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Obadiah Grey Jun 2010
Bless all the barmaids that have ever lived
who carried featherlite, n knobbly ribbed,
who listened to waffle n crap I spoke
who granted liddle me, a slap n poke,
who parted ***** whilst in drunken stooper
n gave the bird, to the party pooper,
the big ones, the small ones, the fat n thin
god bless slappers, that invited me in,
bejeezus begorra, mag da horra,
bless all barmaids, I'll **** on the morra,
******* big ***, n the ones that pass gas,
god bless the ones that I’ve yet to harass,
for whisky, for beer, god bless ya m’dear,
even big sally; fer the gonorrhea.

Alan nettleton.
The bar  was empty .
The bartender like always made another run through making sure all was clean and in order.
When like some weird mental ninja she found someone sleeping in a booth.

The man seemed so peaceful lost in perfect drunken slumber.
So she did what any kind hearted soul who stumbled apon some sleeping drunk in a booth
would do.

Kicked the **** outta it and said.
Look ******* how many times have  I told you stop passing out here dont you have a *******
home!?

But this wasnt any regular drunken sleeping beuthy of a ******* .
It was everyones favorite drunken *******.
And the misspelling  madman of hello Gonzo.

Oh my lord someone  catch that donkey for he finds out Taylor Swift's in town.
Yes the kids went for a braindead bubblegum **** fest and  ended
up with nature show  or more like a donkey show  but what *******
hadnt been with Taylor Swift?

What the hell are you talking about.!
The barmaid said to me looking angry yet still there was that strange look of hey if this were a ****  something was about to happen.

Hey there Susan, Becky,Rebbeca whatever the hell your name is another round please.
Are you ******* nuts!
The woman seemed tense but I had to ask myself was this a trick question?

I thought long and hard yet stayed semi soft in thought that is get your mind outta the gutter ya perves.
Look miss lets not kid each other theres a reason im here besides the fact that im a drunk
that and im avoiding  the cops.
Cause duh!
No one would ever think to look for me in a bar.
Yeah you sit behind that bar looking at me asking  will that be all  but lets cut the crap.

The woman was silent  as I could tell there was a connection  on one of thoose
deep level's  like in one of thoose ******* romance books women read  
like the Notebook  yeah thanks Nicholas Sparks now women want you  to hang with em till they go senile and I like to usally leave after I   pay.

Not that I read that book.
What do ya think I am a ****** duh thats why they make movies.
It was for research only.
Well that and this chick I was trying to bang wanted to see it.
Look I had to go cause she was to young to go by herself.

Im kidding well kinda.
But enough with the foreplay hamsters.

Miss I  say we turn down the lights maybe put on some music have a couple cold one's.
You can serve cause you know after having a few drinks your not supposed
to operate heavy machinery.
Its a ******* bottle opener you idiot! she said.

Shh  I  said to this madien of the *****.
Yeah thats what grandad thought now look were he is?
He died ?
Yes he did and there isnt  a moment  I dont linger to hear him say
Hey **** for brains!
Get off your dead *** and get me a beer!

Wow he really sounds like a *****.
Yeah come to think of it he kinda was.
We sat there in silence togather deep in reflection yet not really cause it was
kinda dark and  everyone nothing refelcts in the dark  but some things
glow like condoms but thats enough about my glowstick.

Hey the barmaid asked.
Did he really die from using a bottle opener?
Well it was more of the semi truck's fault but if he hadnt of reached for that *******
he's probaly be here as we speak and I wouldnt be the only one.
Telling you you have a marvelous  set of *******.
Or annoying the **** outta you.

Look ****** I put up with annoying drunks everyday.
And when I say lastcall your cutting into my time.
So although you got nothing better to do  then drink your liver silly.
I wanna get the **** outta here.

So your saying you wanna go home maybe take a nice warm bath.
Walk around half naked call up your girlfriends wrestle and maybe make out.
While a strange demented man films the whole the thing or joins in cause  
im all about inprove acting  and filmaking.

