In a wakeful contradiction, it lays fact between my fiction,
Tangling subatomics, it unravels as its tricks spin
deeper toward the outward...
                                      it won’t let up, 'til I give in.

Over matter, lay my mind…
I tell a lie to pass the time...
But there’s no reason nor a rhyme --
                                            Less still, a purpose?
I search for something to remind my mind
                     that there’s truth that isn’t worthless…

But as always, failure appears;
                              in a sort-of amnesic continuity.
And my reality lies to my own mind
                              Just as well
                              as it succeeds in its futility.
With destruction as its manifest,
It tells me that I stand my tallest
                              Upon two buckled knees.

And just as faith will find one’s doubt --
                  a search within has left without.
It seems that an answer, once sought out,
                  will be left lacking its question.
My truth divides itself,
                   as a product of infinite misdirection.

I try to substitute a reason for a rhyme.
But with no lies left to pass the time...
                              I swallow a dose of ignorance.
It goes down smoother than the truth.

In a war that started with a truce,
This world betrayed my faith to show me:
                                 that I'm only tall enough
                                 Once I’ve been
                                                         cut
                                                             down
                                                                ­     slowly.

A pill too large to swallow,
                I think I’m choking on myself . . .
Or the irony of asking,
                     “How could I be so careless?”
Here I stand, Barely standing,
                   Consumed almost entirely
By my own dry-heaving self-awareness...

Left to fight the fears that my nightmares create;
I’m still running from my past,
                          yet, haunted by my fate.
They walk beside me always,
                          shadowing wholeheartedly —
Existing as a duality, both apart from,
                         and a part of me.

These ghosts have taught me very little...
                                    Aside from what I hate.
But, I've come to learn not to fear
                                    The forceful hands of fate.
For I shudder not at the thought of destiny,
                                    Or the inevitable in time...
Instead, I fear the eventuality of the choices
That were solely, and entirely, mine.

I fear that my will may be of enough influence, alone...
That fate itself may collapse beneath decisions like my own.
Or that I, myself, might be constructing
What destruction I will find
Among my shattered spirits and convictions,
In these depths to which I climb.
​

My mommy made a promise when I was young. She told me that she’d do everything to protect me, that she’d do everything to keep me safe. She swore with all her heart and strength that she’d fight for me with all her life.

She did fight with her best.

She fought with her all.

She gave it all she’s got.

She did manage to push back all my tears just before they would fall; sometimes they even climb back to hiding behind when she smiles. Even sobs turn to laughter at her presence.

Heck, I never felt down. She kept keeping me up.

She fought the winning fight. Beaten away sadness, and boxed out regret, she made shame feel sorry. I never even knew doubt, of course because I was sure she was there for me.

I never knew any counter weapon that could ever out power her smile, or her hugs or her forehead kisses –nothing could ever beat her forehead kisses.

She won ‘til the very end.

Then she lost.

I guess it’s kind of too ironic now. I hated it with all my heart before.

I hated the fact that when my protector disappeared, I was left bare for every new stranger, sadness… regret… shame… doubt…

All the tears that she kept pushing back, they finally escaped.

I didn’t even have any idea before that there’s this pool of raining kept up at the surface of my wrists just waiting to be freed—

I hated her.

I hated her for always winning.

I hated her for always trying so hard.

I hated her for fighting—

Ironic is it not? Now here I am making that same promise to you.

Seeing you cry so much, so devilishly much, I couldn’t really help it. I couldn’t help but remember all the times I cried without my mommy smiling to hush me; I couldn’t help but recall all the tears that fell from my eyes then, how I waited, crying, how I prayed crying, how I foolishly tried to fake all my smiles for the first few  months, still crying… Just vainly waiting for her to stop my tears from falling.

I couldn’t help but stop it.

It was all that I could do. It was the best that I can do.

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

I swear that I’d do everything to protect you. I’ll do everything to keep you safe. I swear with all my heart and soul that I’d fight for you with all my life.

And, my son, I’ll never leave you alone.

I’ll never let another tear pass through your eyelids again, neither will I let another sob from your throat, no, now you’re with me, I won’t let this leukemia I passed along hurt you anymore.

This is the only thing she taught me to do.

Smile.

Hug.

Kiss your forehead.

At least I fought— How I hugged you managed to muffle the deafening beep of your oscillator…

I fought with everything I had.

I fought with all my heart and my strength like my mommy did.

I kept all the tears back inside your eyelids just when they are about to fall. Not even a single drop of blood escaped your wrists too. I think I was able to push back all the shame and regret and doubts in your heart? I hope I did.

I won against fear, at least. I managed to see you smile one last time but—

—I fought ‘til the very end—

Then I lost.

—formula for your endings; for these numbers to fade away, bespeaking something of infinity, i hear you laugh; beside you, i am only counting, continuing.