i look at the clock
4am, another night
it's clear i'm not getting any dozing hours for myself
yet i still have to rise in two hours for class.

in this moment, i only wanted to die.
be buried under the beautiful birches in the lonely cemetery
maybe i can get all the sleep i need when i'm dead.

my heart still aches for you,
the fatal craving never subsiding.

the glowing red numbers burn into my eyes, once again
i haven't slept very well since the last time we spoke

you know
everything reminds me of what we used to be
as i form new bonds, nothing feels like what i had with you
even as i listen to the boy i befriended just yesterday speak shyly,
nothing feels like you
nothing will replace you

maybe i'll perpetually miss this
the thing we shared
because really,
nothing ever hurt so bad.

my eyes are swollen as i stare at the clock
2:17am,  it reads
tick tock
tick tock
the salty tears don't stop emerging,
dripping down my pale, cold cheeks,
the same ones you used to kiss every night before bed.

i always knew i'd never remember
the way your lips tasted;
a little fruit punch and sweat here and there
the way you smelled;
calvin klein one, just a dash of it
the way you felt against me;
pure ecstasy.

s.b.//

somber light shines into my window
i roll over, engulfed in consolable warmth
and reach for the pen on my nightstand.

drearily, i begin to write
"another nightmare about him."
ink sputters from the opening of the pen,
forming shaky, but beautiful words onto the ragged paper
of the journal i've kept for years
to document the progression of the loss of my sanity
since you left.

oh, but of course, you wouldn't understand.
you never dreamed about me, anyways

so i've known you for well over a month now
and i still love you as much
as i did before, if not more.
i really love you.
your ex-bestfriend told me some stories
about you taking things too far
"like you always do"
and i'm not sure if i should believe that
i suppose denial is a stage of loving someone as much as i do you,
because what's good for both of us?
it feels like you do just fine,
going without talking to me
and i can't breathe,
i miss you,
i miss you,
i miss you,
every **** second of the minute,
every minute of the hour,
every hour of the day,
every day of the week.
but you know what?
i don't know what to do anymore.
what is there to do?
out of simple fear of being alone.
i remember waking up that morning
and talking to you,
almost being late to life
but you know
it was worth it
i didn't feel like i was being shoved into a hole
and i'm so grateful that conversation happened,
you know?
otherwise, i would have killed myself
a long time ago.
look,
i'm not letting go anytime soon
i'm tired of this routine
me falling in love,
me getting attached,
me being left, me being heartbroken.
it runs you down,
and i'm so sick of it.
i'm not sure if you realise
but you mean literally everything to me
and as time goes by,
you'll still be the only one on my mind

s.b.//