twelve

         If i could write a letter to my twelve your old self, i would mention the pain your about to face, with self loathing and mental health is far worse then the years before. I would mention how when you wake up wipe the sleep from your eyes and read this letter and find two people you loved gone from your life forever. When you leave your plastic car framed bed you will find an empty room in the basement. The first loss is not death but abandenment leaves no answer to the sting a heart can feel when your older sister meant to guide you has ran away.  She has left, and to what you shall soon find out, left you to your death. The second loss has less thought to the idea of why? but still i did cry. It was my great grandmothers time. Her slow pace death lead to suffering till one week to the day after i turned twelve.  Emotional asking questions why, three days later i tightened my silk tie putting on a suit and ending the night seeing the casket of one of you. To think of you as dead eased my head for a while but still have to replace my frown with a fake smile. After all i lost a sister, when i needed someone to talk you were never there. Instead i just found myself cutting and dyeing my hair.  This is the year you feel your fathers strong hand as you tremble below it. This is the year you tremble in fear this is the first year you want to die

Thirteen

      To my thirteen year old self, im sorry life doesnt get better. im sorry that this is year your parents admit they don't care.  Im sorry this is the year you hear the three words no one wants or deserves to know their pain. Even though the words "I hate you" Were uttered in vain. Im sorry no one was there to hold you in there arms, im sorry of how when looked in the mirror every morniing after you showered  telling yourself its a new day and the pain is past. Im so sorry of how you found out how long the pain really lasts. Look at what you have achieved though, this is the year you win first in all categories invited to Kick Canada to again win. You achieve a bronze as a group, silver in your weopons, and gold in kickboxing. With you feeling weighed down your still weightless, with your amazing place and the smile on your face to look in the croud hearing the aplause. Somethings missing though your parents no where to be seen. Im sorry they wernt there to say good job im sorry your dads hand still strikes strong. This is the year you say enough though, you say no and strike back your foe. He stands stunned for a minute and walks away, the bruises faded away from the surface, but inside i still see them.  It is the night of my birthday i fall asleep praying tomorow will bring a better year.

Fourteen

     Im sorry this is not the year it gets better, your father never lays another hand to your dismay doesnt matter for his and your mothers word fly freely. This is the year they make you cry, only to insult you further "your nothing, your trash" there tounges did lash me. Til  i crashed under hate to my untimly fate, your mother is sick and you walk into the room as she slashes the blade across her wrist, you watch her bleed amd scream for help but she pretends u dont exsist she  spends the next year and eight monthes in psycitric care. Left in a house with nothing fair in the air my invitation ti nationals came and past i did not go in fear of leaving my mother would effect her more vast, past her yelling at ke eberyday i walked in the light blue room with the curtains always closed filled with gloom . While my mother on her last heartstrings looked for strength from her groom . Only to be filled with hate she saw me as a reminder he exsists and how he doesnt visit but i did. I walked the long path every **** day to see my mothers face still i wasnt good enough but that is just my luck. It is my last night of this age. The house is empty amd quite but still remains okay just praying thiis new year brings joy to the now broken boy.

Fifteen

     This is not the year it gets better neither, but this os the year your mother is released. It took a week for the smiles to wear away. Then i saw once again the skin tare from her flesh. Soon hate took over the tone under her breath and malace mixed with spite is the only thing left of my mother i once knew. This is the year you once again face death, you and your mother are in a car driving counting breaths singing along to eminem, reciting robert frost. when suddenly a car passes us and my mother is crossed the mid age lady on her phone swirving around, not paying atention to anyone or anything i still see her frown. She ran a stop sighn without a thought hit by a garbage truck in front of our eyes now i know the cost of when her cellphone conversation stopped. This was the first time i watched someone die. Still shocked  my mother had to call the abulence as i and the garbage man saw the damage in case she still did breath. In the end blood filled the scene as me amd the garbage man covered the front window with a sheet to protect what is left of this womens dignity. This is the year you fond a little blue pill that not only eases your pain if snorted aslo goves you a thrill. This is the first year that you almost sucsessfully kil.l... yourself going to sleep for this living hell praying next year could be better aswell.

