BOO!
I’m sorry was that —
BOO!
OH pardon m—
BOO!
I’m sorry did I scare you?
but how …?
I simply walked into the room
I’m sorry, we’ve only made eye contact
and you're scared?
scared of what?
I’m not a phantom…
I’m not a spirit…
I’m not a gh —
wait… I get it
I see whats happening here
I’m black… i scared you because I'm black
you're scared of my skin color
you're scared of me so you clutch your bag as i walk by
you cross the street so you don't have to walk by me
you avoid eye contact
you kidnapped my people from our country and enslaved them
you kept us as property
you were scared of us so you made sure we stayed inferior
you instated segregation when you thought we would be free
when you thought we would come out on top you made sure we weren't equal
you made sure the black race was dehumanized
you made sure we couldn't get equal education
you made sure we couldn't drink from the same water fountains
you made sure the people who spoke out were executed
you made sure no matter what
my people were in constant fear for their lives…
no I am neither a ghost nor a ghoul
Im black
BOO!
i scared you because I'm black

Forgiveness
is a funny thing.

It has no boundaries
but we end up putting them there
anyway

And sometimes forgiveness
is easier said
than done.

When I look beyond my waist, I see
all the forgiveness
you've given me

The pain you've tolerated
The time you've waited
The space you've instated
reminds me
your forgiveness
knows no end.

I look below my hips and see
all the times
you felt like nobody

I didn't know you then
I didn't know me then,
either
I only knew the light of the moon
when everyone else
was walking in daylight.

I look to my thighs and see
all the hatred
I came to believe

Not for others, no-
for the words,
the actions,
the things my eyes said
when my mind knew otherwise
and my heart screamed in agony

Sometimes forgiveness
is easier said
than done.
Especially for one
giving so much effort
to forgive themselves
when everyday they see
the person they used to be.

Now, if I don't say goodnight,
it's weird.
We're not together
still we seek affection, comfort
in each other.
But if time goes by
and we don't talk,
you're in tears.
This fall it's a year.

I go out
and I don't want to have to
answer to you.
I don't feel like
making excuses
but you know everything
I do.
I care though;
I don't want to upset you.

I could lie
or be vague
but my pride is at stake
So I'll stick with vague,
force you to wade
through my words
so carefully chosen,
––off-handedly given
so if you find out
I'm dating again
you won't blow up
we can still be friends.
I'll be forgiven
and you won't close up.

'Cause I would hate for that to happen.
And I know you would too.
So don't let it happen
Let's just build something new.
Intimacy without ***.
Love and trust without a partnership.
I know it's possible.
But with us,
every drink turns into
another night together.
Our hours go by
because it feels unnatural
'cutting things short arbitrarily.'
Tearing apart what has
grown together now.
...You and I are not a perfect match.
There's space between these ridges.
Separately,
you can see we're not the right pieces.
You're not the right fit.
For me.
And it *****
Because I wish you were.
It *****
seeing someone you care so much about
be so torn open, heartbroken

(I think of everything a parent hopes
will never happen to their child
because, I think, they know how it felt
when it happened to them.)
It. *****. Knowing
that person your mother feared is me.

At least I have a reason now;
something to grasp how
I could disgust her so much.
But it's not.
I want to say it's not.

I'd rather you didn't know of my shame
that thing I feel
when I pull you back and forth.
I know, I know, I know
I'm to blame.
Wanting one thing for you
So I say it.
I don't want to play this game
But I know it's what you want to hear.
So I hold you close
because I think I'll hurt you less
if I'm near.

Leaving means retreating means fleeing
to you.  From something 'too real'
you think I'm incapable of handling.  
But that's not it.
I don't feel what you feel.
I will suffer repercussions of
not seeing you,
someone I've grown attached to
and feeling the void I've created.
I've instated.
And I know you'll be so mad.
****, you'd be such a
loyal friend to have.