It seemed this strange gatekeeper to the ***** wasnt a lover of the arts.
Cause befor you could whistle dixie while being spanked by a dwarf dressed as
Dolly Parton I was chased from the bar.

Cast into the cold depths of darkness and alone  it's okay.
it would'nt have worked out sure we coulda dabbled in the arts gotta a few thousand
hits off of a adult site really what romance doesnt start that way?

But me I was a  loner a cowboy who couldnt ride a horse  but hey someone has to break the ******* mold and besides  that's what cars are for.
So I was off but i'd see the barmaids face again  sure she had knocked me down
like a group of braindead teenie boppers would a security gaurd who stood
between them and Justin Bieber.

But are paths would cross again.
Duh im a drunk  and besides  it wasnt all a loss.
cause as she was pushing me out the door  I felt her ****.

See kids you always gotta look  on the brightside.

Untill next time stay crazy.      

Gonzo
TheTeacher Oct 2012
We took an impromptu trip to where you can have fun when it's real late. You don't have to leave the building ....but you can still get a date.

The lights are dim and there's a few flatscreens on the wall.  The barmaids are looking good and serving up the drinks. The music is pounding shaking the floor.....dollars are being thrown and the girls are looking for more.

The bottles are popping in VIP.....I'm just enjoying the eye candy that I see.
She approaches me from the rear and rubs her hand across my chest.  She says "You feel kind of tight....you must be stressed."

A slow song plays in the background .....and she begins to dance like a king cobra.  The only difference is that I wasn't afraid to hold her.  I pull her close and rub her like Aladdin's lamp.  My intentions are to make her damp.

We are transposed to a place where we are all alone....I whisper in her ear some sultry adjectives and verbs.....and her response are faint whispers...muffled words.  Syllables spoken,but nothing heard.

She grabs my hands and leads me around her temple. She takes my hand and makes me massage her *******.....and runs my hand down her legs.  Her attempt to make me beg for more.....and to get me on the other side of the door where I could pay to play.

She whispers in my ear that she is getting moist down below.  The question is if i want to continue the show.  The dance continues and she stops grinding on my *******.  Her eyes lock on me and she places the most seductive kiss upon my lips....

You are not like the other men who view me as a passing ship.  They want to slip their hands and money in my thong like they are paying a fare.

When they get off ....I'm just sitting there....waiting for the next one to come along.  I'm glad that you treat me with decency and respect.

She placed a kiss upon my neck........and said thank you and took her place on deck......the d.j. introduced her

Coming to the stage ......our featured dancer of the evening "Destiny".
She began to work the pole after she wiped it down.  I finished my drink and gave her one last look.....and made my way back uptown.

I thought about destiny on my way back home.......and smiled when she sent this text to my phone......"Since you left I feel all alone....I can't wait to lay next to you when I get home." "I Love you."

I'm your private dancer...I dance for your money. I'll do whatever you want me to do.
Lysander Gray Jul 2012
Empty glasses sit like soldiers at attention.
8 wide, 10 thick;
ranks for drunks.

The business of boredom
beats the barmaids and patrons
into service,
or subservience.

We are watched over
by flickering eyes
which could
stop
staring
at any moment.

Loneliness is a half-pint.

I'm glad my glass is full.

I'm glad the barmaid wears checks on her stockings.

I'm glad the barmaid reads.

I'm glad the economy is ******,
so economists have something to make them feel interesting.

I'm glad the lesbians found feminism;
instead of Jesus.

I'm glad for the sad eyed, gray haired drunks
that live off Marlboro Red's and dream-fumes.

I'm glad the roof is stained with memories:
postcards
sketches
photographs
an old box of pills.

And I love you because you're a *******.
Paul Butters Sep 2023
All these vultures hovering around their prey:
Three golden prizes
Who will get there first?
Cue David Attenborough on commentary!
Coupled and single lions
Prowling about
Waiting for the chance of food and drink.