Sixteen

     This year is a self medicated blur, this is the year you forgot who you were. T3s replaced with perks and shots only to be soon replaced with oxys in your black box crushed and lined one at a time up your nose the powder glides. The first night you try an 80 you overdose nearly comitoce as you spew a frothy white  fluid from your mouth but my freinds saved me to this day i dnt know how called said i passed out and cant drive home so my parents could never figure out how i lay on the tiled floor back from death after this a pill is never again accepted that is your debt 2 days to your birthday that cursid day your sober but that was just babby steps and i promise little soilder babby steps you would not regret.

Seventeen

      This is the year you stopped praying for help thinking you did this to yourself i promise it wasnt you. How could it be your still just in youth. This is the year you watch your father fall. You find the trail of debt 100 thousand dollars owed mine aswell of been a million for we can barely live so how would you like us to pay it back i finfd him stealing money from my backpack. This is the year you find out your dad is the same worth of a rat and you dont have to take his crap. This is the year he snaps and instead you help him back up. He was in achoma five days as you stayed never slept jus sat beside his hospital bed praying this did not mean death. Death came in a different way with your cousin brit stabbed to death by her husband on febuary fith.. this is the year you wished you diddnt exsist.

Eighteen

     This is the year.... you found the courage to see you will always be...good and thats enough for me.

It's a cold and lonely world.
People can get lost.
Crazy things can happen,
Some at quite the cost.
People can be influenced,
Doing things they don't want to.
We can get confused,
Thinking wrong's right thing to do.
7 billion people.
It's easy to just exsist.
But I want more than that.
Instead, I want to live.

And sad she's been.

and drinking in the new year has everything seemed like it would fit into place... but fit in it does not, a square hole fitting a sphere shaped piece...

attempting the new does the old fit in better than anything, and happy nowhere does she fit in, and drink does she more...

but the more she sips the poison, does the toxin fill her lungs and more often than not does the feeling of unease take over her body... and simply the many that call her amazing really mean terrible...

but know little that they mean terrible, and the few that read terrible, know simply the  tears that fall are more simple and complete than anything felt before, and every feeling felt before is unknown and foreign to those who think they are aware, but are really oblivious.

always does the rain fall on those who ask for it, don't be sad and wish it didn't happen, because the truth that lies is what really exists and the new year brings in nothing but good hopes and wishes. maybe he should sleep.

and ask for that does she not, she wishes the truth would surface, because then would the sun break through and the light be seen by many, and make all the pieces fall into place, and everyone would read the story much more easily in the light than in the dark of her thoughts and maybe then will her soul not feel so heavy but light.

and always will she feel better if everything the alcohol keeps inside would stay inside, and the years past would not exsist and everything would fade away and the rain would it wash away everything...

and pretend all that occurred didn't, and innocent she would remain instead of everything stolen from her heart would she remain happy, instead of ruined and just another pawn in life's game of chess instead of a piece of a game that can ruin others...

and always ruin will she because she deserves death but isn't strong enough to give, because if strong enough to give would everyone serve time and deal debt instead of tears filling cups, and woes filling life, and pain filling strife... maybe then would the debt be repaid but no...

the heart still beats with unknown determinations... if the truth of it all showed would the heart truthfully give up and let the truth give in... whereas the life would be lost and no one would question it...

when I am alone I see u in my dreams
I hear u in my heart
And feel u in my soul
How did I get this way
To where I can't even look u in the eye
U quit talking to me
U never have time
I wait in my room and think of u
While u play video games
Is it  because that's how we met
Dose it have meaning
Or couldn't I be more wrong
Just remember that I'm here

this patron
no longer exsists

well this is news
to me

i just returned some
overdue books

and wish to borrow more

but nope, not me
I no longer exsist

that must mean
I need not buy
those lambshanks
for tea

Not pay those bills
teeter tottering  on
the verge of overedue

no need to be pleasent
to any one, especially
not you

Rude lady, new
to the system
who has coldly
informed me
of my demise

Who states with
disinterest and haught
in her spectacled eyes
You must not have
borrowed for
the past three years
You no longer exsist
this she did insist
even as I pointed out
I had returned books
only three days overdue
Even as other librarians
stopped to chat, knowing
my name, recommending
new books, telling me gossip
about this and that....

