Why is it every time you live somewhere it feels like your not wanted. Even with your parents or parent you feel like your not wanted. Even if you try your best to make everyone happy and accept you still dont feel wanted. I guess when you let go of people that do hurt you you feel even lonlier because u dont have them hurting alot.Its like an empty space in your life which i guess would be good because its not any pain but your so use to it it feels like your missing a big piece in your life.Because your so use to taking the blame and dealing with the hurt. You want it back so you dont feel lonly but you dont want it back because it is nice not having everything be blamed on you even if you didnt do it. Guess what i really am missing is church god in mylife and feeling is love and appearence in mylife. Knowing that he is with me each and every step of the way. Knowing and feeling the love and appearence of him. I need christian friends people that can show me a good path and how to be in control of mylife. To show me how to guide my siblings the way my mom wants to guide them. Show my siblings that i can be obediant with them and my parents. Not to yell or stomp my feet when i get mad or fusterasted. Not to get annoyed when my littles sibs say something over and over to acknowledge them calmly and not yell. To be able to give them adivce and love them when they want to be loved. I want that for them because I never had it so I am going to try and be calm with them and be nicer to them. I want them to be able to be close to them and love them unconditionally.  Even when they tell my parents about every little thing i have to deal with it and know they are doing because they care. I didnt know how much caring would be so hard to except even when it doesnt annoy you. I know deep down in my heart i love it and i am smiling trying to hide it because i love it . Even if it is something that i love i still like it in the end. But it still ***** that its gone. end the end i know its because they love me. They wouldnt of taken me in if they didnt.

I can't be your half love...
I can't let you take the good parts and save the rest for later,
because I aim to love you whole,
whole heart,
whole soul,
even if you are the sum of your sins,
I will treasure the silver lining it has made of you.

Please put down your weapon,
I am knees to earth,
my being is open and sharing my light with you.
Wake up in the morning next to me,
get up to take walks with me at 5am.

I want you...
Not just this flesh that you blessed this earth with
but that soul you have built from shattered glass, tattered love, lonely hearts creating lonlier hearts...
You have assembled a masterpiece.
The universe is in awe of you.


-Indigo Morrison

all I truly care about at the moment
is curling up in your arms
speaking of my resentment and admiration
torwards your careless character
Im so abundant with nourishment and hatred
so filled with the emptiness of me and you

If I can so raise my voice
to were every soul would listen in praise
I would speak of nothing but my loneliness
hurl out and send words into the universe
of my collasal seclusion

my hair grows and with it months of solitude
I almost feel like I cant write anymore
like my words are meaningless
because you will never read them
I will never bare arms
I will never look in your direction
where will inspiartion come from

when your sitting in the park alone
the grass nestles and makes noises
damp from the rain earlier that day

the bench is dark brown
and I sit on it anyways
my pants get wet

I dont care

I stare at the sun
it stings my eyes
and I become further annoyed with myself
further annoyed with my day
and further annoyed with my life

the light makes me feel lonlier than ever
the sounds of the birds singing in harmony
make me feel hallow inside

the sounds of cars driving by

I hope you remember the days
I hope you remember the non exsistent apology you gave me

I will remember everything

I won't tell you not to,
because I know the impulse
and I've never been one
to not practice what I preach.

Just know that I refrain,
even if I don't want to.

and know that I love you,
even if I don't show it all the time.

Know that your not alone(AVPM)
even if you couldn't feel lonlier.

Know that I've been down your road,
and that I regret the ending.

it's not too late, and you're never out of options.

don't back yourself into a corner because you feel you have to.

you are loved, and needed.
<3

There's something comforting
about returning home
after nights that leave me strung out
and unsure of everything in my life
except the path up the red tile steps
to the front door that creaks when it opens
like an old lover welcoming me home,
with arms of wind-whipped windowpanes
and teeth crumbling like bricks
that were once so strong.

Home is just the three of us now.
My mother, my sister, and me,
but someone once told me that
the strongest foundations are built
in triangles.
Here, all traces of men
have dissipated like smoke through the floorboards,
but if you look closely,
you can still see their footprints that have long since turned to dust,
insignificant and everywhere.
Smell dad's scent of cigarettes
and old books
that still lingers in the back room no matter
how many times mom tries to get rid of it
with sage wrapped fingertips.
We are not girls anymore.
We are women.
We are women, turned warriors
and this house is a battlefield,
a reminder of what remains when the men leave us
sometimes, I here the pipes moan with
the ancient song of being left,
but still carrying on
and there are nights
when our cycles sync up.
Both bodies
and windowpanes
waxing and waning in a dance
as intricate as the phases of the moon,
because everyone I love knows
how to bleed with me.
How to shed
a dying thing from the inside out,
how to make blood a synonym
for baptism,
how to bleed ourselves into a new moon.
And this house is still warm
even though the furnace has been broken
since last winter,
and no one's bothered to fix it,
and the water heater is almost as old as the cat
who's on his last legs too--
it's no coincidence that the only males left in this house are the animals.

