Test Ting Won To Tree
Rifleman decal water is to Tiny basket liners as Strained yo-yo string is to?
Dark wool glowing is to Oldest lost oddity as First genetic engine is to?
Black quail taint is to Nut curdled paint as Hemp biscuit dominoes are to?
Steam traced paper is to Lemon ash vapor as Digital midget wig is to?
Eccentric brine mimes are to Electric silk slacks as Spark formed lava is to?
Sunchoked black hornets are to as Rescued orphan doves as Retold cat jokes are to?
Hand traced videos are to Braided rubber spines as Opal rain dancers are to?
Halogen anchor gong is to Annoying bread portraits as Soft bracelet lockers are to?
Old troll bios are to Select cherub echoes as Broken matchstick parasols are to?
Dome nine chariots are to Frayed lunar remnants as Fuming honey flasks are to?
Bluing assault operas is to Beading fluted flowers as Magnetic lawn tweezers are to?
Converted flea sponges are to Floating dog murals as Frozen Archie comics are to?
Molded road pads are to Crusty gumdrop thread as Straw ribbed pelicans are to?
Inflatable diamond vowel is to Single gender raffle as Groovy desert coffee is to?
Temporary solution radiation is to Idiotic witness mumble as Motorized marshmallow kit is to?
Panoramic utopian paranoia is to Aggravated pimp silhouettes as Unhinged gun sellers are to?
Homesick ghost pajamas is to Virtuous fly fungus as Royal sandpaper gloves are to?
Gangster hayride tickets are to Deer milk Oreos as Turnip fairy maps are to?
Glue gun porn is to Nocturnal cabin mice as Cab fare corn is to?
Speckled fish nickels are to Under water bric-a-brac as Epic snakeskin paisley is to?
Twinkie bungalow pranks are to Drowsy vapid oafs as Quantized cavern fish are to?
Raunchy snail kimono is to Coiled time dice as Smeared equator malt is to?
Metallic centaur franchise is to Transparent cheese chess as Spotted glacial remnants is to?
Sky fused pong is to Rustic mothers brattle as Granulated canister ointment is to?
Overgrown maze mule is to Mated smugglers hugging as Floating thesaurus exam is to?
Sliding coed sprinkler is to Soapy whitefish rebate as Precious lamb diaper is to?
Mushy acorn luster is to Lilac protein rings as Slapstick wrestler dialect is to?
Freaky plankton bells is to Rolling horse divorce as Morphing morphine lips are to?
Sticky razor sparkle is to Emerald muscle spasm as Glaring cat cipher is to?
Peppy unisex mustache is to Pelican fighter syndrome as Clumping night grumble is to?
Scanning paired pearls are to Ruby rubbed roaches as Satanic sailor flotsam are to?
Glowing asteroid solder is to Ideal shark data as Failed frail doilies are to?
Numb nuts boredom is to Fantastic icy phantoms as Sporadic silk creations is to?
Crooks crow chow is to Loading spackled bonder as Gargled snowdrop blasters are to?
Outdid myself today is to Outside myself again as Outlived myself controls is to?
Venting shuttlecock upset is to Texting badminton kitten as Settler tested motels are to?
Prepare paired vents is to Prefer paid events as Pretender predicts fiction is to
Crunchy mental fender is to Catching mentor menace as Poorly seasoned lettuce is to?
Outside sidewalk inside is to Seaside outcast input as Sideways landslide victory is to?
Compile fake password is to Compost world poo as Compose village anthem is to?
Crooked crotch blunder is to Loud crowd thunder as Divine vine finder is to?
Chucks’ wooden truck is to Bucks good luck as Sticky ducks tucked is to?
Overhaul underway overseas is to Overturned downsized pickup as Underground onramp overloaded is to?
I’ll bite there is to Aisle byte their as Isle bight there is to?
Gnat gnawed wrist is to Boned show beans as See through putty is to?
Flapping floppy guppies are to Buzzing zipped dozers as Muddy bloody strippers are to?
Dark diagonal dialogue is to Diabolical dihedral die as Interesting circadian exposition is to?
Experimental flossing expectations are to Waxed dental traps as Permanent impermanence resolution is to?
Outran ringside intrigue is to Sidetracked onboard boatload as Loaded firearm topside is to?
Phony floozy phone is to Chewy ego honey as Yogi Mama’s dada is to?
Nimble teardrop squiggle is to Humble cage curtains as Loyal truckstop morals are to?
Torching curled elastic is to Sonic neighbor clamor as Golden droplet integers are to?
Duplex pupil scanners are to Nacreous cloud clocks as Shrouded flute shops are to?
Lawn rocket tendrils are to Finding surreal borders as Sheep monarchs children is to?
Gloating ungloved squires are to Busting double doubters as Pushing woeful doctors are to?
Tricking snowbelt firedogs is to Panmixing blackened haywires as Unclothed shameful leaders are to?
Malicious ranch ritual is to Internal puppet bubble as Ornate underworld masquerade is to?
Rustic debonair Eskimos are to Mindless sassy elves as Gorgeous somber acrobats are to?
Learned earthy pimps are to Fearless sneaky Queens as Somber gentle vagrants are to?
Shocking horse wear is to Glossy sled fluid as Damaged chipmunk tongue is to?
Traditional agony chart is to Damp voodoo motel as Backwoods museum quote is to?
Magical cat cabin is to Dapper porpoise humor as Malicious graveyard foam is to?
Therapeutic gazelle cushion is to Stored alibi equipment as Stunning tempo light is to?
Fantastic rascal art is to Wasted prune dust as Jupiter’s midget law is to?
Little nut razor is to Gigantic hyena shield as Hourglass pillow fever is to?
Coiled rain clouds are to Dizzy tycoon clowns as Lime eating cowards are to?
Possessive epicurean demonstrators are to Faded eavesdropping giants as Determined swanky drunks are to?
Aquatic preview pocket is to Soggy judicial topiary as Finicky hamster fabric is to?
Enlarged fruit cuff is to Obedient mumbling orchestra as Dark tenant tariff is to?
Recycled flash thermometer is to Botched temptation probe as Pet glider grid is to?
Seriously shy idols are to Costly driving perfumes as Ferryboat chapel wine is to?
Winged jalopy details are to Faithful spectral fathers as Sprinkled mint rainbows are to?
Spelling unneeded words is to Sprouting donut flaps as Blaming mellow mallrats are to?
Eroding loom keepsake is to Magnificent accordion canoe as Dirty bongo fumes are to?
Souring violet ink is to Juvenile insult park as Periodic ferret envy is to?
Obedient boyfriend aroma is to Sanitized fat lozenges as Dramatic jailer garb is to?
Mysterious patrol group is to Dynamic maiden discharge as Captured hurricane ratio is to?
Lackadaisical bigot bingo is to Oblong care merchant as Expensive swamp shampoo is to?
Petite orifice worship is to Atomic barge pet as Plucked hair exhibit is to?
Elite officer wallop is to Automatic yard rake as Healing climax glitter is to?
Needless swan costume is to Giant jungle goat as Organic picnic napkin is to?
Leaky jet steam is to Innovative fascist whistle as Enchanting idol evidence is to?
Plastic mascara seduction is to Greasy thermal ointment as Attractive muskrat crease is to?
Lucky camel pills are to White coral Torah as Eternal stage clutter is to?
Roasted oat lube is to Sloppy rum glue as Nylon table debt is to?
Steep nook catastrophe is to Empty dome damage as Pulsing breeze powder is to?
Empty sack power is to Hitched buck stroke as Red claw warning is to?
Ultra brief slogan is to Yummy lab mutant as Pathetic ball armor is to?
Nauseating fish splatter is to Obstinate rectal twitch as Strained prick coffee is to?
Mezzanine intermission fossil is to Proven slut apathy as Golden duck shroud is to?
Civil tutors torment is to Thor’s posted theory as Yellow melon rain is to?
Immense olive raft is to Exploding kangaroo buffet as Ethereal witness index is to?
Marching dark speeders are to Searing scribble fighters as Weed tripping sinners are to?
Seeping viral angst is to Aged hermit tea as Murky bowl nibble is to?
Condensed blister guzzle is to Pink dorsal pie as Lavish speckled runt is to?
Needy insult poet is to Sedated acorn trader as Dry honey zoo is to?
Veiled trust flicker is to Deranged poser fashion as Flat sizzle tangent is to?
Purified diet spray is to Nebulous wishing target as Thrilling screen dope is to?
Majestic ribbon astronomy is to Bizarre formation sector as Rebel bell gimmick is to?
Sealed dart whisper is to Green silk draft as Cold vacuum varnish is to?
Clumsy raven power is to Insect island circus as Minted mink drapes are to?
Curved map ruler is to Tiny lethal radio as Blue fused metal is to?
Inverted laser invasion is to Damp sheep dump as Puffy gown smoke is to?
Saucy Channel blazer is to Leather goat filament as Starched locomotive hat is to?
Broken jumper leads are to Disgraced mini exorcists as Designer shamrock caulk is to?
Tweaked poachers smokes are to Assorted sulfur pathways as Collected bedlamp trickle is to?
Twinkie bungalow pranks are to Drowsy vapid oafs as Quantized cavern fish are to?
Crawling battle worms are to Vibrating metal pedals as Mentholated matrix wax is to?
Missing meshed rafts are to Liquid rock pipes as Crinkled bean bikinis are to?
Tithing nude joggers are to Perforated buck fronds as Leather zither picks are to?
Fearing truthful cowards is to Rambling preachers mumble as Gazebo ambulance gasoline is to?
Shelving elder’s whiskers is to Poaching goalies pesto as Radical tricycle angst is to?
Mucky gunboat polymer is to Primeval maypole flameout as Cathedral greenhouse intercom is to?
Diaphanous safety prize is to Unleashed saucer lion as Dorky blonde ropewalker is to?
Tapered spring meter is to Silver silo mythology as Misguided judges medallions are to?
Alligator x-ray money is to Cherry unicorn water as Coyote cactus toy is to?
Cowardly dorm scrooge is to Atomized pewter script as Flattened spore smoothies are to?
Trash can yodel is to Flashing wired spam as Exploding chocolate pudding is to?
Sonar blasted bushings are to Threading ruined wheels as Forty shifting boxes are to?
Tiny balloon rebellion is to Softened square cleanser as Iconic soul sucker is to?
Harmony night light is to Spanish nitrogen desire as Squirrel cavern iodine is to?
Lazy winter secret is to Slow airport widget as Silly mustard binder is to?
Elephants raising raisins are to Microscopic lamb planet as Purple hay puppets are to?
Caribou venom vaccine is to Electronic lemonade choir as Demonic princess massage is to?
Beet coated bridge is to Fattened needle point as Mylar monkey spine is to?
Ashy ink dust is to Youngest rabbi planet as Orange cartoon geometry is to?
Cold green chalk is to Cobalt ladder farce as Dirty river filters are to?
Sublime sheep master is to Sleeping past rapture as Subliminal bliss jelly is to?
Ocean crust slippers are to Twigged germ radar as Popping sharpie scope is to?
Zen wrapped beep is to Oak foamed code as Wicked flashing sizzle is to?
Dew eyed sleigh is to Say I do as Act as me is to?
Humpback on hammock is to Ham hocking hummer as Hunchback with knapsack is to?
Corned flag jelly is to Draped wing chewers as Tripping swan acid is to?
Futuristic Rembrandt chant is to Almond likened meadows as Asian timber blue is to?
Nap in sack is to Flap on Jack as Ducks dig crack is to?
Flowing flavored lava is to Gleaming optic layers as Enhanced goose gibberish is to?
Flag tied pajamas are to Saline checker choir as Speed reading quotas is to?
Whipped spam spasms are to Misted shaman scripture as Testing pitched bells is to?
Cave aged eggs are to Crowded tiger cages as Bloody wagon pegs are to?
Pigeon towed car is to a Man toad art as Wolf whisker wish is to?
Second hand clothes are to Minute hand gestures as Final hour prayer is to?
Slick wicked shavers are to Tricky watch boxes as Sprouting pine tattoos are to?
Waxed stick ravens are to Match stick foxes as Narrowed thermal towers are to?
Ice cave rice is to Laced face lice as Gourmet pet meth is to?
Diamond lane anniversary is to Space age appropriate as Time travel agency is to?
Lime bark violin is to Lemon twig guitar as Lunar sky waffles are to?
Fake rat fart is to Smart cake batter as Rugged fur tax is to?
Tarred raft fluff is to Flaked rafter dust as Lined liquor flask is to?
Flakes will fall is to Take Bills call as Broken maze compass is to?
First faked voter is to Entombed cartoon honey as Smallest aching smurf is to?
Fancy bared nipples are to Flaky fairy treats as Kings amp filter is to?
Bone window folio is to Whittled fake pillow as Little fitted jackets are to?
Nine nuts brittle is to Ate pear pie as Six packed poppers are to?
Incandescent playground pencil is to Elastic hand worm as Perfumed piano ink is to?
