...
1. I had a crush on you for two years but we were never friends. I don't know why I was so heartbroken, it was elementary school. I can laugh about it now but I remember being so hurt from it. I never loved you, but I guess I did for what nine year old me knew love to be at the time. The only reason I got over you was because once we hit middle school I only ever saw you a handful of times and eventually it burned out.
2. We were somewhat friends, but I knew completely that nothing would ever happen between us. I had my moments of being upset but I pretty quickly learned to be okay with everything, but I wish I stayed hung up on you rather than suddenly crashing into 3.
3. You were the first person I ever actually trusted with my heart. You were the first person to ever say you have feelings for me and I had thought I felt the same way back, but I know now that I never really loved you as anything more than a friend. I feel guilty for that, but I was only thirteen and you did an infinite amount of worse things to me. I loved you deeply as a friend but you did nothing but manipulate and abuse me. You lied to me about everything possible. I realized that you never loved me, even as a friend, because you are incapable of that. You are cold. You are sick. You were just feeding off my aching soul and always got a kick out of seeing me on the brink of death. You completely ******* destroyed me and left me wanting nothing but to disappear forever. What we had was not a relationship, and I'm not saying that to make myself feel better. Two months of being abused is not a relationship, it's an experience, one I wish I never had. I managed to get away but the scars still remain and the fear still lingers. The vile words you said to me still vibrate inside my head. It's been three years since we last spoke and I am still scared of everything that you are. I still write about you with the same poisonous anger I had from day one. You are the only person that I truly hate and that I can physically never forgive. Congratulations.
4. I don't know what you were. I think you were just a stepping stone I so desperately was trying to find just to know that I can have feelings for someone after 3 left me crying on the cold bathroom floor gasping for air. I knew you would never have any feelings for me back, you couldn't, we'd only ever be friends, but even that started to fall apart too. I was distraught over our friendship fading into the void for months, you had made me so happy and I loved goofing off with you. But after meeting new people in high school I decided that I should focus on 5 since I'd have a much better chance. I still see you around and you messaged me a month ago and it threw me off. I don't have any feelings for you at all anymore, but it's weird to see you and know how I used to feel and how dramatic I was over losing someone who never really cared.
5. You came into my life when I needed it most. You gave me genuine happiness and made me genuinely excited to wake up in the morning just so I could see you before class. Things haven't always been the best between us, but we made amends and always fought through this hell of a life together, even if that meant arguing with each other from time to time too. We both grew together. You are the first person I've ever truly been in love with, and that's such a big deal for me since I was fully convinced after 3 I was never going to trust and be happy with anyone. I didn't think I could physically love after being so destroyed and abused. I knew you'd be important to me from the moment I saw you, and that sounds so childish. I know you can't love someone without knowing them, but I had a feeling, that hunch of knowing you would be something valuable in my life. I've gone through love and heartbreak with you. Watching you love and have feelings for others has been one of the most painful experiences of my entire life, but I tried my hardest to be supportive and happy for you, just like a friend should. But I'm sorry that I love you. You never asked that of me, you never asked me to love you as anything more than a friend. I tried to prevent it from happening, but that's not how it works. And I tried to force myself to move on, for both of our sakes, but forcing feelings to go away only makes them stronger. I'm sorry that I still love you, even after all this time. I haven't gotten over it, and I'm not sure I ever will. I know you want someone who's fully committed and I swear that's me but it means nothing if you don't feel the same way back. But either way I promise that you are all I think about.
// k.q.h.
August 28, 2019