I'm leaving for college next year.
And mom's still waiting for her big break
as an actress
and the child support check that's always late
and the furnace still doesn't work.
4 months ago,
a girl with eyes like ocean tides told me
she couldn't love me anymore
and left me standing in the rain.
4 years ago,
a wandering man said he would leave his wife
for my mother
but she's still waiting.
4 days ago,
I heard the pipes whisper to me that we know heartbreak
like nights spent alone,
like a coffee for one,
like a ticking in our veins that says
Keep Living Anyway.

Some would say this house
is falling apart,
beaten down and bruised
like a lover at the end of the line,
but every night she creaks symphonies
and whispers purple midnight stories
with a swollen lip,
and heart still beating like babyfeet on wooden floors.
And she bleeds divinity
through the cracks in the walls
and my mother bleeds strength through the cracks in her palms.

Next year, I'll be gone.
And I wonder
how it will be as I sit
cross legged and lonlier than ever
in a warm dorm room,
with walls that don't have a heartbeat.
And a furnace
that isn't broken.

When I was a child,
I acknowledged what happy means,
It was all when I was younger,
Hugging a bear in pink pajamas,
Mom and dad would kiss me goodnight
Mornings used to be brighter and sunny
Afternoons would remind me of playgrounds,
And at night, stars would pierce through the dark.

I grew and grew and grew,
The months and years passed.
And I'd knock at the door in noon,
Kiss my mom's cheeks, "I'm home, mom."
We read books together and I learn a lot.
And learning as I walk through my path,
It seemed strange, really different
As they let go of the grip I used to hold on.

Maybe it meant freedom, I thought...
Was to be "on my own" real freedom?
Is this the solitude that confuses everyone?
Joy is far cry from despair, this is being content,
Now I comprehend, wish I really understand.
And I was a young bird taking off from her nest.
Here I am trying to fly as time flies, too.
And I'd get a little lonlier everyday...
Thinking where would I fly if this ain't home
And all I know is I'm lucky.

Little did I know now,
I have grown a bit from yesterday...
A little bit new from a new day.
I used to know what happiness is,
Did I really know what it meant?
I asked myself and heard no answer.
I thought it was much simpler than I thought.
I thought of dresses on me, cold weathers,
Thought of sweets, 12-hour heavy sleeps,
Thought of love stories and happy endings in books that never existed in real life.
Never did they exist as long as you live.

But those things will never be enough
to satisfy me forever.
I know, I have grown and I was younger back then.
I was the little princess who instantly gets
what she wants back then.
I was the little princess who never knew hard work until she strived hard for something.
Little did I realize how hard it is to take it,
The more I age, the more it slips out of my hands...
And there, I come to its reach.

Happiness isn't something you buy,
But darling, it is something you earn.
It is something you learn from and gain.
A little time with your favorite company is
The first thing that would pop in my head.

Freedom isn't being happy but being right.
It is something worth fighting for,
Until your voice is heard through the people's chaotic and rebellious screams.

And love, a word I have never known when I was young... Until it taught me to smile truly.
Love is something you can't define.
As they define, they just got closer to it its meaning.
Never did they get to touch the word itself.
But, they felt it with it alone.

Ten years ago, I cried over stolen toys I'm tired of playing at my age now.
And now, I cry over things that I knew really matter and I'd never get tired of forever....
I'd cry over bad decisions, trying to get up from my fall as I tried to clean all scars...
Knowing there are more that matters and are worth saving...
Knowing there are things I'd better let go.

And little did I know I grew when I learn,
Little did I know the years as they passed by.
And, happiness is a choice, they'll tell.
And if it was yours, pass it on.


May 21, 2019
7:34-7:40pm
Edited version

What was a celebration for others,
Made her only sadder and lonlier.
She did try,
But kept backing away.

Too many people enjoying themselves but not wanting her, she thought.

Everybody celebrated within themselves,
But nobody really celebrated with her, she thought.