Opal shifting anode is to a Windup lion decoy as Pale paisley trolley is to?
Stacked black boxes are to Old packed tracks as a Throwing micron hammers is to?
Apricot bark furnace is to Merry Orchid Choir as an Ivory rinsing funnel is to?
Narcotic honey nuts are to Slick flag toffees as Silk fig sugar is to?
Orange coin raisins are to Low note candies as Smelling balled roses is to?
Pocket packed monotints are to Tragic ladder hayracks as Ravishing speed traders are to?
Crayon spider resin is to Coral squirrel forceps as Wolf tumbled loaf is to?
Silver wheat flies are to Width shifting wheels as Golden blister blankets are to?
Really tiny hippopotamus is to Masked fat podiatrist as a Sad sack psychiatrist is to?
Miniature Mesopotamian monuments are to Apple minted elephants as Raising wise ravens is to?
Lathered nymph nacre is to Sonic ion constellations as Concealed iron craft is to?
Epic gene toy is to Ladies bubble sled as Jagged data bowl is to?
Bugged dagger bag is to Pop sliced meld as Atom bending moonlight to?
Rural madam’s deed is to Dyed dew dipper as Eight sprayed dukes are to?
Jiffy grand puffer is to Floating altar myth as Vintage dark mirth is to?
Undercover overnight underwear is to Overpaid undertaker overdosing as Overheard understudy freebasing is to?
Black grape crackle is to Red cactus ruffle as Installing padded pets are to?
Snide snobs sniffing are to Sneaky snails snoring as Snared snipes sneezing are to?
Exploring explosive exits is to Explaining expansive exports as Expecting expert exchange is to?
Shrewd logic ledger is to Puppets dropping cupcakes as Placated topaz octopi are to?
Door roof tools are to Cool wool boots as Wood cooked root is to?
Bright fight light is to Night flight fright as Mites bite site is to?
Floor flood fluid is to Wooden door Druid as Nasty poop broom is to?
Accurate police photography is to Intelligent microbe geography as Condensed aerosol biography is to?
Cowardly cowboy grime is to Corpulent corporate crime as Bosnian dwarf necromancer is to?
Jell-O clearing shaker is to Brillo cleaning shiner as Cheerios bowling shields are to?
Mumbled mindless hokey is to Fumbled found money as Humming kinder bunny is to?
Daisy’s clock setter is to Lilly’s boxer toxin as Poodles rose paddle is to?
Watch Bozo Copernicus is to Hire Clarabelle Newton as Find Pee-wee Einstein is to?
Amethyst thistle whistles is to Lapis pistol whip as Diamond bomb scar is to?
Dandelion seahorse rescue is to Crabapple dogwood farm as Faux foxglove lover is to?
Optical poppy stopper is to Polar halo lens as Day-Glo rainbow sticker is to?
Savanna leopard spotted is to Eskimo lassos kisses as Alligator lemonade standard is to?
Bill of Rights is to Will of left as Thrill of night is to?
Baptize floozies quickly is to Useless outsized nozzles as Puzzled wizard wanders is to?
Chaps wearing chaps are to Chaps contesting contests as Consoling concealed consoles is to?
Quiet squirming squirrels are to Aeon beauty queens as Queasy greasy luaus is to?
Knew new gnu is to Sense scents cents as We’ll wheal wheel is to?
Blazing zingers ringing are to Wheezing singers flinging as Freezing finger number are to?
Lamb tomb jogger is to Dumb numb thug as Thumbed crumb bug is to?
Blue accordion casket is to Jaded scholar vomit as German mushroom circus is to?
President George Flintstone is to Funny Fred Washington as Abraham Jetson’s dog is to?
Google Desmond Tutu is to Kalamazoo Zoo Park as Zodiac actors Guru is to?
Swamp cradled whisperer is to Cherished drawbridge cello as Bludgeoned prankster outlaws are to?
Dukes pink mittens are to Smeared nest caravan as Miniature fire trucks are to?
Duck village avatar is to Corona garden ogre as Mini Martian treasures are to?
Melting razor anvils are to Phased tanning lamps as Metered photon spacers are to?
Masked vergers tagging are to Zapped roadies muskets as Cutting paper newts is to?
Popes pest dagger is to Turtle dawn bong as Dream bending tea is to?
Pilot’s vital vial is to Crystal pepper clouds as Red plastic socks are to?
Sleeping deco mice are to Dove pecked ginger as Stitched candy witches are to?
Vivid sugar nougat is to Giant clam tiara as Velvet halo omen is to?
Pawned awning tablet is to Coiled round poppy as Coal black slug is to?
Humping mole mites are to Crushed wheel arrows as Wireless flower syringe is to?
Ten spinning plates are to Tense pinning plays as Tents winning ways are to?
Cracked pepper shells are to Violent star static as Franks’ rubber domino is to?
Crown Newport pine is to Copper birth pods as Anterior hub stains are to?
Aqua dot motor is to Nine banded rod as Floral army ruse is to?
Looped impala tide is to Creeping toffee trestle as Erroneous aberrant hayseed is to?
Drooling troll doll is to Elk powered anthem as Ozone rat genome is to?
Short fuse ions are to Fixed mode divinity as Fabled frog moth is to?
Frosted Parisian scone is to Drilling phased phones as Fading alloy allies is to?
Bulging cream pie is to Nut drained pastries as Narrow tailed vixens are to?
Tapered wing tapestry is to Post gift tangle as Peeled strutting strays is to?
Faithful boater baiting is to Beak draining bone as Moronic intuition train is to?
Idiotic ditch clock is to Taffeta confetti hat as Foolish daffodil dialog is to?
Manual towel barge is to Orbiting bug cage as Rawboned reptile scales is to?
Chinese lace noodles are to Singing metallic chopsticks as Trapping mollusk jelly is to?
Spotted ice cats are to Chime lashed moccasins as Dusty cracker vats are to?
Synthetic pink fur is to Red ink crumble as Flaky flute fruit is to?
Silky clay feet are to Soaking collegiate dogs as Moth eating sheep are to?
Enticing plastic fumes are to Motorized stroller lanes as Zoned virtue manifesto is to?
Penthouse grammar trance is to Lazy naive critics as Dolphins heart channel is to?
Twin ballroom pranksters are to Floating old stallions as Stolen gold chariots are to?
Gin soaked map is to Operatic Rasta pot as Chasing polka dots is to?
Dithered zoo pixels are to Lavish slim brunettes as Foam bubbled lace is to?
Abracadabra focused pokes are to Armored flower jokes as Red wax lion is to?
Jumping measles cure is to Roped canal forces as Silver ladle equinox is to?
Apostle light cones are to Dormant pixie bats as Puffed white circles are to?
Morbid crayon secretion is to Warm parrot eggs as Wet baby horses are to?
Levitating geode wrapper is to Ornate foiled cobra as Boiling coiled poles is to?
Gagged rivals toboggan is to Salacious tepee atrium as Invisible spider tattoo is to?
Green witches milk is to Oiled fur boat as Fox blended muck is to?
Glorious spontaneous remedy is to Magi reunion ritual as Pasted adrenal divot is to?
Coconut hallway spray is to Fractal fossil pit as Bloated stoic boas are to?
Linking green puddles is to Vortex splash magic as Lifelike ram monument is to?
Fortified troll festival is to Moss playboy usher as Groggy fish dentist is to?
Candy ribbon bourbon is to Lazy sapphire wine as Zircon blossom bingo is to?
Kashmir bison catapult is to Cashmere mouse radar as Amish billiard champ is to?
Amoeba crater maps are to Sinking apple rings as Soda frog babble is to?
Dappled blue dachshund is to Apricot fire mystery as Frosted ginger club is to?
Splattered ghost dew is to Red court scholar as Pearl chinchilla talon is to?
Sequential aquarium equinox is to Opaque quantum liquid as Marmalade invader scalp is to?
Nocturnal badger logo is to Avalon nerve nets as Thickened raven twine is to?
Ripened seed salon is to Clock flipping skink as Shunning pitied pilots is to?
Barking circus fleas are to Clustered pod buzzards as Rock spitting birds are to?
Dove cage pharmacy is to Purple poison antidote as Cellophane cell phone is to?
Sap chained bandicoot is to Limestone saddle track as Raspberry butter water is to?
Transparent waterfall goggles are to Altered spark rockers as Tibetan flotation tourists are to?
Bug licked leaves are to Swollen star stamen as Gloomy neon haze are to?
Pick pocket cowboy is to Poisonous light bulb as Chrome topped trestles are to?
Fire pumped peppers are to Rat flavored crackle as Flaming orange poop is to?
Manchurian panther vodka is to Heated cat crystal as Pirated pillow puzzles are to?
Porcelain pine cone is to Neutered pelican glue as Stone age moonbeam is to?
Hallow weathered feather is to Willow feathered heather as Cathedral monarchs marching are to?
Reindeers teardrop cup is to Salty jeweled butterfly as Velvet martini rancher is to?
Altered jester stain is to Diminished chewing barrel as Insects graphite portrait is to?
Clearing atoned heroine is to Toy pusher pump as Flowing plumed clouds are to?
Sparked rapping pellets are to Sacrificial lake creature as Blurred algebra steam is to?
Nagging cordial lady is to Grave stone gravel as Meshed nylon joints are to?
Tall king yawning is to Fountain bottled throttle as Correlated cocoon elation is to?
Resented sparrow files are to Risqué kissing parks as Lewd mood covens is to?
Parchment heart paradise is to Elated well stories as One ton eyelid is to?
Minted twig quiche is to Complex moon tableaux as Driftwood movie monster is to?
Kerosene carpet gym is to Eve’s atom apple as Sprouting stoned smiles is to?
Chained squatter rite is to Noah predicted ducting as Neural gun unity is to?
Inked bubble noises are to Rooted lakers rocking as Royal soul relish is to?
Expanding panda verandas is to Commander Randi’s handler as Newest aging jails is to?
Cackling spaghetti twins are to Misted fortress fauna as Riding butter cranes are to?
Slapping knighted knuckles is to Calf chewed chalk as Phonetic parakeet stencil is to?
Salted fossil flags are to Frozen felt cushions as Quartz martini straws are to?
Hand traced videos are to Braided rubber spines as Opal rain dancers are to?
Historic dovetailed rewards are to Folded roach molds as Majestic cryptic fulcrums are to?
Terminal fowl taxes are to Sailing glued wheels as Creamed goat fumes are to?
Smashed cotton stockings are to Shriveled mango pits as Chocolate holiday spackle is to?
Bronze furnace crumbs are to Flaming nougat bouillon as Neon target markers are to?
Glistening shade plungers are to Scrambled shifting shafts as Cramped titanic nomads are to?
Unwashed orphan figurines are to Mammal bowling shoes as Stretched rubber vowels are to?
Snail etched lapis is to Submarine anthem cocktail as Protein discovery rage is to?
Elected duck blaster is to Jigsaw antler frost as Boiled car parts are to?
Diluted sun drops are to Hawk bone vinegar as Plundered shelf cork is to?
Royal opiate globules are to Flared platonic vessels as Flying brandy patches are to?
Tucked fish pillows are to Hazelnut chimney wafers as Obsolete holster charms is to?
Shadowed floating dice are to as Blotched nut color as Repaired thermal vacuum is to?
Graphite bowler’s patio is to Tanned yogi artists as Botanical glacier carvings are to?
Spinning piano towers are to Military dog medals as Caffeinated margarine crackers are to?
Pickled turkey wattles are to Thin rocket grommets as Sculpted stooge fudge is to?
Chalk nesting microbes are to Flapping pulsed banners as Pure iron loafers are to?
Magnetic water trout are to Manic teaching vouchers as Winged thunder sages are to?
Hypodermic splinter shrapnel is to Helical sponging option as Antique thorn javelins are to?
Charcoal toothpick points are to Pan fried peyote as Tribal locksmith ethic is to?
Banished Roman butchers are to Tragic squid trophies as Crumbling gluepot anger is to?
Bleached arrow parallax is to Airborne sneaker trajectory as Erotic fowl relays are to?
Scrambled fashion frocks are to Swanky swan boats as Failed pilot morphine is to?
Death feather archives are to Pork chowder flushing as Lackeys pudding trowel is to?
Tonal vipers vapor is to Patched spider traps as Knotted soap daisies is to?
Hang glider bonfire is to Stashed reefer gushers as Intergalactic pray phones is to?
Verdant skater verdict is to Rotting gourd roots as Robotic taxi doctors are to?
Flowing crooner coral is to Big banging microwave as Wasted termite parkway is to?
Lumberjack’s vineyard stopwatch is to Rowboats anchor strap as Chewed raisin nets are to?
Throbbing migraine strobe is to Telescoping fly pods as Suburban throat fudge is to?
Painted beast fang is to Toad gas converter as Rude bridal posture is to?
Worm smudged grapefruit is to Red moleskin gloves as Timid antelope retreat is to?
