Flipping through a bundle
of identical sheets
I realise there is no difference between us

I, like the sheets
Hover the earth with no specific goal
Waiting for someone to scribble
an endorsement

But no-one comes
Because I am the paper and the ink
My experiences are my art
freely given materials

With which to bless,  beautify and build

I have been having this feeling
for a week now,
every day I go to my uni classes,
everytime I see my friends.
Everytime I wander alone in the hallways,
Everytime I stay still and stand,
it follows around, it has been days.

Everytime I talk,
it comes out as broken sentences.
Everytime I talk,
It comes out as mumbles.
I should be able to do it-
I should be able to talk,
But I can't get myself to speak.

I talked to my mom right now,
I'm already questioning half the things I said.
Why am I critical, what is it I dread?

I need to meet a friend next week,
I am already planning the things to speak,
Making a list of things to say.
I am already nervous about how it is going to be,
Must be me, it can't be like that with everybody.

Anytime I have to go meet
someone, or even pick them up
from a place they decided,
I'm more scared than excited.

"What if I accidentally stand on the other side, waiting"
"What if I wait too long and everyone stares"
"What If I'm not able to find them, what if I look lost"
"What if I am not confident about my walk"
"What if I am not able to crack through the uncomfortable silence"
"What if I look awkward, what if they get bored"
It is seven days apart, it's already in my head.
What if I just stayed home instead?
"What if I embarrass them?"
"What if they feel ashamed of knowing me"
"What if I am just the awkward friend"
He is a good friend, his actions push my doubts away
But the fear in me, it decides to stay.

I try to act all cool, "I don't care about it"
There is no "cool", There is no "it"
What am I hiding? I don't know still.

Is it something that will ever be fixed?
Will it always be like that?
Where did it come from?
Where will it take me?
Will it push people away?
Make them judge me?

Other people can do it, some even better than others.
They create clear sentences,
out of the fog of their thoughts and frenzies.

I stay in the corner, quiet and hidden.
Should I even go out? Make my words be spoken?
The idea immediately makes me dread,
My shortcomings and how I don't feel like I'm normal,
I feel so different, I feel so separate.
I fear I might be wrong, but what I dread even more
is the feeling of being truly isolated and different
"What if I am really just correct?"

You wanted a woman, full of love’s embrace,
Unscarred by doubt, in a gentle space.
But not one wiser, shaped by her fight,
Learning from truths that emerge in the night.

You sought a woman with eyes that could shine,
Yet never imagined they’d see through your lies.
Not just a listener to every word spun,
But one who speaks boldly, knowing she’s won.

You demanded a woman, strong and refined,
But not one to build a life intertwined.
Just a rare jewel to keep on display,
Reaping the labor you forced her to pay.

Yet here she stands, like a fire untamed,
Refusing to dim or be easily claimed.
Her spirit forged by moments unkind,
Each scar a story, each story aligned.

She no longer waits for approval or praise,
No longer trapped in your self-serving maze.
Step by step, she has found her own path,
Unafraid of her power, unscathed by your wrath.

Accepting no less than the respect she deserves,
The kind you give freely, but she now reserves.
She now sees the heights she’s destined to reach,
Aware that your ego can’t bear her to breach.

Her self-assurance glows like the sun’s warm rays,
Marking the end of your manipulation days.
And perhaps that’s why—deep down, we both know—
You never took the time to see her grow.

You ignored her strength, overlooked her pain,
Blind to her progress, immune to her gain.
But now, as she rises, unyielding and true,
She steps from your shadow into a sky wide and blue.

How far she has traveled, how much she has won,
No longer tethered; she’s embraced who she’s become.

I am aware
Ignorance is bliss.

Yet,

I am aware.

I am too awake.

I am fully conscious!

This shall be the death
Of all my progress

I am aware!
Can you numb me again?

My mind is poisonous

I am aware

I am my own

                    worst enemy.

I looked for you
in other people.

But,
you weren’t there.

So, I’ll wait,
still, in the space between us,
until you feel the same.

I may not sing
But when I look at you
I can feel the thumps growing into melody
And it's all about you.

I may not see the beauty in anything
But I see all your colors
Shades I'm scared of, colored in deep unknown,
Yet I never wanna look away.

I couldn't tell you this
But when I lay my eyes on you
I feel as if mine turn into rays of Sun,
Only hoping that they reflect the light in yours so you can feel my warmth.

I hate what I see
When the mirror reflects me
But when I look at you I can only hope you see
A gentle river, flowing like the eyelashes down your cheeks.

Going over dark valleys, like eyes in disguise
Sacred places in dips and dimples
I wanna move there, would you let me stay?
When your hair drops over your face it's like a golden frame.

Imagine what we could be
If you weren't just a constellation in the sky
A clutter of space rocks in the back of my mind
And if it were just you and I
For you would that be alright
To feel and tell secrets and sweet lies
Is a small price to pay for human paradise

Like the stream of consciousness in your eyes
You desperately try to hide but that i know it like the back of my mind
And I remember every little thing you said about yourself
And how you like to spend your days and how your eyes they're tired but so full of life
It's like a bottomless ocean, in it
Death seems like no limit
And I'll keep my blind spirit
In your inexistence I'll go delirate

My selections of letters to you mean nothing
To me they're perfect poems written just for me
You make me question if my sanity really exists
Or do I just wanna hold someone and be a know-nothing for the hope of it all
When all this world does is fall