I lay in bed in a dark, dark, imagery
As a cold deep shadow watches me
Monitoring--questioningly--menacingly
And I feel myself grow lonelier and lonlier
After a day in sunny foyers and populous piers
I stay shriveled in fear
That the day was a dream
And this isn't a nightmare

he kept trying to convince himself
that he didn't need anyone else
so he spent his days up on a shelf

many hours went by when he just thought
about how independent he was
so without help his battles were fought

sometimes he would almost get worn out
but he had a fear of going soft
so his freedom he never did doubt

without others he could feel alone
although he had grown far much too cold
so he was lonlier than they'd known

A table for four, perfect to sit-in.
But a table for more, invites quarrel within.

A table for two, lends platform for love.
It nurtures a bond, beautiful within thereof.

A table for two can be lonlier
Than a table for one when the person you're with

Is the wrong one.

Constant fear is who I am
Fear of losing you
Fear of betrayal
Fear of you leaving me lonlier than that of which I already am
Who am is hurt
Hurt when you go out and experience the things I don’t get to
Hurt when you leave me to go away for college
Hurt when reminders tell me how horrible I once was
Hurt when I’m laying in bed alone at night wishing I didn’t exist.

The anger started; & grew fast.
I was going completely crazy.
Depression wouldnt leave me.
& the river of my tears had pushed me out of the house.
Just needed an escape.
& needed to get away.
Just couldnt think anymore of the sickness that has been brought to her;
The hospital which held her.
Told to stay home,
But I didnt want to listen.
I just wanted to stop thinking.
I just needed the pain to leave me.
Left without a word.
Daddy had no control.
The wind quickly pulled me inside,
To drive away from it all.
The restaurant full of happiness,
I was still filled with sadness.
I was still hurting.
I was still bleeding.
I was still thinking.
& then it was over.
The houses invited everyone back in.
But my head forced me to stay out.
I took off, speeding.
The music was blasted;
Crying inside while I took the wheel again.
My silence never died.
It only became stronger.
I knew I couldnt be where I was,
But I just needed to forget what was going on.
Darker & colder;
Time flew by.
Quieter, & lonlier;
5am arrived.
Finally my energy died.
Finally my silence died.
Finally thats where I had lost control.
It became darker when I shut my eyes.
Then I became so careless.
I became invisibly drunk.
The next lane reached for me;
& ****** me in.
It became so silent.
Then became so noisy.
Coulnt think.
Couldnt breathe.
Just couldnt wake up from the nightmare.
Waken;
I was screaming at the top of my lungs.
Still so dark;
I didnt know where I was.
I felt no pain,
Because the sudden shock took over.
I felt so helpless.
I felt so destroyed.
I felt so broken.
& I was actually broken.
Still screaming,
The rescue took forever.
It was the sound of his voice that had tried to calm me down.
& then finally,
I was free;
With the broken vehicle;
That had finally let me go.
I thought immediately that I was going to die.
I felt the cold air,
Just peeling at my skin.
& I was so confused.
The bed held me up;
As I woke up from the tragic event.
Couldnt move;
And I thought I stopped breathing.
I had only my eyes & my ears to guide me.
When the spoke,
I felt so helpless.
I wanted to scream,
But couldnt.
I wanted to talk,
But couldnt.
I wanted to explain,
But couldnt.
Felt so claustrophobic,
With me being crowded.
Felt so heavy,
With the damage trying to heal itself from my body.
I didnt even know how to act anymore.
My memory suddenly failed on me.
& my mentality was so out of control.
Still thought it was a nightmare,
But I actually felt all the pain.
Mentally & physically.
My strength was put into a deep sleep.
& weakness grew stronger on me.
& with a big happening,
I felt so small.
I felt so weird everyday being there.
So many thoughts kept racing through my head.
Slowly;
But so impatient,
My strength waked itself from my body.
& I pushed myself;
Pushed myself to the limit.
Pushed myself too far,
To just get home quicker.
I faked at times.
I just wanted to go home.
& then it was that one day I couldnt stop the smile,
From hurting my cheeks.
It was when she showed her strength in front of my face.
& all her weakness died,
When she put everything aside,
To be so strong for me.
I thought she was angry,
But only the sound of her voice spoke so strong; so happy.
& I didnt even make an effort to ask about the pain within her.
I only saw it in her eyes;
That she was hurting deep inside.
& she was trying so hard to be so strong.
& when she left me each day,
My tears drowned me again.
Another wound on my body that was made.
Waited so impatiently,
I was so angry.
So frustrated.
So depressed.
The more I faked,
The more faster I thought I would leave.
And at the same time,
I pushed myself.
& forced my strength to come back again.
& in my mind,
I was thinking stronger;
To push even harder.
My strength had finally came.
My weakness had finally disappeared.
Back to normal once my body stepped foot into my door.
I felt strong again.
I moved again.
I breathed again.
Physically strong,
But now Im mentally weak.
Its over,
But the memories haunt me.
Memories of everything,
Everyone,
& myself.
No forgiveness is necessary towards myself; just hate..
To damage,
To cause a disaster.
& to cause such pain.
So inside,
Im still in pain.
Still thinking.
Still feeling the same emotions.
Im ok now,
But scarred for life.
Nothing will be invisible.
Im actually not ok.

