One and Only
One and Only
3 days ago

I thought I could take it
and so I endured.
I thought I could make it
and so I went on.
Dismissing each thought
each farewell suggestion.
Little did I know
I was not that strong.

I've been good and I've been behaved.
I haven't had an idea like that for even more than days.
But somehow recently, I have been thinking,
planning once more,
my life which is fleeting.

I don't know why it's hard to tell others,
hard to tell those who you love and vice versa,
They tried asking when they seem to catch me,
but it doesn't seem that they take me seriously.
I'm just that extrovert who's had a bad day.
Doubtful it seems for me to wish myself away.
Some people have it worse and say I can't complain,
but this time it's different,
cause maybe you can handle it but this is my pain.

Stop calling me dumb,
Stop calling me intimidating,
Stop calling me walang hiya
please, stop calling me big,
It's not exactly a compliment,
so please stop saying it.
I thought you understood me
though maybe I'm at fault here,
for I could never show my feelings
as clear as my streaming tears.

I don't know how I can do this.. Most people seem to be fine leaving me alone.
#love   #feelings   #fear   #emotions   #sick   #rant   #insults   #rants  

You always read about anxiety as a thing you get when you're about to talk to someone you like, or about to go up and speak in front of a bunch of people, and for the longest time I thought my thoughts on anxiety, my anxiety was different from everyone else's, weird.

But I was fortunate to come across a poem, a kind of rant,
that decussed the same issue I was in. And sure, I'm not saying that anxiety doesn't involve getting nervous, or sweaty palms when doing something so small, so simple, but yet it can feel like the biggest thing in the world at the time, because yeah, that can be anxious anxiety, but what I'm talking about is the kind of anxiety where you stay in bed for 4 days straight because you're scared of what will happen if you get out of the comfor of your own room, you know making up a thousand different scenarios of how bad things could turn out.

Anxiety isn't just nerves or scared to do something so little, no anxiety is where you're scared of life itself, scared of living. Anxiety is a mental disorder, and I wouldn't wish it apon the worst of people.

Rant?
#poem   #fear   #anxiety   #thoughts   #rants   #depresstion  

Being sad for me is an experience.
I don't know if it's different from how everyone else's
But I if it's just like your sadness then I'm so fucking sorry

Because sadness for me isn't feeling down or being weighed down by this feeling
It's like being on fire
But on the inside

It's like being stabbed by something that doesn't hurt
Then feeling this cold fire spread through my body
Like a wild fire being winded out by my thoughts
Or frostbites all over my body being thawed and frozen again

Being sad feels so heavy and prominent that I'm not even sure if my happiness is real
If it's really there
Or if it's just the a sense of sadness

I feel disgusted by myself whenever I fake a smile or a laugh or even saying "I'm ok"
I wanna cover my mouth with my hands every time someone ask me if I'm ok because I'm hard wired to say that I am

Being sad is already so fucking painful that I've grown up being used to keeping it in instead of telling people about it
Because I don't want to let anyone in
I don't want anyone to see the wildfire through my soul
I don't want them to see me frozen up

Because I'll hate myself either way
If they burn themselves up to thaw me out
I'll hate myself
If I drown them out when I douse this down
I'll hate myself
And if I saw them carry any part of my sadness to help me
I'll hate myself

I'm so hardwired to not let anyone in that I can't let anything out without destroying everything an everyone around me

Being sad for me is an experience.
I don't know if it's different from how everyone else's
But if you feel the same thing as me
What would you do?
What should I do?

February 04, 2017
#me   #rants   #realmencry  

We ain't no showcase
not pictures to gawp at
or books you can pick up
so
shut the fuck up.

I could tell you all's fine
when
I've drunk all the wine and
the
streets are inviting
but
that's just shite in a tea cup

and swearing,
so what?
what the fuck have we got to
be Christian for?

While they're having their balls
while democracy falls
while the drones keep on flying
I'll keep on trying
to put across the message
that this ain't no picnic.

One and Only
One and Only
Oct 7, 2016

When you say "I love you"
Please say it to me
and not while looking somewhere or at someone else.
I don't have the guts to tell you and so
I live with my own consequences.
Have I ever told you that my body is no longer as important to me as before?
That getting sick and feeling pain is a way for me to know I live?
Have I ever told you how horrible I feel day after day?
That each hour passing by decreases people's love for me and I don't want that especially if your love for me as well decreases.
That each time I do not fulfill your request you'll love me less and less.
Angering you does nothing to help and so I am not to speak lest I disappear for long from this earth.