That coffee takes ages.
Coffee?
Yes, for this is my local
And my pack and I
Are thoroughly enjoying our ale
With our lovely lunches
Served to us by beautiful barmaids.

Those golden prizes are the three front tables
From where you can see the golden sand:
On a beach
Dotted with distant tiny people
As some frolic in the estuary waves
On paddle boards,
Basking in the glorious sun.
Time for another pint.

Paul Butters

© PB 2\9\23.
Some people might recognise this. ;)
The haunted room was his. The haunted room was always his.
“A haunted room, fit for a haunted man,” they said, and the key hung untouched for months upon the hook, gathering dust and rust, and waiting for the day Topher Weiher would come down into town.
He liked this room, despite its sinister history. The disgruntled spirit of the strange Mountain Man was said to stalk this room, pacing its length with restless strides, unable to sleep, shrieking soundlessly into the gathering darkness like a banshee drunk on the thigh-meat of innocent barmaids.
The window where he stood was far enough from the cold of the river but close enough to hear the roar and roll of its waters. High enough to hear the beautiful aubades of dusk as the sun plummeted from the rumbling skies.
Standing at the window looking up at the red clouds, Weiher missed the days when songs were still sad.
“Some days you can still see him standing there, at the room window,” the town children would say in hushed voices. “The strange man, from the mountains,” they said, and Weiher could never really tell if they were talking about him or the ghost.
Edward Coles Mar 2015
I am sat here alone now
on Table 36. Still ****** in the afternoon
and maliciously lacking function.
Now eyes stray to the barmaids
without a grain of guilt;
indeed, with thirst and *******.
These words come fast and easy
in the humdrum silence
that followed from your chaos.

I have given up on hope,
sat at Table 36. Only placed in the future
and in the absence of action,
for the years I lost myself to you
I combed the mirror of life
in the hope to clean up my act.
Now words come easy
in this newborn retreat,
free from your pain,
free from your deceit.
C
Patrick Moloney May 2017
Edison’s last breath is in a jar in Michigan
Caught by his son as he died.
Where will my last breath have been by the time it travels through me?
Will it have been spit it the gutter of Mumbai?
Coughed by a panting Senator?
Was it a small sigh at a child’s amazement of a world just opening in his eye?
Will it have travel to space and back?
Was it farted into an airplane seat
Or laughed with a bit of spittle at some barmaids’ misfortune?
This air, this stuff, that expands and contracts us,
the universe even
doesn’t get the credit the heart does.
This invisible life
a language that travels well untranslated
by the heart or mind.
I know you by our breathes
shared exhalations, bits of us.
Air opens us- all of us- to living
from the Yogi to the thief.
Edison who breathed caught light into a jar
a thing unseen until then
now shines breath back at me from this screen
from all screens.
A chain–un broken
passed between us
exhaled into forever’s jar – our breathes
Colin E Havard Mar 2014
I nod pleasantly,
Not absorbing anything -
The wash of pub chat.

Hard tales from hard lives,
Flowing freely; dredged up
As the beers sink down.

I am an island,
Sinking beneath a haze of
Alcohol - lost; alone.

So many pretty things -
So few opportunities
To consolidate!

An alcoholic
Re:lives his past endlessly,
But forgets the now.

Those maudlin souls weep
Into their beers and berate
Lives they have wasted.

In isolation
I observe; ignored, immune;
Free to contemplate.

Pub microcosms
Reflect society's woes
Better than the news.

Friends and foes alike
Are welcome at my table -
But they must behave!

The cute barmaids laugh
At my idiotic quips -
But none take me home!

****-jockey's posing
And idiots simpering -
Lonely souls fishing.

The popular seek
Fawns to flame their ego and cry
When bucks out grow them.

My own company
Can become stale, but at least
I'm not one of them!

Their contempt washes
Over me, but I'll survive -
Laughing all the way!

Do I appear as
These Others? Reliant on
Mates to make me cool?

I see the Cougar -
Self-proclaimed, but warranted -
Prowling for fresh meat.

