I'm trying to convince myself deep down in dark parts of me
That I do not deserve love for many reasons all of which
Are coming across the same in my head because I have never been
Able to hold on long enough to something that wants to stay
But my body begs for you to lay down with me and tell me
That I am not alone, for once in my life I am not alone
In this race to figure out how to love myself first  
So that you can love me after.

In any given universe or galaxy
The ability to care about someone  
Can transcend across time and space
Next to you it felt as if  
Time would begin to slow down
Defying all laws of physics  
Giving me an undeniable strength
To overcome my deepest fears
Of abandonment and desolation
And hold you so close that
When we touch it's like electricity
A synapse of fire and brilliancy
Running up and down our bodies
Like a series of circuits
With an unbelievable power to
Make me feel like at the center
Of your chest is a familiar place
In which I can lay my head  
Looking up at the stars knowing
Wherever we may be in the world
Our skies will look the same.

As I bask in your sunshine
Taking in every moment
Every ray of light
Warming my heart
I think of how beautiful it is
That someone can be just as
Breath taking as a warm winter day
As the breeze floats through the window
The wind whispers to the plants
Or as magical as a sunset along the ocean
Pink and purple mixing
Like they were lovers
Meant to meet each other each each time
The sun says hello to the moon.

Happiness now became defined by
Every moment spent laying with you
Nothing else in the world mattered
The warmth of your body touching
Mine set my soul on fire
I found healing somewhere
Where it did not live before
You put me back together again
Piece by piece with infinite parts
I wanted to give you all of me
I wanted to fall into you
Surrender every ounce of me
That I had left to give
And dance with you in the moonlight
Over and over again
Like a melody in my head
Because you were the orchestra
And my dear you gave me the sweetest symphonies.

Looking into your hazel eyes I found a new world
I learned what it was like to find someone
Who wants every part of you for themselves
I know even now sitting here telling myself
That my heart can't afford to face darkness again
That surely there is going to be a moment
Where you'll look into my eyes
Grab my hands and wrap your fingers between mine
Hold me tight through the night
Wake up in the morning and look at me generously
As your body sinks into mine
And I will fall completely for you
And I will forget what it is like to be alone.

I pulled the skeletons out of my closet
Summarized my darkest fears of abandonment
And held them between your fingers as I struggled
To explain my deepest rooted pain through words
Like surrendering everything that has left me empty
And giving it to you to use as a weapon against me
Shattering every wall I have built to keep away anyone
Who would care enough to understand why I ever
Built a wall in the first place.

I am translucent
But I see everything quite clearly
I don’t wear black cloak
That’s just scary  
I was there when the hurricane hit
That poor village on the coast
I was standing in the sand
And I saw faces
All those miserable faces
The panic in their eyes
I carried each of their bodies
Even the starving children
Cradled in their mothers arms
I wanted to leave them
Believe me  
I wanted to
I hate seeing tears
It makes me cry
How ironic
I cry
But I have a job
It haunts me
I’ve seen beautiful moments
Humans with compassion
Humans who genuinely love  
Who aren’t ready to let go
Of the hands they hold so close
The way they look into each other
Their eyes when they fill with tears
It makes me hate my job
 I’ve seen tragic moments
As I sit beside humans
Who have taken their lives
I weep as I take their hand
I have emotions too
I hate wars
****** battlefields
A huge mess to clean up
I hate funerals  
I gather families to say goodbye
And I get to greet with a hello
I hate souls that try to fight back
There aren’t second chances
I’m just doing my job
You get used to it
It gets easier
It’s an important job
The most important one there is
And I’ve seen humans in all forms
Evil selfish virtuous crazy fools
Most are ready for me
Open their arms wide
I love their embrace
Most aren’t ready
Too young
Not enough time
Want to run away
Wish for a different life
It makes my heart cringe
How ironic
Even death has a heart.

Here I am at 11:48PM sitting at a street corner
At a busy intersection of my thoughts
Wondering how you and I got to this point
I drive sometimes off of my normal route
Wandering and down my neighborhood streets  
Searching for a sign to tell me why
I can't seem to piece together how we fell apart
When we never learned to fall together
I ask myself why it felt like I was always hospitalized
After speaking to you like they were injecting  
Disappointment into my bloodstream
With no cure to the pain you have given me  
I sit at red lights in at the near the edge of crosswalks
Hoping that when the lights change I'll understand
Why our paths crossed in the first place
Why it was so **** hard for you to hold on
Why you wouldn't hold my hand tightly at night
Why my face reminded you of something much less
Than a forever or an always
Like I'm on a never ending journey to discover
Why I feel so empty inside
Why I'm always claiming second place
Why I can't seem to hold onto anything  
That makes my body scream "love me".