Dish location docket is to Privileged orangutan checkers as Brunch table rickshaw is to?
Mechanical piano tuner is to Whitefly calendar laminate as Paired fishing limousines is to?
Grimy fiddle furrow is to Plastered clown smackers as Card holster latch is to?
Supine maggot cargo is to Furry waterbed bug as Lavish nutmeal emulsion is to?
Polar slime awareness is to Sturdy gherkin tablet as Funky subterranean gradient is to?
Stored chimney tile is to Tingled gorillas mingling as Linoleum channel changer is to?
Botched boot clasps are to Vented dungeon vaults as Backyard beamer spore is to?
Machete lug nuts are to Spunky pumpkin cakes as Patching ragged charities are to?
Vaseline trampoline murder is to Scottish sculptor goggles as Dwarfed mirror radish is to?
Soft mirage balcony is to Ocean thimble noise as Singing clouds cabin is to?
Crushing spotted wrinkle is to Cracking rotted twinkle as Broken racers linger are to?
Blank linked chapters are to Beatnik particle debate as Jubilant dribbling heresy is to?
Misleading vacancy bookings is to Flustered skeptic tingle as Oak trench fallacy is to?
Burbank coat survey is to Antique snowball waffle as Tinsel jigger vermin is to?
Wasted flyspeck nightcap is to Flavored quasar treaty as Aborigine biker frenzy is to?
Sliding shower latch is to Hidden snow catcher as Redden thinnest data is to?
Combat poser stance is to Decomposing time prize as Surprising battle secrets are to?
Commuters depressing confessions are to Domestic sport fortunes as Computer dresses rabbit is to?
Hippie pipe piece is to Pierced pie groupie as Piedmont blue sharpie is to?
Hillside sidekick duped is to Blindsided ironsides scooped as Sidestep curbside poop is to?
Winged sword tax is to Tented tribal trash as Wooden watch working is to?
Submissive dancers trance is to Flashing bulb séance as Glaring award radiance is to?
Blowout dark fires are to Handout spark flyers as Freaky outside liars are to?
Dripping waterspout trout is to Dropping scout quartet as Knowing knuckle knives is to?
Titanic ear pop is to Tube room debutante as Modern courting lark is to?
Roaming medieval shouter is to Knitted cake knobs as Coded zipper faze is to?
Lost knowledge knot is to Multipart dart art as Fijis Bee Gees are to?
Numb dawn cavalry is to Windsock chandelier apron as Macaroni mask reduction is to?
Violent chomping knockers is to Vanquished grouchy fighters as Ridge faxed copters are to?
Glazed funk holes are to Hoisting fruit ringlets as Spongy vouchers bouncing are to?
Roaming modern ducklings are to Blocked archdukes cracking as Sketching stitched smidgeons is to?
Energetic closet divas are to Naked misfit hunters as Wretched sloppy tarts are to?
Raspy brash directors are to Abrasive gene stingers as Trite wreaked writers are to?
Protective evaporation headgear is to Classy weasel broth as Electric pyramid shame is to?
Youthful governor effect is to Attic raccoon nostalgia as Jealous koala madness is to?
Ossified fur paddle is to Boring oval piffle as Cowardly dolphin vaccine is to?
Pointless juvenile lexicon is to Obscene gesture acne as Fertile zoom strategy is to?
Old alarm matrix is to Animated demon stench as Twitching kangaroo grotto is to?
Temporary insomnia quilt is to Colossal spurt discovery as Evasive universal mosaic is to?
Forged ledge trigger is to Hamper hamster transfer as Hobo fluid tremor is to?
Burning bush pilot is to Mundane picnic weakness as Placid possum gesture is to?
Crass combat chuckle is to Vengeful camper technique as Fuzzy squirrel wisdom is to?
Strange cheetah logic is to Tiger tavern chuckles as Moving yacht statues are to?
Absurdly named whiskey is to Friendly lesson catalog as Epic apex rapture is to?
Sugar card war is to Moldy failed weapon as Roaring jumper hare is to?
Forked valley resentment is to Yellow teenage laundry as Cured paper socks are to?
Purple kissing frog is to Damaged cantaloupe experiment as Dented tin marinade is to?
Early zit rash is to Folded scenery stitch as Mind gutter gauze is to?
Orbiting robot amendment is to Radiant muzzle radius as Synthesized dignity therapy is to?
Buffed lute fingers are to Pickled gonad cream as Burnished clock rods are to?
Coyote dream filter is to Heartbreaking hate reserve as Festive verse fallacy is to?
Red amulet agony is to Sad patchwork melody as Cliff monkey election is to?
Ultra lash victory is to Historic page vaccine as Massive portal echo is to?
Spooky lobby notebook is to Noisy postal rat as Ancient crash pony is to?
Cultivated ghoul absorption is to Rustling warehouse treaties as Branded crab romance is to?
Reasonable plant yammer is to Black pelt bandanna as Rejected omen code is to?
Plaster acre sedation is to Lake nesting loon as Orchid pizza machine is to?
Acoustic whirlpool melody is to Mute stingray vengeance as Throbbing dew terror is to?
Worn rocks tundra is to Spicy tethered nurse as Fused mountain nexus is to?
X-ray sleeping leash is to Bursting lantern pajamas as Fake owl hip is to?
Matted clam tendril is to Renaissance glory bug as Royal saltine raiders are to?
Nervous curator debacle is to Cracked screen portrait as Burnt walnut icon is to?
Moist corduroy slippers are to Silver train tracks as Deviled fart repellant is to?
Snooping marked legend is to Maize willow salve as Shiny hard redwood is to?
Agnostic preacher overlap is to Hypnotic cell elation as Healthy pimp peaches are to?
Fancy hat jitters are to Long distance lather as Bargain glamour twine is to?
Automatic trance legacy is to Stalled coal car as Brain train translation is to?
Bonking glitter logs are to Lyrical fudge mishap as Vacant urban posse is to?
Sewage charged water is to Excessive yawn adage as Woozy flower lunch is to?
Pioneer baby spook is to Ambitious furniture lab as Untested swamp bread is to?
Savoy beach waffles are to Vivacious humming needles as Muddy collar oration is to?
Muffled crouching teacher is to Funky drunken gator as Mango lock narration is to?
Smoky sewer sentiment is to Shrewd dinning diva as Toasted rose pasties are to?
Rude polar scar is to Rabid rat agony as Singed lace scarf is to?
Beeping spiral flavor is to Fabled burning table as Raging verse vengeance is to?
Grinding rumble mutant is to Grotesque banker spleen as Tainted ranch banister is to?
Converging lettuce fever is to Pegged shuttle shuffle as Severed server franchise is to?
Cheerful sperm juggler is to Alley joke hunter as Shifting gear leakage is to?
Remote blossom intern is to Linked track contraband as Mad plant piano is to?
Chubby crap face is to Secreting meth rod as Narrow arrow kook is to?
Quiet prom function is to Outdated bubble charger as Melted fractal trap is to?
Pretty egg tranquilizer is to Fused pain manger as Pet poker token is to?
Blind rhino taboo is to Matched knob rage as Adult barrel jelly is to?
Heroic supper rash is to Blazing pulp jam as Holly spiral mosaic is to?
Accidental stereo flag is to Ranting brainless mail as Hairy flying wand is to?
Red rayed tide is to Pine striped road as Dog carrot wine is to?
Garden snake addiction is to Garter belt adhesive as Shocking poster poses are to?
Masked shovel plate is to Wigwam jawbone fate as Torn raven quilts are to?
Ski musk jingle is to Red braid pilot as Screw top plowing is to?
Rat hole tachometer is to Foxtail hoof ramp as Sorted function folio is to?
Canned winding train is to Lotus toupee glue as Catfish worm jumble is to?
Tornado gremlin muslin is to Rocket launched emblems as Mighty snow batons are to?
Pitchfork dialogue jabber is to Gumshoe drama symbol as Sublime papal draft is to?
Planning genies arrival is to Railed pocket lock as Sneaky muscle ache is to?
Jealous French cows are to Sympathetic feather ragas as Peacock dart blocks are to?
Painted bathing brackets are to Frosted opera glasses as Foiled labcoat buttons are to?
Shiny leafworm droppings are to Vibrating caramel candy as Activated sidewalk figurines are to?
Obese moth month is to Sportsman’s squirting lacquer as Arsenic shampoo jackets are to?
Blazing email slippers are to Cleated sunbeam flippers as Pretty flecked apricots are to?
Soaring flowers swaying are to Funky fungal holes as Abominable abdominal anomaly is to?
Clawed fauna germ is to Washing focused groups as Urban turbine turban is to?
Organic water spouts are to Magnetic peach melodies as Thunder winged sages are to?
Dinosaur valley comet is to Honey wagon fiber as Cracked brownie canoe is to?
Sapphire bayonet gaze is to Superman’s witch shop as Whistling ego chivalry is to?
Fumbling trucker carousel is to Rainbow shrimp sabotage as Storable falcon wigs are to?
Mayan anvil storage is to Immoral stingray salute as Cloud plated wishbone is to?
Nocturnal zebra whiskey is to Stinging graphite romance as Comical champ euphoria is to?
Curvy dowel deviant is to Pudgy mudlark cereal as Roaming stinkbug fever is to?
Captive boat musket is to Forbidden freak eyeball as Bleached frog dynasty is to?
Foaming leotard syrup is to Honeycombed curtain equation as Caged wolf thunder is to?
Tropical bumpkin strobe is to Vanishing backbone virus is to as Hysterical blowgun implants are to?
Zinc camel varnish is to Clustered doorman slumber as Frowning polar bugs are to?
Enamel helix fulcrum is to Halibut sex window as Swollen cherub jargon is to?
Dazed fawn jury is to Hysterical sneeze fatigue as Fastest stolen jewel is to?
Faulty isometric umbrella is to Wooden bead catapult as Welded porch font is to?
Unlocked mucilage scraping is to Oversized peon craft as Flashing penny dish is to?
Penguin iodine parody is to Organic plumber toast as Fat stinky sulfur is to?
Twisted bathing sword is to Shameful basin claim as Throbbing pimento cover-up is to?
Mutant bread spheres are to Pastrami dog triangles as Whirling fist novellas are to?
Wispy cracker gravity is to Crusty peaches lane as Blazing lava train is to?
Grungy hound radio is to Thermal butcher twitch as Rustling rhombic sail is to?
Fractured plum clarinet is to Cork bolt combat as Horsefly court dispatch is to?
Junkyard campfire choir is to Ravenous pancake scouts as Glamorous sleigh glow is to?
Checkered praline blisters are to Hydroponic blues riffs as Time tower silhouette is to?
Naked car dealer is to Master mist lute as Ten pound marionette is to?
Diaphanous safety prize is to Unleashed saucer lion as Dorky blonde ropewalker is to?
Empty fedora cabinet is to Fragrant cutworm escort as Swollen cupcake auction is to?
Smoldering crop lights are to Silent condo drones as Bald pepper cures are to?
Rowdy locket politics are to Skinny Buddha Frisbees as Ripped dandelion tablets are to?
Curved market cuticles are to Frozen Koala clichés as Vulcan applesauce spoons are to?
Bipolar owl capsules are to Heated boltneck tokens as Garish iceboat anchors are to?
Flatworm wartime pathways are to Racy lemon moccasins as Downy patch bait is to?
Rustic love montage is to Slanted emerald buildings as Mandatory climate insulation is to?
Chunky map monitors are to Sparkling microwave water as Scarce chair furrows are to?
Sinus signal fractions are to Sneaky fishpond bridges as Skylight doll signals are to?
Glowing calculator comet is to Bleeding starfish galaxy as Crushed steam fuses are to?
Lincoln Canyon fog is to Washington canned frog as Carters livid thrills are to?
Pony licked paisley is to Stoic solo syrup as Squatting buffoon allergies is to?
Trolled onyx pitfall is to Kazoo playing pythons as Porky’s pixel pylons are to?
Pleated heat generator is to Whistling wet spots as Frozen tears pier is to?
Perverted camp dog is to Intruding skillet seizure as Golden radio mattress is to?
Fat drained hotel is to Rattled brain lotto as Fedora lane auto is to?
Chrome eagle ballet is to Cortisone hawk banquet as Jade raccoon shampoo is to?
Hilarious rail guard is to Soiled whale apparel as Cove boner taffy is to?
Fluorescent tofu babies are to Denim elf slacks as Coned ray envy is to?
Snake shoe riddles are to Mood beam blues as Author enhanced dice are to?
Victorian slaw burger is to Roaming multiplication typos as Random sword fungus is to?
Lemon snow cloud is to Sadistic loan relish as Pasting red gravel is to?
Noisy snail missile is to Perfumed sativa diva as Powdered apple heart is to?
Fainting vapor spectrum is to Nylon pants wizard as Barking moss slag is to?
Darting lakes paranoia is to Sanitary bee artist as Stubborn weather oven is to?
Sunbeam archery mint is to Eden’s needy maidens as Yellow rhinoceros tweezers are to?
