A new beginning;
A do over.

                                    Time does not stand still
                                    But instead moves rather slowly
                                    and sneaks right up on you.

                                                                  
                                                                    I blink and everything is changing;
                                                                    In a hundred, wonderful different
                                                                    shades of blue.

Another new year
Another new chance to start clean
Another day
Another new chance to say
Gonna stand up for myself and my community
Wake up this doesn't have to be world war 3
Not gonna tell you what you want
Im gonna tell you what you need to hear
So listen up, I'm gonna say it loud and clear
In a world where people profit from exploiting what we fear,
We need to find the courage to say "no more. The buck stops here."
Do not pass go
Do not collect 200 dollars.
It's time to pay for your abuse of power
And I'm not even talking about trump
The whole system's wack
Time for us to take a breath,  take a step back

I feel like something has to change
with him I feel good and without is just the same
but i couldn’t think of him not apart of my life
no matter as a friend or something more
I would never cut ties
For so many reasons I could tell you why
I’ve gotten my closure and i’ve evolved
but with him I am always involved

going back to him is a constant theme
a game played between just you and me
I know of the reality of what is happening
as I’ve been told it so much
something has to give
a change
an evolution
I know nobody quite gets the situation
between you and I we barely even know
I know what i got myself into
content with kisses and cuddles
but in my mind and heart of hearts I know
something has to give

In the new year
I’ll not search but be open to something new
I believe somebody can love me just as much as you
I tried this once before and was burned
turning me back to you, my love who I couldn’t shake
but deep inside I know what's right
time to try again
not think of you in that way as much as I did
only the new year will tell
be gentle and be fair
oh new year
may all be well

Audacity is when your ****** texts you
To wish you a Happy New Year
Because his therapist advised him to make amends.
The price of breaking my soul
Is more than a ******* text.

...but my knees are aching
and molar is cracked
I woke up this morning
with a hurricane back!

I'm addicted to
The drug called happiness.
A simple addict
Of fantastic phantasm fantasy,
In ecstacy.

I always heard that things peak.
What goes up, must come down.
Am I at my come down?

Why can I not forever feel
This happiness?
Will I wade in the shallow
Ocean soon?

Can things just only keep getting better?
These days I glow
In a radiant beauty
And I have never seen myself
Glow before.

Is this feeling just the now?
As I become a ***** to the
Good feelings that my life
Is suddenly bringing me.

I like to think that my life
Is paying me back with good luck
For all the times I missed a four leaf clover
Growing in a meadow
Or didn't glance at a shooting star long enough to wish.
And this time I don't need a good luck charm,
Or a wish.

But now I come to.
Is this my peak?
Is this as good as things will ever be?
What we built upon could fall,
And I grow afraid of tomorrow.

2018 brought me growth,
2019 brought me happiness and stability.
Oh, curse this new year bringing me fear
Because chasing after a stillborn dream
Is beyond my ability.

This dream, I never want to wake up.
There is a person I love.
A family I built.
An internal balance I perfected.

Would life be cruel to rip that away?
But worst of all,
I could never prepare for that
Because that's how life is.

I became happy gradually,
Without noticing the changes
Because becoming stable and feeling loved
Became my normal.
So, will I never notice what I will lose?
Can that hurt me more than noticing at all
And trying to stop it
At a demise?

2019
A year of supposed promises
The ones made before you boarded that plane
I recall the hour-long talks after dinner
The endless car rides infused with songs of our past
We had always told each other we'd be there for one another
If there was any certainty in all this
It would be in our efforts towards each other
You once told me I was somebody you needed
Somebody who you wanted by your side in all of your successes and failures
I thought these words held validity to them
I guess not
...
Fast forward 365 days later
The closing of a decade
A recap of my childhood blares through the speakers
The days of struggling adolescence are cued next
And embedded in them are the recollections of you and I
New Years Eve
Attending a party I had no formal invitation to
I see you across the room
Do you feel it too?
Do you think of the taxi ride ten minutes before midnight last year?
Did your "2019 Recap" include me?
Or did you save yourself the trouble and delete every trace of me ahead of time?
There's no room for conversation anymore
Only side glances and uncomfortable stares
Your eyes send a message I've grown tired of deciphering
Are you satisfied with the way things are?
Or do you wish they were different?
What difference does it make?
If you wanted to
You would've,
Wouldn't you?
...
I think we're running out of things we can say
Or maybe there's too much to say and no way to start this again
I don't want to salvage whatever may be left because of history
I don't want you to keep me around because of memories
Stay
Or leave
But don't come back and forth when it benefits you only
...
This one's for you
Don't make promises you have no intention of keeping

i will learn to taste the honeydew
and pretend to like it

i will taste the honeysuckle
and not have to pretend

i will feel grass in my hands and
say it is the best of life

and not the woman i need between my teeth

i am not ferocious, not demanding, not unwise,
simply at peace.

i am the sparkler to the firework
the star to the sun
the kitten to the lion.

but are these not all one and the same?

i see dandelion seeds and
though they are weeds i will
watch their dance anyway

i dive into agua dulce
wishing to be stardust instead of glitter
but glitter is certainly better than ash

under the water i have a moment to myself
where it
takes my screams into pockets of air
floating up without consequence

escaping my body at last in
a beautiful anonymity

may watchful eyes devour my body
unmarked, unblemished, devoid.

and they will watch as i make myself perfect

…but if the powdered sugar somehow melts off of my skin
i beg you to look away
for your sake and mine

This world is a sad and dangerous place
Everyone knows it, everyone feels it
The new year brings new disasters
2020 didn't even give us a minute
to catch our breaths

We have the possibility of facing
A new war with every passing minute
It seems a new shooting happens everyday
Australia is literally on fire
And what can we do?

We place our trust in our leaders
In our countries
To keep us safe
Placing blame on anyone but ourselves
Some pray for people to be good
Yet even churches are no longer safe
We hope for the world to cool and calm
But with everyday comes new calamity
And what can we do?

War is an idiots parade, and we don't have a say
We can't predict disaster
We can't predict who will lose their mind next
We aren't prophets
We don't know how to be safe anymore
Worst of all
We are too lazy and selfish to save our planet

We don't know what to do anymore
This world is falling apart
And what can we do?