smoking cigarettes because of you
I was so nervous I could hardly move
I can't help when you're in a room I have to look at you
not know how to do this thing that you do usually do
how my supposed to do
you act like I'm nonexistent I
can't believe you're like you're like I'm gone like
I'm not even there it's really gifted

usually I don't think of you when I'm off and lifted
***** we have the same friends and you know it's hidden

guess you walked off and pretend like we didnt

I just didn't want to be alone
I sent you message after message
called

please I just do not want to be alone
the demons are strong now
I won't hurt myself

but they are yelling
my body hurts from the inside out

and my chest feels it is caving
I am having a panic attack again
please I just told you I didn't want to be alone

answer your phone

you are literally haunting me tonight
this is a strange dream
and I don't know if it is the alcohol

you are also there
why are you in my dreams?
I have not felt you in a long time

there are these others that give me butterflies

i go to high school
the love of my life and I are together
he is here too

flashback
we are crying
flashback
I am on his lap and he is singing in my ear
flashback
he grabs my wrist too hard this time
flash back
I wake up with a smile hearing him in the shower
flashback
my mouth is awoken with kissing and tickles
flashback
he is crying and I don't know why
GOD PLEASE I'LL BELIVE FOR HIM
he cannot stop
sit down babe sit down
his eyes are so red
like blood

I don't want to cry
I need to be strong like always
I am a Stamm
I am STRONG

he is falling around
God help me please
what is happening to his brain

flash forward
the next morning

you didn't talk about it
you didn't want to
just Xanax

I have this dream
where you won't stop crying
and you won't tell me why
I am just trying to be ******* strong ******* it!! I LOVE YOU!! LOOK AT ME!! SHOULD I CALL AN AMBULANCE?! PLEASE BABE I AM SO SCAred.
Please
babe. Look at me why are you crying.
'whispers'
       please babe just tell me why are you crying
please it's ok it's ok please it's ok it's ok


my tears fall down the dark nape of your neck and your large head is cradled in my arms
I sat on his lap
but I cradled his 200lb body with the 150lbs I had
he shook and it used to wake me up at night
he would get the shivers
and I was so afraid he would "be like a cup, spilling over with just a touch"
I found out that day that love can really hurt
I found out that day I was in love...


flash forward
I've been taking benzos the past week
it amazes me how I feel so much relief
when even a piece of anxiety
flutters
like a moth off my neck

then they wear off
and I hate my true feeling

who knows how many I've taken
blacking out is my trend again

i am going to go to sleep now
please stay away

I only cry about you once a week now!!!
Once a week Justice!!
If you could read this I think you would be proud of me.
I hope one day when we are older we can talk like we weren't lovers.

I am sorry I touched your face Justice.
That was very immature.
I guess the best thing to say, is when someone is passionate.... When someone truly would put their life on the line for a person, in this case two people... And they do something that would normally hurt her....

I wanted to **** myself.... ok?
I thought I mattered to only two people
and it turned out I didn't.
I have never been so broken in my entire life.

Not as broken all of the neglect and mental abuse from an alcoholic father,
from being kicked out of my own house at 18,
having a mother who called me fat since I was 11,
not from having a boyfriend who hit me when I was 15,
worse than hiding my cut marks with silly bands in middle school ,
no you know I was broken by something else.

The love of my life and the best friend of my life going behind my back and being together.

My "future husband" hah
and my maid of "honor".      ****

But I fought through everything
through the cutting
the binge drinking
******* to feel something ANYTHING
requesting rough ***
starving myself
going through a car accident
I made it back.


Without the help of you two.

Now I work with kids 4 days a week, I am Ms.Shauna Mon - Wednesday for 2,3,4, and 5th graders, and on Thursday's I am Coach Stamm. I empower young girls to love who they are and to be healthy and to stomp any bad feeling about themselves with every stride in every cross country run.

