They never said
Growing old would mean
The loss of everything
That made you, you
When the past haunts
And the mirror steals youth
It’s all encompassing.

And I remember when
But I’m so far from then
And the laughs and cries
Echo to a silent goodbye
When all has given way

Well I guess there’s still today…

And I remember when,
The rain didn’t pierce the skin
And nothing could harm,
No, nothing could enter in
These parapets built so high
That none could vault to breach
But now the walls tumble over
And I’m disposed to the siege

And I remember when,
But I’m so far from then
Oh bring me back to yesterday
So I can face today.

Take me home one more time,
To the days locked away in a haze
Listening to my favorite bands
Louder than concert speakers
Pounding my chest with bass drum tweakers
I’m hopelessly lost in this modern world
Where autonomy is monotonous
And I can’t see the vision I once had
When did I go blind?

One more ride into the past,
I’ll promise to make it last
If only you’d take me back,
And let me lie here awhile

Oh well, I guess there’s still today…

But I remember when.

could you imagine what it’s like to not imagine?
to know what forever is, before it ever happened?
to tell a breeze from a beast, waiting in the cabin?
to conclusively deny the myth of the dragon?

could you ever really know the false, or the the true –
having lived so little in a world so new?
could you live with love, when all you have is you?
could you assure the blind that the sky is blue?

could you split the atom, and fill the void –
with a hate so violent you were meant to avoid?
could you find your peace, amidst a frenzy on steroids?
could you smother the fire with which you toyed?

could there ever be a time you’d know for sure –
if you should let go, or endure… a bit more?
could you think for yourself, with thoughts obscure?
would you dare to tell your child - ‘you’d better mature’?

When the car burst onto the empty highway,
the bridge stretched long over the river,
and the faint glow of streetlights
bathed the dashboard in a soft, cold light,
not bright, but a subtle wash
profoundly changing my thoughts.
Suddenly I wanted to feel clarity,
to dive deep into my center,
marriage and divorce throwaway words
for the deep sensation of home,
knowing I was once made to belong,
that I am both the home and the wanderer,
there, known, the place near-far
that I don’t know I need till I return.

What was it in the highway’s trance
that made me question so much about us?
The good and the bad, the love and the fights,
to stay or to walk away, I do not know
except, unknown to myself,
I carry the weight of my parents’ echoes—
Mom, frail in the hospital bed,
complications of diabetes wearing her down,
Dad, distant and angry,
his resentment a slow burn of injustice.

As my thoughts mirror theirs,
I think of my children—
a boy of six, a girl of eight,
their innocence and laughter,
their small hands and endless questions.
Fatherhood, an anxious dance
between fear and fleeting success,
my ambivalence heavy and lingering.

And my job, a professional manager
in a downsizing company,
uncertainty a constant companion,
the weight of decisions on my shoulders.
But even amidst the turmoil,
a flicker of hope remains,
the thought of returning home,
the possibility of a good future,
of being the father and husband
my children and wife deserve.

Cinderblock thick
Why do you try to climb the parapets
This little heart of mine sings in a choir
Where dolorous notes emit percussive blows against the chest
Leave me to my cimmerian chamber,
It doesn’t suit you to pine away for an apparition
The man you knew is a specter,
A noctambulant wanderer forgotten, moribund.

The skies dressed in lachrymose grey,
As you stare at photographs,
Caught in an eidolon daydream,
But even in your greatest incarnation
You could not evoke yesterday,
Nor could I remember how to feign feeling.

I was cast aside,
Left in my melancholy,
Bereft of my ailing mind,
Imprisoned in mortiferous thought
Despondent to the fabrics of the real
And when I puzzled me back like a jigsaw
I was left with missing pieces,
Tenebrous figures pull at the light
To put out the light,
And in this last flickering candle,
Would you close the door to phantasmagoric fantasies
So I can introduce you to the man I am today,
The one you’ll never deceive or condescend
A true version of humility wrapped in masculine tenacity
I am more than meets the mind’s eye
A force of malevolence for those who dare upset my peace.

To be loved by me  
is like being held underwater  
and expected to learn how to breathe.  

I don’t feel like I’m from here—  
from this planet.  
To love me is inhuman.  

I’m a creature of the night.  
Don’t get too close,  
or you might cause me a fright.  
But if you get just close enough,  
we can have conversations  
that last all night.  

To be loved by me  
is like being drowned…

You lose yourself in me.  
I lose myself in you.  
It’s not just a pattern—  
it’s painted in the stars above,  
the ground below.  
You know we’ve all seen this show.  

I either make landfall  
like a hurricane,  
or like the rain  
that was supposed to come today  
but never bothered to show its face.  

To be loved by me  
is like being drowned…

It’s not that I’m unlovable…  
It’s that I might be intoxicating.  
And you know how it goes  
with toxic things:  
you either can’t put them down,  
or you know better  
than to ever pick them up.  

To be loved by me  
is like being drowned…

But what if I’ve never been those extremes?  
What if that’s just how you’ve chosen to see me?  
What if loving me is not like drowning?  
What if I’ve just been watering your seeds?  
What if we look between the stars and the ground?  

To be loved by me
Is like being drowned?

Is there a different story to be found—  
waiting to be painted  
by someone who can see  
both the stars above  
and the roots beneath the tree?

The mirror is a portal,
Transcendent into dimensions unfettered
What do you see when gleaming inward?

Is there an infinite?
Multi-versal syzygy
A confluence of you that rushes in ephemeral flashes
If you could pluck a version to replace,
Put you in theirs, and they will be in your space
Would you survive the peregrination?

If you could speak to the immutable pneuma
Basking in the effulgent warmth -
Would you listen to the many vestigial whispers
Allow the sum of you across the cosmos
To bolster the singularity?

Breathe deep,
Exhale the doubt
Rejoin the now
With a thousand selves
Armed to the teeth -
Bury disillusionment
And show them the profound
The immanence of self expanse
In every confident stride forward.