled incense of its security
security…
Security. Security.
I thought: we are written
you pull right, and I pull to left
and we go stumbling forward to papa
I thought: I am a cold bottle put in the day
I wipe my tears, and I smile at the beautiful sun
and then again, I wipe my tears, and I smile at the beautiful sun
Did you whimper?
sweetly like a child
I could have loved you if I wasn’t afraid
You say: I am always afraid
You say: it is my excuse for everything
You act so brave, you think I do not think
I have seen you in the velvet dark
crystalline eyed and thin,
not yet the woman that becomes my sin
You are just like me

I thought the eyes would swell and mama would know
so, I stopped and quietened
breathing like a valley, sniffing like lizards
We heard the city sing by
I thought: it is like a train
its tail hooked to the nose, it moves in a circle
and we are in it
Say, do you recall at all?
not more a nigh to pass, but the sentimentality fades,
and we ought to go

Say, stay?
Say, stay for a dance
However pained– a waltz of held-hand and shoe
I will try not to tremble
like that acrid tongue of forever time
Now your forehead gleams with the smear of gloom
and we are wont to let it dry
wont then, to become canvases
wont then, to hide them away, in slots of unlit places
(like ******* or... palm-on-palm or... in between bookshelves or lip)
with so many others
Remember that one? Then that, then that, then that
when we wore our shameless dresses of terror and shame
and we cursed the holy heavens of youth,
when we fought, when we fought, when ran like laughter
There was so much grief
I thought: it will eat us
I thought: I will never escape this
this name that papa wrote
on the paper of my breath
we will always be here, babes, fumbling in shawls
and pleasing the house
plaint and faint and so much like fear

Did you weep too?
I was astray in the street, I couldn’t quite see
I could’ve kissed you like the girls on TV
but mama was everywhere, and she was dressed in papa’s shadow
She said
She said—
She needn’t say anything at all

Say, did you weep at all?
I said I was afraid,
I said then so much of it, I forgot of you
Say, I don’t think you did.

I close my eyes hoping for dark but I only see grey;
some remnants of night's adieus,
distant sounds of day's footsteps
too early for the mighty sun,
too late for lovely moon
so the sky lingers reluctantly above me,
doubting ever doubting the arrival of light

But what is left of grey but its greyness
stretching infinitely over a vast void;
ever fading but only to younger grey
ever darkening never to a hue but grey.
no birth, no death, just a labyrinth  
caged somewhere in between the mess.

They say I can make whatever I want
of the universe because it's mine
but I hardly see the point in taking the trouble.
Still, if I could mould the stars into shapes
I'd make them to Jasmines
for what are they but shy kids that lay out their wings
in the devouring nights only to curl away
with the arrival of day.

I once saw a cluster of sparks singing in a nightly alley
they held their hands and danced about a blushing flame

what more horrible but the echoes of demons
laughing in depths of dark streets as they
celebrate their evils and bury their fangs
on the cooked bodies they stole by the setting sun
Ribs like bars of a prison holding the excited heart in place
collarbones so sharp they could rip open the flesh,
skin hard as leather, eyes placid filled with smoke
their shrill laughter that gnaws your sleep away,
ebbing and flowing side by side with the dark

I once saw a bunch of Jasmines walk behind a lively sun
Carried upon their withered backs the sacks of cement and bricks
On journey to building a house they'd never call home.

What more lovely than the sound of petals breaking,
dew dripping down their tips only to be snatched away by sun
what more beautiful than the sight of cracked lips,
concave cheeks, tentative hands and scared feet
the desperation of the tongue that takes you to puddles
the moment they hear the cracking of chains
a hunger so strong it makes the teeth shudder
hollowness of nights that pulls you closer to one more thievery
just one chunk of meat to quieten the stomach

Grey choking in white, grey chuckling in dark
grey chains, grey in the chains; grey sky, grey in the sky;
grey eyes, grey in the eyes; grey ballads, grey in the ballads.

That's what happens when you hang your jasmines to dry
under a sun that merely starves for ounces of hope

But what of hope?

They said the universe is mine but if I could squeeze
the life out of the sun, what would I achieve but
the flowers that incinerated decades ago--
the ashes of broken bones, vapours of clotted blood;
the nothingness of smiles, and the dryness of tears;
some sprinkle of love or hate, some gallons of lust;
carcasses of souls, some flesh engraved with wounds

what would I get but the corpses of light that the sun ****** out
the universe they claim belongs to me;
I hear my people screaming out, I see sun sending out its love,
the universe they claim belongs to me turning to cinders.