I am infuriatingly out glowed with ecstasy
by  post traumatic serotonin rush of the accident of
that my law breaking motor bike hit in another car
whom purely taking his turn to the left

Now it is the dawn of dusk, last few seconds of the day
but I never wanted to wash the blood of the scratches I got
instated  I purely enjoy seen them drying up
nonetheless It felt to my juvenile mind some protagonist kind of a pride about me
keep walking with blood splatted white linen shirt and black shades
I am an ecstatic
I showed both the fingers to the docs and to the hospital staff
you know the prospect patient with an insurance

I was an innocent law breaker, Juvenile
thus no wonder why I see that turning to the left is never right
and of course neither to right is right because
the hospital , that was in the right from the junction
I only rode my bike straight in narrow bleak space of
all among the mid day traffic jam of insanely busy people

by the way car driver was a good guy
though he doesn't own that hybrid black boy he drove
we shook hands , shared good byes and  I came back home
then breaking the virtue of healthy non smoking
I lit a cigarette

It’s a new rule, I just instated it.
Saves me from the same mistake.
Getting stuck on that girl is dumb luck,
The rest is history she got me here.
Just to please her
Just to squeeze her

I have to look into your eyes to find it.
But then I realize its romantic,
So I offer every piece,
Of mind, body, and soul
Sacrifice
For the love I owe.

But love poems that rhyme have no reason.

Hard pressed to find a love so clear,
Love becomes seasonal.
Summer love
Love falls
Winter rebirths and spring it’s found
Yet questions remain
Should we love?
Does it rhyme or reason?
Or will it follow true form and be blind?
I don't know but love poems shouldn't rhyme.

I mislaid myself one November morning
Took three months to claw me back
Searched every corner of a blistering dark
Scoured the pavements crack by crack

Spooled the night with a microscope lens
And then rummaged under the bed
Tried to push out those other girls
Who’d instated themselves in my head

Latched myself into my writing
Handcuffed myself to my keys
Fed off the damp of my poetry-drip
Then relocated myself with ease.

tired..
.......
..
...
breathe, they say
"breathe"
"just breathe"
'breathe'........
...
what if i can't?
what if there's something in my throat that blocks the air
what if it's a growth that takes over the voice box
and sinks its roots and organs into the cores of speech
or what if it's a chunk of metal that weighs on my flesh
the mucus coating the tube of pathway making the lump sink further
and further
into my stomach, eventually
and the mercury that melts into the acids shores
foams and coats everything inside
everything
what if that poison infects everything?
i think it already has.

there, the period
you were waiting for it, weren't you?
there were questions, but questions lead to answers
and don't really end
and there were ellipsis but those suggest thought
a period of waiting
waiting for something
the period, a single dot
is so definite
somehow
one dot can stop us all
stop all thought, all words
one
little
dot.
...
it makes no sense.

digression
it happens a lot
especially when trying to focus
focus on the thing that it is
that we want to get out and deal with
but we don't want to
no, we don't
we like to hide our things
because things become real when they're said out loud
maybe if we don't speak
if we talk about something else
the thing won't be real
and we can pretend everything is okay
and i speak of this concept
because i don't wish to speak
about the thing that is
not yet
i must
but i don't
right now, it isn't real
but it is.
it is real.

i have a thought
that anything that can be thought is real
it exists
because it exists in our minds
our minds are a space in another dimension
a pocket dimension
and there, the things exist
even if they don't exist in this shared dimension on earth
in our minds, it exists
so god exists
( and no i will not capitalize his name
he is just like everyone else
we were made out of his image, so he is just like us
who all love to judge each other in the name of god
or ala
or whoever
even though the point of religion is that it is not our place to judge
or we will go to hell
but no one listens, and everyone equates themselves to god
because they judge in his place
despite his teachings
or her, god could be her
him or her, doesn't matter
he is the only one to judge
and yet
we all judge
so i will equate us to god, since you all do anyway
i'm just more blunt )
god exists, because we think him up
we think up other things too, and they all exist
the voices in the head of a ****** exist
in their pocket dimension
those voices that haunt and taunt
and command and demand
yes, they exist
not in your pocket dimension, but in their's
and so does god.
not in your pocket dimension, but in another's
he does.
in mine? maybe
maybe
i'm undecided
if he does, he's not all he's chalked up to be
for i have prayed to him
i prayed very hard
and because he loves all his children i'm sure he heard the pleas of a blubbering child
i prayed so hard to god to fix my mom
and my mom broke even more
so i wondered if he was real
because god would surely do a good thing and fix my mom
unless she was beyond repair and out of his reach
so either he is not there
or he is, and his power is not very great
unless you all think he just didn't care?
maybe he didn't.

