septemeber 2014 i told my dad i didnt want to be alive anymore
in our kitchen, we sat on the floor, he held me and through his tears he told me he never wants to lose me
i think about this all the time
october 2014 my 2 year old brother saw my cuts and scars
he brings me bandaids all the time
novemeber 2014 my mom walked in on my 6th suicide attempt
we stayed up all night driving around, talking about how much i wanted to end my life
she asks me every day how i'm feeling now
december 2014 my step dad found sleeping pills i had been purchasing and saving for 6 weeks
he didnt cry when his only son was born but he couldnt even breathe when he found my pills and confronted me about it
janurary 2015 my step mom drove my to the er when she found my almost dead in the shower
she didnt sleep for 3 days while she and my mom stayed at the hospital with me
feburary 2015 my mom found my journal of suicide notes
there was over 100 notes
march 2015 my grandparents began noticing how bad i was getting
my grandmother stayed at our house during march break with me
april 2015 i saw my favourite band who has helped me through a lot of tough times
i got their lyrics on my body forever to remind me that i'm not my illness
may 2015 my bestfriend and i made a promise to each other to remain self harm free
we promised to help eachother get through our illnesses
june 2015 she was in the hospital for trying to **** herself
i knew i had to stay strong for the both of us
july 2015 i started to work on myself
i started to notice the beauty in things again
i forgot how much i loved the rain
how much i loved flowers
how much i cared about nature and the planet
i forgot how much i loved life
august 2015 i started to plan for the future
i started thinking about 10 years down the road
september 2015 i'm not where i want to be yet, but im so proud of how far i've come
im proud of myself

I turned ten two days ago.
You were born today,
Yet you will never draw your first breath.

Your lips,
Inherited the reddest hue of cardinal feathers.
Your skin,
Pale and soft like fresh Pennsylvania snow.

I never knew what your eyes looked like,
They never opened.
Infinite iris colors
That will never be discovered.

When I held you in my arms,
The guiding hand of God drifted away.
I gave the coldest of shoulders I suppose,
Dust drifting in the air conditioned delivery room.

I looked outside the hospital window.
The dead leaves fluttered in the bitter wind,
Time stood still that day,
For me, just a little kid.

completely alone but accompanied
bitter but somewhat lively
the feeling is indescribable
how does it make any sense?
cut out all the feelings from my
dark heart, but still i want more
a piece that can no longer be ignored
but what is it going to take?

i do not wish for everlasting love
since i always shove it away
i do not wish for material
since i have more than i need
too often i get lost in my thoughts
like being in a thick evergreen forest
whirring and whipping around me
as i’m running in the same circles
thick wind caress my numb flesh
i must find the way out
i have to get out

a quest for my desires awaits me
although unsure of the exact path
or my method of adventure
i wont shut my heavy eyes
nor stop to smell the flowers
until i find where i truly belong
where my blissful future awaits
and where my mind and soul will
finally achieve the pure harmony
i’ve always been searching for

a.d

All things that happen so fast
That the life that you thought you knew
The one gripping at your throat for breath
For death
Was not something you no longer feared
Where the hastiness of loves sweet stupid angelic eye lifting glance
The girl from the coffee stands
Turned to an old woman right before your very eyes
The flowers burst into flames
The walmart where you laughed at sprinkler sets with men who had no faces
No souls
No children to call their own
Were now spinning in a furry that tore their skin
From their bones
Dirt danced through Feburary, through Janurary, through March
To the 13th month
Where poetry hung there with their stung long and out and drooling
Dead to the sight for the love of the thing you never met
Is now so foreign
All over again
The sin of somber memories in books that when placed in mine hands
Burn like the hot coals from an undead volcano
Where fame is nothing but a sprinkle that tastes like nothing
When it rests on your tongue
That the time spent spitting our **** from a mouth that has never spoken truth
Eyes that have cried black tears
Whiteness where teeth used to be
Flowers where graves now are
Clouds moving through the heat like lizards across the barren desert
Food for the vultures whose sutures are long past infected
They are the infected
We are the infected youth piling up the garbage that has no weight
Has no past
And has only the future which will be deleted if we see
Fit
Fit for the the human cause
The human de-evolution of rat ******* hippos that know
The big screen, the big big brother
Is now forever watching for He knew He never had to stop
Never had to lock his doors, his windows, kiss his daughter goodnight
The sheets are spread out with cigarette butts and needles and gum stains of ***** sidewalks
His home is our home
But he owns it
He owns every living 6th degree burn as the water drips *****
Where the touching moments you cherish and give you "hope"
Were made from him
Invented by him
Produced through him for your enjoyment
Enjoy the moments as they come and go through and fro for to see the know
Is to then wish
You could finally go

Hey lady with the marker up front
stocking our brains with useless tid bits
of information
*******!
Im not paying attention to you.
I guess you can say Im wasting my education
'Im gonna do something big, bigger then YOU'
Im gonna be a big movie star
with all my useless materialistic things
my over priced clothes. or my 6 million dollar car
making tabloids and headlines everytime
I find a girl thats better than just a ****
Ill have a big house, and leave a ton of rooms empty.
Ill try and seem sophisticated enough to try and write a lame half true autobiography
And Ill have a drug stint and people will know my problem
Six months will pass
December
Janurary
Feburary
March
April
May
'say what ever happened to him?'
Ill be clean then, and Ill look like Im enjoying myself
I did a good job of staying out of trouble
and when the trouble stopped so will the help
Soon Ill find myself alone in
my mansion with nothing to do
Ill give a hefty donation
But thats just because I feel useless
so old and just caged in
And when Im sitting in my chair
wormed by a fire, sipping on my aged wine
Ill be thinking how finishing college
getting a job and starting a family woulda been just fine

Meet me in Kentucky next summer
West Virgina in the fall
I'm just the one you wanna see this winter
Bring a pack

Leave your daddie's Bible
Well sit on some steps
Just kidding each other on the porch come Spring
I'll take you back next summer

My mom told me it wasn't ok to cry
But even the warmest Janurary makes me hide

1st month

Janurary 2013:

Snowing like hell, and the cold still eating out my bones
I still lingered on a bit of sadness, of the past
But i was better.
My best friend tried to **** himself
i said to him "Dont to that man!"
he apologized and said he never do it again
"You better not! now lets play some games, you idiot."
i smiled
he smiled and sat his in chair and i sat in mine.
I got a new haircut
with the sides of my head shaved
i looked like a mushroom
i liked it, wondered if it changed the thoughts of people bout me.
She still talked to me, though  i didnt want to talk to her , i did
she made me mad , but i wasnt dwelling in the past.

For when you have sensuality smeared all over your skin
It's difficult not to sin
From do i even begin?
Your luscious lips
Or those inviting hips?
How lovely looks your hair!
Tonight my soul before you i'm going to bare
I'm going to kiss you everywhere
Let's dim the lights and make it a little dark
And re-ignite our spark
Let's make it a night to remember
Janurary's almost knocking on the door..let's end with a bit of magic,December