If you want love...
             ...you're going to have to
    ...go through the pain...

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­
Your probably wondering why this poem is called J. It's because there aren't any Js

When I say listen
They all think netflix
I don't mean stories.

"I just need some time, I'm tryna think straight
I just need a moment in my own space
Ask me how I'm doin', I'll say "okay, " yeah
But ain't that what we all say?
Sometimes I think back to the old days
In the pointless conversations with the old me
Yeah, back when my momma used to hold me
I wish somebody woulda told me" - NF

I remember getting teased as a kid
'Cause at the place that we lived
We never had it easy, believe me
But that don't excuse the things that we did
Wouldn't accept that I was never accepted
Shed so many tears like I fell in depression
But if I changed, I wouldn't get called names
But it was all the same, I was feeling rejected

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Thursday.  My Indian GP sees me.  Gives advice about my moods.  Nods.  Is sympathetic.  Writes my prescription. Warns me to be alert and careful, if I am weaning myself off the medicine.

Friday. I crack a lame joke with the black girl in the chemist.  Half-asleep, I apologise for mumbling;  mutter something about it being Friday.  Realise it’s the first time I’ve spoken today.  I pay, pick up the tablets, walk off.

It’s a beautiful morning;  cold, azure, crisp; real.  The kind of morning when you remember why it’s worth being alive.  The kind of morning when the traffic shuts up, and you hear the thrushes.  The kind of morning when you realise you can do anything.  Cumulus start to bubble up over London.  You feel like you can fly through the clouds.

A thunderhead eclipses the sun.  Six foot tall, fifteen stone;  broad and handsome.  Close cropped hair.  Black boots, black shades.  Tight, sleek, black jeans.  George Cross embroidered over his heart.  ******* stitched to the arm of his black NF jacket.  Walking with the confidence of a man who knows he is Chosen.  

I stumble.  

*the thrushes fall silently out of the sky

You put your hand into mine, and baby we flew
And whenever you're not around, I don't know what to do
I'd rather die than go on livin' without you
'Cause you're the one for me, you're the one for me
You're the only one, only one, nothin's gonna hold us up, I got you
And after all that we've been through, we've been through some things
But it's okay, okay; there is no way I'm leavin', baby, believe it
...
I put my hand into yours, and baby I knew
That you would be there no matter what we go through
You're not alone; I'll always be there for you
'Cause you're the one for me, you're the one for me
You're the only one, only one, nothin's gonna hold us up, I got you
And after all that we've been through, we've been through some things
But it's okay, okay; there is no way I'm leavin', baby, believe it
You're the only one, only one, nothin's gonna hold us up, I got you
And after all that we've been through, we've been through some things
But it's okay, okay; there is no way I'm leavin', baby, believe it
Girl, I don't wanna sound like I'm on repeat
I know that it sounds like it might seem we've
Been through too much, I know it ain't easy
To look at my face; it's difficult when you see things
And we're fallin' apart, and we've been tryna fix this
Hopin' and wishin' that things would be different
I don't wanna lose you, I know that I miss this
'Cause you're the only one on my mind, now listen
Tryna be the man that you need any-time and I know that it seems I don't try
But I promise, I won't lie, won't lie; every time I look in your eyes, your eyes
Girl, I get this feelin' that I've never had, and I just want you to understand, yeah
You're the only one, only one, nothin's gonna hold us up, I got you
After all that we've been through, we've been through some things
But it's okay, okay; there is no way I'm leavin', baby, believe it, yeah
You're the only one, only one (yeah), nothin's gonna hold us up (yeah), I got you
And after all that (yeah) we've been through (yea yea, yeah), we've been through some things
But it's okay (yeah), okay; there's no way I'm leavin' (yeah), baby, believe it (yeah), yea, yea

