picture me, in your car
your hands on my thigh
my hands to the nape of your neck
picture you, in my room
your head on my lap
my lips to your wrist
picture us, in your bed
your heartbeat to my ear
my feet tangled with yours
the games we'd have played
the different places we’d have been to together
the little fights we'd have fought
now picture lust swallowing us whole
picture everything and nothing at the same time
picture.

how can you say you love me
and not expect it to be the only thing i'll think about?
how can you now become cold
after saying i should fall for you?
are you distancing yourself
because i didn't say it back?
or did you just say it without meaning to?
i gave you silence
but i didn't think you'd give it back
and now i'm hurting
because i thought what we had was just for ***
and now i might be falling hard
like you told me to
like you wished me to
i never wanted it to be this way
i just wanted it to be casual
but you just had to say those godforbidden words.
.
.
.
just say something
please.

and i try to convince myself
u're not my type
i'm just bored
i just like the attention
it's just ovulation
but when i look at ur photos closely
keep checking if u've seen my stories
think of the way u said u'd miss me
stop myself from chatting u too early
i wonder how long i can convince myself
that i don't more than just like u
well...i guess until i do
u'll just have to keep loving me, baby

you love the idea of me.

you don't love the girl behind the makeup, the cute skirt, the laughs
the girl who panics too much
the girl who questions her worth every single day
the girl whose tears have dried up from crying too long
the girl who worries too much about what other people think
the girl filled with guilt but still lies to the people she loves
the girl who lies to herself about her capacity to love others
the girl confused about who she is and who she wants to be
and im sure as hell you won't love the girl
when you see all the flaws she's kept hidden
because she's afraid people will leave her again.

so don't tell her to fall for you -
don't tell her you love her
until you've seen this girl.

i miss you and it confuses (the hell out of) me
because there are things that simply cannot be
so convince me it's all just for ***:

the way you stop when it hurts
even when i tell you to keep going
the way you always ask me if im ok
the way you are when you’re moaning
the way you kiss my forehead
the way you hold and ******* body
the way you touch my hand
and tell me you're clingy
the way you say you think of me even when im not there
the way you like it when i call you "baby"
the way you say "i would ******* everyday if i could"
the way you give everything to me

Baby, i wanted to believe you were a bad idea
but i like you more than i thought i did
so much that i could fall —

then, reality hits
we could never be anything more
than the paradise we've built inside these four walls
the thousand little deaths we've buried under your ragged bedsheets
(to the songs we like to get ****** to)

Baby, the lies we've put up with just to keep this going

so convince me until i finally convince myself:
this is just for ***
and let me lie for just a little more

loving you
turned me into a poet
both the artist and the muse
all at once
knowing i'd sing for you
just as quickly as i'd bleed
to make your world
more beautiful

even now
i'd describe the sea
a thousand ways
just to capture
your shade of blue.