I can't deal with you if you're so limp that I can feel the burn it makes when I look at you. I say it over and over and over and over, "You're allowed to start things," and "You can have an opinion."

If you'd like to be a loose feather, submissive to every sway of god's breath, keep being so ******* easy to walk on.

There was a time when I ached to know your thoughts so I could love you. I laugh at how ridiculous that would be. I can't love someone who can't fight.

Twelve-Thirty a.m.
But I'm waking up at six and I'm having trouble sleeping because I feel like I can't breathe.  I can't breathe.  My heart's constricted, my lungs are filled with liquid and I don't care.  I guess that I don't care.  
I don't know what I'm living for, so I don't bother living and I keep feeling alone but I am surrounded, I'm always by someone.  
They are not the one I want.
I love my family and I love my friends and I don't feel loved.
But I know that I'm loved.
But they don't love me.
Because they can't hold me, they can't kiss me like I need them to.  
But he's too busy standing on the edge of the world waiting.  He can't see me when I need him, he won't hear me when I'm screaming I need love.
Twelve-Thirty-Three a.m.
But I'm thinking of playing hooky and I'll stay in bed a while because I can't breathe.  
And in my dreams he's holding me.  He is seeing me.  
That's all I really need.

A rule of acting:
"Real people lose."
They don't cross everything off the list.
Trophies, good days, and money
require a sacrifice of comfort
somehow already deceased.
It's a slow, steady process.
A long and sometimes plotless movie.
(By the way,
you know who will be talking to themselves
at the end.)

Sea captain who brings with him an air of comfort,
first mate, confetti egg shell,
metal-framed reservoir.
Cradle my head, pull my hand,
Stand.
Solve the equation for me. Don't.
Be my carriage horse. Roam free.
Burn the papers. Lock them away.
Join the feast. Serve us, **** the beast.

Begot, begetter
A stain-glass window, more like a painting
wet with thinner.
Broken calculator, hard-to-getter.
Man the weather--man the ship. Don't, I can do it myself.
Hideous, antique bird-feeder
favoring the magpies above all and doves the least.
Join the feast. Let us leave the little
beast alone, they've done nothing truly bad! because
Just a little cut doesn't hurt.
As long as the blood doesn't spurt.
As long as Sylvia is my dead friend.

As long as you're an indescribable friend,
always there among the bramble
of the old flower field, abandoned long ago.
In the 30s.

Sea captain who brings sun, my
first mate of all singing first mates, of
all operatic dancers.
Dance with me.

you deserve better.
better than my careless, random, probing texts.
better than the pain you've felt.
i deserve better.
better than your dry, annoyed texts.
better than the emptiness you left me with.

remember when we were together? 9 long months.
i was 14, a child really. you were 17. we didn't mind.
it was after my incident, i was still healing. but you,
you affected me deeply. we didn't start slow, no, we dived in,
holding our breath, because we needed each other.

remember when we kissed for the first time? 3 days after we met.
it was past midnight, we were out exploring.
i stuck my body through the sun roof and i smiled so much it hurt in the best way.
we came back to your house, no one was home. and i looked at you,
and you laughed. then your mouth was on mine and we lay there,
hours, kissing with a passion i craved.

remember my first flashback? 2 months in.
we were in bed, cuddling with no one home. we were content.
my therapist warned me, anything could happen. i didn't even think,
and it was only your hand on my hip, pulling me tight,
and i froze like a cold hand gripped my heart.
you held me loosely while i cried, a pain i didn't know i had,
a pain i didn't know needed to be let out.

remember your truck? 3 months between us.
how the stars were amazing, so we went "exploring," we thought we were clever. we went up a mountain, holding hands while you drove.
when we parked, we climbed into the bed of the truck with blankets.
we laughed and talked and thought,
this is forever. at least i did.

remember our first sleepover? our parents gave in after 4 months.
we stayed at your house, when your mom was gone. i was naive,
yet you didn't mind. the hot tub was perfect, the wine we stole
from the hidden cupboard just right for the moment. we showered together, then climbed into bed. we learned a lot,
that warm, luxurious night.

remember my birthday? 5 months after our kiss.
there was a bad fire at home, lots of evacuations, lots of smoke and fear.
we left and went to the city to get away. we stayed together,
you and me, by ourselves. you made me special that day. you,
it was you that my world revolved around, you, you that i never wanted to leave. my birthday is one of my favorite days
of you and me.

remember when i had to go back to court? 8 months, almost done.
the day i found out, you  came and picked me up. i cried.
you didn't know how to help. you held my hand. i was
helpless, ruined, depressed. we stayed together all night,
and you held me with a nervous expression on your face,
it was one of the worst memories.

9 months.
you and me.
i love you.
you loved me.
you left me
before court
on my own

betrayed.
i loved you.