Things I can do, there's just so much to do. I can go somewhere else, take time for myself. Explain what i'm feeling and know i wont always feel this way. Oh I can take a deep breath and smile once in a while it takes less energy than to frown, sure doesn't feel that way. Feel like I can't talk it out cause all they say is think about yourself. Think about what you can do to make it better. Well what are you waiting for just get up and take a walk for a while. Oh so you think I haven't tried, that I haven't walked or talked or smiled of course I tried but i just can't find a way for it to help me for it to stop the pain or for it to ease me. I try to focus on what's true but how can I know when I'm telling myself all these lies about how I know I'm fine. All this lying isn't helping the situation yet I'm screaming and you can’t hear me. Things I can do, there's just so much to do. I can go somewhere else, take time for myself. Explain what i'm feeling and know i wont always feel this way. Sure doesn't feel that way. All the voices in my head get so loud and I can just sit there wishing I could cut them out. I ask them to not talk down to me, but it's too late now. I don't even wanna think about anything cause in the end there's really nothing. So I guess I'm a let down, everytime i listen, and sit down it feels like you lecture me, wish we can just figure things out, well im sorry, feels like i wanna move outta town. But it's cool once in a while I check out but reality calls and brings me back, what do you want now? You wanna be friends now? Alright lemme put a fake face on so we can pretend now, you know you really messed this up, cut it off, turned around never looked back on what you did now. We can talk about the good times, the ones that never even happened. Why are you laughing? This isn't funny, not a funny situation. I bet you're laughing at yourself cause maybe you finally realized that you messed up and thought it was all a joke but no it happened, maybe i missed that joke, lemme see if i can see a reaction, no? Well at least you're happy! Things I can do, there's just so much to do. I can go somewhere else, take time for myself. Explain what i'm feeling and know i wont always feel this way, sure doesn't feel that way. Now make way the tears are coming, washing away the thin layer of happy I put up as a mask so you could walk away unknowing that you really messed up but you keep on laughing, must've missed that joke lemme see if i can find a reaction, no, but at least your happy.

First to admit that I am a lonely soul ,

Last to admit that I need a hand to hold ।


- NF

https://youtu.be/fy9YETB068M


Great song

You procrastinate
You are lazy, AF
You are childish


You believe in God, just not that religious.
You pray sometimes, most times you don't.
You listen to music,
you know its a sin. You do it anyway.
You don't drink, you've tasted it though.
You used to gamble
You like to think you would change someday,
just not today, not tomorrow, but soon.
You understand you might die anytime,
even tomorrow,
but you don't want to think about that.
You know you will probably end up in hell,
if you go on this way.


You think you have a unique taste in music
You like hip hop rap, R&B,
and whatever TF Olamide raps - or sing.
You like 21 pilots, Billie, Jon Bellion among others.
You like Eminem, NF, Lil Wayne
You love J. Cole. - Its a Cole world
You resonate with being fake,
You totally get it when J Coles said
"I'm a fake ***** and Its never been clearer.
Can't see me when I look in the mirror"
Except you see yourself when you look in the mirror.


You watch movies
Maybe too much
Mostly series
You hate Yoruba movies.
You hate Bollywood, too much Film tricks


You read
You just don't do much of it
You like classical novels
You hate business books.
You like poetry


You like Nicki M
You admire Shukroh
You have a crush on Tomi
You have never been in any relationship though,
Not because you deliberately choose to.
Probably because you're just so naive,
or because you are broke, like broke broke.
But you are far from innocent.


You have dreams
You think you might be successful
You are not so sure.
You are afraid you won't


You care about what people think about you,
more often than not.
You think you are not normal
You are an introvert,
You prefer being alone.
You hate sympathy


Someone did a terrible thing to you
You don't hate the person
You don't know how you feel about it.
You'll probably never tell anyone about it though


You did something terrible to someone.
You feel this pain in your chest,
that ugly cringe on your face,
every time you recall.
You said sorry, and you meant it


You lied to your parent
You are not trying to hurt them
You just want to spare them the pain,
and yourself of the pain,
knowing they felt pain because of you,
of facing the fact that despite their best efforts,
you are a mess.
You intend to fake it, till you make it.


You are dying
You have health problems
You didn't seek medical help
You can't afford the bills yourself
You won't seek help
You are that stupid


You think you are closing up on doom,
on a downward spiral.
You are your worst enemy
You know you've yourself to blame


You'll always be grateful for Omolara's generosity
You'll never understand Shukroh's heart of Gold.
You are so lucky.
You don't deserve them.
You are thankful


You are trying to critique who you are.
You are sad, maybe depressed.
You want to convince yourself,
this is all part of life
You hope everything will be alright.
In the end.

https://youtu.be/SmqtPaMMVuY
At my age marijuana, it would do more harm to me than good. Smoking it would destroy my lungs. The laziness it creates would destroy my wealth. I would fail to be creative any more and would never post any more intelligent videos on YT. I could never travel or visit other country's. This man that claims he will go down in history as the first person in Canada to buy legal Marijuana is clueless. He was born on the Rock (NF) he will die on the Rock. He will never travel or learn of any other country but his own tiny little back yard. This is sad for Canada that we have embraced this. Now there are fears that (THC) candy will be ingested by children.

It's a sad day when you relaize
that all along you loved ablack hole
always taking and  noithign gained i trie= nf
as'dfihiwor____