They say there's day after night but some only see grey
They shiver at sounds of demons joking,
then smirk at screams of stars blazing
but some only stand by the impassive sky watching grey
they fight battles upon battles with evil
then rest by the hanging bodies of the good
but some only stay by the left out winds, staring at grey
They scrape away the dark, paint it white
then cover it up with layers and layers of coal
but some merely sit by the songbirds listening to grey

But what is grey but the reminder of all the petals we ever plucked
and all we ever will in hopes the next that bloom are full of colour
What is grey but a mess of bodies of demons and the heroes
carpeting the deserted battle field that once fluttered with the winds

I open my eyes and the day is finally out
but you can hardly say.

Sky rests above this land
sky hangs bellow it—

and this world keeps spinning
and we keep running
we skip over the spiralling ropes
Jumping, ever jumping—
afraid to get strangled up
afraid to kiss the ground

What if this land tore open—
ripped and ripped till it were two
who would take us—

for we keep running and running
and we jump over the ropes
we jump then jump over again,
searching for wings on our arid backs
—we’d sail away if we could
and oh the worlds we’d see!
and secrets unleash

so we keep running and running
elevating our hopes up and up
till we’re one in the winds
but we never fly—
We fear the fall
afraid to wade into the unpredictable yonder
to rely solely on mercy of the grey bellow
—it entombs the people we loved and knew
feasting upon them, patiently
and nothing we can do will ever make it better

so we keep running and running
to keep warm our freezing hearts
but we cry only ice, it rolls down our bodies,
setting our flesh on fire, but we keep running
chasing the horizon where
sky is known to open her arms

but what lies above the sky
and if the ground split open
where would we go—

We laugh our questions away
and answers never sail our way
but then we blend in dirt and they lift us off
in their quiet arms; take us away
Where all’s to be seen and all’s to be heard
but there’s no one left,
and if a void is never seen or heard
what is there of the void but nothing

what lies above the sky
is it where all dead go
or where all unborn meet—
Is it where no one lives
or where no dies—

but its nothing we haven’t seen
for we implant our homes
not among the clouds but right here
on this broken land—
where no one lives and no one dies;
no dead leave and no unborn are new

and we keep running and running
for the world keeps spinning and
twisting and turning like a giant ball of clay
and we keep running and running--
mere pawns in an eternal play

we skip and we skip over the ropes
we then spin them for others
and watch them skip—
whirl away laughing when some
stumble and fall; these are our games
we keep laughing and laughing
hoping to laugh it all away

but we build our emerald halls
and dance in euphoric stalls
We invent new lands among the stars;
Tales of stollen dreams and made up hopes
tales of heroic norms and perfect forevers

and we smile in the starts and
we smile in the ends—
drink under our jewelled roofs and
Sleep with our flowers and pearls,
we paint this sky on our dreams
and remember it in our poems

But we’re not happy
But we’re not happy—
But we’re not happy.

and if this bruised land
that starves for our flesh
split open—

Where would we go?

Sun! dear sleepy sun.
Do you know what the squirrels are saying?
Say they heard from mice and moles
there’s a land beneath this land
Could you believe so?
These rooftops that you melt on
These trees— these roads— these waters—

But the lakes there, a frog exclaimed, are colder than dark
The buildings are grey skeletons— sometimes lesser
And trees— leafless— fruitless; tongue-tied with the winds.
threads stretching out in those nightly depths.
And humans— oh humans
but the snake shuddered at the mention

They’re raw! He hissed
like coal! Like a child’s burnt sock, alone on a blasted road.
there’s no flesh, no blood, sometimes not even—
But they’re alive, continued a worm
I heard ‘em talking—
Walking soundlessly in those ruins
saw crowns glimmer vividly over their heads

Sun! dear yawning sun.
I see you’re beginning to fade
I wondered if the folks there knew about you
—There’s no light there, not even a flicker!
but the snake told me.
and birds soar deep, wingless though they are,
in a sky choking of mud.
No one breathes for there’s no air to spare.
And the rat trembled,
and when I asked him why he did so
he only shook his head, closing his eyes.