The sounds of the World
Can break asunder against
My protective walls.

Much information,
Absorbed inadvertently
At the pub - Useless!
27/5/2010
The Missing Link - Gaia's Boy Toy
Gaffer Nov 2015
Do I physically accommodate you these days
What
Would you say that I intensify your inner being
Intensy what
Do I subjugate your very person
Is this bed talk, cos you know I’m a simple fellow
Do you still have the same propensity towards my body as you used to have
Okay, think I know this word, *** in the woods, am I right
Would you say you’re sharp and sententious
If that means well endowed, defo
I don’t mind you being thick
Length and girth, womans dream
Dumb
Of course he’s dumb, too much talk
I mean you, you are dumb
What, wow, no need for insults
Last night in the bar
I was with you last night
Were you
Do believe I was sitting beside you, I’m the handsome guy
Sure you weren’t staring down the barmaids blouse all night
Actually, at times I thought you were ****** breast feeding
How much was the bill last night
What’s that got to do with it
Just asking
Don’t know, hundred, hundred and fifty
Nothing
What
She’s not the barmaid, she’s the owner, I deliver there, usually a bit extra, get it
Loud and clear
You’re an entrepreneur
That means big boy doesn’t it
It sure does, big boy, lets go.
DC raw love Sep 2015
At Club Studio 1016,
with a setting so clean....

Monica is her name,
and this club is her game....

Barmaids so smooth....
With a DJ with grove....

This club definitely hops,
in this new cool hot spot....

Upper 3rd is the place,
that takes the cake.....

Studio 1016,
this new place of dreams....
Jonathan Finch Feb 2017
The flags unfurled fly gloriously.
Tipsy barmaids fill the empty glasses
gleaming in the publight, frothy with beer foam
dripping from the fine-ground edges as I drink.
Where is yesterday? As lost as week-old flowers?
And regret that turns out pockets – is he gone as well?

I hear the flags flap grandly.
Cannons boom across the brimming beer.
A girl as young as any takes my arm
lifting me to the resurrection.
Voices mirror sounds
as soft as fish v’s in still water.
an early poem reprinted in "Poems People Liked (2)"
wichitarick Mar 2022
A Better Taste Than Kale


We Skipped the light appetizer
They had become such a bore
Restaurant was kinda *****, there were cockroaches on the floor
Place was so crowded we did know what was in store
Juke box humming harder as bugs flew across the ceiling
I told them I DIDN'T drink
as the waiter ran away............

So not much later she cried rather have a mater or a tater
Miss Miller SCREAMED her tale
In her face you could plainly see
She cried there has to be a better taste than KALE!

Vegetarian waiter returned and said "There is no reason"
The truth is obvious to ME !....Would not let Miss miller be!
Flavors quickly falling like a house of recipe playing cards
She said put the meat in the fire I am NOT one of the vegetarian virgins
who came in from the coast, oh my eyes were OPEN!
But the waiters were obviously closed!

So not much later she cried rather have a mater or a tater
Miss Miller SCREAMED her tale
In her face you could plainly see
She cried there has to be a better taste than KALE!

She said! We are home on shore leave, had plenty of ****** food at sea!
She was SCREAMING for her drinking glass and I was starting to agree !
Recalling King Neptune had warned us about barmaids named mermaid
She was smiling faintly and once again began her plea!

So not much later she cried rather have a mater or a tater
Miss Miller SCREAMED her tale
In her face you could plainly see
She cried there has to be a better taste than KALE!

