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My mind is going weird again and hurting my head
I don't know what to make of it

I think
I want a male me
Or just me. I want another me. Doesn't necessarily have to be male. Can be female. Why not both. But I want another physical and spiritual embodiment of who I am as a person

A part of me just wants to hug and hold someone. And my head is automatically choosing said person, but the feeling of the mere hug and contact is overshadowing the identity of the person by a few degrees

I miss calloused hands roaming my body. And I miss body heat. I miss legs I can entangle mine with. I miss the crooks of necks. I miss snores emanating from a chest and hearing the rumble in the air from it. I miss tired faces resting and appearing destressed. I miss light groans as a body shifts positions in their sleep.

I think I can pinpoint what it is that I miss. Because although all sound like physical and verbal responses, it is not the actions, although they always go hand in hand.

I think I miss intimacy. But what is necessarily intimacy?
There's a few definitions as soon as one googles it
A close familiarity or closeness. A private, cozy atmosphere. A closeness of observation or knowledge of a subject.

My chest aches and pounds as I try to put my finger on what it is I'm searching for. The more it aches, the closer I am to finding my answer

Intimacy.
In-tih-mah-see.
In-to-me-see.
See-in-to-me.
Intimacy is to see in to me.
It is to let and allow someone to see you for who you are, to know what makes you a being.
But not necessarily in your head.

Intimacy is the knowledge of how another person's mind control's their body. How the body reacts to acts that can cause the mind to blank or move forward just off-beat of the body.

It's dragging your fingertips over their body and feeling the goosebumps rise as a laugh comes from the mouth over the words "popcorn butter is actually coconut oil with artificial flavoring" and feeling your eyes connect the dots between those goosebumps to their face and your brain noticing the connection between noises and nerve endings.

Intimacy is a weird state to be in. Because too much can cause the mind to blank and overload itself with serotonin and dopamine. All the while there is never enough time in the world to drag on that forever feeling
It's the act of getting lost in a person and discovering bits and pieces of how you affect said person.
In body, in mind, in response

I think I'm done because I don't know how else to frame my words. My head hurts and my chest pounds with equal force. I believe it's time for me to bid adieu and deal with this in the dreamscape
A collection of texts I sent to my friend while my thoughts ran rampant
Keiya Tasire Mar 2020
It is my belief, that at our core is a connection
with a deep “Inner Knowing."

It's abode resides within each of us.
At the point of deep silence.
Between our inhalation and exhalation
There is a point of stillness
In the quiet of our personal eternal now.

The Dove sitting quietly on her nest.
Do you call her an Angel?
Holy Spirit?
Or the Self Actulizing Higher self?
Or someing else?

A quiet knowing warms the heart
A scream or a shout you will never hear!
A quiet tender voice
Calling.

Without a doubt!  
Do you understand her deeper nature?

She is the Ancestor,
The Guru, The Teacher, The Guide, The Witness
The maintainer of Life itself.
Lovingly, tending to the questiions of your heart.

She comforts the destressed soul.
Tames the racing fears.
Dispells the wild winds of assupmtions!
Vigulant, never ceasing
Always enduring to the end.

Raising us up! 
We are a unified whole
Layers upon layers of energies
knit kindly togethter
With Her Love.
The deep inner knowing goes by differnt names in different religions and cultures across the world.  Yet this deep inner knowing has the same functions across the cultures.  May we take compfort in a brotherhood/sisterhood  across the globe.  I have been accused of seeing the world through "rose colored glasses" there are times that I absolutely agree.  Let's keep the rose colored glasses on to enjoy each other's compay and also to remind us that we are never alone, even in our aloneness there is comfort at the door.
Keiya Tasire Mar 2020
At our core is a connection
with a deep “Inner Knowing."

It's abode resides within each of us.
At the point of deep silence.
Between our inhalation and exhalation
A point of stillness
In the quiet of our personal eternal now.

The Dove sitting quietly on her nest.
Do you call her an Angel?
Holy Spirit?
Or the Self Actualizing Higher Self?
Or something else?
What ever you call her, it does not matter
She is a quiet knowing that warms  my heart.
A scream or a shout is never, her tender voice.

She leaves no doubt

Regarding deep nature, deep compassoin.
She is the Ancestor,
The Guru, The Teacher, The Guide, The Witness
The maintainer of life itself.
Lovingly, tending to the questions of your heart.

She comforts the destressed
Tames the racing fears.
Dispels the wild winds of assumptions!
Vigilant, never ceasing
Always enduring to the end.

Raising us up! 
Guiding each back into a unified soul.
Layers upon layers of energies
knit kindly together with Her Love.
Such wings as these!!
Oh Yes!  Take flight!!!
The deep inner knowing goes by different names in different religions and cultures across the world.  Yet this deep inner knowing has the same functions across the cultures.  May we take comfort in a brother/sisterhood  across the globe.  I have been accused of seeing the world through "rose colored glasses" there are times that I absolutely agree.  Let's keep the rose colored glasses on to enjoy each other's company and also to remind us that we are never alone, even in our aloneness there is comfort at the door.
Emily McClelland Sep 2017
Searching for silence.
The crackle of flame withering, dissipating the warmth,
Accentuating apprehension within a destressed mind.
How does one proceed knowing their existence is no more?
No one knows.
One may hope for rapture, devotion and calm,
But the last ember fades, and one knows not what to do.

— The End —