Ravishing blue radish is to Puffing fish livers as Dazed cone carpet is to?
Dismal rehearsal reversal is to Captured captains caption as Recording garden porn is to?
Shady gazebos flies are to Kooky cob jobs as Cooing nettle gnats are to?
Huge owl bones are to Linked boats bobbing as Weaved wings flapping are to?
Chronic cyclone blaster is to Lustered rustic phone as Cunning comet camels are to?
Hot tonic tuners are to Western sponge portraits as Chiseled creeping leap is to?
Fat doe cakes are to Growing cat masks as Sexy horned elk are to?
Bleak nights stationed is to Danish beak vaccine as Kabbalah dart elixir is to?
Fluted basin thread is to Corduroy dinosaur market as Rapid radar radio is to?
Flamed Botox serum is to Foggy noodle sandwich as Swinging moon aliens are to?
Genetic gemstone badge is to Wolf massage cult as Juggling ghost sherbet is to?
Quartz pod cats are to Moaning crack addict’s as White noise needles are to?
Tender tenor boasting is to Cactus backed abacus as Minting tinted mittens are to?
Robot tractor tracks are to Stacked rusted rack as Paper packed slacks are to?
Open source code is to Open cold sores as Old oaken floors are to?
Moody swinging sliders are to Slippery thumb guitars as Official drooling fool is to?
Drifting bacon geode is to a Timid waif loafers as a Nighttime slime skier is to?
Safe cracker baking is to a Demented crackpot dentist as a Jeweled jockey cave is to?
Red clawed snail is to Dagger tooth rat as Hot trigger ant is to?
Anthill mind trust is to the Ideal leopard squad as Harpooned popper squid are to?
Seeing orange coins as raisins is to Hearing low notes as candy as Smelling balls as roses is to?
Vampire clock repair is to Zombie walnut harvest as Testing rated robots is to?
Banjo mind cloth is to Black Swedish furniture as Indigo eagle ink are to ?
Canned sedan shoes are to Pinecone trophy walkers as Cracked glass buttons are to?
Drifting banded disks are to Raised ridge nuggets as Prehistoric hut crackers are to?
Stone forest sinks are to Rock garden tubs as Dragon moon whistles are to?
Green serpent droplets are to Cliff side graphics as Cellophane mountain sandals are to?
Swindled Parcheesi gangs are to Looming shill jostle as Twin kiln glaze is to?
Historic glamour poses are to Distorted cloud mirrors as Porcelain horse shoes are too?
Paramount’s adored spy is to Whipping pealed bubbles as Fortified glamour bus is to?
Targeted tram rider is to Drained moon memories as Stop sign holidays are to?
Flying slit finder is to Frayed felt scruff as Crafted rag muffins are to?
Fudgy panoptic naiad is to Transitory poser token as Flying archer fugue is to?
Overwhelmed understanding overhead is to Interstate overpass underway as Head over heels is to?
Artificial artichokes hearts are to our Arthropod artillery darts as Partly sculpted carts is to?
Splashdown countdown sound is to Lowdown hoedown clown as Putdown downtown standoff is to?
Speak up standout is to Lookup hideout map as Cookout cleanup mop is to?
Gestalt parrot party is to Drafted mayhem module as Cupids padded papers are to?
Insect infested vest is to Indoor inspection squad as Insulting gene razor is to?
Inventing informed nation is to Invited assisting ants as Insisting intent pitched is to?
Doors Tool collection is to Cool boot inspection as Wood rotting knot is to?
Daddy’s bad mood is to Cool pool Mom as Floating moon boat is to?
Zoom proof focus is to Blood bloom poker as Last roof hooker is to?
Phony coughing coach is to Bronze trophy laugh as Adopting orphaned elephants is to?
Gleeful stamp collectors are to Morose racecar drivers as Buttered griddle cakes are to?
Steel trumpet petal is to Tardy guitarist startled as Riming drummers rumple is to?
Squirrel scrotum ballet is to Sphinx sphincter opera as Lapping lilac labia are to?
Kool-Aid dashes are to Silly putty hyphens as Jiffy pop star is to?
Anointed cake candles are to Fixed ambition martyr as Melancholy collie melons are to?
Dog whisper suicide is to Seahorse action rider as Optical nightmare tickle is to?
Existential rabbit hat is to Holographic steward’s cat as Expired mental gloss is to?
Skipping rudder rules are to Skimpy dork doodles as Wimpy wet noodles are to?
Lumberjack mice cookies are to Cedar packet chew as Ladder back chair is to?
Chihuahua guardian angle is to Toxic taxi tangents as Graceland’s fur emporium is to?
Gazelle’s spooning sherbet are to Dragonfly pie squares as Black lizard gelato is to?
Spike Tesla spokes is to Billie-ray Lincoln jokes as Gomer Edison’s lab is to?
Alabaster bastards placards are to Malachite nights kite as Junipers persimmon riches are to?
Pyrite left turn is to Topaz right angle as Sapphire burning man is to?
Snoopy's Snicker tricks are to Pavlov’s’ spectacle bells as Seed soiled knickers are to?
Cubic cobalt factory is to Nordic nimrod ranch as Mosaic Mobius stripper is to?
Lamp stand RAM is to Light speed hand as Male forged freight is to?
Training trainee trackers is to Underwriting overture gestures as Upstairs downtown offer is to?
Crazy drizzled jam is to Fizzing sheltered lamb as Lazy citizens cram is to?
Shelved shells shaking are to Skinny skinned knees as Rendered revival rivals are to?
Polished zinc zeros are to Shifting zoo zones as Popping zombie zits is to?
Diagnosing deadly diarrhea is to Diagonal dialing demo as Diagramming distant diamonds is to?
Combo comb cleanser is to Comics comp camp as Compacting complaint trash is to?
Pepper tree entrée is to Gum tree soirée as Dirty shoe tree is to?
Itchy scratchy spot is to Spicy icy hot as Touchy bitchy feel is to?
Raspberry cupboard surface is to Applecart heart attacks as Windswept cotton tunnels are to?
Smart part gene is to Tart dart thrown as Fart chart needed is to?
Heartless monster costume is to Clueless mobster excuse as Mindless spinster rip-off is to?
CD needy kid is to Seedy weed lid as Speedy greedy gringo is to?
Preppy hippie laptop is to Happy puppy crap as Speedy remedy ads are to?
Relaxing composer napping is to Reflex composure app as Complex exposure setting is to?
Comet tail comb is to Comma dash combo as Combat ball camp is to?
Madman mentalist listing is to Menthol mentor torment as Menagerie mending vendor is to?
Tin man semen is to Yemen plant stamen as All good women are to?
Piedmont pie platter is to Piecework pier pliers as Earthy beach sandals to?
To the store is to To the bank as Go to school to is to?
Outside sidebar budging is to Landslide sideline fudge as Graveside sidekick boxer is to?
Duck trumpet holder is to Moose flower stem as Beaver flute solo is to?
Donald cruises seas are to Tom ducks keys as Porky corked Stalin is to?
Hope shimmering ray is to Love sparked glimmer as Ultra glamour fashion is to?
Hunter ranged wilderness is to Pouring flowered tea as Mirrored smoking whistles are to?
Spoon valley calling is to Folding moon telescope as Holdup cream meeting is to?
Cars that roll though sticky sod are to Jousters sprung on fractured taras Sparking arks that sway and rock are to?
Sales are sold as they sell is to Tales unfold as we tell as Cities swell with the sea is to?
Wink won’t blink if he stinks is to Lance won’t boil if he foils asTom wont romp if he stomps is to ?
Flip won’t flip if he flops is to Skip won’t skip on a ship as Ned won’t wed in a shed is to?
A train of twin world twine is to A plane of spinning time tops as A ship of shifting sands is to ?
Sales are sold as they sell is toTales unfold as they tell as Cities swell when seas are jealous is to?
It's been a year
since I saw you
since I slept rest-
lessly, my forehead pressed
Night after night
the beep beep beep of
It's been a year spent
licking my wounds
in hopes that they
like people say that
time will do
It's been a year
since I saw you
I still can't
The retainer where she was put
Was made of concrete. My father told me they had
Dug the grave first, then poured the concrete in, waited for
It to dry and harden, then hammered in six
Circular spikes in the four corners, two on either side
Of the middle. They lifted the concrete cast out with a crane.
My dad was going to be charged 300 dollars a day for the rental,
But because of the circumstances, Home Depot let us have it for free.
Where was she?
Where had she gone?
Would I see her face again?
Would she want me to
Meet her on the other side of the river?
I answered my cell phone.
"Make sure to bring flower's."
She had been crying. Her voice wavered the way sun light
Does on moving water.
"Make sure to bring flowers," she repeated, "And
That you wear what your father and I bought you."
I nodded my head with the receiver pressed up against my ear.
We both let out a sigh. My mom hung up. I put my phone in my back pocket.
Lately, I had been seeing a shrink about repetition. He liked to use the word cycle.
"Everything is repeated," I would tell him.
"Life is a cycle," he'd disagree so to get me talking.
"Can cycles be identical?"
"Technically not. Some cycles are extremely similar, but no two cycles are
Completely the same. Are two people's lives ever exactly the same?"
"I wouldn't know. I don't know that many people. Maybe."
"You know lots of people, Camden. You have told me about many of your friends."
"Are we talking about the seasons?" I asked, changing the subject, "Like fall, winter, spring, summer? We are born, we live, we die, and we are born again?"
"That's a very natural way of looking at it."
"I know it is." I inhaled deeply, swallowing air and wondered what time it was.
"If you are so sure, why look for validation from me?" He liked this one, I could
tell. I imagined him shopping for clothes and then exploding in aisle 16 because of a sale on jeans.
"The word cycle is used by people too afraid to use the word repetition. Everything is
Repeated for the next generation, the next group, the next of the next of the next. We shift things
Around, give things to one another to shift life to make it look different, but, things remain the same. Everything contains the primal function we were all doing and living from the very beginning, only now, there is more of a separation. Music is still music, words are still words, paintings are still paintings, love is still love, death is still death, only done differently and more intensely."
"We are talking about man furthering technology because we, as people and creatures, are
Statistically more prone to flee than fight?"
"Why do you think it has caught on so quick?" I touched both
Corners of my lips with my tongue and suddenly realized I hadn't eaten breakfast.
"It is a theory," the psych nodded, "A theory with, I am sure, many
Palpable facts you could make a very nice report with to prove...something." He
Was at a lost for words and I felt guilty that my mom was paying him $75 an hour.
"We are very split. There are too many of us. Too many hands spinning the china."
"Who is we Harry?" The psych hadn't looked up from his pen and pad of paper, until now. I could
Tell he was annoyed with me either because he was making no progress or because the session
Had just begun and I was already digging into him.
"Culture. The government. You, me, my dad, my mom, the taco bell cashier, the geniuses at Apple computers, a paper weight, my dead sister. We're all apart of these shifts, all putting in a certain amount of energy and lies to keep the protection of the projection going. The question I keep asking myself is: do I want to use my strengths to be apart of this cycle or not?"
His eyes flared open for a moment like he'd swallowed a firefly, not at the question I had posed for myself, but from what I would soon see was from the mention of my sister. He had something.
"I was notified by your mother that you may not want to talk about your recently deceased sister. Is It O.K. if I ask you some questions about her?"
I was leaning forward on the couch with my hands clasped in between my legs. The psych had looked up at me now. He was sweating at the top of his thin hairline. Observing that I was staring at his building perspiration, he, trying to be nonchalant, took out a thin, white napkin from his grey shirt pocket and dabbed the top of his head. The napkin looked like cheap toilet paper. I'd have offered him some water, but I had no water to give and I didn't know where the sink and cups were to give him any. I figured he did - it was his office - so I asked him for some. He pointed me in the direction of the bathroom. I got up and found a stack of paper cups. I poured myself a cup and went back to the couch, but instead of leaning forward, I sat back, relaxed, and let the expensive leather couch take the weight I had been carrying away.
"So," the psych maintained cooly, "Would it be alright if we were able to discuss your sister?"
I lifted the paper cup over my head and the psych's eyes, after I poured the water over my hair, my face, and clothes, was a mixture of what my mom's eyes looked at the funeral, defeated, confused, and with a loss of faith and hope. My father's eyes had only held hate, anger and the need to lash out at someone, but the only someone that would have fit the bill would have been God.
"Sure," I answered, "Let's talk about my sister."
I finished drying myself in the car. The psych had let me keep the towel.
I leaned out the window to look at myself in the side mirror. I looked fine.
Presentable. Accountable. Like I had been through something where I had
Faced my soul. Like I had used and abused my emotions. There was comb in my glove compartment, so I took it out and rushed it through my damp hair. Slicked back. The sun
Was out, no clouds, burning up the inside of my car. That taste that comes after
Finishing something that's supposed to do you good didn't come. I was left with an unsure hand.
Putting my keys in the ignition, I turned them, and felt the engine rumble in front of my legs.
