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i've always known
i am not from this earth
a small starseed reincarnate
embodying my sparkling ancestors
made of stardust
glitter pours out of me when i speak
the milky way lays itself out in front me
like a red carpet
begging me to cross it
it's quite lonely here
inside this human body
why doesn't anybody here
love like they did
in the stars?

take me back home.
rows of two!-three!-four!-boys-bloc-king-the-cor-rid-or
will soon be gone
and the RHYTH-mic-tick-tock-of-my-leg-BOUN-cing-on-the-floor
will be no more
it's fresh cadavers wrapped in string
it is a joyful gospel hymn
mourning the best and worst of youth
(those shiny kids who'd first walked in
with all the grace and all the poise
of hatched arachnids missing limbs)

but what of "her" – you know her name –
that overfed, reptilian thing
who shed her hair and scratched her skin,
cursing the odds at Him upstairs, demanding He re-shape her?

some say she cried herself into extinction
– sailed away on a crimson tide –
balking at the trauma of being seen
(enforced, cursed vulnerability
in being known to man).

the rest knew better;
they were voyeurs in this
fruit-carving tutorial
on 'how to grow up':

STEP 1) consider all other alternatives
2) take the scalpel and initiative
3) before adrenaline gives way to doubt,
turn the flesh-vessel inside out in a cocoon of your own creation!
while organs may rupture and it aches like you've skinned yourself alive (good for her, setting herself free!) you'll look cuter in the class photos and has you-know-who... finally... shifted the weight?
4) breathe through the blood loss and searing pain
5) notice
           you
                can
                     breathe again.
                     at this point, does it matter that it aches?
tribute to the worst years of my life so far. may it only get better from here.
I'm lost in a sea of emotions,
Lost in life itself.
I've lost my way in the woods,
With twists and turns in the path.
I don't know where I should turn,
Or if I even should.
If I should lie about things I did,
Or come clean.
I'm lost in my thoughts
And my imagination
I'm lost in the hatred and anger of the world,
Lost in tears of life
And sorrows of death.
I'm lost in my own head.
Like an old box, by a lamppost,
Soaked in the morning rain,
Like a tin can, discarded and misplaced,
Singing out its pain,
Like a newspaper, caught in a breeze,
That flutters from place to place,
Till it's caught in a tree,
Trapped within the branches,
With no means of escape.

Like a road, that leads nowhere,
And has nowhere to go,
Like a dried up stream, of yesteryear,
That will never again flow,
Like the weeds, that choke the soil,
Stealing away natures beauty,
Like the rusty broken leaves,
That fall from the dead tree,
When the cycle has no need to begin again,

Cause when the day is over,
The day is done,
And it is time to turn out the light.
To close the curtains,
Shut out the world,
And free yourself from the fight.
To leave the room,
Close the door,
And lie with the fallen.
Cause when the story ends,
The story is finished,
And the writer puts down the pen.
It's hard to say or pin the exact day
the little boy left & sunny eyes gave way
to thunderstorms and raging red mist
a desire now to hurt the one you kissed
and turned to for laughs love support
now eaten up by bitter anger all fraught

with historical pain memories from deep
come hurtling through the rage does seep
I see it I feel it I know it's ****** source
and how it's throwing your life off course
but helpless to throw you needed lifeline
as you storm and spit threatening mine

I can't live that way again not even for you
to watch you drowning is to see me blue
my hands tied bound by too many times
the fists did fall broken bones black eyes
the trigger pulls and I'm hurtling back now

so no matter no amounts of why's or how's
can pull me up to the surface for sweet air
once pulled that trigger imprisons me there
sees me stuck frozen in cold sweat panic
realisation hits home hard like the Titanic
even for you I nurtured from seed to boy
no quarter to give you now stealing my joy

if I could I would save you take the red mist
wash all your fears & forked tongue hissed
bathe you in love to carry you to be light
not set in the dark primed for any fight

so I have to let you go and do it with love
hoping praying you are able to kick above
the storming seas deep eddys pushed down
to find your sunnier day happier grounds
I'm sorry my boy but I cannot go back there
to spend all my days in uncertain cold fear

J.C. 11/05/2019.
tell me, gatsby—I know thee well—
what fate of ours do the stars foretell?
fantasy and reality—wherein do we lie,
thus deceived by passion’s sigh?

oh—but you’ve told me before,
what the world has in store
for those like us who live content
with fancied ideals set in cement

that cursed or blessèd day
when you faded far away
falling further in a pool
while i sat here on a stool

alone and by myself
sequestered on a shelf
stored for someone else to see
my wretched tale of misery
dark night is the bed
to which i come
mostly late,

strip my soul,
lay it down
covered in
memories of
black and white

nostalgia dressed
in a tear-soaked mess
wetting my pillow case

i’m falling down,
asleep;

dark night
is the bed
in which you
no longer wait
for me to come
mostly late.
soon
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