I don''t want to tell you. You might just laugh me off and okay I get embarrassed. I don't want to say anything
#love   #friends   #please   #no   #12   #rants  
One and Only
One and Only
Sep 4, 2016

Why is it sometimes relieving when I think of how I die?
My imagination places me in everyday situations and just dropping down dead. Then people would stop and stare or maybe just pass by?
Would people other than my family be affected?
Would my so-called friends even realize what hurt they'd put me through?
Would you even care?
Would you ever realize that sometimes you step on me and I allow you to because I'm scared?
Everyone is scary.
They all can break me apart
I want to die and just go away to a better place
I want a new life..
I want some of you in it but that will ever happen will it?

People would blame these rants on my period but NO okay? It doesn't mean that I'm on my period I change into some lying monster that just blurts out every whine she can. I wish people would understand sometimes.
#love   #hurt   #people   #emotions   #scary   #rants  
Odonko-ba
Odonko-ba
Aug 5, 2016

Wars
Pillage
Disease  
Religion
Money  
God      
Soul
Attrition
Governments
Environment
Man
Condemn
Hope
Space
Future
Question
Abortion
Children
Hunger
Apathy
Mortgage
Empathy
Judaism
Catholicism
Islam
Baptist
Banks
Greed
Gluttony
Foreclosure
Black
White
Division
Impasse
Blind
Death
Legions
Secret
Collaborate
Destruction
Abscond
Nigger
Fag
Honkey
Jew
Fat
Skinny
Tall
Short
Ignorance
Intolerance
Hope
Hate
Love
Death
Poverty
Wealth
Displacement
Abstract
Reality
Agony
Distrust
Temperament
Conglomerate
Drugs
Pharmaceutics
Capitalist
Socialist
Fascist
Conformity
World
Domination
Society
Downfall
Atrophy
Silent
Protest
Propagate
Murder
Life
Precious
Dream
Regress
Degenerate
Exfoliate
Human
Substance
Into
Nothing
Hell
On
Earth
Freedom  
A
Fucking
Mockery

#poetry   #freedom   #life   #society   #humanity   #poems   #rants   #myvoice  
Nameless Wonder
Nameless Wonder
Feb 2, 2016

Hey Brain,
Hi,
Umm,  would you mind switching off or something - not like dying, but take a break, you're overworking yourself with all this thinking.

You're the boss on top of the nervous system, so you should know that my body's aching,
So,
Do you mind,
Umm shutting the fuck up?!

I don't know when I'll stop thinking,
I don't like thinking... About these things,  they drive me nuts...
Nameless Wonder
Nameless Wonder
Feb 1, 2016

Oh Mr Sandman
Where the fuck are you?!
You little piece of shit!

I mean you ain't no fucking Santa.
There is no naughty or nice list.
You put your magical sand on little children's eyes -
All of them!

So why the fuck are my eyes still open?
You useless piece of pathetic fairytale crap!

Lol xD
Sorry for swearing :v (not really, I ain't fucking sorry :/ )
#lol   #insomnia   #sandman   #nameless   #rants  
Nameless Wonder
Nameless Wonder
Feb 1, 2016

Sleep, bless me with your presence.

Cover my eyes with some pixie dust,
Grant me the pleasure of a blissful dream.

Sleep, bless me with your presence.

It's alright if you won't come now,
Take your time,  leave me last on the list -
I'll be patient,  just make my heart rate slow down,my muscles to relax and my snore to disturb my dad.

Sleep, bless me with your presence.

It would be unfair of you to waste my time,
I mean I've been lying here for hours -
And I'm pretty sure that's the sun out there,
Slowly rising : declaring that you've abandoned me.

Sleep, bless me with your presence.

I'm too young to be an insomniac -
I'm too young!
I need sleep,
All the growing happens when I sleep.
Sleep can you pretty, pretty please bless with your presence?
Even if it's just for the last few minutes I have before my dad shakes my shoulders.

I'm starting a new thing, if I never get sleep, but erm, I think it's gotten better - maybe I just didn't like the hospital atmosphere :v
 
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