And I thought
There’s a girl beneath my feet
A girl— withered and alive; alive
her inhuman sounds scaring away ants and spiders.
a sparrow up that bough
a crumbled mess of bones below—
And as your crimson colours pour over these silent moors
we put on our white-gold tires, and diamond rings
lay our worn-out daggers down to sleep
with only the dusk as witness

But sun! O should I admit
That I was bewildered
What land do you talk of? I asked.
The land below, said a rabbit, then pondered.
No, this land you talk of! a sky moulded and pounded
ash-white trees, sooty chirps,
vanquished beings with kingdoms and gems
— living and talking and—
and a squirrel scowled—

But I see you’re exhausted now
Here, I’ll cover you up with these clouds
And draw all of the curtains
the moon is only a street light far away
and stars, our locked up jewels
And I’ll guard this mortal sky for you

You, my sun, shall now be off to sleep.

no one loves a wild rose
love they may
the boldness of its stench
or sweet blood
that stirs within
at every touch of its teeth

but a rose is not a petal
or its blush
not the sturdy stalk
dressed in laces
a rose, a rose, a rose it is
and wholly it lives
wholly sings
to winds as nonchalant they go
to beads unblemished
an lips of gold

but its words
no gentleness adorns—
no yielding music
in blossoming gowns
its song, as ocean
smashing against rocks
cold
as all around them
glows a sky
angry and bleak

could I say,
no one loves a wild rose
—no one dare
and an infant may smile
to a sunny girl
blush a maiden, a mother old

but a rose wild,
wild stays;
and such simple its lure
I am left a forest
bowing.
and I like you, I
like you, I like you
whole, whole—

Wilted jasmines look like popcorns
… that wasn’t very poetic, right?
I was just watching the bushes sway outside my window.
There is no wind today
Just the hot air breathing
I have turned on the A.C. and the fan grumbles quietly

I feel as if my heart is in my stomach
Huh.
**** it,
I really am forcing it out today..
Whatever
I rested my palm on my stomach
As Faizan’s strange playlist chattered nonsense
Outside the blanket shroud I had built
Around myself
And I could feel the beat
The rhythm
Like a drum or a gong
I don’t know why it matters to me
Maybe because I feet as if nothing else does
Right now
I know that sounds exactly like something
A sentimental teenager would say

I don’t know
I want to talk to myself
A heart-to-heart
I want to ask that *****
What is going on
What is wrong
What the **** is wrong, girly!?
I want to hear her ramble on about stuff
Be bored of her talk, but feel kind of happy
That I’m the one she’s confiding in
I wanna give her a hug
To show I don’t have words good enough for comfort
Which I probably do
But am too lazy to fish them out my gooey head
(Besides
I think the poor **** needs a hug)

I wanna zone out and nod along to her words
Just so she can let it out for once
But that *****’s a *****
She acts tough and all smart
But she’s a sappy preteen girl inside
I say,
“Yo, Ayesha, you can cry, you know—”
And she goes,
“Yeah, I know.”
A flip of that inexistent hair
That she long ago butchered
And, bam, she gone.
She tells me
"Yo, Ayesha, you can cry too, you know?"
"I know" I tell her.
I don’t know what to do
So I lie around
Feeling this stupid ***** dance in my stomach
In my wrists
In my temples
I run my fingers down my neck,
Feeling for the echoes of the gong
That keeps talking, talking, talking
Untiring
As if calling me to my people
gathering us together for a battle
that is yet to be fought
yet to be fought—
yet to be ******* fought

And, hey, my
Money plant doesn’t even look rich
That *****—
(Hey, I got a rhyme!)

Winds, whistles
now all is quiet
paint-brush, sea
your lips moving
speaking nothing
your hands
expressive as ever
my words
causing a *****
by your feet
cluttering, cracking
as you step away

there is no noise
no chirps of the city
no tales of sleep
I run but the running
leads to nothing
I run not to run
or to reach;
perhaps to move
or to cause to move

But the movement
makes no change
the heart is far
the hands grasp each other
like mourning women
the sun is empty
the sky is full of it
houses reek of its reticence
and the people
are out of talks

summer is cold
white, dim, dusty and damp
the pages crinkle like cloth
and when I look up
you are headless

just shoulders, neck, arms
torso, legs
a presence, but
no voice
I speak, I cannot hear
You crumble
I crouch to collect
but I can grasp
at the quiet only

Privet! You are that
puerile, puffy
no longer the outline
that they had cut of you

Bold like a spider
smaller than the white spot
on my nail
I slam the book shut
you are faster
you skitter about on the table
mocking as if
but I like to play too

breathe—
like mint shrub under a drizzle,
Ink clawing it’s way up a quill
Like lemon grass growing
Like steam rising from a cup of tea
Like parchment.