Sound of music was stronger than the waiter who was a Queen
Didn't know the front from his own behind.
The truth is the restaurant was not very clean
We had not ordered, starting to eat the menu cardboard
Making us miss that ocean meal and the shipboard bed
Smells and sounds HER VOICE come quickly

So not much later she cried rather have a mater or a tater
Miss Miller SCREAMED her tale
In her face you could plainly see
She cried there has to be a better taste than KALE
Was for a prompt on the song "A WHITER SHADE OF PALE" so would help to look at those lyrics first,
Was in the Navy so that helped
Am a life long cook and well known to eat most anything but somehow the taste &"magic" of kale eludes me :(
Authors note! no vegetarians or waiters were offended in the writing of this poem :)  Thanks for reading,your thoughts are helpful. Peace. Rick
Traveler Jan 2021
(Romanticized not derogatory)

A bard is a poet
But not all poets are bards
I love to sing
And play my guitar

Dancing comes natural
Spinning on one toe
I take a gracious bow
Into a power pose

I’m more then the rest
My poetry’s the best
I recite the hero’s creed
I lead the chant
In a warrior stance
Into the violent streets

The news of the day
Rolls off of my tongue
Stanzas dressed to please
To the local tavern
The patrons run
To drink and brawl with me

Barmaids to breed
Sweet honey mead
The good life
Yes the good life indeed!
I make a loud toast
A salute to our host
Another round on me!
Traveler Tim

This Bards double as the bouncers
We all do our part

Traveling from place to place
It true
I am a
Itinerant Musician and Trader
I am a antique vendor with my own flea market
I write poetry and play guitar on stage whenever I can
Who knew the description of Bard would fit me so precisely.
Traveler Dec 2023
(Romanticized not derogatory)

A bard is a poet
But not all poets are bards
I love to sing
And play my guitar

Dancing comes natural
Spinning on one toe
I take a gracious bow
Into a power pose

I’m more then the rest
My poetry’s the best
I recite the hero’s creed
I lead the chant
In a warrior stance
Into the violent streets

The news of the day
Rolls off of my tongue
Stanzas dressed to please
To the local tavern
The patrons run
To drink and brawl with me

Barmaids to breed
Sweet honey mead
The good life
Yes the good life indeed!
I make a loud toast
A salute to our host
Another round on me!
Traveler Tim
He trudged on up from the great seaport
After a year at sea,
And in his mind was a single thought,
That thought was Emily.
He’d got her note when he disembarked
In the pouring, driving rain,
And read it under a single spark:
‘You may never come here again!’

‘Never come here again,’ it said,
What was that meant to mean?
The blood had rushed to his sailor’s head,
He conjured a nightmare scene,
He thought of the tidy garden path,
Of seeing a man at the door,
And Emily hiding behind his hat,
A man he’d not seen before.

Perhaps the year was too long to wait,
She hated it on her own,
He’d often suffered a lack of faith
That she could remain alone.
He’d conjured visions in distant ports
At the curious lack of mail,
While he had written his deepest thoughts
To post them before he sailed.

He’d thought of her at the village dance,
He’d thought of her down the street,
And meeting a friendly guy, perchance
Who would sweep her off her feet.
While he had suffered temptations too
At the taverns along the way,
The sparkling eyes of the barmaids there
When the ship put in for a stay.

But now he trudged in the driving rain
At that terrible time of night,
When shadows loomed to increase the gloom
That he felt, with never a light.
He’d struck a match when he’d read the note
But it fizzled in record time,
He’d only read when the match went out
The first, not the second line.

He felt his way up the garden path
And he paused, then knocked at the door,
His heart was there in his mouth at last
To the tread of a man, for sure.
The door swung open, a man stood there
A quizzical look in his eyes,
‘We didn’t expect you here so late,
But still, what a nice suprise.’

The sailor stood, was taken aback,
He hadn’t the words to say,
‘What have you done with Emily,’
His breath was taken away.
‘Your Emily’s moved, she went next door,
I see she’s burning a light,
You’d better get home, you’re living there,
She’s waiting for you tonight.’

