I remember the evening
that we sat clinging
to paper cups
of coffee gone cold

over secrets spilled and memories told
two bodies cursed
with hearts grown old

behind your eyes
I found new worlds
A winding road stretched out for miles
to a small cafe at the end of the isle

Sweet pastries filled the mouths
of those who sat beside us
and stayed for a while.

How the hours went by,
people just passing through
The descending sun ending
a forever with you.

What if I told you that...

my brother, well he's older than me
but he has a mental disability
he isn't like you and me
he learns, thinks, and acts differently
so at 23, he's a little brother to me

and growing up, a little brother he was . . .
THE MOST OBNOXIOUS THING ON THE PLANET
always taking things without asking!
THREE YEARS I NEVER GOT TO EAT MY HALLOWEEN CANDY, THREE YEARS.
and there's no telling how he found it because by that age
I had him beat in hide and go seek like no bodies business
EXCEPT THE TIME I ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT OUT ALIVE
he turned the dryer on while me and my poodle, baby-girl, were still inside

but even that isn't as bad as the time
HE COMPLETELY ERASED POKEMON GOLD AFTER I BEAT THE ELITE FOUR.... man ~
I CRIED AND I CRIED AND I CRIED AND I CRIED AND I CRIED  until there were tears no more

and

No more did I want to watch dragon ball z, no more
No more did I want to play another card game of yu-gi-oh, no more, not after that whole debockle, no!
I didn't want to play hide and go seek and I definitely did not want to go trick-or-treat

"You're too big to receive any candy" the neighbors would say as they shut the door in his face
and as he walked back, tears in his eyes, confused in his super hero disguise as to why he got denied

It was then that I realized I was growing older and even though he could be the biggest pain in my neck, he's my brother.

so, to me it was as if I had to protect him, from then on out,
to look after and defend him,
to guard against all the rude comments and hateful tauntings
the other kids would try to impress upon him

It was then I became the rubber that stuck to his shoes, that kept his feet placed firmly upon the ground
So he would know how to stand up for himself

because it was then I watched my mother tell that lady to try again
and when she came back, in one hand, she carried a bag of candy and in the other, a bag of apologies

oh and it was then that I knew
when she wasn't around, I would be
and that it was up to me to be his rock and not to roll
in and out of his life like everyone and everything else
that out grows him

IT WAS THEN THAT I KNEW

the
stars
we
are
specks of gold
sprinkled
throughout
the
starry starry night

Procrastination
the greatest motivator,
eventually.

time; can you hold slowly for me,
i find that i can't unravel myself
these days.


all i can think of is my old home by the river,
on the stone-lined hill
by the church


(i've spent three years here with you,
from that first breath and then dive right in to you.
but i was not ready, and it never felt the same)

and i only crave a time when i savoured everything.
a slow time
alone
in my old apartment.
with her wood floors
and high ceilings
and a window that opened like a guillotine
onto the balcony
with my white cast iron furniture
where the rain would collect
and the sun would hit me in the morning,
and i'd wake to it.
and september would be my favourite month,
because of the leaves, not because of your birthday.
and coffee would be my ritual
and i didn't have tv
and i had my records
and places for things
and my plants would sit by my window
and i'd draw there
and sing
and cook
i wouldn't order food, i'd walk to the grocers
i'd work out in my living room
watch movies on my terribly old tv, on a dvd player
i'd watch tv shows on repeat
and i loved it


and i was alone.
and i loved it.