My subconscious hangs in the atmosphere
Betting, pondering
If in time you will shed your layers
If your gentleness will slip
Like a mask
This would not be the first time
I perceive chaos for calmness
I prayed for it
Perhaps I should have begged
Whispered my barters to God
Leaned into his ears and pleaded
My pride will not be my downfall again
I am not too wise
I have played the fool before
I know the role well
I wrote it

I'll be your mirror
You my glass
Tossed in the shallows
Watching ships pass

The pictures on the wall
Remind me of the past
I need only one look one last glance

A second name
A second life
A second chance

Would you of spilled your secrets the same,
If it had been blood from your own body?
I would answer wisely
I have done both and yet somehow the scars are the same

I am not afraid to close my eyes
It's just that
I'm scared when I do open them again
Maybe I will see something different
Something looking back at me

I felt you in my words, once
And so that is why I continue to write

lay down and sleep
sit down and weep
stand up and cry
walk away and die

this was the world's suggestion, they recommended this, they said if you do this you will find you bliss, but I thought there must be more, so I picked another door and this was the reply to my firm knock

ask and it shall be given
knock and it will be opened
seek and you will find

and so asked for love, not from this earth, and it was given unto me, and as I knocked the door opened and it let me in, and as I seek for tomorrow I know I will find, because this voice I trust is more than just a feeling from inside

The troubles you said
Were below sea level
Are eye level for me

Take my breaths
Like the last arrow in the quiver
Look to the moon
All she is, a sliver
These tears you cry
Swelling up like a river
Cold anger in your face
Like a hollow shiver
The chasm is wide
I dare you to bridge her
Walk another man's shoes
Life isn't lived here

Starve
To extinction
Anything that feeds
From your peace

I wonder who taught me loving
I knew it before I knew your name
Now I cannot whisper it without
I hate loneliness
I love to be alone
Here I sit, and think of you
Ask me, if you know me
And I will do the same
Lay my hand, on your chest
Feel your heart beating
Through cotton skin
Your mysteries are new
To my ancient hands

I don't want to make things
If they're just going to fall apart
I don't want to love things
If they're just going to break my heart
Is this how God saw the world
At the beginning of created time
Making moving plates in the earth
Just so we would cross the line

I wish I knew what to say
But my heart gets in the way
A sensitive un-human soul
But being nice isn't my goal
Just a realistic sentimental sort
I don't play hearts like a sport
If I say I love you it is not lie
I just don't want to say it so close to goodbye
Never know which way to turn
But always knowing which finger to burn
Never understanding pain
But watching you walk away drives me insane
I can be called a sappy ****
But you know you love my ****
Not just my body but my mind
Is what keeps you entwined
If you could see my soul
You would never let me go
Cuz the stars in your eyes are mirrored in mine
And the truth in your lies are a happy demise
Just a phone call away from a happy time
Take a number and get in line

When sad
I bathe
In rays
Of warmth
Pouring through
The window

Here
But lonely

Is that allowed?

I used to hold
The sun in my hand
The day you left
I listened to Frank Sinatra
Trying to lull myself to sleep
I wonder
If the weight
Of the diamond
In your pocket
Holds you down
I pour my tears
Into a singing bowl
An unexpected sore throat
Crying hoarse tears
Over miles of separation
I hate silence
I miss being
Quiet with you
I miss being
With you
I am full of shame
In the same dark in which
You used to fill
Me with love
My dreams don't chase you
I wake up breathless
With no one to catch me
Screaming inside of my head
PLEASE
Please don't let me go
Time is slower now
I don't like myself anymore
You asked me
To visit you
In your dreams tonight
How could I refuse
Steps towards you
The easiest I have ever taken
The softest hello
Ever tasted on my lips
The last thing I taste
Your sweet kiss
My arms don't defy gravity
As well as yours do
I try to mimic
The way they weighed on me
It's never the same
I wait patiently
For the smell of comfort to return
Dripping life from your lips

Sleep when we're dead
I'll be tired then too
Lover come over
Lover I lost you

I am just alot right now
Yet never am I you
For what I lack without
I can do without too