This patron does not exsist
it cannot be true, it is not a glitch
this patron is a patron
through and through
I left them to figure out
the mystery, I did not pout
or get out of sorts and a little blue
I said I would come back Monday
that is if over the weekend
I do not simply fade away

There Is Only One Race,
The Race Of Reality
There Is Only One Race,
The Race Of Humanity,
Someone's Color Does Not Bother Me,
It Is There Heart That Matters,
They Could Have Skin White As Can Be,
But A Heart That Is Black And Battered

Race Does Not Exsist,
It Was Made By Humans To Create Control,
I Could Be Racist,
But The Only I Color I Judge Is That Of Ones Soul,
I Don't Mind A Headdress,
It's Simply Just Clothes,
Im Tired Of Peoples Heartlessness,
Over What Someome Else Chose,
If Someone Speaks Another Language,
That Is Fine With Me,
English Is Average,
With Words I Don't Know All I Hear Is Beauty

You Should See The Beams Of Hatred,
Towards Anyone Of A Differnet Color,
Good Friendships Wasted,
Or Maybe Even A Lover,
I Don't See Myself As White,
I Don't See Myself A Caucasian,
I Don't See My Self As Light,
I Dont See Myself As American,
All I See Is Who I Am Inside,
I Wish Other People Could See It Too,
I Wish People Could Confinde,
In The Person Inside Of You,
Behind All The Clothes,
Behind All The Skin,
Or Whatever Comes And Goes,
Just The Person With In,
I'm Not A Hippie I'm Just Saying,
People Should Ignore The Faces,
And See What's So Amazing,
Ignore The Races,
And Stop All This Creating

HA i think
it's funny how
your always complaining
that you wish you could
find a girl who will treat
you right but i was friend
zoned

* I think it's
funny how you
want a girl who
wont cheat on
you but you want
all these girls who
look like they came
off central

* I think it's
funny how
you want
a girl who
will be honest
with you but
you want
perfection

* Well i still think
that it's funny that
a girl you can trust
a girl who wont cheat
and a girl who is real
is right next to you
i have known you
for 3 years and still
you don't know
oh wait how could you
i was FRIEND ZONE

"The perfect couple,"
Everyone would say,
As they saw us together,
Day by day.
"They'll never break up,"
Everyone would insist...
If only he knew,
That I exsist.

letchor blood currdle like wild flowers melting in the mid day sun, let your fire dragon breath beneath the mess of leaves falling from a calm breeze.
Bring peace to a world where silence is comfort and passion is the tulip under the shade. Let the water trickle across your from and watch the skies turn from blue to grey.
The world is a heartache but a heart none the less, you needent suffer because suffering come from ones whose enlightenment leaves no mess.
Be a star in a sea of diamonds. croon for the howling of a dewwy morning.
Believe in a seed that can plant a whole world, never let the thoughts alter your disposition. Your true calling already exibits strength, quite lying to yourself, sleepless this and sinner with saints.
An enegmatic dissolusion of propriety and oath, formless and scouring we delve deeper into our shelf.
Cables and wires sing with praises of stables and liars, klu klux ****, peanut butter and jam, what a contravity of mystery and a hairless dogs epiphany. We told you once and we'll tell you again, your night stand secrets bar no weight in this land.

soldiers ships sail without a captian your ballroom gown looks like a tale unfathomed. please exsist in me as i believe in you. let your gaurd down and let me take the bow. please let my love pass through you like grasses ablaze, set my lingering sentient body free i have no more purple haze.

