you watched me
you knew my habits
you knew my fears
and now you're gone
not a phone call in nine months
only saw your face barely passing by
you're gone

but you're here more than ever
in the late summer nights
last  one awake
i remember
you're by the television
you're fading each night more and more

i should have known you wouldn't last
i just never thought
at the highest peak
taking
and
pushing
us
down
would be your escape

Simple things
laughing, smiling, hugging
captured her focus
so sharp
so ready
she didn’t miss a thing

but silence
the weight to her shoulders
the fog to her vision
ripped her thoughts to shreds

scattered all over
she realized
what really was missing
what she really needed was
*him

7 years

2,442 days ago
I held your hand
I watched the rise of your chest
and, God, it was so hard to see

I couldn't comprehend
how that light in your eyes
and the softness of your touch
was disappearing- like it was all just a dream

Maybe if I was stronger, or if I was
more outgoing, I would have called out your name,
in those minutes,
I would have told you how
I couldn't lose you

but, I hesitate,
I keep words to myself

the silence was the easiest part,
for a millisecond
we could believe,
this was all pretend

but, fact was
you were traveling to the light,
and they told me I could leave,
but, I needed to see you go

today,
I still see us gathered around you,
and I ache,
for everything I should've said

I plead for just a second more,
to meet your eyes,
just to smile,
& let you know,
I love you
oh so so much.

It's always been the way you look at things
determines how things are
so why do you expect things to stay the same when
you've changed the direction you're looking?

look at me now
what you see- that's how you'll identify me
look at me upside down
I'm never going to be the same

.... it's logic he tells me,
and I think he could not be more right.

You called me a flower, beautiful to the eyes of the artist

Years later
When I received no call
I let
your touch have no sound
for as hard as I tried to forget
meaningless hours
always spent remembering

when you finally show
no
you wont get a smile
nor a laugh
not even a goodbye
muttered through these tear stained lips

not even a silent wish for peace
growing like vines
impatient
scattering my mind

no
not at all
you're the darkness
numb feeling
left after a storm
that ruined natures greatest gift
the timid flower
you once declared a master art

everything hurts
not when you're alone
but
when your soul
won't allow you to have company

you lie in the hospital bed
antiseptics and hospital food waver in the air
as if, asking for permission to linger

and you see her tense, knowing she wants to scream
because how ironic it is-
you can barely speak

every few minutes the bed beneath you shakes
the only bit of movement your body sees

the ticking of the clock
is a constant reminder
you're never going to escape

soon she must go,
you find the darkness behind your eyelids
is easier to bare
when your so alone

later in time
you think of her
and then you think of mini her

once again you have no control
a tear slides down your cheek,
you're never going to watch her grow

your little daughter,
is going to live without a father
because cancer,
took away your life

and with no strength
how could you ever grasp
meaning in your last few days

I know you're out there
and I know you want revenge

the music is blaring
but I hear you, trying to break in

it's late an I'm all alone
yet what scares me the most, is seeing you
with bloodshot eyes
wanting me dead

I'm afraid, that's true,
not afraid of death
or being trapped with you

I fear of your hands, touching me
and memories swirling
reminding me- I used to believe in *you

I've spent so much time looking
in the mirror
waiting
to see you in a part of me
but disappointment is glass
& one day I'll have the strength to break it