i believe in the spirit.

the thing, is a thing
we all know
we all know it, we all feel it
it is a thing and it is hard to say
because no one likes admitting they need help
really and truly
no one likes to think they're ****** up,
no one likes to admit it
no one likes any of that
but
no one can fathom knowing they're ****** up.
it ***** them up even more
and they panic
we panic
i panic
because we're supposed to have it all together
we're supposed to be just fine
and accomplished
we have to do all these things and be so perfect
not actually perfect but perfectly content
perfectly balanced, perfectly normal
do we even know what normal is anymore?
is normal being boringly complacent?
or is normal being ****** up?
i think it's a bit of both, and i hate it
i would never, have never, will never
never
want to be normal
because i hate boring
and complacent
and quiet
i hate it all
i need to speak to people
i need my voice to be heard
so if there's a growth in there i'm ripping it out
i know i could get a surgeon to remove it but
i hate help
i hate this
and i hate you
but i need it
we all need it
we hate it, but we need it
like we need to shower
we hate the idea of stripping down naked
seeing our ugly bodies with all that fat and all the moles and all the hair and the wrinkles and the blemishes and the crusts that dry up like dry skin and flake off
we hate staring at ourselves so bare and raw
and we hate getting the water going and waiting for the right temperature of water
only to step under the stream and still be dissatisfied by how lukewarm the water is
so we turn it up
and only when we're scalding and cooking from the inside out like some insignificant slab of food
being prepared only to be **** out later
a temporary purpose
only then do we enjoy the actual shower
only then do we enjoy the help
and the talking
and the ranting
when we're burning
and feeling
and letting it all go
standing there and accepting everything
whether it feels good or bad, we enjoy it
it's a burning hug of comfort
and we never want to leave
but we have to
and when we do, we don't want to go back
we put it off, we avoid
we do what we can to pretend we don't need the cooking, scalding, burning water again
even though we need it.

in the shower the rest of the world is gone
i find
it's like nothing else exists
but i imagine someone is with me
this is how i know i suffer.
i hate my body
my naked, ugly body
i have never liked it
and i don't want others to see it, ever
so when i stand there in the shower
scalding and burning
and i imagine someone is with me
i imagine and desire someone to see me in all my bare ugliness
i know i truly suffer
because insecurity is the most powerful dictator in the world
and it commands all actions and decisions
all words spoken
everything must go through our glorious dictator's instated filter
before ever reaching the shared dimension of the world
sometimes it likes to dictate the pocket dimension too
if it's feeling particularly prickish
so when the insecurity is overruled
by a dire need for someone there in front of me at my ugliest
i know i'm far gone
and i'm struggling
and need the help of another who might understand
who might help.

i hate myself.

i love parts of myself
i love that i speak
i love that i approach
i love that i am outgoing
i love that i know how to laugh and mean it
i love that i have great eyes and vision
i love that i will try anything once
i love that i am intellectual
i love that i am witty
i love that i draw people in
i love that i can be admired
i love that i come off confident
i love that i am intimidating
i love that i am good at things i love to do
i love that i am willing to help myself
i love that i hate admitting i need help from others
i love that i am independent
i love that i don't know how to be dependent
but i hate it too.

i love writing.