Understanding your mind is like trying to find a polar bear in a snow storm
Possible to know its there, yet impossible to figure out every detail
Your past is matted with a dusty haze of need, love and hate I can't always place
Anger mounting with every growing day of summer as memories replace today

Competition spouts in your blood as easily as Ole Glory spouts on a daily basis
Your lungs only have space for air to use in arguements or reassurance
The battle within your mind only plays emphasis to your need to win, to conquer
You challenge every move I make whether its the slightest blink or a giant leap

Every shuffling step toward an unattainable goal of laying intangled in your arms. As something more, more than a confident that is always open for an ear
Someone who you can call at all hours of the night knowing I'll be awake to whisper it's alright and to help you steadily drift right on back into soft pillowy dreams

More than a feverish kiss leading into *** with no passion but pure fire and heat
Burning ourselves in the process for we open ourselves for eachother and show our scars. Each touch you land on my imperfect skins leaves a brand that claims me as yours. Blue eyes twinkling as your lips burn lustful memories into the skin below my navel

Two opposite extremes racing together to create a chaos of confusion
Blindly feeling my way along the restricting walls of our relationship to figure it out/ Yet stupid me didn't remember to bring a flashlight (or learn to read brail)
Entering the darkest of tunnels I sigh knowing the results of this all too well

With my clumsy two left feet I slip and fall into an oblivion of needing you
As you close the gates to your heart, to your life, to your soul  no longer wanting me. In any way no longer wanting me to be close, not even as a confident, as a lover. But my stupid heart still burns with passion now too strong to give up

Unrealizing fibers of my being push my tired limbs to try to stand up and beg you to let me in. Sick with hearing my voice you open up the gates and respond
Only to catch my hopes off guard and start a forrest fire of emotion off of a spark
I've been here before if you couldn't tell and I know I'm headed right back

But I can't turn around for every long winded bend in this dark dreary tunnel
Offers me something that no one else could, the touch of a hand on the small of my back. The jingle of laughter after my nightmares attack my unconcious mind. A smile from ear to ear of a knowing friend who wants nothing for me but the best

So my lips will stay silent, except for to give and accept hidden kisses
For losing you would mean losing a piece of myself too large to accept
But the battle within me rages stronger with each passing day, yet nothing can be done. Pains pull at my heart and tug at my brain begging me to make a move

Resisting to satisfy the urge my body feels to know more of you
Not on the surface, or of your soul just more that can not be known by a friend
Jealousy rages at the mention of other names yet I contain my explosions of hate
Saving those for another darker lonlier day where I can take it out on myself

On days like these I ponder what you know about these feelings for you seem to know everything else about me and about the way I feel towards other people
This only furthers my need to burrow my feelings and hide them like a bear does in the winter- to hibernate my feelings until we're so far away from eachother it doesn't matter

Because if my feelings are not as confusing to you as a polar bear in ice storm
Then you already know, and the seemingly never ending journey for the unattainable spot. Lying in your open arms grows further away with every blindly taken step down the tunnel. Further into the darkness that grows darker and longer with every movement

Causing me to believe I'm only biding my time until my heart crashes to the pavement in front of you and I'm screaming your name and begging through my tear stained eyes. Wanting nothing more than to take back the first step I took into this never ending oblivion of pain I can't even begin to try to contain even though I knew it was coming

Because I've been here before- but so have you, that's what leaves the smallest glimmer of hope in my heart, like a handrail along the walls in the dark
That .1 percent chance out of 99 that one day it will be me and you laying side by side.

If only I can convince you.

I feel so much lonlier than when I was by myself
The dense humidity of this room crushes me
And I cannot sleep
I suffocate until I achieve a semblance of peace
Suicide is for beginners. Try living as a dead  man