The sun sat in the sky like a lazy hand and I had nowhere else to go but home.
"Let's go to the river today," my dad said over coffee and two over easy eggs on top
Of burnt wheat toast. "I'll drive and you and your sister can sit in the back and sing."
I looked over at Ally. She was gazing into her fruit bowl she had prepared for
herself because dad didn't understand the concept or how to make it. The lamp light above us
reflected in the smooth apricot yogurt and the flecks of granola scattered on top
looked like beige, jagged rocks. My dad's offer hung in the air and neither
of us bit the lure. I had just woken up and was unable to speak clearly, a decent
excuse. Ally was simply choosing to ignore him.
"What you think there Ally?" I asked her. I sipped my coffee. It needed more cream. I got
U, got it and brought the carton to the table.
"We can take the truck down there and load the back with the fishing poles and tackle
And inner tubes. We haven't...done that...in a long time," he said, chewing his food as he spoke.
Ally poked her fruit bowl with her spoon, silent.
"What you think, Cam?" My dad was desperate. He knew I'd say yes.
"Sure. I've got no plans this weekend."
"It can wait till Sunday. Only math and some reading."
"Ally, what do you think?" my dad asked, leaning over to her. I could see he was
Trying to be as courteous and gentle with her as he knew how to. I felt bad for him.
"Sure," she muttered, "That sounds like fun." I could barely hear her, but somehow,
I could tell she sounded happy.
"Perfect," my dad smiled, "We'll pack the car up Friday,
Drive up Saturday morning early, camp one night, then get back Sunday afternoon." He
Took a long sip of his coffee and swished it around in his mouth, then dug
His fork into the dry toast and ran his small steak knife over the eggs. A silent pop came from
The egg and the light orange yolk spilled out. "Perfect," he repeated, "Just great."
Ally poked a grape from her fruit bowl and dipped it into the yogurt.
I took another sip of my coffee and looked up into the fan, spinning above us.
We were going to the river.
"Your sister turns five today," my mom told me, "And that means
I want you to be on your best behavior."
I nodded, unsure what the point of a birthday was. I had had one before, or at
least I thought I did, and all I remembered was that I got presents and the colorful balloons
and the cake we all ate with fire kind of floating and burning above it. Somewhere
in that moment I remember thinking that the cake was going to catch on fire, then they, everyone,
some that I knew and some people I had never seen before, yelled and shouted to
blow the fire out, so I quickly did, but not because it was for a wish, which I later found out it was supposed to be for, but because I truly thought the cake was going to catch fire and they wanted me to take care of it. At that point, I was unsure what it meant to be alive or why to celebrate it all.
"This is her day, Camden," my father told me, "So I want you to be happy for your sister."
"I am," I said. I was wearing my favorite white and blue striped t-shirt and
New shoes that my mom had bought me for the party.
"Sometimes you have to think of other people," my mother continued, "And today is one
of those days. I don't want any crying because you didn't get any presents or that none of your
friends are at the party. There are going to be a lot of Ally's friends there, but not many
of your's...do you understand?"
"Do you understand, Cam?" My father repeated. His skin was the color of a burnt
pancake and he smelt like stale sugar and sun tan lotion. He was in front of me and was
holding a thin magazine with a man in a boat holding up a fish on a line on the cover.
"Yes, Dad," I said again. I was hungry. I wanted mac n' cheese, my favorite food.
I had been on the floor, laying on my stomach watching Ren and Stimpy. They were standing in front of the television and I remember trying to wish them out of the way. Behind them were two, large bay windows where three palm trees stood in a row like tropical soldiers. I could see there was no wind because the three of them stood still, as if posing for someone. Their leaves were bright green, a mixture of the neon green Jello I used to love to eat and the orange Jolly Rancher my dad would always have in a tiny tray in the middle of the dining table. My mother hated having them there because it always tempted Ally and I, but he never moved it until he moved out.
"Do you like your show?" my mom asked, turning to see what I was watching.
I nodded, absently. Ren was licking Stimpy's eye because he was complaining about having
an eyelash in there. Stimpy was completely still and smiling like he does - dumb and content.
"Interesting..." my mother trailed off. She walked to the kitchen behind the couch and
Opened up the pantry for something. "You hungry, Camden?"
"I'm starving," my dad said, "Let me go check on Ally in the bedroom. She should be up
from her nap."
I got up from my stomach and sat back on my legs, "Do we have mac n' cheese?" I asked.
"Let me check."
She reached up for the cabinet over the stove where I could never reach and
Opened it. I rose slightly up from where I was sitting to see if I could see the glorious dark blue and orange package, but wasn't able to see over couch. I hovered there, still like a humming bird.
"You're in luck," I heard her say, "We've got one box left."
"Yay!" I screamed and got up, running into the kitchen.
"But," she smiled, stopping me, "You'll have to share it with your sister."
"No! I don't want to! I always have to share."
"What did we just talk about Camden?" she said, lightly stamping her foot.
I tried to remember, but couldn't. I shrugged.
"You need to learn to share, Camden. You also need to listen better when your father and I are talking to you. You and your sister are going to know each other a very long time and I want you to learn how to share now, so you two can be happy in the future."
"The future," I asked, "What's that?"
She paused, then said, "It's a time," she paused again, "Ahead of us."
"Do we know where it is?"
"Not exactly," she sighed.
"What's it look like?"
"No one really knows. People can only imagine it."
"Is it very far away?"
She opened the top of the blue and orange mac n' cheese box and poured the dry macaroni into a large silver pot, lifted the faucet, and let it run inside for five or seven seconds. She placed the pot on an unlit burner and turned to look at me. Her eyes looked far away and right there with me.
"Closer then you think," she said and turned the burner on.
I turned into the taco bell parking lot. There was something I was trying to remember that was in my trunk, but I couldn't recall the picture. A haze blew over the windshield that was a mix of heat and wind; I wished to be somewhere else, someone else, someplace else, but, there I was, sitting there underneath the sun, like everyone else. If I was able, I would have unlocked the door to my car and opened the door and walked out - but - there was something else lingering underneath my fingernails, something I couldn't name.
"Two tacos," I said into my hand, "And a water."
"Pull to the window," the voice buzzed over the muffled speaker.
"Yes," I said through my split fingers.
In front of me, over a patch of clean cut green grass and a yellow, red, and orange Taco Bell signature sign, was a fresh gas station with a willow tree bum near the front entrance. He had a sign that hung around his neck that read Juice Please - Very Thirsty. How I knew this was because I had seen it every time I had been asked to fill up my dad's car every other Sunday. I had never given the tree a dollar, yet, I felt that I owed him something. I tried to pull up to the window, but my clutch was grinding and a cloud slunk overhead. I was tired and only wanted to eat.
"That'll be a two twenty-five," the voice said through the thick, clear glass.
"Yes," I said to myself, digging into my wallet for three dollars.
I thrust the three onto the thick plastic platform. A quick sweeping plastic brush pushed the bills toward the asker, and the bills were gone. I had no food. I had nothing. My money was gone and all I had was a gurgling car in front of me and an empty front seat beside me. A pair of clouds waded by my front shield window. A shadow drew itself out in front of me like a nude model. A beep. Sudden and behind me. There was sound. I looked over my shoulder and a black 2013 Cadillac was sitting there, windshield tinted grey, the driver a shadow. I was unsure what to do...so I pulled forward six inches, hoping the offer would be enough. I wasn't in the best neighborhood.
The window to the left of me slid open. An arm erupted forward with a plastic bag,
"75 cents is your change."
The hand dropped three quarters next to the plastic bag. I grabbed the bag with the two tacos and three quarters and quickly wound up my window. The face in front of me was a dangerous blur: smiling, frowning, not caring either way what happened to me next. The hands had gobbled up the three dollars and I was happy to see it go. Who needed money? I tossed the plastic bag onto the passenger seat and sped off two blocks for my grandma's house. Salvation. The holy land. A place with free hot sauce and two dog's that were stolen without paper's. Eden.
"What are you learning right now?" I asked Ally.
She hesitated, then said, "Something to do with science." She paused," Lot's to do with rock's."
"Rocks?" I stammered, not remembering a time when I learned about rocks in school, "What kind of rocks?"
"I don't know," she grinned, looking up at me, "All kinds."
I laughed and kicked a stone into the river. The sun was out and reflected on the water like an unpolished diamond. We had grown up a quarter mile away, but still, it felt foreign to us.
"I like it. There's some things you could see that you would never think to read about it in books."
I had read plenty off books. Most, I took little from, but Ally, I could see, had taken plenty.
"What are you doing in school?" Ally asked me.
"What do you mean?" I watched the circular ripples in the water the pebbles had made.
"What are you spending your time doing?"
"Reading," I said hesitantly, "Trying not to be sick."
Ally stopped, turned, and faced the river. She breathed in deeply, then let it all out. Across from us, was a large hill that escaped upward, as if leading to the light blue sky. There were no clouds, only birds occasionally gliding over us. Ally looked so small in front of the river; so young. We couldn't be anywhere more peaceful, but I could sense, there was something she wanted to say, but was to pained to say it. A couple hiker's passed behind us. I turned and nodded to them. Ally had bent down so her bare knees were in the dirt. She was looking into her reflection.
"Trying not be sick?" she asked her wavering reflection.
There was not a hint of worry in her voice.
"When you get older, you start to see things differently."
"What things?" The sound of the thin river was like rain pattering against a window.
"Certain things become clearer and
Other things that were clear at first start to become..."
I stopped because I couldn't think of the word.
Ally kept looking at her broken reflection. The water was brown and green and clear. Through the thick branches of the trees surrounding us, strands of sunlight came down on us. I shouldn't be telling her this, but I had no one else to talk to and it felt good. I knew she wouldn't judge me. If she started to cry, I wouldn't know what to do. I felt like I would start to cry with her - probably harder. Another group of hiker's passed behind us. They had a golden retriever that veered off from the group and came up to us. He licked my ankle with his soft, pink tongue. Ally shifted and sat down in the dirt and the dog jumped on her, almost knocking her into the water. I quickly reached down and pulled on the golden retriever's collar to get it off of her. The owner ran up and grabbed the collar from me. I could see by her face that he was embarrassed.
"I'm really sorry about that."
I helped Ally up and we both stood in front of the owner. She was older with a loose grey running shirt on and brown shorts. The other hikers were standing ten feet behind, watching to see what we'd say. Her shoes were dirty with mud and her cheeks were flushed red.
"It's ok," Ally said, "It probably thought we were playing."
"What's its name?" I asked, bending down to pat its side.
"Tahoe," she said, "It's a girl."
"Pretty name," I said as I ran my finger's through her soft, golden hair. Her tail wagged back and forth, happy and pleased. She looked up at me with her black pupils and seemed to want to say something like Ally had, but just couldn't. "Really nice name," I repeated, giving her a final pat on the head, rising, and stepping back to Ally's side.
"Like the town," she said, scratching behind its ear, "We got her there."
"That's nice," Ally said, staying near the river, "I've never been."
"Well, your brother should take you. It's very beautiful."
"One day," I smiled, feeling like I had been put on the spot a little.
"Have a good day," the owner said, pulling on Tahoe's collar and turning back to her group, "And sorry about Tahoe jumping on you."
"She was just playing. Bye Tahoe." Ally waved.
We both turned away from the group, who was up the trail and soon out of sight. The sun hid behind a cloud and a shadow washed over where we stood. The river was dark, but rippled loud and rushed downward. Ally looked into the surface of the water again, but because of the darkness, she could no longer see her reflection. I looked at her, then turned and started to walk further up the trail. I wanted to keep going. I had seen it all before, but I was hoping to see something different today. Perhaps something in these woods had changed for us.
"Stop," I heard Ally say.
"Huh?" I asked, startled, looking over my shoulder at her.
"Let's go home. I'm tired."
"Nothing. I'm just tired. The dog," she sighed, "Scared me a little."
"Really?" She had seen so calm and happy when Tahoe was near.
"I don't know."
She brushed past me, walking down where we had came.
I followed behind her.
We walked like that till we got home.
Ally told my mom about the dog and she made us dinner.
Soon after, we both went to bed, but before I fell asleep, I listened to my mom speaking to someone on the phone on the deck.
The weather was a hot summer night, so I had my windows open.
I tried to listen, but soon fell asleep, the sound of water trickling over the smooth, round stones of the thin river bed.
That night, I dreamed of many things, but in the morning, could remember nothing.
I only knew that I had dreamed.
"To lose a child," the priest began, "Is the hardest trial a parent can be asked to endure. We are born, we are raised, and we live as well as we can until the Lord wishes us back to his kingdom."
The crowd was dressed in black. The long, wooden pews were worn and brown. We sat inside a large, stone church. Before entering, I had felt a light rain on my cheeks and forehead and immediately imagined Ally somewhere above us crying, wishing she could be there with us. No light shown through the multi-colored windows. The sky was streaked gray with white lines reaching out far over the forest of trees that grew behind the church and beyond. I touched my cheek as I sat in my section of the pew. Beside me was my mom and then my dad, next to her. They were both silent as the priest continued. Occasionally, my mom would dab her handkerchief to her eye and sob lightly. My dad would grip her hand and squeeze. My hands were in my lap, still.