Waiting for dawn to break the sky
Waiting for truth to fight the lie

Kissing someone you love goodbye

Pain and longing to see that face
To find where you belong a special place

You may be alone
But you are the one that chose to leave me

I want you back but if you'd ask I'd say no
I had to learn to let you go

Its not easy saying goodbye
But better than believing your lie

I don't think your love is worth a second try
I'd rather be alone and die

It was the first of September
A day to remember
The school yard is broken in
Nails on a chalk board scrape

***** running feet
Slowly answered questions
Marking grades
Cheating mistakes

It was the last of the first
Ready to quench the thirst
Maybe I will learn
Maybe I wont

But I'll walk the path
And drag my feet

Ready or not here I come

Stop settling for what is better
   And shoot for what is **best

You are
The pale pink thoughts
In my dark purple mind
I am not accustomed to the light

Somehow
It feel wrong
To even write about you

I'm sorry for that too
For everything

For judging you
For not listening
For breaking you
Over and over

I have been
So unbelievably blind

I guess this is what happens
When the blind lead the broken

I remember once
I told you
I would not have known
Love or healing
If it was not for you
And now it seems
I will give up both
For an eternal ache
I can't say I don't deserve it

You were always better than me
Kinder
More honest
It seems this will continue
You're better without me
Wether or not I like it
You're better without me

If my heart were lighter then my wings wouldn't have to work so heard
My broken arms are bent in exhausted unnatural formations
The lines on my face are deep etched scars
And the heaviness in my steps leave a sodden trail
The tears from my eyes are heavy drops of lead
My shoulders slumped in defeat of this life
A tired neck arched to a delicate broken brow
An accursed face with no joy only sorrow
Just another moonbeam waiting for tomorrow

The shadows are the same size
Your eyes have just become more adept

if i uttered my soul unto you
would you cherish it as a star come to earth
or place it in your pocket
to save me for when you  'need'  me
for when you  'want'  me
you make it seem as though i am 'special'
but i think you are just a tepid
                                                  shadow
walking in hot water carrying a cold soul
one you had sold for a price
for a
            talent
                             and a spine
for the ability to collect any that you wish
but still you do not want me as i am

I wanted to tell you
Of how I almost died
At the hand of another

But I guess that doesn't hold weight now

The ink bleeds out of my hands
Before I can get to the paper
The floor spells out my sins
Before I my mouth knows the words

It was as if you were my broken heart
How did you know to be everything that I felt
Yet what am I with you
That I am not without
We mourn in our hearts for the earth when she loses a beautiful soul
Still spring comes each year
Only to birth flowers that will fade into the soil
Yet if our pockets are full so quickly do we wipe away our tears
As quickly as the petals face the sun

While you were not in season
It would be a lie born on my lips to say you were not my reasoning
I have buried these things in my stomach with a heavy heart
Why do these fleeting thoughts weigh so much
I am a fool to carry them with me to all the places that I know
Cursing the ground as I walk that they know the way so well

What delusion is this that I would find comfort in that which brings me pain
I bear all things
For what
It brings me no honor to be a wallflower
This is my folly to keep the seat I have for you in my heart warm
This trickle of time will soon be a current and we are swept up in our worries as never before
Oh when things were simple
Between you and I
If only I had lived my life in those days
These regrets are nothing
This shame like a burn from the sun on my face

How I carry on now
With my face to the ground
A wanderers plight
A restless soul
I have exiled myself in my own way
I have no courage to find my way back
The familiarity burns into me
Even as this day dies before my eyes

When tomorrow comes
My feet hit the dirt long after the rising of the sun
I will walk the way I have gone before
Though still I hope one day
It will lead me back to you
I know I am walking in circles
That's just what broken hearts do
With nothing to feed this hope
I walk in circles, trying to find you

We
       s
          p
       i
          r
       a
           l

down
           d
             o
               w
                  n

back to our first beginning

   we were little more than f l i g h t l e s s birds then

so utterly humble
so infamously bleak
so lost in shambles
so unbearably weak

               did you name me then
with paper and ink words

               did you find joy sparking
in the solitude you heard

              are we no longer secrets
              sealed with the stamp of burdens
              we call names
              bringing each other up
              from the depths of ourselves
              that remain unfathomed

              why do you recoil at a certain name

     as if, when you you hear it, you've touched

                             a
                          l    m
      an open  f           e

     as if, when you say it,
     it's the first you've experienced shame

I attempt again
To swallow
The words lining the inside of my throat
It has been there
Since before I knew what letters were
Spiraling down
Into the pit of my stomach
It does not go down easy
It does not settle well
And when it tries to come back up
It sits again
In the back of my throat
Like the taste of a hollow cry

