how does a man
who has done what you have done
live with himself
look at himself
-in the mirror

I'm working on trying to maintain
a sense of tranquility
my diary
is filled with spontaneous arguments
and I am attempting to understand
just what makes it real
and at the beginning, it is mostly a reflection
on being an artist
but then later
it is something else
entirely
people come, people go
some grow young, some grow cold
Tom Petty
was a visionary

Touch me
Love me, or at least tell me you do
Lie to me
And let me disappear
In this moment  
Craving the touch of a stranger
In the night
Pain, with pleasure as my relief
I know I'm mistaken
But I need him to numb me
Numb me enough to get through my days
Because this shallow sting will remain
And I will bear the stains
Of a secret lover
Who I will only be there for, in the sheets
And him, for me
In the night
Returning to the cold of mine
Oh, how bittersweet
This shall be
Love me, In The Night

Golden pools of false luck and sinister emotions caress your broken soul and temporarily mend the aching parts that seem to make up more than half of you while dark brown fields of hope are your anchor as you let go of all the cares bottled up inside. Sighs of relief fill the air as you embrace soft skin and soak into the comfort that easily flows from the golden pools and sighs of relief fill the air as you feel the pull of the anchor holding you in place that allows you to release every anxiety ever experienced. Safe. You feel safe. This must be love because complex emotional connections mean more to the both of you and innocent touch with a single kiss are enough for a life time of separation. Why? Because it meant more to look at him and know his thoughts than to feel him and only know his carnal desires. Emotional no mental stimulation in general was more fascinating than the anatomy of a boy. And a girl. To know who the other was past physical interaction past superficial  touch. It was better to know he wanted me past my physicality and more for my intellectuality. Beauty. Redefined by him as intelligence and the ability to stimulate minds rather than look good on a magazine cover.

Empty days practiced by people all hiding from the realities that stand in front of us, daunting us, taunting us, casting shadows on our heads. Empty days practiced on purpose by people all hiding from realities due to fear of substance but we long for substance. Substance that casts the shadow looming over our heads, taunting us, daunting us. Laughing at the endless circles we run in hiding from the substance we yearn for, we long for but would rather lose our breath for because our fear is far greater that our need for understanding of truth, understanding of ourselves and the things that surround us. Empty days practiced by people conflicted between fear and need. Empty days practiced by people discontent with a stunted growth but no motivation for nurture. We would rather live in a false pretense of what we are and what the world is than face our fear of honesty and confrontation. Truth is substance and substance gives us depth. Depth feeds our understandings and allows us to grow as people. But we would rather digress than progress because as a society we cannot accept that flaws are not permanent and we cannot accept blame or acknowledge that we create pain. That we are apart of the darkness. Empty days practiced by ignorant people, practiced by me, and practiced by you.

I love the rain
not because of the smell
or because it makes the flowers grow
but because
when I stand beneath it
I can breathe
I am made anew
It washes away my transgressions
and it washes away the impurities the earth
has been keeping
I feel light
the earth is light
and I can see now
the grey is gone
and it is brighter now
the earth is made brighter now
the sun pushes the clouds and it is bright
there is color
my earth is made of color
the churning grey of the sea
is now a magnificent clear blue
the sky is a pure blue brightened by the sun
and I can hear it now
the birds are singing louder
and I am rejoicing louder
because the rain has made the earth whole
the rain hasd made me whole
and because it so willingly does this
I will forever be made whole
and I will hear the magnificent sounds
and my earth will no longer be grey
and I will shine
and I will feel light
and I will forever be made anew
so long as I stand beneath that rain
and let it take away my pains
I love the rain
not because of the smell
or because it makes the flowers grow
but because it freely pours
and because with it
I am made whole