the morning will come and the night will shrink an exhaled body as yours dissapears in a blink. Together and forever a seemless reality, one blood runs through the oceans and cowers down the river stop breathe, you exist in moments like these

everybody sees you but no body nods, your a stupid little quip on someone elses radar. help yourself before you **** another be your best friend your mother your father your brother. let the ragsw turn to riches and the wine into the blind, let yourself ferment and **** the cat that explains your time. keep to yoursel fan dnever let them in, your a blind man with a stick and everyone else is screaming let me in. to each there own and to own a martyr is a shame, refrain from self obscurity and procrastinate your brain. Reach for the truth kept in a jar glass with the words mason like the illuminati keep in there car. your a vehicles for self enhilation a explosion of confusion, embrace this mess, it all you have to keep. like a safe bares a rope your only job is to escape..

brimming with hatred and filled up with angst your an emotional writer trying to die on the page.
**** yourself kindly and **** yourself well, your death will be celebrated like a child blowing out the candels at his birthday from hell. tears hit the icing and the presents all rott, something was a miss did his mother forget to love him not. the poor childs life went up in ruins the cycles of existance dug him into ruins bleeding and rotting a child life ion time be the future self that your chilhood friend can find. Be with your death like your beside your life. in the middle lies the truth betweent he lies of existing between pictures of books that no one took the time to read. death of a salesman the drowning of a rat, **** yourself with kindness eat your cake until your fat.

whats the problem with that? *******. you ****, you did it you ****! lol. :) ;) emote.

dying by numbers

illusions of granduer
life in a breath
**** the pitch man and take your breath

dont edit yourself absolve yourself

write for a feeling it is fleeting write for death and become alive

If I could go back to the day we first met, I would have done something different that day.
I could have stayed home,and nursed back my voice. Remember things I hardly could say?.
My goals and my dreams would have stayed my main focus because I'd never left town.
By falling in love,the world I had known,changed me so much I have drowned.
The tears and the pain cut me so deep I thought my soul would curl up and die.
How could a love that I wanted so bad,make me question myself inside?

Was my love not enough? Didn't I give you all that I had,and more?
You were the one in my heart I felt  held the most promise. We had forever in store.
The telltale signs that something was wrong,my gut told me you drifted away. Nothing was wrong,you said I worried too much. Your intentions towards me hadn't changed.

I can no longer ignore,or deny it, my love because you mean the world to me.
If I could go back to the day we first met, I'd take back that one day,you see.
If there is some reason, a lesson to be learned,I think that maybe its this;
love needs to be nurtured and cared for,not taken for granted like memories fading because they have no reason to exsist.

Randy McPeek

I know you just died,
But it's not over yet,
'Cause you'll live on
In all the people you have meet

In their memmories
You still exsist
In your music
Your spirit still lives

You've become immortal,
Though you were born to lose
You still managed
To make footprints with your shoes

The fact that you made an impact
On so many lives
Is the simple reason
That your memmory never dies.

I am not depressed.
I can still smile at pretty things
And laugh when jokes are funny
I can still talk to people.
And enjoy nice days.

But when I go inside,
When I'm alone,
There's something broken.
And I fall into sadness so sweet
That it engulfs me.
And the tears always fall
When I'm falling asleep.
And I miss something
That doesn't exist.

I am not depressed.
I've just been sad for a while.
But I can still find the peace.
And smile.*

a.s.

We ...
Are The Architects of Our Fate
we build the walls
all these gates
We construct solid walls
they take them down
let them fall
then look around
for Solid Ground
until it's found
I plant my feet

Take a seat
share a story
of honored Glory
My Father was a Carpenter
a Master Builder they would say
And I see his buildings
every day
Arts and craftsman
my kind of build
houses filled
engrossing skill
amazing will
holes were drilled
handhewn milled
beams
intricate details

imparted to me
you can see
by carving
wooden
weathered
leather hands

It's good to admire
though I do not aspire
to live in one now

I miss the farm
in  simple charms
A time exsist my  memories

Queen Abigail of Chelsea
a border collie
she was our dog
Willamina a hog
or the name of a pig
rooting earth she'd happily dig
a silly gig
She never was a meal
Her funny squeal
Saved her life

had a horse  named Cochise
no wool from lamb
that we could fleece
you could not ride
but would stand on hind
legs
and beg
for marshmallows!