David Lewis Paget
Mateuš Conrad Oct 2018
so once the flirting duo moved along to
the electric ballroom
down the road for some jiggy-jiggy wiggles
i walked into the world's end
and headed straight for the toilet,
started talking to a mate
while taking a ****, ended up buying
him a drink, with the offer he asked:
are you gay?
                    no... i just feel like talking...
he further inquired: why are these barmaids
looking at you as if they know you?
so i replied...
    i just have one of these faces...
people remember me like they remember
birthdays and Christmases...
so i bought a round, he bought a round,
but.... hmm... the whole encounter
pinnacled on: nothing short of a nuance
of a brief encounter...
music producers...
   he asked me who i thought was
the best producer...
    so i said, rick rubin....
he countered with timbaland...
because whatever he did with
       justin timberlake &
      nelly furtado...
         to which i countered...
         come on...
                    what didn't rick rubin
do with johnny cash?!
and there was nothing original about
it for most of the time...
just the covers...
        we parted in good spirits
and...                oh ****... yeah...
snogging that girl...
   i still don't know how i'm somehow
appealing, when i have the chance
to... charm.
Mitchell Dec 2017
Liquor store romance
Prayers in the gallery
Behind China #5
Mysteries of curly friends and
Barmaids named Gretchen
Line cooks cold cocking their ruebens
Faking fornification
Making something into nothing
Destroying the dopamine
Riddling the relatives with fake stories
Of glorious mismatched and useless education
Trying hard to try hard
Everyday
A notebook with nothing in it
Letters turn into words that turn into paragraphs
That turn into pages that turn into chapters
That turn into Acts that turn into End
Flower petals assess the scenery
Decide to die
Connecting to robotic friendship
The only time I feel at home is when I'm asleep
Sometimes with the page
Not tonight though
Tonight I feel I have nothing to say
Nothing to give
Nothing to feel
Like nothing is new
Today all I'm good for is ingesting
Taking
Giving nothing for I have nothing
Even my voice is shallow, thin, void of empathy
Interest, love, friendship, curiosity, zeal
Whispers wane on disregarded street corners
Take me back so I can try again
I don't feel like taking a step in the right direction
What are day time naps a sign of?
A hero is a mask of the times
Though what they give is never enough
Temporary alleviation to a permanent problem
What a weight we are, us humans
It's ok to not think right now, he says
It's ok to think that I'm a girl too, she says
I say, let it be known that Jesus never rose
Never bled
Never pushed the rock away for our sins
There is a darkness here
It tastes like peppered olive oil and train station air
A taxi honks for you and you wave
Take me for granted, says the voice
Take me for a ride once and a while
It's not like we never have a good time when we do
Are you upset with me? He asks.
Are you upset with me? She asks.
The barriers are cracking and we're running out of water
A myth is a mirror to the world
Telling us there is universality in un-truths
There is only the here, the now, and the nothing,
Fleeting emotion
Like flies scattered from a corpse
Near my end I found a shoe box
    full to the brim with IOU's I'd
    written over my lifetime to those
    I loved most. They indulged all
    my erratic allegiance and suffered
    kindly my drunken promises to try
    harder tomorrow. If IOU let this
    last promise be a paid in full?
    After all each one of you made
    this beautiful madness possible.

    I stood on broad shouldered men
    who showed me how to live in bars
    and barmaids who showed me gentle
    love among neon and smoke stained
    rooms. We had hard scars and broke
    bones and blood in our hair but we
    showed them what the Irish can do.
    We rise from the dead each day with
    a song in our hearts and ready for
    a hard days work. We do it all again.
Aditya Roy Jun 2020
If I put my feet in your shoes
I will keep talking to you
You shall follow me
If you have a bit of love
Then, we can see it through

A memory of us
In an envelope for when my heart is broken
Smiling ponderously and drinking my gin
What do you take your ice in
Be prepared, here is where we meet

A bunch of flowers with thorn'd ends
With a hint of sarcasm, the barmaids hold you
We welcome you to the new day
Fractured and insecure
We will be
Count to three, when we as one
Shall be released

The new day approaches
When the falcon hears the falconer's call
The sparks fly awry
While the lightning claps under clouded sky
I said if we count to three
We will be released
Do you trust the revolutionary?
A cheeky effort on my part.

— The End —