I love you, but I am scared of you
I am scared of what you know
Of how you think and how you feel
Of how you are
I am scared of how you see the world
I am scared of how much you know of me
that I don't know of myself
I am scared of your ability
to hurt
to maim
perhaps
to ****
I am scared of how dangerous you can be
Of how dangerous you are
Of your dark tendencies
And your twisted mind
I am scared of what is in your head

You are evil
You threaten me
Blackmail me
Use your power over me
You say 'You don't know what I am capable of'
And I don't
And that is what scares me most
The unknown

Your mind is uncharted waters
I am scared to venture into deep
For fear of being hurt in the crossfire
Because when I am close to you
I fear that you will hurt me
Sometimes, when you are angry
I fear you
I fear for myself
I fear that I am only a pawn in your wicked games
You say you can do things to me
Though I know you never would
It scares me
That you could

You know too much
And see too much
Everywhere you go your eyes flit around
You breathe in everything
You take in every detail
I am scared
of what you take in
about me

Don't you see?
How you terrify me?
You barbarian
So violent, ruthless, unpredictable
Sometimes
It is as if I don't know you
You are a demon
A devil
The spawn of Satan himself
But I love you
I love you
But I am scared of you

I remember
His voice
So loud and enraged and full of contempt
I remember the hand
And the resounding noise it makes
I remember the flash, and the sting on the side of my face
I remember the burn behind my eyes
I remember the blur
I remember that single stray tear
And then the others
Streaming down my face in rivulets
I remember trying to contain myself
Trying to keep it all in
Don’t make a sound
Don’t
But I did
And I remember the shouting
And then the calm
His voice, so full of disappointment
And I remember thinking
Could anything be worse than this
I remember he left
I remember my feet moving down the hallway
I remember closing the door and covering my mouth
I remember the choked sobs that racked through my body
I remember my breathing, so ragged and out of control
It took hours for me to calm down
And I remember looking at myself afterwards
I remember my bloodshot eyes and tangled hair
I remember that feeling
Of being alone
Of having not fulfilled
Of being unwanted
And whenever I remember
I feel it again

What
Is
Happening
My fingers
On
Fire
Tingling
It's hot
Too hot
I can't breathe
I
Need
Air
The world is
Moving
Panicking
Why
Can't
I
Breathe
Help
Need
Help
So
Dizzy
I­
Need
Air
What is
Happening
To
Me
Am I
Dying?
I
Need
Water
My throat
So dry
Nerves
On fire
I'm dying
I can't
Breathe
No
Air
Help
Dying
It's hot
But now
it's cold
Am I shaking?
Why won't
It stop
Losing
Control
The world
Is spinning
Still
Chest
Hurts
Why
Does it
Hurt
Am I having
A heart attack?
No
Oh God
I can't breathe
Help
I'm dying
I'm dying
I'm dying

At first
You meant nothing to me
You were just another one
Another blonde hair, blue eyes
In the back of the room
Just another one
In the sea of insignificant faces
That I would soon forget

But then
Suddenly
You are someone
Suddenly
You are the one
With the blonde hair and the blue eyes
But you are also
The one
With the big dreams
The dead parents
The voices in his head
The large hands and long fingers
The golden streak in his fair hair
And the most beautiful blue eyes the world has ever seen
You are different
Suddenly
I want to be with you
Every waking hour of every waking day
I want to be by your side
Listening to the deep baritone of your voice
Suddenly
I want to spend an eternity
Memorising the handsome features of the face
Suddenly
I cannot bear to be parted from you
You mean too much to me
It came on so quickly
I didn't see it coming
How did it come to this?
How could I have not seen it before?
How could I have regarded you simply as just another one
In the back of the room?
You are so much more than that
You beautiful being
How could you have changed so much in my eyes?
How could I be
Suddenly
Falling for you?

do you
really need
to eat that?
think of the fat
around your waist
around your thighs
around your face
take it
that's right
squeeze it
think of the meter on the scales
watch it rise
pound after pound
think of your bloated belly
you disgusting failure
now tell me
do you really need to eat that?

sometimes
death seems like the most viable option

You are The One I would die for
And you are The One I live for

let the fear run out of your soul
and drip down the walls
staining blood-red
like tears
on ceramic skin

There was a time
when all I wanted to be
was yours
and all I wanted to do
was be with you
but not anymore

I'm sorry