I miss the Farm
all the time
it taught me
life is worth living
to keep on giving
what I can.


Cherie Nolan © 2016

Perfection to most is a key to being "right" to everyone else.
Perfection is almost like what you have to be.
perfection whatever the hell it is has become.more.important to worry about than who we really are inside.
Perfection doesnt last forever.
Perfection doesnt even exsist.
there will never be such a thing as someone being perfect.
we all have our things we all have our worries,our fear, our little things.
How did this "perfection" become more important than our dreams?
how did looking good enough just not to be made fun of become a reality?
When did these groups be casted just so everyone could feel lonely.
Everyday we wake up and wonder if we look right.
Or if we are gonna be made fun of again.
im on the outside of it all looking at those who worry more about what people say more than a future they hold.
After those 4 years are up and you were so worried about being "perfect" to a person who left you in three seconds ill be the one going to yail while you sitting there wondering what you did for those 4 years. So instead of worrying of words worry about your dream and catch it.-mickie rouxe-

They throw their hands up as if there is some higher being;
Little do they know there is no such thing.
Singing and speaking to something that doesn't exsist;
Each one brainwashed into believing, convinced their destiny is assured.
Leaders putting themselves as better than everyone else;
Bathed in the irony that this goes against what they speak.

Heart is heavy.
Just want to sleep.
Don't want my alarm clock,
To shout its morning beep.
Why can't I be like Sleeping Beauty?
Sleeping her life away,
And then when she does wake up,
A handsome prince awaits.  
But what if she didn't love him?
That would be quite the plot twist.
What if she didn't like him?
Cause things that perfect don't exsist.

a friend posed the question
there is a first world
and there is a second world,
but where do you find the
second world?

and sadly i think i know the answer.
the second world lives is
the hidden shadows of the
first.

and is populated by....

.....those who live in the shells
of architect designed houses, with no power running
water,

..or worse live in cars or
couchsurf.

....it is those  pensioners who
exsist on tinned cat food
and  teabags re-used  
seven times.

....old people who wear their entire wardrobe in the winter
cold.

....children with bad teeth and chronic health issues
un-attended because they
can't afford a doctor

...it is the man,
who died the other day.
hit by a train,
while his children watched,
retrieving some dropped groceries,
he got from,
a food drive van.
...it was the first food
they would have had in 48hrs,
the child stated for reporters.

this .....
is the second world!!!
right here ....
mostly hidden from sight
not even reminded by sad
tv ads
only when abject utter tragedy
happens
do we see a glimpse
of the second worlder's
desperate plight.

True honest love doesn't exist.
At least not for someone as broken as me.
Everyone I fall for is nothing more than a *****.
Ready to cheat and give up because I'm a worthless piece of trash.
Why am I here if I'm only ment to suffer?
God if you exsist please help me.
I can't take this torment.
This judgment from everyone.
I need you to show me that love will be there in the end.
I'm broken and crying.
I want to die but hold on to hope.
I don't want to do this on my own.
Love if you exsist then show me a sign.
Give me any reason to keep on living.
Or am I ment to die completely alone?

I need you to set palms together
entangle generosity like raindrops connecting
branch out and cling your roots into the soil
blossom like cherry trees in japan
quiver like the heart of a 10 year old girl
who just witnessed love for the first time

melt, like the man who was raised with
hatred in his heart and has melted for the
first time on top of his wifes grave

scream, the screams of the native americans
upon the burning of their villages and
the rotting of their tribe, the tyranny of their land
my tongue hurts to say
this is my land
I feel it was never ours
it was theirs

laugh, like the children
and remember there are children in remote places
that have a pain in their eyes that we thought can only exsist within elderly
who know not the sound of a tender smile
remember that youth, when your children give out that glorious sound
and do anything to make that melody even louder
let your children laugh for those who dont know how
and raise them to seek them and teach them
even if it is through tears of thanks
that is the most beautiful laughter
the deepest happiness is that which comes with rain
the kind that extracts pain and cleanses the soul
washes the face and kisses the cheeks