To give you my love
Would make me a fool

To take your love
Would make me a thief

To share out love
Would change the world

I ran my tongue along the scar inside my cheek
Like fingers on melancholy piano keys
Can you play in the dark

I made promises
Gave up swallowing razor blades
There is enough already
That will find it's way to cut me

I wish I could live in the same house
As my brothers and my little sisters
I wish I could sleep under the same roof
As my family does

I wish the same shingles that cover my birth giver
And the same blankets that cover my male parental unit
Covered me

I wish.

But, there are a few things that come between
The intentional emotional detachment
The loving abusive comments
The lying, aggression and confrontation, those definitely factor in

But you know when God closes a door he opens a window
But when you don't have a door to lock and hide behind, God can't close it.

But the creepy old man
Who's touched me
And tried to touch me
The way my mouth taste like metal when I bite my tongue to keep from screaming in fustration
The way my body freezes as his claws dig into my leg
The way my mind breaks down like crumbs of a cookie

That is to much to bear.

I have a question.

?.

When you got your Daddy card did you skip over the fine print? Did you forget your glasses so that you couldn't read? Did you just skim over it to fast so that it didn't register? You know, the part where it says protection?

Provision. You got that down pat. No doubt about it. But I mean 50%? That's not a pass by any grading system.

Daughter.
It slips off the end of my tongue and tries to crawl back in. So many times have I had to retreat within myself because I was not under your wings.

Do I love you? Yes.
Do I trust you? Not with a spoon.
Not with my heart, not with myself.

Does that sadden my soul? Oh Lord does it ever.
I wish it was another way.
I wish I could live in your house.
But a house of hell is not one I can call home.

-Xoxo

You tried to make it about yourself
Saying that I was attacking you
But I didn't even call you names
How could you be so selfish

You tried to make it about me
Saying that I was throwing a hissy fit
But I didn't even victimise myself
How could you be so blind

You tried to make me feel crazy
Saying that it was all in my head
But the proof was in the paper
How could you be such a fool

It was about their safety
Big no matter what I said
You invalidated every word
My entire childhood a lie

Sisters, I could not love them more
My trust in you, could not be so lacking
My heart, broken with your response

It's not about me
And it's not about him
It's not about them
And it's not about you

It's about saying the right thing
And doing the right thing
No matter who you are
No matter what you face

But still you chose
To punish the victim
Not the assailant
******* **** culture

I wish that I could live in my own house
Where my brother's and sisters live
Where my birth giver and male parental unit call home

A few things stand in my way
The emotional disconnection gives a slight separation
The abusive love and controlling tongues play a part
The creepy old man who touches me in ways no one should

That.

Definitely is a big part.
I mean when you got your Father card did you skim over the fine print where is says protection? Did you forget your glasses so you couldn't see that it said, "must go to a loving home"?
I mean these are all technicalities.

But me?
I'm not. I'm your daughter.
It sounds weird the way it rolls off of my tongue. The metallic after taste, like I've just been slapped. Daughter. Something doesn't seem right.

I mean why have a home where you feel loved, supported and valued. When you can live in a place that devalues all that you are, for all that you stand against.

Your sheets hold your secrets
Between cotton and silk they thrive
Trapped in a small expanse
But part of a larger infinity
They know names and bodies
And every curve of your back
The hold you down
And hide you away
Between each gentle layer
You cannot wash them out
Or cover them up to hide
They lay exposed in an unsafe place

I will lift my eyes again to the sky
Hoping for a glimpse of the heavens
On that they would pour open
Washing the earth still toiling in sin
As these nightmares creep into my head
The visions of the night that will not be silenced
Oh these cold dark hands around my neck
They whisper in my ear the secrets of the dead
They know the secrets of the living and those lost in the inbetween
It is a voice of a stranger that begs familiarity
Oh that I was deaf, oh that I was blind
Silence has been my friend when comfort could not be found
Yet I am shackled to those who have gone be for
I will not go out until the tide is high
and the moon is full
I am lost within myself as each new star takes its place in the heavens