I bottled up
All the syllables
Of every word  
From every man
Who made me feel
Like I wasn't enough
Not enough to say
Good morning because
That would just be too much
Not enough to kiss
Goodbye every time
You were off with
God knows who
Not enough to hold
At night because  
You were afraid of warmth  
I built a wall  
Made of stone  
Around what  
Once was hope
So tall I thought
No one could possibly
Find the end of it
I packed it up boxes
Only to be reopened  
When you asked me
Why I packed them  
Up in the first place
And I wept at the thought
Of someone having the power
To shatter every bottle
Tear down every wall
Only to find that the
Hope slowly died  
With every word
That left every tongue  
Of every man
Who made me feel
Like I wasn't
Worth being someone's
Galaxy full of stars.

I  built this home in your heart with white windows and wooden floors that would creak when we ran around and laughed for hours in the night time.

I built this home in your heart with my very own hands that were intertwined in yours when we sat on the porch to watch the moon paint the sky with boundless constellations.

I built this home in your heart with a garden outside where I planted a tree hoping gradually it would grow even through the fights we would have when you would come home late and always leave the table lights on.

I built this home in your heart with the hope that one day our children would play together in the our backyard where I could sit underneath the tree that grew with each moment we argued saying words we didn’t mean.

I built this home in your heart that fought through the hours of the days when you would disappear from me  and my wandering mind praying you would return soon.

I built this home in your heart held by beams that slowly began to grow old as years passed and I began to push you around the house while you held my wrinkled hands.

I built this home in your heart where the tables and chairs grew dusty with faint memories of the days when we were young and free from all of the problems of the world when there was hope for our souls to flourish and grow.

I built this home in your heart that stopped suddenly on the day when the sky filled with gloomy greys and the clouds began to cry with me as we stood outside the house I had called my own without a heart to call my home.

For a very small moment in time
I wish you could look through my eyes
And see yourself walking away from me
Feel the pain I felt the day you decided
You no longer needed to leave the door unlocked
Or find me in the aisle of the supermarket
Where we would kiss up against the freezers
And pick out our favorite ice cream
You always said I was your favorite flavor
I wish you could feel how you tasted on my lips
When you spoke the words that sounded like
They were poorly thought about during all
The moments you spent lying in bed next to her
While I was fast asleep dreaming about you
I wish you could feel the way your hands felt
Cradling my fingers when you counted everything
You loved about me in just ten words
Now when I stare at my hands they're writing
Words I promised I'd never send you
I wish you could feel the way it felt to be
Completely drowned in lies & excuses
Like they took the oxygen right out of me
I wish you could see how beautiful you made me feel
When you placed your hand over my heart & smiled
Because you said it made you feel at home
But now I am standing alone in a world where
You painted a lilac sky and a golden sunset
& now when I look up at the stars
I wish you could feel how it feels to be alone.

I'm tired of feeling like I was the one
Who didn't try hard enough to keep you
I kept crossing sidewalks to find you
I drove over bridges back and forth
Thinking that every time I'd pass over
I'd see your shadow standing at the edge
And thinking what it would be like if
My shadow was still there with you
I keep looking for you in the aisle of the thrift stores
Where you tried on old coats because
You used to say they made you feel wiser
I tried writing a letter to you the other day
And my hand went numb when I tried to explain
Why I had even picked up a pen in the first place
I tried ordering my tea without honey only to realize
You were always the sweetener
Someone asked me what it felt like to lose someone
I told them it's like the empty feeling in your chest
It's like moving into an abandoned house
It's like hearing your voice on their voicemail
100 times on repeat until your ears drown
From the lack of sleep in your voice
I sleep next to strangers hoping that maybe
Their shadows will fill the emptiness in my sheets
I walk through puddles to see my reflection
And remind myself that you were the one who
Didn't try hard enough to stick around
You won't drive over bridges to find me
Because you already burnt them down.