I'm not that girl, who smiles.
I'm not that girl who has a cute laugh.
I'm not that girl who every guy wants as a girlfriend.
I'm not that girl.

I'm not that girl, who can forget easily.
I'm not that girl, who can hold grudges.
I'm not that girl, who has her own people.
I'm not that girl.

I'm not that girl, who has popularity.
I'm not that girl, who everyone wants in their life.
I'm not that girl, who needs fame over friends.
I'm not that girl.

But,

I am that girl, who'll go out of her way to make you smile.
I am that girl, who laughs with you but never at you.
I am that girl, who has eyes only for that one special guy.
I am that girl.

I am that girl, who won't forget but will forgive.
I am that girl, who can never HATE anyone.
I am that girl, who pretends to love her life to not let anyone worry. Cz
I am that girl.

I am that girl, who fakes a smile.
I am that girl, who cares below her façade.
I am that girl, who never feels enough.
I am that girl.

I am that girl, who's actually very silent.
I am that girl, who's strength is slowly fading.
I am that girl, who slowly getting tired.
I am that girl.

I am that girl, who cries herself to sleep.
I am that girl, who's doesn't go to the balcony just to see the beautiful sight.
I am that girl, who's strength is slowly fading.
I am that girl.


But,

You see that girl, who's rude.
You see that girl, who can never say the right things.
You see that girl, who's mean.
You see that girl, who doesn't give a **** about others.
You see that girl, who's always in the wrong place.
You see that girl, who's annoying as hell.
You see that girl, who's always loud.
You see that girl, who's extremely bulk
You see that girl, who's never tired.
You see that girl, who's always smiling.
You see that girl, who never cries.
You see that girl, who's talking someone against self-harm.
You see that girl, that's forever strong.
You only see that girl.

~Ishvarya.

I didn't choose this.
I didn't choose these crushing walls around me.
These walls that "protect" me are just another source of my pain.
I stand at the doorway and watch as a lifer is swept away.
I hear a crack;
My heart it throbs.
I didn't choose to be this way.
My ideas, my worth, forgotten.
My skin defines my future.
Keep your eyes down, don't speak up,
Don't seek pity and NEVER disobey the law.
I didn't choose this country.
Bombs and gunfire fill the sky as kids scream.
We huddle in a building, praying.
Not knowing if we will get clean food for tomorrow.
I didn't choose that night.
The night that he touched me.
I tried to escape, but he hurt me instead.
The bruises and the scars ache as I remember.
The pain, the aggression, have forever tainted me.
I didn't choose this world.
The pollution, the divide.
A masterpiece burned, scarred, destroyed.
Family and friends **** each other.
The issues stack up until they crush us.
I didn't choose this mind;
Plagued by self-hate;
Debating if it's worth it.
Truly it must be better than this.
Right?
We didn't choose these things,
but we can choose to break free of boundaries.
You do have a choice.

And just what are you expecting to see?

Two eyes just like mine, hands that ache to feel flesh, there is something to fabricating  love,

Adequate to say that these threats will go unheard, and through the years I'll get to say I told you so, yet I still feel like a failure,

Cross check the references, comb the referrals, you've got the experience for every job but the one you want,

I find security in preserving the real me,

Over thinking on what should be said next, when just their presence will suffice, trying to explain to yourself how to not sound crazy, all the while talking to yourself.

We all do it,

Some things are better left in that awkward silence, the longer it holds the more said than words could ever entertain, no pure thought is safe,

An invasion that's become obsession,

Even if I tell you all my secrets, there is still apart of me I'm missing, not even I can find it alone

My ego tends to show through,

I get it confused with my personality, which in turn doesn't show much as my skin, cursed to oblivious stares,

Then again I've been talking to myself,

Usually just saying hello, possibly singing some tune, or my favorite describing exactly what I'm doing in confusion,

"What am I writing?"

A taste of reality from the insomniac ramblers program, a show free to watch, and real physical participating with the whole gang,

Hold on tight to this thread,

Your future with me will not be what we expect, I recommend strict regimes for personal viewing times, our minds are hesitant to believing what's in the mirror

I see me, and I see you

There are too many times where I’ve destroyed my body
In order to destroy my thoughts.
Too many times where I’ve added hard problems to my long term life
Just to subtract myself from the quick moment.
I’m talking about drug, alcohol, and cigarette usage.
I’m talking about those days where I want my mind to stop working so badly
That I personally picked a poison to start destroying it.
I’m talking about those times where I hated my reality so much
I swallowed down a pill in hopes that it would distort it
Momma told me that smoking kills
So I bought a carton of cigarettes to test if she really does speak truth or lies
No matter what substance I turn to life will always get more ruthless
Satan is always five steps ahead me
Whenever I even glimpse at the road to recovery
In order to find that slight view of happy
I pop another pill in hopes that this time the effects will last
I pop it in hopes that I never have to pop in another one again
I pop it knowing in the back of my head
This could be my destruction
Codeine is not known for curing mental illnesses
Yet I’ve convinced myself that it’s my only prescription.
And I drink until I can’t feel even the slightest of tinglings
Make sure to take my medicines with a hard shot of whiskey.
Because the longest suicide attempt takes form in addictions.
It takes the form of needles and unmarked orange containers;
It floats around in the smoke that your lungs bathe in;
And it fills up the empty liquors bottles that you keep on leaving.
You don’t have to cut up your body in order to **** it
All you have to do is poison the **** out of it
A cigarette a day keeps the your sanity at bay
Another liquor bottle meeting your lips helps get you closer to the apocalypse
The more you snort up your nose helps your body decompose
We don’t pop bullets in our heads
We pop pills into our immune systems
We somehow thought that a long, painful death
Was more appealing than a quick
We aren’t exploding our brains
We are slowly murdering them
Tiptoeing into the inside
And taking the nerves out one shot at a time.