i hate the cold
when you're not there for me to hold

i hate the wind
unless its willing your ship back in

i hate the snow
the chill reminding me of past memories
for which i'm far too old

i hate the sun
the way it blinds me
the way it hides behind the clouds like a child

i hate the spring breeze
how it carries those leaves
how lighthearted it seems
i can hear it laughing at me

i hate the sleet and the hail
they remind me of how
i can never make up my mind
or decide who it is i want to be
whenever i step outside

i hate the moon at night
who simply borrows its light
just like i borrow your time

oh, but i love the rain
more than anything
i love the rain
the way it sings sweet songs to me
the echo of the thunder
the pause between the lightning
like waiting for that one last kiss
the way the streets look
how the pavement seems to radiate
i love the feeling i get
falling along with the rain
pouring myself out
feeling myself circle around the drain
i love the way it weighs down my hair
leaves my clothes heavy and wet
being reminded of how little i am
how little i mean
how i am but one drop
in torrents of rain
flowing into that great ocean
from which we all came

so you can have all your seasons
you can have hail, sleet and snow
you can bask in the sunlight
or hide, with your head in the clouds
breath in the cool breezes
or the cold wind that blows
take shelter from those cold nights
dance under the moonlight that glows
but whatever you do
i ask one simple favor from you

leave me the rain

please leave me the rain.

that's what you are
a spirit
haunting every square inch
of this aching body
every breath i release
is stolen by you
every word whispered
you hear
you don't leave my mind
won't leave my brain
seeping through my skin
staining my sheets
why can't i breathe
when it's your face i see

i guess the real question is
why do i love you so
when i know
oh god do i know
that you'll never love me back

i know
as each moment passes
that i move farther and farther
outside your mind
when i am stuck
with the image of those eyes
the taste of those lips
the feeling of your hands
rough
but so gentle

you're the storm with no warning
you're a red sky in the morning

but i'm that one dumb sailor
jumping straight in the ocean
i tore my ropes off
to listen to the sirens' sound

i'd gladly tear my heart
to make the room for you to stay
but i know
you wouldn't

you'd look on
with pity and regret
wondering how you let me get so close
how silly must i be
to think someone like you
would ever love
someone like me

i love you the way it hurts
the way it cuts me
further than a knife
i watch the blood
blackened with lust
seeping with envy
all the vices
poison in my veins
i feel you coursing through them
like a drug
going straight to my brain
like the bourbon we once drank
that late night in the city
street lights blinking
and you called me pretty
and part of me died right then and there
knowing that you’d never be mine
mine
that’s all i want
i need it more than i need the air
that i’ve been struggling to breathe
i need to tell you those three words
instead you watch as they strangle me
if only you knew
do you know?
am i fool for assuming your ignorance?
are you blind to my bleeding heart
has my blood not stained the earth enough?
nor your sheets that we lay in?
have my lips not whispered a thousand little things
words phrased perfectly to say
everything but i love you
but god how i love you
how i ache to feel it from you
but i’ll keep on giving
my body and my soul
hoping that one day
i’ll reap what i sow

- - - - - - - - - - -

how can you not see this?
isn’t it cruel to watch me do this
to torture myself so
to beg for love and affection
yes i know i get your attention
but love that’s a burden isn’t love
asking for your time isn’t love
i need no conditions
no terms of agreement
i want crazy endless love
i want to be blinded in imperfection
i want you
all of you
i’d give a hundred years
to spend one more night beside you
i’d breathe my last breath
dying to hear you call me
that sacred name
that beautiful perfect name
i’d give anything
just say that i’m yours

im in love with the way
your hands
they shake
when you pass the last cigarette

in love with how
it took you so long to come my way

the way you take your time
to find what's right

im in love with the way
you take what's yours
without apologies
or tainted words

the way even the back of your hands
smell like a home i'll never have

the way the entirety of the cosmos
fit themselves so kindly in your eyes

how the joy of summer's first sun-rays
washes over me with your laugh

the way Sundays just aren't so lonely
when i know you're the Monday that comes next

i love the taste of cigarettes
coming from your lips

the lips that open me up like you're giving me new life

i love the way i feel no pain
i love the way you feel like the rain
you cleanse me of my sin
and you help me begin
to see my life as something more precious
i love the way my reflection
isn't quite as disconcerting
when i see you in the mirror too

i love the way my soul starts to leave my body
to be a little closer to you

i love the way that music sounds different

i love the way it feels
to know someone like you is real

and the terror at thinking
that this is not

that this is just a notion
and i'm just here
like drift wood floating in the ocean

