it's rather terrifying
   how i can be ok one minute

then write a poem about you
  and want to pull the shard of mirror
     up my arm
       deep in my flesh
         and hope that the next life we may run into each other again

don't you ******* get it?!
we could have done it
we were so close

so in love

you ******* left me
YOU ******* LEFT

yet you were there all along

we could try it all again
but there is no ******* way

because the thought of touching you
reminds me of so much saddness

that i would ******* **** myself
if i ever felt that way again

we almost ******* made it
almost ******* made it

the most heartbreaking thing of all is that I watched myself fall apart

I looked in the mirror and slowly didn't recognize this sad girl
and I couldn't find myself
the monsters in my head kidnapped me
I wanted you to save me
so bad

but I felt you forgetting me
forgetting us
so I stayed kidnapped
and slept

you got mad
because I needed to get out of bed
but when I say "I can't" why don't you understand the cry for help

even though the pain is in my head
doesn't mean it isn't real to me

so when I see you smiling and singing
when I always wanted you to sing to me

but by the time I would wake up from the late night of fighting demons
you had already left
your body remained
so you thought with it

I felt like a *****
my boyfriend had his fingers in me and around my neck
while I held my head in my hands pleading for the bad thoughts to go away
you would hit your head too if it felt like it was poisoning your life

you made me feel like I was crazy
and I think I might be

that's what I'm so afraid of
because the monsters that kidnapped me

were me

I was so sad
I was so
*******
sad

and all I needed was you there
well you were there

but not really

you say you forgive me
but how am i supposed to forgive you

I feel like little people in my heart
are cutting it apart
tying ropes to my heart strings and pulling as a team

because I was so ******* sad
I just needed you there
I couldn't get out of bed
and you got frusterated
blamed my ******* meds
called my mom

when I JUST NEEDED YOU
I JUST ******* NEEDED YOU
AND NOW YOU'RE THERE
FOR EVERYONE ELSE
AND YOURSELF

and not for me
not for me

why couldn't you have been there for me

I was so sad for so long

and now you're alive


and I am dead

and I'm not
going to
say it
to you,
so I'll just
say it
here instead

I'm still recognizing
your lies
three months later,
and it hurts
it really hurts.

How many more times
Will I watch a guy **** two girls
Before I kiss one I love?