Bleurose

Bleurose Apr 2018

We 'sit' together
but we don't. Do we?
We're at different desks in different homes in different lives.

Miles between us and an ocean for some.

Others don't always understand how you can miss what you can't touch or just BE with.

What I'd give to watch TV on the sofa with you all for a day. When you're sad I can't hold you or bake sweet things - nor can I chase away the threats and thoughts I worry that one day you will succumb to.

(and maybe we'd never know where you went.)

I miss you all with my whole being, with you I don't feel alone but when I hang up...I snap back to the reality that I can't reach you.

My brain will toy with all these ideas on how we could meet but you still aren't free and money does not come easily to me and I reach, and reach... and I...

...just miss you.

I miss you all.

#online #friendship #long #distance

Bleurose Mar 2018

Keys

I'm holding the keys to my childhood home -
and I can't help but think of all the days I spent alone.
No curtains or blinds, just plain open sky.
There was no company save for the birds and I.

There was college, the guild,
a family I helped rebuild.
But inevitably, the day would end and I had to go home,
returning to my collection of tomes.

Sometimes I would wander outside,
to the village, to which my soul was tied.
I sat among the bluebells, listening to them ring,
And with my godly father Zephyr, I began to sing.

During bad times, I'd run to the hill,
throwing stones with no real skill.
I screamed my broken pieces into the air,
because I knew no one else would care.

Sighing, I clutch the keys as they cut into my skin.
This was my home, these were my kin.
Now, it is my 'sanctuary' no longer.
At least now, I am stronger.

#abuse #childhood #lonely #nature

Jan 2018

Mysidian Bard

The Problem with Knots

There was a time when you and I
were impossibly tied to one another,
when we reached the ends of our ropes
we had no place to go but each other.

Years of the world trying to pull us apart
had only made us more tightly bound,
but when it came time for us to part
there was no way we could be unwound.

The problem with knots is when they get too tight
and you no longer want them teathered,
you're left with a single heartbreaking choice:
one end needs to be severed.

A rope that's cut will lose its strength
and the ends will begin to fray,
so one would expect it to loosen in time
until it finally falls away,

but even though my end was cut
the day we were torn apart,
the piece of me that remained tied to you
became the chains that still bind my heart.

#love #loss #regret #knots #heartbreak #bound

Bleurose Jan 2018

A letter of frustration

You're lying to yourself.
Slipping back into what is easy, warm and comforting.

Avoiding confrontation with your keepers - who have enough on their plate.
To please them, you lock yourself away.

You fool, you're blind to your complacency. That I can see. I did the same. My eyes are open. I suffered. I told my tale.

Now you're fool enough to do the same anyway.
Well I did my part.
But I will still be angry at stupidity.

Well sometimes, life isn't easy, and you have to fight against people you love.
Life won't wait for you to be ready.
You have to be strong now, get it together now, before it's too late.

Why you're sad,
Why you're unfulfilled,
Why you're longing for her even though that's not what you want:

You want yourself.

A letter to a friend of mine.

#love #frustration #friendship #anger #mask

Bleurose Dec 2017

You.

Your soul calls out to me, did Lethe make us forget? Who we were to each other?
Who are you?

It matters not, I reached you too late and our souls entwine, fingertips brush.. but I can never cross the ocean between us.

Despite all my words, all my 'wisdom' - my temper gets me into trouble.

I told you I wasn't good.
I told you that people would fail you, we both knew.
Yet you opened up because we asked and it was a crack, a slither of who you are.

But it was enough, it was enough.
I'm sorry I failed you. You should never trust anyone - but I wanted to be one of your exceptions.

#friends #duck #sanctum

Bleurose Aug 2017

If you look

Depression can be found coiled tightly around my heart
Tugging on the strings to evoke painful memories.
Things that could have been,
Of dreams that can never be real.

Depression can be found in the mirror,
mocking my body for how it’s all wrong,
fat in places, there shouldn’t be.
Roundness where there should be angles.

Depression can be found in nature
where the beauty or lack thereof,
reminds me of how it isn't 'home'.
The stars don’t shine here.

It is always overcast.

I am feeling homesick, yet I'm homeless.

#depression #homesick #dysphoria