i smile

i laugh

i cry

i'm no longer laughing
and the corners of my mouth have changed direction

why won't you stop?

after i posted a selfie
a boy from my small town wrote me
"were you always kind of sweet"
"you look good"
"come over ;)"
i answer
because i don't want to be rude
sadness and anxiety bubbles up inside of me
i hate this

i aspire to be
a breaker of
standards and norms,
expectations and obligations
so that you can live
in peace and quiet
in harmony and happiness
but to do so
i must first
break my own

from birth
the cup is filled with water
dust will and can land
directly in your cup
but fear not
for it goes to the surface
stones are a whole different thing though
they weigh more
than your water in your cup
they’ll push it out
leaving you
with a cup of stones
and tiny spaces with water
that used to be clean

you smell like
bad decisions
and cigarettes

i'm gonna show you
maybe not today
but one day
i'll show you everything that
you lost
when you treated me
as if i was nothing
a stranger on the street
all this beauty
all this fire
will be spent on
someone else
and i hope your heart crumbles
when you see
everything that you
pushed away

am i able to
love myself
and hate myself
at the same time?

they told me to take pills
so that i would get better
now i'm taking pills
and i'm only getting worse

still to this day
when i am unbothered
my mind strolls
to a single thought of
you

i know that they're
"small things",
but
you don't know
my world's
aspect ratio

i'm tired of
sounding like a
cliché
but probably even more
tired
of the fact that it's normal
to feel
what i feel
and to experience
what i have experienced

i want to feel
i want to feel it all
but i dont feel
i kind of fall
but not into love
i fall into a void
of self pity and hate

i feel like i see
all the things that
you don't

i would give up
the thrills of a
thousand lifetimes
just to be yours
for a single day

imagine
writing a book
bhuuff

i thought the black
was a reflection
of his soul
i was wrong
but not really
it wasn’t a soulless black
it was the colour
of all the colours

a black beverage in front of me
alarming
but at the same time
exciting

i know that it's dangerous
especially to me
but i drink it anyways
in one go

and now i'm crying
black
you made me cry
i knew it would happen

you see me
as if i am perfect
but my dear
you have been blinded
by that kind heart of yours

teary eyes
purple, orange, yellow
green, blue skin
a forced smile

i always approach new people
everyone thinks i'm just that social
but i'm actually just scared of boredom

i see the cracks in your brick wall
it’s okay
my walls have damage too

i sit here
with a heart that is
burning
it's burning fiendishly
for acceptance
and love
for happiness
and a future
and you're a carrier of water
just like me
but you don't extinguish my fire
instead
you pour alcohol on it
and then you leave
me

the butterflies in my stomach
turn to wasps in my head

the chalkboard chatters
in its different languages
ancient ways
am i supposed to understand?
understand all of this
it’s just chalkboard chatter
- not important to me
i’m important to them

after all this time
that i have spent
being miserable
i have begun
to find it
comforting

it's a bit like stockholm syndrome
in the beginning
i hated my misery
but now
after all these years
i long for it
and miss it when it's gone

i am used to it, you see
i grew up in it
and that's quite sad
a sad comfortable misery

i'm sick of this crush culture
where everyone wants to be in love with looks
and no one wants to be in love with personality

i love darkness

you can't see me;
or
i can't see myself

in darkness i am finally
okay

dear you
i wish i was beside you
the one to keep you warm at night
the one to give you comfort in life
and praise every single asepct of you
but i'm broken
and scared
my heart wants to come home
but it can't

death is normal
death is inevitable

it's the way death happens
we won't accept

i fell into a deep grey void
and i can't get out
there's no sky
nothing but emptiness here
but i can sense the other side
so i scrath the walls until my nails bleed
red
i'll never reach the colours outside
so i'll settle for the red blood that's appearing
in my attempt of trying

oh my
all you dumb ******* boys
who see me
and think
'hm alright'
and meet me
and think
'she's funny'
maybe also cool and kind
but you guys
you're so ******* dumb
because you haven't really seen me
and you give me hope for
that someone would actually love me
but i know that it's a ******* lie
i hate you for giving me hope

i'm not gonna end my own life
but i'm thinking about it
i would never do so
putting that kind of weight on another soul
is a cruel act
that i could never do

Will I ever fall in love
and be truly happy,
or will I just fall
and be truly lonely.

i spent two years
looking up to you
admiring you
your work
your thoughts
your being

and then I got sick
i crumbled mentally
vanished bit by bit

i started doing stuff
that I wasn’t allowed to
i wanted to feel something
be something else than just a
grey matter
in a grey world

you disapproved
but you didn’t say anything
nothing
you almost let me
self destruct

and now that someone has
intervened
i am trying to make a
mence  
but you don’t care
you only see the few bad things
you forgot me
and us
you forgot that i
need you

you used to inspire me
and make me laugh
now all you ever do is
make me cry

i see you
and feel nothing
i see you
and want to feel something

my bond
to fictional characters
come from the lack
of real people

i ask myself
- was it hard?
and i answer
- of course

but what was worse
was forgetting your
voice

i frame out an apple
and i frame out a pear
but behind it lies
a world
- my world
in despair