dream and have hope like the small child sitting at the window at midnight way past
bedtime with bruised legs
promising themeselves that everything will be okay
with no shoulder to lean on
staring at the stars and having a clear image of the better
days to come, away from abuse and neglect
yes there are children like that
and there are also children
who scream into their pillow at night
remember to cradle the youth
they are the future
you are the future, living through your young



feel every intensity within your body
hold it there for just some time
cradle it
laugh with it
sing with it
dance with it
cry with it
bleed with it
and mourn it when it is not there

remember that, that intensity
is your humanity

We are the demons of this earth. We are the vampires that **** away the life we "hold so dear". We are the monsters that ravage and destroy towns of peace just because we are blood thirsty.
We make up monsters by looking deep within ourselves. We find them fascinating, desirable, and lustful. Though we are those demons that we speak of. We are the demons within the stories and movies we find so alluring. I do not fear those demons and monsters that we have "made up" because the real monsters are all around me. They are all around this earth yet unseen by the naked eye. Only those who have seen it first hand know the evil of this world. The evil that those movies truly tell us. We may not be those monsters we have made up, but we are much more then that. Look around you, no one is as they seem, nothing in this world is.
I listen to the rain, hearing silence, yet screams of pain. This world calls out to us, wanting, waiting, for the sun to rise and for us to fall. We **** the life out of everything we touch. We create more of us to do what we wish upon the world. Spreading lies, betrail, and blood. Our hands our red with our mothers blood. We have killed our mother, the very thing that gave us life. What are we? Are we truly better then those monsters we see or are we simply looking into a mirror or possibly the future. The wars between vampires and werewolves are nothing less of the wars that go on today. We fight for nothing, we **** for fun, we die so that this world has a chance to survive.
Some of us resist, but none of us truly exsist. We are this worlds end. We are our own death. There is no reaper, only man. There are no vampires, werewolves, or even elves. We are those monsters we speak of and we will stop at nothing until evil has one. Our mothers and our fathers will always see us as less of a person. The longer we live, the more evil we become. Do we become stronger? No! Only weaker and deeper into the darkness that will consume the brightest of hearts.

We are not poets.
Nor are we artists.
         We are the bleeding hearts
                                                   Daring to rebel.
Society cuts this world into careful little blocks.
Devided by cold cut stones forced to comply.
And yet,
             If you look a little closer, you will notice,
                  Not us, for you will never see our face
   But you will see our fragments.
             The pieces of us we leave behind for you
                Scattered among these cold stone walls
Words we have carved into the stone
             With our own ****** nails.
                              Proof that we exsist.
                                               Proof that you can to.
So here we are,
                    Strings of letters
                                       And scattered lines,
                                 All echoing the same war cry.
                          “We Are Here.”
                                                    "Are You?"

I see the way you look past me
Through me
Over me
And around me

As though I don't exsist

But thats typical
Of course I don't exsist
The only girls that catch your attention are the ones that catch your eye

Im not pretty
I get that
But sometimes I just wish that I was

I see no degradtion
in my broken passion of words
these words I speak from my deepest creases
my secrets hidden in the birds

I let you read me in my peices of peices
and I am called absurd
I let you let me shift you with my magic
now your vision of me is more blurred

Ill let you hunt me down
so lopsided and up and done battered
I open the door hallucinating and tattered
its not not like you never mattered

I just have remote in my hands
I have intrusive in my wastelands
now my lungs expand


slow
ly
I lift my eyes and bend my head
without voice I preech muse of the dead
Im yearning for more than lifes bread
and we yell enough
enough
was said
but I get on my knees and I beg
life I say might there be something better that you can
grant
to express myself in ways purer than this
because I feel that I cant

I will carry my mind somewhere further than any foreign land
somehwere to a brutal coma
where little aliens of dripping uphoria exsist
hidden deep in every uncharted abyss
they will come up from the mudd
I will unravel them with the unraveling of this flower bud
I will lift my head up then nudge
in acceptence of all these empty cabinets
they have been emptied out by my wet mouth
to ease the pain and **** the drought
that burries itself like a baby
under the sheets of blood in my eyes