"And when we are faced with such trials, we must go to God for His guidance. Some may reluctant to do so because of one's anger, but, I ask you to remember, that even anger and hatred were blessed to us by Him. Without Him, we would have nothing."
A sign over the double doors where we had came had a sign over it that read EXIT in large, bright neon green letters. Some people were standing by the doorway. Why couldn't they sit down? There was the stench of bleach and the attempt to cover up the smell of death. I hadn't seen Ally's body yet, but I knew she was up there, facing the ceiling. I looked up and stared at what she would be staring at, but then realized she would have her eyes closed and she would be seeing only black. Who had dressed her? My mother? The coffin was small, but Ally was small. It really made no sense to have such a large coffin for such a small girl.
Suddenly, I understood that I would never see her again and I began to weep uncontrollably. The sensation first begins in the chest - a shaking panic. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to die to keep her company, wherever she was. The choking sobs brought on a fever of hysteria and furious rage; I felt as if my mind was no longer able to comprehend or grasp the fact life had forced upon me. My mother's hand touched my shoulder, but there was no comfort in it, only understanding. There are some things in life that can only be dealt with alone. Everything burned. The priest tried to continue, but my cries were too loud. They echoed in the empty church's chamber the way a a gun-shot would. Later, when the moment became a faded picture too hazy to be a memory, but too real to be merely imagined, I would feel guilty about my lack of control, but then, I would recall the suddenness of that reaction, the crisp and sharp spontaneity of it, feeling that sorrow for the very first time. The church hushed. All that could be heard were my stifled cries and the creaking of the old wooden pews. Off in the distant, outside of the church and perhaps in the field or past it, into the forest, a dog barked and barked, whining at something.
"Life does not give us any wishes," the priest spoke, "We are the wishes of God. Only God can wish. We are his dreams and we must make his glory reality. Ally is with Him now and, if you have the faith and believe in our Lord, then you are with him too. In a way," the priest looked down at us from where he stood, "If you are with Him and she is with Him, then, you too, can be with her. Walk with her tonight. Walk with her always. Let her never leave your hearts."
As I passed her body, still and white in the casket, it was a face that I did not know. There was no blood in it. The life had been taken somewhere else. Ally was no longer there. I understood now what people meant about our skin just being shells for who we really were. Everything was imagined. Built up. Everything was all for the show and as we carried her out of the church, down the stairs and over the dry, fallen leaves that cracked and broke underneath our feet, the sun did not break through the thick clouds overhead like it always did when Ally was around, for she was not there. We were left without her. This is what life would be like without her. All of it.
"Go on up the river a bit Ally," my dad yelled. I was about twenty-feet from where my dad stood knee deep in the rushing, rivers water. "Follow Cam up and he'll show you some good spots."
"Spots for what?" Ally asked, getting up from where she was reading her science book. She had her large, black sunglasses on and her hair was down. She was a statue of possibility.
"To jump off of the rocks and where the water is deep."
Ally put her palm over her face to block out the sun, looking up the river for me. There was no one else on the small patch of sandy rock where we had made our camp. The car was up the road, less then a quarter of a mile away. I was up river, underneath the bridge where the rocks were so big you could sit up on them if they were flat on top. The trout would sometimes come under the bridge. The river was calm there. I was perched up on a rock, squatting and watching the trout in the shallow water as they lazily swam up against the current which was pulling them down to the base of a large pool. Small twigs and separated green leaves swept past me, past the rocks and rushed down the light rapids of the river. I put my hands up and waved them back and forth wildly so Ally could see where I was. She waved back and began to make her way up toward me. My dad saw that we had seen each other and whipped his fly fishing line back and forth and back again. It slapped against the moving water and tiny droplets flew up into the air and back down into the water, where the river caught them and guided them down stream. The sky was a clear, crisp light blue and all around tiny birds flew back and forth between the trees catching insects.
"You can see the trout in the water here!" I yelled to Ally. She had gotten out of the water and was going along the path to get me quicker. She hadn't heard me.
"They're huge," I said to myself, "Wish I had something to spear them with."
Ally yelled something from where she was behind the trees and bushes, but I couldn't see her. I stood up on the rock and yelled for her, but she didn't answer. Down river, my dad had moved farther away and had turned his back to his, trying to avoid the glare of the sun. I watched as he brought his long fly fishing pole in the air and flicked it forward, the long line flying in the air, hanging there for a moment, and then quickly crashing down onto the water. I called for Ally again, but still, no answer. I squatted down, then sat and dipped my toes into the water, about to get in, but Ally popped out the other end of the trail. Her face was red.
"How did you get over there so easily?" she said over the bubbling water around.
"The same way you did. Why?" I had both my feet in the water, letting the water take their weight. It felt good to let the sun hit my face and the water chill my toes, all at the same time. I had been feeling the same lately, everyday waking up with the same emotions, the same responses, the same reactions. To feel two things at once was a nice change. Reminded me that there is always more.
"I got stuck in some bushes and cut up my legs." She was slowly getting into the water, stirring up the brown sand, making the water murky.
"Try to move slowly," I told her, "There's fish in the shallow water and you can see them sometimes just laying there, but you gotta' be slow to move around."
"Why would you want to see fish just laying there in the water? That's boring."
I paused, and thought about what she said. It was a pretty boring thing to do. I laughed.
"I don't know. You can see their rainbow scales reflect in the sun. It's pretty."
"You're weird," she said, climbing onto a bigger rock next to me. She was shivering and laid out fully so the sun hit every inch of her skin. "You didn't tell me the water was going to be so cold."
"What'd you think it was gonna' be like?" I asked her, throwing a tiny pebble into the water, not caring about watching the fish or their scales or anything like that anymore, "All this water comes from the snow up on the mountains, so it has to be a little cold."
"Well," she said, draping her forearm over her eyes, "I didn't know that."
"Well," I said mockingly, "Now you do."
I looked down the river and watched my dad as he continued to flick the line up in the air. He was in the full glare of the sun and I imagined he was pretty hot with all of the clothes he had on. No one else looked to be on the length of beach. I knew from going down the river when I had been before, there were other smaller stretches of beach, but they were around the bend of the river and I couldn't see that far or really cared to. Overhead, a loud truck or trailer roared past us. The bridge shook and Ally shot up from where she was laying.
"What was THAT?" she screamed.
It had scared me too, but I played it like I'd been hearing it all day.
"Just a truck or a car. Nothing," I said.
"Thought the whole bridge was going to come down on us."
"That would be cool," I murmured under my breath. The thought of all that concrete and metal crashing down on us seemed exciting.
She scoffed, hearing me, and laid back down. Ally could be such a queen.
I was getting bored, just sitting there. With no one around other than Ally, I was at a lost with what to do with myself. All she ever wanted to do was sit or lay around. I should have brought a friend with me, but the whole trip was so short notice; all of my friends played sports anyway and they were always busy during the weekend. Up river, there was a sunken car that had accidentally driven off the road. I had seen it only once. I had taken my dad's goggles and the whole thing was covered in algae and little fish seemed to be living inside. The color was a mix of blue rust and jade. I didn't know the story of how the car came to be in the river, but I figured they were drunk or had fallen asleep at the wheel - or both. Ally wouldn't want to see that. She probably thought the bodies were still in there or something. They would have been eaten up, of course. She didn't know stuff like that. I did. I knew all about that kind of boy stuff like death and where ants hide to eat up the food at night (in the pantry) or the best way to throw a rock at a seagull to kill it. I'd done it once before at the beach with my dad and we never spoke about it. He just told me not to tell my mom because I think he thought he was going to get in trouble with her if I said anything. There was also this jumping rock, a little closer than the sunken car up river. The water was deep enough where you could jump anyway you wanted: head first, feet first, sideways, belly flop, pencil dive - whatever you wanted. Ally would want to do that.
"Let's go do something Ally," I said, nonchalantly, secretly wishing she would take the bait, "I'm getting bored sitting here like a couple of worms. Anyways, I'm starting to burn."
"I just got here..." she complained.
"I know of a really good rock we can jump off of up the river. You'll like it."
"How high is it?" she asked, getting up from laying down, "If it's too high, I don't want to go."
"Like five feet of a fall. You'll be fine." I said this as I slid into the water, knowing I had her. "I did it with dad when you were too young to even get in the water. I did it way younger than you. By two or three years at least."
"Well, I'm 12 now, so you're telling me you jumped off this rock when you were ten or nine."
"Yep," I said.
"I don't believe," she said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because your'e my brother and brother's alway's tell their sister's those kind of lies."
As they lowered her body into the ground, I had stopped crying, but my mom and dad picked up my slack. I was out of tears and the way the weather was made me worried it was going to rain and we would be forced to leave Ally early. We hadn't thought to bring umbrellas and I don't think the church had the hundred or so we would need down in the basement. Leave Ally. We wouldn't be leaving her. We would be leaving the place where we buried her body. Ally was somewhere else. I needed to remember that. Burying her sounds better. Leaving her would be like we were abandoning her. Had she abandoned us? No. Why would she do that? She loved us, or at least I thought she did. Sometimes she didn't act like it, but when I would see that grinning smirk at something stupid dad would say or something nit-picky mom would go on about or me asking her about school and rolling my eyes or pretending to fall asleep as she went on and on about rocks or granite or lava flow, all that kind of crap I really didn't care about because it had been going on for so long - literally the beginning of time - I thought, "who give's a shit, anyway..." Then, I would remember, Ally did, she did, and I would strain to listen as she went on about cloud formations and how rain builds up in the clouds and eventually gets to full and has to release it all down on us. Sometimes we get too full and we just have to release it all, so we can fill ourselves up all over again. There's that cycle stuff, right psych? Repetition is the word I like to use, but I guess cycle sounds more positive, huh? At least cycle there is a beginning, middle, and end. With repetition, there is no beginning. It just goes back to the start of where you were before and begins again, all the same. At least cycle makes me think there is a new beginning. A better one even. I could see why the psych wanted me to use that more often. Makes me feel better, even if it's all a load of shit.
The rain came as we walked back to the long line of black cars, but it was only a light mist. It actually felt pretty good, after all those hot tears. I had let my mom and dad walk head of me as they headed to the car and stopped and stood underneath a tree to get away from the drizzle. The temperature had dropped and I was beginning to shiver. I didn't know if it was because of the cold or from the shock of what I had just done. Two men in blue jumper's and old rusted shovel's began to throw the dirt and rock they had dug up from the hole they had just put my sister. I saw this as both fitting and the most logical of endings. To put back what you had borrowed or moved or taken. Our family had taken Ally from someplace, but now, I was beginning to see, we had actually borrowed her instead. She was returning to where she had come from. We all were. All of us at different times, never knowing when. But then, why did it hurt so bad? Why did I feel like I would never see her in the same way again? Would I recognize her? Would she recognize me? Would the cycle erase everything in the short time we had known each other? Would we begin anew or would we repeat the same life with the same mistakes all over again? Repeat it all. Perhaps why I was so scared, was because I didn't know.
No one did.
No one can.
No one ever would.
"Just jump Ally!" I screamed, wading in the slow moving water of the river
The jumping rock was right in front of me. Dad was around the bend down river behind the bridge. I couldn't see him, but I knew he was there and he knew we were here. The sun had broken through the thin white clouds and there was nothing but blue sky above us. Small birds shot back and forth from the branches of the trees, catching bugs in their beaks and taking them to their young chicks squeaking in their nests. Everything was moving around me as I watched Ally standing up there on that rock, shivering slightly from just getting out of the river. We had swam instead of walking along the edge. Ally didn't like the mud and didn't want to get herself all scratched up again. Such a queen. No wonder she was so cold up there on that rock.
"If you jump in," I told her, bobbing up and down in the water, feeling the tips of my toes touch the bed floor of the river," You won't be cold anymore. You just gotta' jump in." The water was shallower then I had remembered.
"I was freezing swimming over here. How do you know that?"
"Because I feel fine!" I yelled, "Look at me. I'm not shivering at all."
"You're lying again. I can tell!" She looked like she wasn't going to jump. She kept going up to the edge, looking over, shaking her head, and then backing away, acting like it was the Grand Canyon or Niagara Falls or something.
"The fall will only last a second and then you'll be in the water. I promise," I told her.
"You promise?" Her eyes were big and scared, but I knew she could do it. It wasn't that high.
"Promise," I said and dove under the surface of the water to swim back to the edge of the river. As I put my head under, I heard a distant splash and knew it was Ally jumping in. She was close, but it sounded far away from the water. I smiled and kicked my legs and reached out my arms and then pulled them close to me, propelling myself to shore.
