Written by anyone else I would read what follows and guffaw,
No doubt!
And say between laughing tears,
"What a mug!"
"How insecure!"
Yet you cannot be insecure
About something which does not matter,
And neither can you feel dread
At something coming that
You do not mind about,

I can be objective and say
I knew this day would come,
And if not this day then one day
That the moment will arrive,
I can say the truth,
I love enough to let you go
And indeed dance at your wedding,
As indeed I shall if I am invited,
Yet the keen pain that I now feel is
More the knowing that those three

Small yet massive words we shared,
Rising inexorably from my heart
And yours (then at least),
Have changed everything for me,
Every. Thing.
And I can no more stiffen my lip nor
Be just pleased for you because my heart,
Oh GOD my poor bewildered heart
Is dying now inside my chest,

And with my heart dies the last
Vestige of hope for me,
Hope of a shoulder on which to lean in
Those rare times of need,
Hope of one to love me warts and all,
Hope of one into whom I can pour all of me
Without let or doubt or hindrance,
Hope for that one love we all crave,
And we all know that without hope?
We die.

my mind stirs
as the sun rises and my dreams set
forgetting the unicorns and fairies
instead reminiscent with yesterday's regret

i set sail down the slaloming road
another day, that daily grind
where each bend is an opportunity
to map the mess which is my mangled mind

placing the ifs, buts and maybes
with the whats, hows and whys
where the tears drip off the steering wheel
and into my drowning thighs

my mind is clouded now
tainted with disdain
i don't remember anything
except a construct of pain

it is in this lonely place
between A and B
where i have no strength to conquer
the perpetual melancholy

It is going to be okay.