The wine and Smoke float with perfect balance, Numbing my mind and heart.
JUST KEEP BREATHING... Let it overtake me, far away to a new start or an old. I imagine I'm happy (Shiny pink lip stick makes you seem to be)
JUST KEEP LOOKING PRETTY... I feel like a useless prize! Kept by my master. Smiling, kisssing ***, Keeping His dream alive! When the wine and smoke float in perfect balance, I PRETEND I'M ALIVE!
I am the sexiest in the room. You know it's true. Not beacause it is but because I feel it, I own it and It's not you. My mind is my power, eyes are the weapoon. **** INNOCENCE! You could take notes or search within, everone has it, QUIET CONFIDENCE! Not as hard as it seems. I'M LEARNING TO STROKE MY OWN EGO! Don't really need you!
Is it so bad to want for yourself and hope for another?
THEY HATE WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY! How does one fill their time? Superficial smiles, 'How do you do's" But no one cares how you do. They revel in the sound of their OWN voice. Does the truth really hurt more than years of more mistakes?
JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, OPINIONS TO YOURSELF! How dare you forget for one moment that EGO RULES THE WORLD! So, beat around the bush, grin, nod and regergitate what they want to hear because that's what they like!
Stay in the cushioned cage of your limited mind... I'LL JUST ******' FORGET YOU! Isn't that easier than the truth that I know?!
Because when the wine and smoke float in perfect balance YOU DON'T ******* EXSIST!
Dear LORD keep me STRONG; Temptation for the dramatic endlessly teases the mind...........

I wish
for the sanctuary
of the arms I can hide in

where we both exsist there
an we no not of our pride in

this is the place where
only our love reside in

as I am imagining this
on the bed of my dreams,
you become
my new reality.

Ma Cherie © 2017

a true friend will be there when a girl dumps you
or make fun of you for being insecure
regardless of what you do friends accept and forgive you
you make mistakes so dont be too *******
those who do the same
eventually true friends have your back
and the fake ones disappear
no girl is worth a friend no friend is worth losing
when you have been friends for year
you both my be on different levels
but the most important word is respect
if you dont have it how do friends co exsist
trust one another through bad and good a true friend
never bails but true friends prevail

I don't want to exsist for awhile
But I'm told that's suicidal ideation
And I realize time again that yes I have depression
I want to call into work sad
Tell them I cant do this today
Or any day for that matter
That my brain is missing chemicals here and has too many chemicals there and it makes me exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally
But I can't call into work sad
I can't take a personal day to not exsist
There are jobs to be done and people counting on me
Ironic that anyone would when I cant even count on myself
How could I ever explain that I fight every day with a body that doesn't want me to exsist
How do I explain that showing up to work took more energy than my coffee fueled brain has
How do I explain that while I dont want to die,

I dont want to be.

3,2,1 blast off.
If I built a rocket would you shoot to the stars with me?
No, because I don't exsist in your world.
Figures...

you may exsist
but you are a ghost to me
as am I
for it seems you never knew me
oh the sweet irony
oh the innocent trust
oh I don't blame you
for who am I to say
the flaws I release are as real as yours
but I know that the blood I bleed
may of led you astray
as for I know I was never easy
in the end
love fades like the light in my eyes that night
when I believed it would last for awhile
but every moment is fleeting
every promise is misleading
or so I have learned
the lines got tangled
I was choking myself out
I would be lying if I said I was alright
for I have seen my mistakes in the clearest light
the reflection in the mirror oh so real
the reality of my position, spinning fast as the wheel
thank you for all its worth
I may now be a ghost of these streets
those memories just linger in the air I breathe
I feel the cold of the pavement beneath my feet
you are now a ghost
for it seemed none of this never happened
maybe, oh maybe we can just forget
or at least I hope you suceed
the last time we spoke still haunts me
so dry and dull
the words so stale and short
in time
all good things must come to and end
and so it did...it is better that way