Ever since I was young I always longed for home
Was it in a tall oak tree looking over the hill country
In a muddy pasture with horses
A small condo with a view of a bustling street
Or a large house in the suburbs

Each day chasing every tide.
Each wave languidly crashing  over my hair as it smells of sea salt and cold waters.
The dark clouds that take up the sky, full of mysteries and the crisp air.
Or maybe in a large empty field  with no one near, yellow and orange flowers around me as the sun beats down on my tan shoulders.

Maybe, in the bright star of Sirius, light years way.
Maybe in the cold rain dripping down my car window
Maybe in the barren trees.
Maybe in the warm dusty desert.
Maybe in the green mist of the Amazon
Or the heavy air of the Himalayans.

I’ll tell you something it’s not here.

You called again last night
Dusk was slumped over the window frames
and my eyes had adjusted accordingly

You were a mirage of poorly put together pixels framed by the grey of your bedroom walls
Lit by your digital enthusiasm

“how are you?”

I tell you that I’m fine
You ask about school
my friends
my last training session
Echo chambers of average

“I think I’ll be home next week,”

I tell you that’s great
I don’t say much else

I don’t tell you about the quiet that will come when we hang up
How the silence slaps the stone of the brick house you used to hold on both your shoulders because mine were still too weak to take the weight

“you should turn the lights on,”

You tell me you miss me
To give our dog your hug
The phone line whispers crackles while I wait for you to finish

“be nice to mum and dad, okay?”

crackle

“don’t stay up too late,”

crackle

“love you, I’ll see you soon.”

I mimic your message
Let the distance readjust
Hum the note the speaker makes when your voice has been removed from the orchestra

The lights stay off
The curtains still open
I sit in your familiar absence once again

Waiting for the light
To turn back home

Feet don’t fail me now
She sings and sings and sings
Belting in the backyard
Humid and sweet and exciting
Skyborn burns that fill me with orange and blue
Sun-bleached skin in darkened strings
Of deep and burdening things
Mediating the cracks in the sidewalk
Burying the butterfly i once called “Vernus”
Rays of light and every bit of dust
Eyes wide and the noises loud
Small and running
Heated stoves ring me home
Before dark, i am alone
Me and the world
I feel the possibility in my fingertips
I witness myself again and again
I can feel
I am aware
Of what i am not, of who i will be
Infuriation and envy
I hold everything within and I let it release
Leaping across the streets in wedges
Power seeps into my heels
My beating heart shakes me
Into my bedroom window
Into the moon
Into my backyard
I left it there

late at night
laying on bed
staring the ceiling
as the cigarette's ash falls down
tear rolls down from the eyes
making me fall apart
with the feeling of
homesickness