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If I am to go before you think I should,
bury me deep encased in wood.
If I am to pass on in my early years,
please don't cry for me, shed no tears.
Because it doesn't matter when,
it doesn't matter how,
it was bound to happen eventually.
My time just happens to be now.
 Aug 2015 AnActualToaster
DM
This pencil
This paper
Looks just like coke and razors

I write so much I can't feel your kiss
I'm not attached to humanity
Except through this bleeding heart
That I'm slowly whittling away
It's taking shape of something so ******* beautiful

But you always say I'm killing myself
That I'm in denial
Crocodile tears and a plastic smile
For a while you fool yourself into thinking you're right
For a while you fall for your own *******

This apathy
These scars
Tattoos of times I've been torn apart

I ache for human touch
But every nerve has been severed
I close myself inside
Your ****** up mind
And watch your memories in silence
What we made is so decayed and rotten
We denied life to what we'd forgotten
I can't look at my reflection without slitting its throat
I remember what you told me and I quote:

But you always say I'm killing myself
That I'm in denial
Crocodile tears and a plastic smile
For a while you fool yourself into thinking you're right
For a while you fall for your own *******

This love
Those emotions
Can't find which hole in my heart they go in

I balance my life on the edge of a blade,
I get cut and nicked
No matter which turn I take
I'm teetering, watching myself bleed
It leads me to believe that smile was always fake
There was no right time to deny the lies I regretted
Self destruction was the first defense I hated
As I see all these lines blurred in my head
Thinking back to what you said...

But you always say I'm killing myself
That I'm in denial
Crocodile tears and a plastic smile
For a while you fool yourself into thinking you're right
For a while you fall for your own *******
I am sorry for who I am.
I am sorry for getting jealous.
I am sorry for making you feel bad.
I am sorry for my tears.
I am sorry for my mood swings.
I am sorry for my insecurities.
I am sorry that you worry so much.
I am sorry that I  get scared.
I am sorry that I push you away.
I am sorry that I am weak.
I am sorry that I need you so much.
I am sorry that I let you fall in love with me.
But baby,you were so different.
You made me feel so so special.
For some reason I actually believed this could work. You and I.
It honestly was my biggest wish but I guess a sick person can't be with a healthy person.
I could never explain all of this and you probably won't understand and that is totally ok. I don't want you to see the world in my eyes. You see this world so differently, it makes you happy just to live. Maybe that's another reason why I fell in love with you. Maybe I hoped that I could also fall in love with living again,and I did for a while and I am so thankful for that. But this kind of sadness doesn't just go away and I should have known,I really wish I could have been the one to make you happy.
The one you could go on adventures with. The one you could marry some day. After all,I love you more than anything and I always will.
That sounds childish but it's true.
You showed me light in a time filled with darkness. I love you.
He sat alone,
alone & at home,
where his screams were silent,
but his mind was violent,
his insecurities hid deep inside,
they did indeed eat him alive,
a tear rolled down his face,
as his heart began to race,
where his depression lied deep within.
this went on for days, months, years,
and until he cried  his very last tears,
he decided that he had enough,
the world around him was much too  tough,
it took the gun to his head,
Congrats Society,
he is dead.
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