And I am tortured by regret,
things I've not done yet.
Thinking this defines me.

And I cannot deny
that I'm terrified
of fading to black.

I used to cherish every doubt--
now unsure in what I've found:
my instability was transparent
and now it's apparent...

And I now keep the lights on,
lay in a cold bath until warm.
My lips, so purple and svelte,
have sealed all I have felt.

And I stay a static transplant,
a homely nomadic infant,
stumbling towards the abyss,
thinking it's what I've missed.

I used to utilize the past,
stretching time, but at last,
the only fire I've consumed
will soon fade to black...

.

You could...

Let the universe decide...
If it has space for you.

Let life decide...
If it has a future for you.

Let God decide...
If He has amnesty for you.

Or you could...

Let yourself decide...
To fight for a place
where there's always a tomorrow,
blessed with opportunities
to seek forgiveness.

.

A collapsed lung.....
wires and cotton thread sheets
caress naked flesh....
Hands fragile and frail
blood trickles down the lip...
a half eaten fruit cup sits by the bedside,
and a malnourished body slowly rots....


2.
Flowing black hair swaying in the open breeze
tall and slender, body engulfed in a sea of red silk.....
Eyes beaming turquoise and sapphire
face, smooth to the touch
hands, nimble and delicate....


3.

A lump on the breast
shivers, chills, and shakes
yellow phlegm, projected from the throat....
Sedation..... prescription pills, and fatigue
a touch of pneumonia.....


4.

Air, slithering into a closing throat
flickering eyes, parched lips,
and a dry tongue...
frigid steel, pressing against tender flesh
stitches and staples,
breast and body.... separated...


5.

***** on the sheets, blood on the pillow
brain, comatose and body, numb
silence......
spirit and body.... separated....

The most awkward five minutes of my life.

I wrote you a poem and all you said was “I love you!”
and I need a whole lot more than that  

Did you know Marilyn Monroe was borderline too
and what did that leave her besides a suicidal mess I do not look up to?
But I guess she did **** JFK so there's that

Today is valentines day and I didn’t say anthing to you about it
because I know you hate February 14
because 2 years ago you had that major surgery

You didn’t talk to me until 4:20 today
and that was only to laugh about the timing
and it's really hard for me to not tell you that I wanted to **** myself today but instead I wrote 5 poems and drank too much coffee

and **** I would really **** for a cigarette right now that
I have to use my charm to get
because im only 17 but somehow
I always “forget” my ID and wear a low cut shirt
and flirt openly with the 40 year old indian guy across the counter
just so I can get my illegal nicotine

I wonder what my mother would say about that