I am at war.
I am at war with myself.
Sometimes the good wins sometimes the bad and it shows itself on my face, on my arms and my legs.
This is a battle where no matter the outcome.
I loose.
This war inside of me. It hurts. Like I'm being ripped in half. I hate that I feel like this but at the same time I crave it.
I belong in misery. I don't deserve happiness or normalness. I deserve this war.
Because in the end.
I am This war.

We knew each other when we were young. We always hung out and had so much fun. I liked you and you liked me. It really wasn't hard to see. I still know you were my first love. You were my white flying dove. Then one day i had to move. I left with your memories, the feeling of your last on my cheek, and a bracelet you gave to me. A Year went by. I thought every day of you. But soon that year turned to two. Five have gone by and I loose hope. I don't think I'll ever see you again I start to tighten the rope. Out of nowhere my computer says your name. I couldn't believe it. I sent you a friend request and you accept. We start talking again catching up. I learn you missed me just as much as I missed you. And soon we talk for a few. Hours fly by I'm the happiest I've ever been. Then I finally hear you say you love me too.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to get up I just want to lie on this cold hard floor. The voices in my head are finally silenced but at a cost. I feel like my soul is lost. I took something again, maybe it'll **** me. Or maybe I'll just feel better, we'll see. That's the only way this pain leaves. It stops my feelings and stops my grieves. I can't open my eyes now. Maybe it's finally it. I guess we will see in another fit.

I'm all on my own now
Have nothing to lose
The one thing I cared of
Decided to move (on)

I'm sitting here, waiting
For just one last call
But I'm scared of hearing
Please, don't say "Goodbye"

I lay wide awake. I can't help It, I've done everything I can. Maybe my life is fake. Those voices I silence during the day, they come back stronger. And I lay here in the dark forever longer. They yell in my head screaming at me, Saying I'm not good enough, saying I'll fail. The clock ticks bye and I need to sleep so I take that Nyquil. I know I shouldn't and I know it's bad but half a bottle is ok. Maybe a sip will do, oh no I'm still not tired so down it goes. And I can't express my deepest woes. I start feeling happy enough to sleep, finally. I look at the clock oh I have an hour to sleep oh well. I'll fall asleep like I just fell. I whisper a final I'm sorry and hold that photo to my lips before finally passing out. Now the voices won't shout.

I need a break from reality.
Headphones in, music blasting... Block out the world..
For a little while. It doesn't have to be forever.
Though I wouldn't mind if it was, you seem happy.
Or at least content.. I'll always want the best for you even if that means with out me.