writing is my everything.
i haven't written in so long, not like this
and perhaps that is why things have gotten so bad
but writing allowed me to wallow
poetry allowed me to wallow in all of the darkness and the tar and the gunk and the oil
that i've tried to dry out and wash away
but i like my gunk
i don't love it, but i like it
this long lost love of mine, and ex-lover that i left in the past
is my most comfortable lover
it knows me, and it loves me too
and i cannot understand why i haven't reached out sooner
i adore poetry
in a way that no one else really understands
along with theatre and music
poetry is my family
my true, loving family
and i have abandoned that family until now
and i have received a warm welcome
a glorious return
to the thing we all know
and to the thing that i know
and as i sit here, writing this
listening to a psychoanalysis of amy lowell
i know this is my help
and i know language is enough
more than enough
these words on this page are a thing we all know
a beauty of a trueness that gives us hope for a better day
not a sunny day, for sunny days are the saddest
at least in the overcast we get a dark hug of a sky trying to reach us
and sometimes it does, when it rains
the sun is just an ******* who likes to brag about its constant brightness
digression
language is my band-aid
my suture
my medicine
my surgery
my herbs and my tea
my bed and my pillow
my scalding shower
you may analyze this
with your structure and your feminism
your deconstruction and your new criticism
the meaning will always be the same.

it is a thing we all know.

By: Cedric McClester

He doesn’t gives a ****,
Whether the children
Are brought back.
Especially if they’re brown,
They might as well be black!
Judging by the way
He usually tends to act
Sad as that is, it’s no less a fact

He doesn’t give a ****,
That they were separated.
I’m talking about the President
Whose policy was instated
His racism is well known,
Which can’t be debated
The evidence is clear
And it needs to be stated

He doesn’t give a ****
How the rest of us feel,
Or whether, or not
It’s underneath appeal
We shouldn’t be surprised
Once we know the deal
Everything he does
Seems to be surreal

He doesn’t give a ****
About anybody else.
Other than the obvious,
In other words, himself.
Never mind those cages
Or if they’re on a shelf
It went down in secret
Some would call it stealth



Cedric McClester, Copyright © 2018.  All rights reserved.

I've Been HERE... I've Been THERE...
I've Even Been... SCARED... !!!

But The Places I've Been...
Go BEYOND... Truth or Dare... !!!!!

So Let Me Make This CLEAR ...
These Words Are SINCERE...  
Because They  DESCRIBE ...
Some Things In My Life...
That I Have Been Through ...
That REALLY Are TRUE... !!!!!!!!!

From Places I've SEEN ...
To Things Said To Me...
By IGNORANT Breeds ...
Due To Their JEALOUSY... !!!

So... Where Do I Start... ?

... "The BEGINNING You *** !"...

... "I think that's too far for this poem to chart !"

I've Been Told That I've... DIED...
TENS of THOUSANDS of Times... !!!!!!!

Which Is Probably WHY I'm...  
... TIRED of LIFE... !!!

Re-Incarnated And YES... Re-INSTATED...
As A Poet Whose BRILLIANCE Resembles...

..... " VERGILLIUS "..... !!!!!!

A ROMAN Whose Words...  
Are KNOWN Round The World... !!!!!!

I'm NOT Quite There YET...
Maybe When I'd DEAD... !!!
I'll Have EARNED Such RESPECT...

I've Been Heard and Observed By Poetic Herds...
And PEERS Who APPEAR To View Me With FEAR.... ?!?

Because They KEEP STRESSING...
My Words Are AGGRESSIVE...
And Somewhat... UPSETTING... !!!

To THOSE Who Like Prose...
That's FLUFFY Like... " Snow "...  

I've Also Been Told...  

My Words Are TOO BOLD For Me To Get SHOWS... !!!
By Poetic Pros Who Behave Like... *******... !!!!

Talking of HOLES...  

I've Been Around... " **'s "...
And Girls Who Blow COLD...  
When They HEAR TRUTHFUL Quotes...
That Just Like The Coc' They SHUV' Up Their Nose...  