Popping up out of the water, I stopped and looked up into the forest that surrounded us. The road was just twenty or twenty-five feet away from the river and I could hear cars and trucks rushing by, but all of that seemed so far away. Maybe it was the river and the sun and watching the leaves fall from their branches to be swept up by the current and be taken down the stream. I rushed up the slick surface of the dark green and black rock, gripping tight on the one hold their was and pushing myself up with my legs. The floor of it was wet from the river water Ally had been dripping on it from standing up there so long. I laughed to myself and called out to her, looking out on over the river.
"You almost made a lake up here, Ally!" I shouted out to her, looking up and scanning the river, but she wasn't there. She wasn't where I had been. She wasn't bobbing up and down like I had been or reaching for the floor of the river with her toes to steady herself. She wasn't there. I only saw the river, its tiny white ripples of water folding over one another, brown and dark blue, the white rays of sunlight streaked over it. Ally was not there. I slow tingle, like that which happens when one's foot begins to fall asleep, started around my temples and my eyes began to water and tear. My chest tightened and, for a moment, I was too scared to even breathe. Time stopped, then I screamed.
"Ally," I yelled, "Ally! Where are you?"
I looked up river to see if she had swam the wrong way. She was small. She didn't know left from right or down from up, why would she know which way to swim. I figured the river would just take her down stream. She had been so scared. Was she playing a trick on me? I looked across the river into the brush to see if she was hiding behind a tree or laying down in the leaves. Nothing. She wasn't there. She couldn't have swam across the river that fast anyways. The tingling had stopped and my breathing became fainter and quicker. I looked down river and saw nothing, just the bridge with its two large arches and the sun hitting bright up against the stone. I couldn't see my dad. Had he heard me? Where was Ally?
I jumped in the river.
I touched the bottom with my feet.
It was so shallow.
I felt the stones and the sand mix together and the grittiness rub against my skin.
I bobbed up and down with the moving current of the river.
I thrashed around, spinning in circles, trying to see everywhere at once.
The birds that had been flying from branch to branch had stopped.
A wind blew over the water and as I waded there, my eyes just over the surface of it, I watched the small, inch high ripples begin, peak, and melt back into the water.
Then, I saw her.
She was face down, down river, ten or fifteen feet away from me.
I swam as hard as I could.
When I reached her, I turned her over, held her body in my arms, looked down on her smooth, small face, and knew she was dead.
I held a paper cup of water in my hand, back in the psych's office the next day. He had left a pitcher of water and a stack of five or six cups on the small coffee table on the left of the sofa nearest the door. I'm not sure if that was especially for me or if he had just realized some people might like to have a drink while they sit there and talk about whatever someone talks about while they're there. I appreciated the effort and the offer and took him up on it. There was even fresh ice in the pitcher of the stuff. I knew he had done that especially for me. I appreciated it.
"Camden, how are you feeling after yesterday?" the psych asked.
"Refreshed," I said.
"Do you feel you've made any progress with what you're comfortable talking about with me?"
"Yes and no. I still don't know you very well, actually, not at all, really...but maybe that's the point behind the whole thing. Not to know you at all, so I can tell you everything without any kind of fear of judgement or backlash of emotion or feeling like I'm...boring you." I was rambling, I knew that, but I didn't feel the need to make sense anymore. Lately, I'd been seeing that routine and order were really just shields to hide the hard fact at how fragile we all really were.
"If that is what you think will help you open up about what you can talk about, I believe that is a very good thing."
I took a sip of my water and looked out the window and noticed the car's on the small road forty or so feet away from us rushing back and forth - all a blur. I thought of the road I had looked up at through the trees of the forest by the river and how it looked so similar and thinking the sounds were probably the same too. I also thought if I had just turned around when I had gotten out of the water rather then stopping to look up into that stupid forest and listen to those stupid trucks and cars rushing past, I might have been able to save Ally before she drowned. I took the nibbled edge of the paper Dixie cup away from my lips and rested it on my knee, looked up at the psych, and remembered me looking or not looking up into the forest and listening to the sounds all around me, enjoying them, living in them, being with them, wouldn't have made a lick of a difference anyway. She was dead when I got to her. I could not have done anything.
"She broke her neck," I told him, "She dove in head first because I told her before we got there it would be deep enough for any kind of jump. She was young. I was young. We..." I stammered, felt that choke when I first realized I couldn't find her, and looked away out the window again, "I felt like we were invincible. That nothing could hurt us. It was such a beautiful day, you know. Why would anything want to hurt her on a day like that? It was such a nice day. A really good, slow, perfect day where everything was far away and right in front of us, you know? We still had our innocence then. There was no reason why anything bad should happen to any of us, but that's life, isn't? Things just happen and the reaction shows one who they really are."
The psych nodded, telling me he had never had a day like this or he had. I didn't care to know. I just cared if he was listening or not. I knew he was because he was looking right back at me. Sometimes people can listen and stare right at you and be somewhere else completely. I know this because I watch their eyes shift to the left or the right, like anything else might be more interesting than what I'm saying. When I see this though, I just continue talking, not giving a damn whether they're are really listening or not. They began the conversation, why can't they end it? Thinking of the forest and the river brought me back there. I didn't want to go back, but I had no choice. These were my memories now, my pain, and I would have them for the rest of my life.
"And I had her little body in my arms and her eyes were open and she was looking at me, not breathing or anything, but just looking at me blankly, unable to say or show me anything. I couldn't help her because she was gone and the river was pushing me harder because my legs had started to shake and my arms had suddenly grown so incredibly weak. Maybe it was from being in the water for so long or something, but I just couldn't hold her for that long, so I let the river take some of her, her weight I mean. I let the river take us both down toward the small rapids where the trout would rest in the shallow pools where the sun would shine all day, making the water warm. I never figured out why the trout would sit in that specific spot like that, but now I see they must like it there because of the warmth. It's funny because I always thought fish were such cold things and I only understood this because as we both floated down and passed through that warm spot where the sun would stay, it wasn't just warm, it was hot, like lightly boiled water. It surprised me. Then I thought, Ally couldn't feel anything that I was feeling. She was so far away, never able to feel anything ever again. Perhaps in another way, in a way that no living person knows how, but the way I or my dad or anybody else felt things...well, that was finished for her. I stopped feeling so good when I realized that passing through the warm water, heated by the rays of the sun."
The psych paused, looked down, then asked,"And then your father, where was he?"
"My dad was a little farther down the river from where he had been," I explained. It dawned on me I hadn't told the story in detail to anyone before. Everyone knew how she had died and why and didn't seem to need anything more.
"And he came to you when he saw what had happened to Ally?"
"He dropped his fly-fishing pole in the river and ran toward us both. Water was spraying out from underneath his feet and he was soaked when he reached us. I didn't see his face when he took Ally. He just took her and kinda' pushed me away. Not in anger. I think he thought he could still do something about what had happened."
The psych put his pen down on his pad of paper. He hadn't been writing anything for as long as I had been talking. He had been listening. That's what their supposed to be good at. He stared at me a long time. I don't know how long because I was still looking out the window, but I could see him out of the corner of my eye. My empty water cup was sitting on the corner table with a small lamp and a framed picture of a tree with a deer underneath of it. When I first saw the picture, I thought it was a photograph, but when I saw it the second time I came in when I poured the water over my head, I realized that it was a fine pencil drawing. This surprised me. The whole place surprised me really. You could say anything you wanted, everything that had ever happened to you and not feeling anything at all one day, yet the next, the world comes crashing down and it feels like everything you've ever used to defend yourself has vanished. All very surprising.
"You must understand Camden, that Ally's death was an accident and there was nothing you could have done about it. Some people, people you will perhaps talk with later in life, may call it an act of God or a freak accident and other such things, but these labels are only there to make you feel better about what happened or give reason."
I nodded, but said nothing. There was something in his eyes as I listened telling me something like this had happened to the psych, as if he had been what I had been through. I didn't have the guts to ask him, but I could sense he had lost someone the same way.
"And that is a very hard thing to understand and life with, Camden. Things happening without reason is extremely close to the idea of chaos. If there is no reason for the death of someone you love, then what is the point of living at all and how can you life your day to day life sane and not scared that around any corner, something may be there to kill you."
"I don't know. I think of that now, but back then, never."
"Of course you didn't. You were children. There was no event to cause such thoughts to begin turning in your little heads. You were innocent, like you said earlier."
I shifted and turned to the pitcher of water and poured myself another glass. Nothing outside the window interested anymore, only what the psych was saying. He was saying some interesting stuff that didn't sound like the same crap he was talking the first two days I had come to see him. What he was saying now had weight, danger, and I felt like he knew he could get in trouble for some of the stuff he was saying. He was almost preaching or philosophizing with me, which, I didn't know if you were allowed to do in the psychological world. In a way, he was raising the curtain slowly to what he thought of this whole damned world and I sat back in the couch, feeling the expensive leather against the back of my neck and under my forearms and listened intently.
"How do you see yourself dealing with this event over the next four or five years. You are going to college soon I would imagine. How do you think you will handle it there."
"How I handle it here, I would imagine." An image of Ally reading her science books at her desk with only her overhead lamplight on flashed across my mind. She was smiling to herself, one of those self-satisfied smiles that was so small you would never see it unless you had seen it before. Her face gentle and focused and all was quiet around her.
"And how is that?" the psych asked.
"Miss her. Think of her. See her in anything I think is beautiful. Know that she is gone and accept it in a sort of melancholy fact of life that everyone you know and love will one day have to be buried. Some later, some sooner. Some now, some fifty years from now. Always remembering that she had more time then others and that I am grateful for the time that I had. Live for her. Love for her. Grow and feel everything doubly as much because she never had the chance. Never let her go. Keep her picture by my bed. Let her walk with me when I walk alone. Faith that I'll see her on the other side of the river and go to her. Regaining our innocence to be children again."
"I think that is a very good start, Camden."
"You think?" I asked.
I had a dream I was walking along the river's edge. Tiny pebbles and sand fell into the water as I walked on the loose dirt and gravel. The river was the same river Ally and I walked along when we were kids. There was no one around. I was by myself. There were no hiker's and how I came to be there, I didn't know. I was just there, like in so many dreams. The day was still and cold and I could see my breath as I exhaled and walked.
I came to the path where we had met the two hiker's and their dog. I could only see past the hill where the path crested and then went down. I had been up and over it many times, but now, couldn't recall what lay past it. There were two large redwood trees on either side of the path. They were tall and grew up into the sky and I couldn't see the top of them. I moved to continue forward, but heard Ally's voice behind me.
"I want to go home. I don't want to go ahead," she said.
I turned and looked at her. She looked the same: small with her brown hair to her shoulders; her almond eyes reflecting the sun in them; those tiny lips that barely would part when she spoke. She was at least ten feet away from me, but I could still smell the lemon lotion mom would put on her whenever we would go out walking.
"Why? Are you tired?" I asked.
"It's only a little farther. You've never been over this way."
She shook her head back and forth so her hair flew everywhere.
"Ok," I told her, "We can go back."
"No," she said, stepping back, "You go ahead. I'll go back alone."
I stopped and remembered laughing, "What? You don't know the way back."
"Yes I do," she said.
"No, you don't. You're always talking about how you never want to walk without me because you don't know the way."
"That's not true, Camden."
"Yes, it is, Ally." I walked toward her, "Now lets go."
"No!" she screamed, "I want to go alone!"
"What's wrong with you? I'll just go with you."
"No!" she screamed again, "I have to go alone or I'll never learn."
I stopped and looked at her eyes. They were wet and on the verge of crying. There was nothing I could do. She had made up her mind. Once she had, there was nothing anybody could do.
"Ok, Ally. I love you."
"Really?" she asked, surprised, "You'll let me walk back alone?"
"Sure," I told her, "Anyways, I want to see what's up ahead."
"What's up ahead?" Suddenly, she wasn't interested in going home anymore.
"I don't know," I said, "Something other than home."
"Don't know," I repeated, "Might be nothing, but it also might be something."
"Will it be scary?"
"Will it be fun?"
"I want to go now," she said, coming forward and taking my hand, "I want to go with you."
"Well," I said, looking down at her, "Let's go."
We walked up and the hill and down into a valley. Thin trunked trees were scattered around, standing and lightly swaying back and forth. We reached another river. Ally went ahead and dipped the tip of her pointer finger into the water and whirled it around. I was coming up behind her when she told me she couldn't see her reflection in the water. I looked over her shoulder into the water and couldn't see my reflection either. When I realized I was dreaming, I remembered stepping back and looking at Ally, who was now so clear, taking her all in. I hadn't dreamed of her in so long. She smiled and waved to me, the sound of the river trickling behind her and the sun shining down through the leaves of the trees , casting her in an impenetrable white light. I waved back at her and smiled, but saw, after the light had dimmed, that she had gone. The sounds of the river lessened, the light of the sun grew fainter, the ground that had been moist and loose before became hard and brittle. She had gone and I was by myself again.
