Little black bird,
I was once you
I died inside myself and hung in the shadows
There was nothing on this earth lonelier than I was
Just as you write

I was once you
I saw a slight glimmer on earth and that was only a puddle beneath my feet from my tears falling off my face
I saw humanity but nothing worth saving
I felt nothing and screamed inside all day long until it was time to finally rest for a few hours
I answered questions doubtfully and walked alone

I was once you
Silence understood me better than anyone could ever begin to
Darkness was my best friend
Love was my enemy
Family was a foreign concept
The sidewalk knew me better than I wanted to admit
My diary stared me back in the face and mocked me
The mirror couldn't stand me
My eyes were always hazy
And music was my savior

The realm in which I lived was heavy
Every day was an ongoing battle of depression and it was never ending
Life was a sick joke and happiness did not exist. Ever.

Because I was once you,
I know that you are great.
I know how beautiful you really are inside
Beneath the destruction,
In the place where nobody else knows where to find
Someplace you have not yet discovered

Trust me little black bird,
You may be small but you are not overlooked.
You may feel weak
But you are stronger than you realize.

A fragile bird
I tried to hold you
In my hand

The crinkling of my eyes
Brought tears
Drowned out by the patter of rain

I wasn't ready to see you
But I couldn't wait

For months I felt like
I had forgotten how to breathe

Your hand was cold
But your eyes met mine
With warmth

And the restlessness,
The tide breaking
Underneath my skin
was finally, futiley
Still.

first it's the shock
you can't even believe it.
then comes the anger
oh god the burning you'll feel inside.
you hate him and hate him and curse him
for every single happy memory
he gave you.
then the despair comes
you're awake endless hours of the night,
and you hate yourself and hate yourself and curse yourself
for allowing yourself to fall in love
with his demonic smile
and unhallowed laugh.
you cry your eyes red
your sadness takes on a physical form.
you don't eat.
you don't sleep.
you feel no compelling reason to be
alive.
the longer it was, the longer this lasts
and every time you think you're getting better,
you spiral down the drain again and
suffocate in your own grief.
you cut your skin and
your veins are trying to accommodate
all the alcohol diffusing into your blood.
you scream at the top of your lungs
you believe you are going insane
and the only thought haunting you
for the rest of your days is
"why wasn't i good enough?"
(e.s 'november fifteenth')

you think about someone too long listening to a song
and they start to creep their way into the chords,
climb their way up on the staff, find their place in the rests
until there's no where you can't see them. hear them. miss them.

there are a lot of songs I can't listen to anymore
I will never be unsurprised by the injustice that just one person can do
to another by simply trying their best to exist.
I throw out favorite movies and favorite artists and favorite books,
I throw out pieces of me everyday because I can't carry them alone.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't keep us like we wanted.
I'm sorry that we weren't the strong adults we thought,
just small children who tried to make a home in each other's arms.
And maybe you don't feel that way - but when I hear the crooning
of a boy singing about how we were spoons,

I can't help but notice all the scars we left, two knives
pretending that we could never really hurt each other,
getting closer and closer
until there was nothing left to cut.

Emotion has been the huntress of my soul since I can recall
Completely filling every inch of this physical being
Be it an amazing high
or a deathly low
Either way my spirit is ruled by her
I hear whispers in the early morning light
Faint and smooth barley able to determine any form of speech
Speaking to me, slowly recalling every moment of despair
Every moment of pure bliss
My mind will forever be running to decode the meaning of it all
Endlessly gathering and hiding the dark ones
Pushing them so far away from the surface, so that they are never to be seen by the outside world
Groveling at the feet of my fellow man
For one small speck of affection,
for one second to feel whole
Longing for acceptance in a world too shallow for this old soul
A mask of narcissism hides the outcast
Hides the feeling of disgust felt when I look in a mirror
Disguises the hollow center of it all
So well that I  begins to believe the outward appearance
Believe the words of favor and beauty
Even if only for a brief glimpse to see myself as I can only imagine
But these eyes have been darkened by years of apathy from those  I craved acceptance
Never been easy for me to speak the intensity of every emotion I experience
Putting word to paper has been my only saving grace
The only insight to who I truly am
For the outside world to view a small piece of my heart.

I lay fresh flowers along your crumbling gravestone wondering why you left me in the way you did. You opened up my eyes to so much of the world, so how I could I have been so blind to the pain you were feeling? You’re gone and I can no longer hold on to you so I lay crying in my bed clinging to the letter you left me. You said it wasn’t my fault and that I was the closest thing to a savior you ever believed in yet you’re not here so I guess I failed and was never as good as you believed me to be.
You killed yourself and yet its as if you took my breath away instead of your own because here I am four years later still trying to find a way to breath.