So


Please leave me alone.
Figure all of your ****** **** up now
I'll do the same to you.
please please for my mental state

what hurts more?
knowing that you lost two best friends

or that the war between you all is never ending...

what hurts more?
the feeling of being alone

or the fact that you have been alone for so long you have become used to it...

I used to have suidical thoughts
DAILY

Can you imagine?
Waking up,
and wishing you hadn't.

Does no one feel like I do?
Am I a person filled with more emotions than others,
is this some disease?

Is this why I suffer from heart palpatations when I get anxiety?

will my anxiety **** me one day?

I am not sure.

I have felt great pain in my chest before,
and I have been to the emergency room,
because I was too afraid of my own hands,
and my wrists felt weak.

They used to yell at me to slice them..
I thought I deserved to die.
I wished I had died when I was hit by a drunk driver for a long time.

She took my car, I lost my job,
when I just wished it could have taken my life.

It isn't so dark now,
I wake up in the morning smiling.

If it wasn't for my friends I know I wouldn't be alive today.

They may never know how much they mean to me,
but they are my heart,
and the only reason I still try to love every day.

I can't live for me,
I couldn't live for him,
so I live for them.

Every day I get a step closer to who I want to be,
and it's all thanks to my friends.

I love you all so so much,
thank you.

I
Must say
You're best
At how you beat me
With the very bit of mine imagination


For
A second
You make me
Want to think,I'm the greatest amongst your enemies
Yet
When I
Grasp you in mine arms
And proximate you on me
Shall you quiver yet not so long
And shall gasp to kiss on my lips


Truthfully
Now and then
Shall your sighs puzzle me
And for every bit voiced
Cram how you had want to gulp me
whole inside of you
And even how you can't live without me

Yet
I'm cloack
With remorse
For I feel I make you a bully of my love
And
Each now and then
Will  I listen to the words
You say and purge their fairness
To the very syllable

I
Had
Believed you whole
And mine eyes shall flood with tears forever
When I heard you say
He always make you ebb through
The beautiful blues skies and make you want
To catch the golden sunset
When you two make love
I
Had
Even believed
You thoroughly
And had sink into wild waters
Or probably drown into the deepest part
Of the abyss
And rest myself there
For an eternal self-torture
When
I heard you say
His touches make your heart beats faster
Than the rhythms of love played by a ghost
On a magic lyre

But
Then
Every word you uttered
Was a false figurine in your eyes
And
Again
By and by shall I peek the verity
They cloack your soul with
Like what they say
"The window to every soul is the eyes"

But
I may
Had Believe the very words
Your  tongue chimed
Yet then
I trust wholly in the verity your eyes spoke

The verity your eyes speak

©Historian E.Lexano

No Goodbyes

Tonight
The pores
Of this bed
Shall unleash
Streams of sighs
Like one of the stricken storms
Of the summer
And
The very
Of a cold
Shall twice
Smoother its naked whole

Even
On the
Most part
Where we kindled our impiety
Or
The centre
Where we rowed and cloven
On to each other
And inflamed ourselves with delirium
Will not be left alone either

Sleep
Shall be
Belch on the outskirts
Of the ceilings
By the rains of my tears
And in their moist warmth
Shall I seek solace for your absence

Alas!
That which I hate
Had come again
To take the honour that dignifies me

Verily
Many parts
Of my bones are broken
And crushed into many piece
Yet
All for a reason,You

But
Then
Even as I
Watch you leave
I shall still hold on to the ticks of time
Till you retrace your steps back
For I know this no Goodbye

No Goodbyes

©Historian E.Lexano

you made a mockery of the only thing I had

you took the essence of me and laughed at it

I didn't want to be this way
I try very hard to be strong

I think to myself how I am crazy
I didn't ask to be born with a messed up mind

I live on a roller coaster in my head
and sometimes it breaks and can't go back up

I am sorry I am this way

I don't know how to be okay again and I hurt so much my brain flirts with the concept of suicide

I could never hurt my family and friends in such a way
but my heart is terrified of my chemically imbalanced brain

I am trying my best

you are my suicide note
my last dying wish
and my last will
of hope