I haven’t been myself lately
You know that it is my yearly thing, well ever since you’ve been gone
I went back to places that reminded me of you
Like our old house, where I used to visit you every Christmas day and Father’s day
I went to your grave a week after my last visit
I just felt the need to “be with you"
I wanted to find comfort, to feel loved
I went back to my old workplace
I wanted to remember how I made coffee for strangers while you were dying
5 years and still no justice
Seemed like I have given up but I didn’t
I just grew up dad, and learned how forgiveness goes
But I will never forget
I will never forget how soon you left
I will never forget the bullet marks in your chest
I will never forget you daddy
Someday daddy, we’ll find you that justice that you deserve

I am at it again
The adrenaline rush, the sweat, the euphoric yet sadistic approach to grant my inner desires
My body continuously shivered in the dark
As if there was some chemical reaction that was happening to my very core
I was out of control
Everything went out of hand but I felt  most alive during the last 20 something minutes of that night
I was too high to remember everything
I was too high to care that it was 5am and I was still far from home
But my body remembered
My body will never forget how everything else felt right
Every stroke, every scratch, and that electrifying feeling breaking every principle I had in my system since day one
It finally made sense to me now
Everything is perfectly clear to me now

It’s 5:00 am. I feel cold and I am here lying on a stranger’s bed.
No scratch that lying on a “new friend’s” bed. Contemplating on how poorly I have made my decisions for the past 2 hours yet never regretting anything.
I do not know what has gotten into me. My body feels like it is in a state of euphoria, all my senses are alive.
I am as high as ****, too high to even care that I am too high.
I love where I am. I love the liberty, the spontaneity, I love everything.
I wish I could have done this during my younger years. I wish I could have done this before with the same state of mind as what I have now.
And now I am just too old to give a **** on anything that should matter. I grew tired of trying to prove to myself and to others that I maybe can stand alone.
I have needs, everybody has needs that should be addressed and I have found a rather old way to address mine. And it doesn’t matter what others say.
Because in the end, no one will give a **** about your life, anyway.

I was a monster once again
I wanted to stop myself from shouting at you
But the words just cane flying out of my mouth
Incomparable to the sweet promises of forever that I told you once under the stormy clouds
I didn't exactly know what happened
So bear with me if I can't explain it to you the way it should be explained
I have loved you, maybe or maybe not
Or maybe i do not know or maybe I am not capable of loving at all
Because you don't hurt the person you love
So please don't hurt me
Don't cause me any more stress
Don't stalk me
Don't try to talk to me and ask me out to watch a movie
Because we are never even friends to begin with
And I do not want to ever be your friend

You are not broken
You are perfectly fine
Like visions of a pink ribbon perfectly gliding through your pale skin

You are okay
You are alright
Like the sound of the crashing waves at night

You are happy
You are alive
Like the taste of freshly cooked bacon

You are unhappy
You are pretending
You are afraid
You are a liar

Grind, roll, light, burn
Puff, puff pass
And it goes on

Every single day
From the moment I wake
Until before I lay

My mind is in cotton candy world
My body is in a state of Euphoria
My soul is alive, I feel alive

Grind, roll, light, burn
Puff, puff pass
And it goes on

My eyes burn fire
My stomach is growling from hunger
Can you please give me a burger?

My feelings, gone astray
But I still feel alive the most
I have lost it all, I have burnt it all

And they asked me
"Are you down to ****? Or  do you prefer friends with benefits?
Either way there would never be any emotions involved", they say
I said "no, I don’t want any of those things"
Their faces started to change
My guards are high up and they suddenly wanted the chase

But "seriously no", I reiterated
"I don’t want my body to be used in any of your fantasies
It’s not that I haven’t tried any of those things you are imagining right now
I have been there, I have done that
Far too many times than the acceptable number
But I am not ashamed, I am not proud either"

Some of them turned their backs on me due to their dismay
“You shouldn’t really be here” they say
But I am just looking for someone to talk to
This is something that they really cannot accept

I know that my credentials fill your heads with imagination
My photos burn your souls alive
And my words linger in your minds
I have you all trapped under my finger tips
You all want me, but I don’t want you
I am sorry, but not in that way

Because I have been there, I have done that
Far too many times than the acceptable number
But I am not ashamed, I am not proud either
Because I know my worth
And none of you deserves my