Like confetti circling a cyclone
Like a whip kissing skin
a branch cracking
Like chalk against cement,
Like nails on sandpaper
Like glitter.
breathe—

But sometimes I lie straight on my back
Under a heavy quilt—
let my limbs slump away, let my fingers sink
weakly into sheets
And I think,
this is how we die—
Insipid eyes blanketed by skin
A book incomplete—closed midway, without a mark.
They may tie our chin and skull with a strip of cloth
to prevent our loose jaw from falling open,
this— is how we die

Like the carcass of Morning Glory
hanging— swaying in the wind
Like coal left behind by a burning log,
Like a dusty painting.
Like a moor.

No wings sprout out of our jagged backs
they put us in a box and clothe us in dirt
No earthworms spare our clotted blood
Clouds don’t come bowing down
nor does sky break to shards— for our escape.
solid bricks, we never did mind sleep
nor the warmth or tight embrace of our beds
the world's too big anyway— for our shrinking selves

Silence—
Like a beetle crawling down a leaf
the ocean behind a portrait
Like moon, yawning
Like a folded paper, filled with scribbles
Like dusk.

Like a still child.
a tongueless nightingale up a bough
Like words in a bottled letter.
Like rubble under smoke
Like a palette, unwashed.
Like a bone.
Silence—

And someone knocks under you—
You dig out the coffin and break open its lid
But it’s filled, to the brim, with mud.

And time spirals on—
Pushing us behind, and we fight against it.
A puppet tied to the sky,
wishing to see the end of an abyss
Like a stone under the ocean, dreaming of stars
breathe—
Like a newborn leaf.
breathe—

But the time spirals on—
and we, with the dirt, reunite.

What nonchalant carnage did you leave
To rot on my skin?
Rub and rub, I rub in vain.
A cling so sure
Like birthed for me

Seep then in the rhizoids deep
Sack, sack the village to stream

To river to smoke

As sea, as sea, and only so, I see

You, the circus balanced on the lashes of your feats,
hues yours
Binding, blinding their hiss and shine
Trembling a string I
Spit and spit naught but I

Full to brim, this yonder of mine
Full and choking, homesick a home
Dry and dust— the blossoms of mine

Burn and burst of bone and beast
All onto the beach, bloodless, breathes

And I cannot even— I dare not even
Wash it away—

sour sun in my stomach
threatens to rise

quiet
what viscous a sound

noise
like dust on a wall
the hand moves
and wears it
stills then
and becomes it

this city tumbles
a restless fall

loud
so loud

I cease to hear it
almost

but then
in solidity
it is here
in the throat, on the lashes

it becomes a blinking billboard
it pounds
      pounds
like a fist like a fist
        like a
wasp
like a thousand

a thousand a thousand

watching

some secrets up the clouds
some gatherings that gleam

lie, artefact
chipped a statue

moving
like the watery movement of a sea

a thousand thoughts
furl unfurl

coral tunes
fish word, hues

as the curtain thins
thins

satin sky
silver sun

swift the whistlings
of drunken clumsies

and stout their wings
with merry and night

gentle
on stone body

that moves
watery

So here it is again;
a perfect being staring at a broken mirror
hoping to catch a glimpse of life
in those bottomless, unlit eyes.
Here I am, once again
lost in a fiction that's shattered asunder.
Maybe it's just my reflection that's damaged.
Or maybe just me.

Once again, I'm betraying the Lord,
begging Him for peace in my broken prayers,
in my broken faith.
No, my heart ain't broken nowhere.
It's me. Everything about me.
I am not hurt, I'm broken.
Damaged in many places;
my mind, a mere splinter
my soul, wilted and withered,
my being, decayed.
Or maybe it's just my vision.

Here I am, once again
staring at a dark roof that faces a starless sky.
I try to ache,
I try breaking apart,
and screaming my death out.
But nothing happens.
Sorrow doesn't come by,
no one throws me off the edge,
my voice sinks deep into my stomach, shivering
There's no hopelessness to bring me hope
no pain, no escape, all poetry in vain.

I let my eyes get lost in the hollow of the sky
that looks at me through the glass window.
I wonder how far I actually see
Wonder if there are sparks but my eyes are clouded
wonder if my soul strives to escape the arid of my body
perhaps that's why my heart keeps beating
trying to break the cage of my ribs and run away
perhaps that's why I feel my blood flowing
running and racing in search of a wound, a way out.
I wonder how long I'll last
without seeing a star
wonder how long I'll last before my cracks give in
and I fall into the depths of my own void.

Then I turn around,
Undraw the curtains
and in the dejecting darkness
I convince myself to sleep
for there'll be no whining tonight
there'll be no hoping tonight.
Again.

Yet again.