comes not with
bad grammar
or the stammer
       or misplaced i
it's not the
             its for is not
the stymied thought
                    or the common guy

It comes from
the million dollar word
                           to be heard
a life unspent to pay rent

                                   in a tent
and never asking


                                               WHY


SoulSurvivor
(C) 9/16/2015

Did you ever, as a child, chase a butterfly,
A tiny Golden Birdwing, perhaps
Or a Bronze Roadside-Skipper?

Flitting, faster than an arrow,
Over a rusting wheelbarrow fortress,
Under an electrified washing line,
Dive-bombing plastic remnants
Of the light infantry,

Before spinning away,

Courting the breeze in a whirling dance,
Winged-eyes blazing bright as childrens' buttons,
Vanishing in a cluster of gold chrysanthemums,
Reappearing, fluttering freely,
From a sea of bronze fennel.

Did you dash dash dash,
Arms flailing madly,
Mouth locked in a giggling grin?

And did you ****** ****** ******,
Tiny hands grasping, clutching at air,
Desperate to hold natures princess?

Do you remember?

            Dashing,  Snatching,  Grasping,

And suddenly,

                          She      Was      Gone?

And­ did you dare peep, clumsily,
Into your tiny hands,
Between your fragile fingers,

Half afraid you missed her,
Half again, you may find her,

            Crushed  In  Your  Hands?

The quest for desire is a chase,
So demanding,
So determined,
So distracting,

Attainment without consequence
Is your end game,
And is all that matters

Until you face the consequence
Of your end game,
When all that matters

            Is  What  Remains  In  Your  Hands?

My mind keeps winding me down with a million thoughts
And shutting me down with Hulk-like emotions
              How do you give away a million things that wants to stay?
They've been trying me everyday,
    that's if you wanted the truth
But,
There's something about water that now makes me more serene than anything

*I gotta thank the fire for water.

"How does this work?"
she asked with some agitation.
"I'm fond of so many,
following with expectation.
But eighty poets,
how do I keep up?
I've already filled
twice my tea cup.
Does it take all day?
Do I need to pray?
To get the energy to say,
'Heart it, love it,  
can't get enough of it.'
How will I ever find the time
To read even seventy nine?"

Affection is
a place of warmth and safety
where joy and fun collide
in an idea of future

Love is
unremitting emotion erupting
boiling flames of possible pain
a wondrous burning heat

Fear is
knowing you'll die alone and forgotten
discovered as a corpse years later
when neighbours complain about the mail

Joy is
being lost in a single moment
the unexpected laugh of being alive
a passing radiant smile

Depression is
a black tar bog
dragging you down
where even screams are drowned

Loneliness is
the unfortunate idea that
if i don't smile now
i won't get another chance

Happiness is
finding that memory
that will make me laugh
no matter the situation

Horror is
waking from my dreams
to find they're not real
and having to face this world

Self loathing is
the constant critique
and lists of all my faults
running through my head

Relief is
knowing it is only a few hours
i can sleep again
and lose myself in dreaming

Frustration is
when my head hits the pillow
and eyes drift close
but the mind will not let go

Strength is
waking up a normal unremarkable person
seeing all the pain the day will bring
and trying to make sure someone else will smile

Hope is
that there is someone out there
that i might meet today
that can make me smile

Bravery is
looking in the mirror standing tall
to brace my shoulders against this life
and making sure i make someone laugh today.

There was a child once
full of  barely hidden laughter and mischief
emotions endlessly poured out and back in
like a tide tasting a new shore for the first time
Where is that child i wonder

there was a traveler once
thirsting for the experience and life seen all around
headfirst diving into the world accepting
fearing nothing and witnessed with wide eyes
where is that traveler i wonder

there was a husband once
overflowing with found shining love
joy swamping easily the baseless fear of loss
proven in horrible perfection in a moment
where is that husband i wonder

there was a father once
completely enamored of a tiny squalling form
filled with a something that could not be defined
until it was gone drained and replaced with horror
where is that father i wonder

there was a lover once
coupled a shy temerity with a respectful tenderness
opening to possible love as a flower to sun
bruised and rejected on occasion though ever hopeful
where is that lover i wonder

there was a soldier once
who stood up with passion for those who could not
heart on the sleeve and thunder on the brow
viewing the world as a problem to be fixed
where is that soldier i wonder

there was a fighter once
who smiled sadly as he fought and killed in the name of money
laughing at the jokes his companions made in desperate tones
as they hid the slowly acidic thoughtful fear of being the bad guys
where is that fighter i wonder

there was a man once
betrayed and broken by this world and his choices
looking back across the memories that swirl and sift
ashes and dust that are all the remains of a once laughing child
and i don't need wonder where that man is.