After waking up, I remember that my hands were clenched so tight it took me a couple minutes to let them relax. I thought they'd be like that forever. I remember swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and looking across the hall into Ally's old room and feeling that choke in my chest that came whenever I thought her. I let out a large sigh and the tightness in my chest released. "You still dream of her" I thought, "She's still there and you'll never lose her if you still dream of her."
I got up out of bed and looked out my window and watched the thin river behind our house move over the stones, down the tiny waterfall, and into a large drain pipe that lead down into the main river near the hiking path. I listened to the crows in the trees screech, talking back and forth. They would always come in the early morning when the bugs were still out. Ally always hated those crows. I hated them too, but Ally hated them more.
It was a new morning. Ally was there with me and far away. She was always like that, come to think of it. She was always so close, yet so far away. And when I think of her, I think of her mostly in the morning, when everything is just beginning to stir and move with the first light of the Sun. She's there the most, I think, in those still mornings where the cycle begins again.
The car will edge past the truck maybe
and maybe we'll survive this message
playing on repeat, apologies like daft lilies
and then you go ahead and tell me that you've never
learnt from your mistakes, or my mistakes.
That mistakes are only bad unless you change the order
of analogy. This experiment has been contaminated.
Now a fresh batch. Trust me, there's a point to this.
I'm counting back from a hundred and two
and you've got me standing in the middle of the highway,
blindfolded; this is what loving you felt like,
you said. But I think it was more dramatic in my head.
Nuclear fission and the seige of Dresden dressed
up playing Adagio in D minor; I'm dust. I'm dust.
I've become ash and misery and I'm trying to stay inside you
but you've been coughing a lot, and who's to say
you were holding your breath for something exciting,
I just know for a fact that at the end of this beep,
you'll know what to do and yet
you're not going to leave another message.
I listened to my heartbeat,
It sounded like a tune,
Sounded like a tune that I’d beat for you.
Rhythmically it plays,
From high to low
Smooth to rough,
In tones it grows.
One day a screeching beep you’ll hear,
As it slowly fades and never to return again.
Enjoy this tune while it lasts,
So you won’t have to look back and regret your past.
On Monday I started to write a song,
The afternoon spent lazing around,
Memories of the Sunday night,
Like a hangover hanging around,
I close my eyes for a moment,
As I always feel the day slipping away,
Before I know it Tuesday is on,
I start to put down words,
But the end won’t come to my mind,
And I know the day is slipping away
For Wednesday has come now,
I feel the wakening of the doer inside of me,
I sit down with my pen and paper,
With the t.v. switched on besides me,
Oh I know the day has slipped away,
Now at the centre of the week I’m on Thursday,
I start for one last time,
But I know I won’t finish for the next 2 days,
And I wrote dad a dum da beep pada,
And I’m not surprised for the day has slipped away,
And I begin my weekend on the Friday,
Hanging around my incomplete song,
Just 5 words on the paper,
My head is spinning around,
And floating through time I’m onto the next one,
Its Saturday night I’m partying hard,
Not hard enough for my song undone is weighing me down,
I’m not sure what I’m gonna do about it,
So I try not to think just loose myself in the sound
As I dance to Sunday morning I,
I sleep from sun up to sun down,
Sunday night I’m roaming around,
I know tomorrow’s a new day,
I’m gonna finish that song,
Monday morning, I’m writing a song,
The afternoon spent lazing around,
Memories of the Sunday night,
Like a hangover hanging around,
I close my eyes for a moment,
My life’s slipped past when my eyes were shut,
Now I’ve forgotten what I was writing about,
Back to the start I don’t have another chance,
I curse life, for when I stopped it kept moving on.
We know you, and your little dark colors too. A picture book in your purse penned in mustaches on the full faces of your fare. We call you from bed, 8 o' clock in the morning, dog-light you slow wander the Peruvian darkness making jellyfish tentacles with your hands while you feel your way through Salem. We're colder than night and we wake thrice the bits of your day gig. You collapse in a green field of dandelion where thrushes drown you in Brown. We gorge ourselves on mango slivers, pineapple yolks, a half of grapefruit. We know you are close to your end.
On the tops of the cities you call to your lycan friends, the half-sick and muted bray allures them to you, from Bratislava and Mimon, the thoroughfare through the suq. We wait. The foregone untold, the beep beep jug jug swoop sound of the nightingale, in all her dun glory, we wait. Then, as if descending through the moor-lounging silver smoke, the cool stickiness to your fingertips; the fog.
We are there when the blue-less and smoky screen surrounds you, when you shank the auburn Scot hair of the sly fox that stalks, say, a cigarette from your lips. When you take the corners swiftly, gadding the streets. The prize king of vulpicide. You rub its matte fur against your bristly gray beard. And while you lay in your lumps of twelve carat flesh you bleat and you nag. One day you will never come home.
Sticks and stones broke my bones
But Sad is the only thing that really hurt me.
Spell it for me
Say it for me
Define it for me
Use it in a sentence
- Sad is patient and impossibly slow.
Sad, sad is a smile. One that turns up at the pink corner but doesn't turn up in the eyes.
Sad is a scar on your left shoulder blade. Zig zagging it's way toward your bumpy all-too-visible spine.
Sad is the boy you think you love kissing your person with his fast open palms.
Sad is the five years later when he is gone but his rough, soft hands somehow still linger everywhere unseeable and still passionately untouched.
Sad is static sound.
The crinkling of black and grey and white fuzzies.
Sad is not knowing if you really want to scream or cry.
Sad is rough knees and calloused hands.
Sad is no more easy air. It is the crawling for molecules.
Sad is cold and dark, but only on some days, because Sad likes to play these tricks where you wake up happy and you exist on that day happy and you fall asleep happy, and you think that you might just finally be getting happy.
But then your alarm clock goes and instead of the 'Beep Beep' it should be shouting, it's really Sad screaming in your ear that there's nothing to get up for.
And you know that Sad is back.
Sad needed a rest from all of the sad it's caused, so it took a vacation in the lost happy places of your mind, drank a margarita, and smirked at your ignorance.
Sad is the day after the happy existence when Sad feels as if it needs a confidence boost.
So Sad tells you to break skin.
Beautiful, smooth, ivory skin that you don't really think you should be breaking, but you've lived so long with Sad being right that Sad must be right.
So you break it.
You break it in the most awful, vertical line.
It follows the trail of your blue veins and opens wide with red.
And stupidly, poetically, you expect purple.
But Sad tells you that it's blood.
So don't kid yourself
Because dammit, blood is red.
Sad is this moment.
The moment that you've realized that maybe, after all this time, Sad has been in charge for too long.
The very same moment that is probably too late to save whatever Sad left behind.
Spell it for me
Say it for me
Define it for me
Use it in a sentence
- Sad is patient, impossibly slow, and victorious.
Can't put my mind to rest, it's another sleepless night.
My eye's are wide open, and it seems a constant fight.
I lay here in thought, about my long boring day.
Daydreaming of tomorrow, and the bills I must pay.
I toss and I turn, trying to find comfort in this bed.
Punching my pillows, so I can have a place for my head.
After a few minutes, the cycle must again repeat.
Then there is an itching sensation, that begins in my feet.
After laying here for an hour, and going through this charade.
I get up and go to the refrigerator, for a midnight raid.
Now that I have a full stomach, maybe I'll have better luck.
But another hour passes, and this is really beginning to suck.
It's running close to two o'clock, and my eye's have yet to close.
Then there is another itch, except this time it's my nose.
My eyes begin to get heavy, and I'm hoping I will sleep.
And then I hear my alarm clock, beep, beep, beep.
By now it's four o'clock, and I still haven't slept a wink.
My eyes hurt so much now, they hurt to even blink.
I drag myself out of bed, so I can move forward with my day.
And hope that I will sleep tonight, or there will be hell to pay.
Another morning in the life
Of a P.T.D, I slurped my
Juice back all 400 ml, then
Stretched up, fingers
Wiggling as mother picked
Snuggles in the morning
Nothing better, to show I'm
Loved. But back to business,
As I turned my dummy to
The opposite side, the taste
Is better every time its turned
Soothing with each suck.
It was nearly breakfast time
A belly is never wrong,
Toast and jam, I smile
At mummy with my
Cheshire Jam smiled face.
"Silly little man"
As she wipes the smudges
From all over my face.
A case to solve, was my plan,
The missing statue of
SANDMAN BOB tm.
It was here before, but now
Gone, the prized possession
Of hairy dog, as I pat his head
And he licks my face
Doggy that was yuck, he wags
His tail and then he is off.
What a morning so much done,
Time for a nap then detective
Work to be done. I wake to
"Morning little man"
"How was your nap"
As i give my answer with a
Yawn and a smile, he gives
A cuddle then off to work for
Hours of fun and playing games.
The clues to be seen the trail
To be found, for I'm
"Potty Trained Detective"
And no case is to far, as
Long as I can have a nap
And a cuddle, maybe a
Little sip and a gulp, here
On look out of what is to
Hairy dog is sleeping in his
bed, I hear a noise I hear a
What a strange noise,
"No funny smells"
As I lift up his blanky
Softly so not to wake doggy's sleep,
And their he is safe and sound.
"Playing hide and go seek"
Under hairy dogs nose and bottom,
As he sleeps it does squeak, it
Does beep, I lift it up and under
His paw, to surprise him when
He awakens. A tail shall wiggle
And flop around, but the case was
Solved and a happy smile found.
Potty Trained Detective does it
Again, but for now it is nap time,
A new case, a new thing to be
Found. I will see you all again
Soon, But now its snuggles
Time with mummy in bed.
As I close my eyes night, night
I turn my dummy once more,
As sheep float quietly over my head.
Why people feel the need or desire to
Listen to the radio
Or surround themselves with machines that whir and beep
Or white noise to fall asleep
Or go to concerts
Is beyond me
I don't understand why
People want noise all the time
They're committing a terrible crime!
They mutilate silence
Tarnish delicate laconism
And mangle quiet
Machines and devices, noise and distraction from the essence of life
Tooting, blaring, screeching, whistling, crashing
Honking, booming cracking, grinding, and trilling!
We happily bask in this cacophony
So much noise that we tend to forget that
How truly precious real silence is-
A gold nugget in a long, tumultuous river.
Yet we don't want any of it, not even a sliver
Silence is that which comes nearest to expressing the ineffable
It's so pure and so true, so delectable
Silence is a true friend who never betrays
Whatever has happened to saying it all with a simple gaze?
Words are by no means proof of wisdom
Silence isn't ignorance or dullness of mind
Silence is refined
A pause between birdsongs
The mournful song of lonely hearts
The sigh of a tree
The shift of the clouds
The obscure and perishing rhythm of forgotten thoughts
The throb of the summer sun
The timid streaming of tears down a child's cheek
The fall of a snowflake
The pulse of the veins on a frail white wrist
And a kiss between whispered promises
Babble is empty
And words, like wire
May seem solid
Yet they can be twisted to resemble anything-
Weak promises, false prayers, delusive prophecies
And can easily be broken, if one distorts them enough.
Silence is more eloquent than phrases
It is not nothing
It has a form, dimension, substance
A texture and quality of its own
So many people associate it with mystery, privacy and isolation
When really it reveals it all
Silence can be jealous; rough and small
It can be peaceful; blue and hazy
It can be tumultuous; confused and crazy
Silence can be loving; soft and surrounding
Or it can be spiteful; violent and pounding
Silence can chaste; reserved and shy
Or it can sensual, with a voluptuous sigh
Silence can be puzzled; blurry and nauseous
It can be disgusted; halting and cautious
Silence can be grieving; a falling apart
It can be horribly heavy; the weighing of unspoken secrets on a fragile heart
Silence can be anything
Agitated, insecure, submissive or authoritative
Giddy or gloomy, vicious or respectful
Silence contains it all
Every word, every language,
All the knowledge, all the memories, all the emotions
If you've ever watched a sunrise, or been in love, or spent a night home alone, or sat in grieving silence as someone held your hand
Then you know this
The silly young, the brash and impatient ones, always break the silence
With gossip and music and profanity and small talk
They always giggle, interrupt, argue and squawk
Constant conversations, words, motions, defense, offense, back and forth
Yet those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking
Because to love and be quiet is enough
To hold hands and not say a word is enough
Silence is the gift of the world that we've pushed aside
A precious gift wrapped in white that we've rudely denied
Silence is the highest form of thought
And it is by slowly developing this mute contemplation in us that we will,
Step by step,
With reflections, speculations, and musing
Be able to reach what is true about ourselves.
When we are quiet and timid
We sit silently and watch the world around us
We see things, we read things, we hear things that others don't, we keep quiet about them, and we understand.
I don't understand why people fear the hush
Perhaps people are afraid to surrender to the clear nudity of it
Maybe all these fools think that to keep quiet is to erase yourself
Maybe they associate silence with loss of life
Perhaps some of them know that listening to the silence can be painful
That it can reveal the pain of the world
So they cower and shy away from it
Yet look at what I've done
I'm just like the rest of them, aren't I?
I wrote and wrote, yet what do all these words mean?
How pretentious of me to think I could be one to put silence into words