i love the way you can't be fixed
to anyone's idea of what this is

i love the way your voice feels
like a summer's sweet breeze
drifting through the doorway

i hate the way i miss you
because you're not mine to miss

i hate the way i kiss you
knowing i can't own this sweet bliss

i hate the way i feel you
in every guitar string i pick

the way i smell you here
even when you're somewhere else

the way you stay in my mind
like memories stained stronger
than spilt red wine

i love the way my vision has changed
everything looks different with you

minutes become seconds and years become days
i love the way you keep me
in a sublime haze

and god how it stuns me
that somehow
someway
it took you so long to learn to love yourself

you look like an island
like shelter from a storm

i love the way
all i need is your gaze
to make me feel warm

and the way you still walk me home
even though it's not home to me

i hate the way i can't have you
never should and never could
and i know i don't need more
and i don't deserve more

i know it would all fall apart
and i know it's a waste of time
trying to turn water to wine

i know i don't want to make this real
i know already know how this ends
but i wish there was a way
to bottle you up
to save for the day
when this is all just pictures in my brain
playing like an old movie
soundtrack i can't get out of my head
subtitles in a language i no longer speak

negatives held up to the sun
blurry and incoherent
like my thoughts when you're around

but beautiful pictures
like people
find their way to the light
you develop me like a picture portrait
of someone you'll soon say you used to know
and i'm just a fool who is grateful
for having been able to sit in on your show

but i'll stay in the back
and i'll leave before the credits start to roll
so when the curtains close
i won't have to watch you go

you can feel every pound
every inch of fat
every pore
each out of place hair
yet you cannot feel the love shared or the depth of the ocean as you sink
stop to see the beauty of it
come up
breathe

remember the time
we, together, cried
it was winter
as i recall
i remember the chill
still feel the cold
it remains
along with the frigid tears
frozen in time
our hands
numb
if only the pain could mimic
the snow came down
like the falling sound
of our footsteps
on the icy ground
running
together
we shared one pair of gloves
we shared
a pair of souls

i was made for the rain
i was created with the intention to sing in thunderstorms
to smile drenched in heavens tears
to stand with hair dripping
sopping wet
soaking the plush carpeted floor of your ninth floor apartment
which was new to you
as was my sudden lack of sarcasm
and my quick breaths
shaky hands
quivering lips
worn out eyes
my tears that did all but dry
you wept
at the sight of me
i was always an ugly crier
you hugged me
a small gasp escaped my mouth
you whispered comfort into my ears
the pain of all the yesterdays left me
if only for a moment

save the wrappers
of discarded loves
dreams departed
long gone hopes
collect them all
brush them together with a sweep of your hand
pick them up off of the filthy tiled floor
of your lonely one-bedroom apartment
and take the last train
sit in the last car
in the last seat
alone
in a city filled with people
and step out
and climb up into the maze of streets and lights and sounds
in the middle of the morning night
wake to the chilling air
and breathe
and breathe

let me dream of your heart beat
let me listen to its unreal pounding against your ribs
let me hear your voice
let me feel your words
as they flutter throughout my mind like butterflies lost in a dark forest
allow me to breathe your name into the blank nothingness of the continuum between hopelessness and faith

i think i shall never see
again the day of only sun
i think the ocean in which i stand
to help wash away the fears
will continue to erode till there's barely even sand
and the mountain i climbed
each year will shrink
till the view is no greater than out the window
of the skyscraper
the birds will choke
on the politicians smoke
from the cigarette he stole
and all the lies we sold
will pile up on top of one another
and the world will soon lie still
and the noise will soon fade out
and the silence will ring
as we start again

dear mind,
you are attempting indifference,
i try to be too
i am independent
however
without a prop i would surely fall
perhaps this is my lack of confidence
though none of us seem to have any
so that couldn't be it
maybe its my humanity speaking
please excuse my indecency.
i do not mean to be honest but this game of make-believe should have ended long ago
you make me cringe
though, you are my confidant.
we need to help the others
i know you see it too
please stop pressing so hard its turning me blue
and these mind puzzles you play with me are missing some pieces
there are so many screaming souls to save
you and i are lucky
smile more
even though i hate this mouth.
tomorrow we'll wake together
early
we'll try to work our way up the cliff
and throw ropes for the stragglers.
ill leave you now
i know you have tears to dry and words to cross out
write back soon, you are so often gone.
- heart