BLOWS UP... Chromosomes... !!!!!

So I Have Been THAT Guy Who Girlies... " DENY "...
A Piece of The PIE That's BETWEEN their Thighs... !!!

It's OBVIOUS Why...
Because I'm NOT The Type To Tell Girlies LIES...
To Make Them Feel NICE...
When They THINK They're TOO NICE... !!!!!

I've ALSO Been THAT GUY...
Who WOMEN Supply...
With WARM LOVING Vibes...
Like Those of GOOD WIVES... !!!!

Some Who Made PLAIN To Their EX-Boyfriends...

"I haven't seen Virge, for the whole week okay !
So, hold back your words, cos' your women problems
can stay in your head, cos' I can't wait to feel his arms around me !"

That's REAL TALK... BELIEVE... !!!

So I've YES Been... THE MAN...
NOT Just A... " Boyfriend "... !!!

I've Been Round These GIRLS...
Who'd Rather *** THEM... ?!?

Who THINK Their Young Worlds...
WILL... Last them FOREVER... ?!?
STUPID and DENSER...
Than... Inclement Weather... !!!!!!

I've Been A GO GETTER...
When it Comes To These Letters...
I Now Put TOGETHER...
And EXHIBIT With SPLENDOUR... !!!!

I've Been In Sports Teams...  
And Had Those... " Pro DREAMS "... !!!
But It Seems Poetry... Is Suited To Me...  

I've Been in Company...
Who Think That They're... " Funny "...
Because of ABUSE...
That They Choose To USE That Just ISN'T Cool... !!!!

See I've Been Around FOOLS...
Whose DISRESPECT Proves...
... INSANITY Rules...
How Their Thinking Moves... !?!

One Said One Day...
Having Heard My Wordplay...

"You've got a great face for radio !"...

I Just Thought... " REALLY Though !?! "...

Some HALF BREED Chinese...  
Who DREW The Ladies...
Cos' He'd FLASH His Money... !!!

Well HERE Is Some TRUTH...
That I Chose NOT To Use...

It Seems His Son's Mother...
Decided This SUCKER Had Hurt Her SO MUCH...
That Her Form of GOODBYE...
Was To TAKE HER OWN LIFE..... !!!!!!

Cos' She'd YUP...
Had ENOUGH of Seeing His MUG... !!!

So His FACE It Would Seem's...
SUITABLE For... NIGHTMARES... !!!!!!

He'd Probably CLAIM...

"Virgil, that's not fare ! How dare you go there !"

Well... What Can I Say...
It's ONLY A JOKE For My RADIO SHOW... !!!!

I've Been Around *****...
Who've JOKED Bout' My Nose...  
My Skin and My LIPS... !!!

People Who CLAIM To Be...
DEVOUT... " Muslims "... ?!?

MORE Like... "Closet RACISTS"...
Who THINK Their Brown Skin...
Makes Them Into... " KINGS "...

Well NOT When Their Thinking...
... EMBRACES Such Things...

I've Been Around KINGDOMS That HOLD Scenic Visions...
Like MEXICAN Dominions With MAYAN Inscriptions...

I've Skied On BIG SLOPES of AUSTRIAN Snow... !!!
I've Smoked In Tunisia From Pipes of Fruit Shisha'... !!!!!

I've TOWERED In France... YES Eiffel Enhanced... !!!  
I've EVEN Been Sweden For Weekend Retreating... !!!

I've ENJOYED Wedding Vibes On Hong Kong Shorelines... !!!!
And YES Down in Maui I Tried Out THAT... " Wowee "... !!!!!!
And SEEN The U.S..... BOTH East Coast And West... !!!

So NOW You Can See Some Places I've SEEN...
And I Guess THIS For Me...
Is A Poem That SPEAKS On BIG V's History...

Well At Least A FAIR PIECE...
of Some of The Places...

To Which...

.... " I Have Been "....