I am not you, and you are not me
But I at least deserve respect, you see
My body is my own, my boundaries are too
Why am I punished for upholding the two?
Who made you the boss
Who made you think you were king
Who made you think everything you wanted
Was yours for the taking

Now I’m the *****, now I’m the tease
All because I offered you kindness
And you took it as an offering of me

My anger fuels me
But not for the better
I’m closed off, I’m quiet and overly aggressive
I don’t know when peace will meet me again
And haven’t slept well since the incident

I hope you are happy with yourself
Because I haven’t hated me more
Sometimes all I can do is
Lay crying on the cold floor
Hoping the tears draw out the pain
That’s  held me captive, since that night you became
A bottomless pit, a toxic drain

The complexity of the human
mind is amazing
Dreams and sleep ignite deep fascination
Explosions of neurons rehabilitating our minds and bodies.
Dreams please us, terrify us, rejuvenate us, leave us restless.

My relationship with sleep has been complicated since  I was a teen
I experience sleep paralysis accompanied by demented hallucinations.
But last night I had the most comforting dream It alleviated the pain I’ve been feeling recently

I’m not sure who to thank
If it’s myself or a friend I lost
but it was brought to me at the most
Perfect time, and it’s  helped me understand
Why some people believe in angels.

I remember being a young girl at the pool
Playing this game with myself
Where I would float on my back
Belly, face, and palms to the sun
I’d see how still I could be
And once I was as still as I felt was possible
I’d exhale and feel myself sink
Almost close enough to where my nose was underwater
Just before the moment where air meets water
I’d breathe in as deep as I could manage
And feel myself rise again
Back to the surface
Back to safety
Sometimes I still do that
Maybe you do too
Just in a different way

Sometimes the place we turn to when we aren’t exactly sure who we are or what we want, is the place that is always the same.
At least in some way. Usually just the location.

And that place speaks to us because
We’ve  been there when we were so sure about who we were and where we wanted to be, the first time we ever went.

And somehow that place stays in the same spot and feels so comfortable and somehow brand new each time
Because we are always different
And always wanting to be and see something new

But just for a moment in that same place
We see exactly who we truly are
And to me. That’s something.

I can almost feel the ground shaking
As old ways begin to fall into the abyss
And the new finds itself sifting through the cracks, down into
And through me

What was will never be again
And I feel it tugging on my heart strings
Pulling and pulling, just to see how flexible they really are
Thinking maybe if they tug just gently enough they won’t eventually snap
But they always do

We have a way of forgetting that all things come to an end
And when they do
All we have left is a memory and maybe a tear or two.

You want my body and
I just want some of your time
But you have none to give and its left me in a
Bind
Feeling trapped in myself and can’t unwind.
So I push myself so hard trying to use the grind, as some sort of outlet, but let me tell you- it’s just not enough

Lights on
Lights off
Lights out
I’m out, of my mind, out of reasons to continue to live on- this way
Way out
Out there somewhere
I’ll find the time to bring myself back down to
Where I can love
And still be mine.

My heart bleeds of circumstance
Indecision and slight chance.
Life is chaos, be nice.