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  Aug 2015 Nikki Whittaker
lucy winters
I enjoy distance
Long drives with no destination
Music blaring,  miles growing

I enjoy distance
Long walks to nowhere
The peace calms my restless soul

I enjoy distance
Little steps each day
Away from difficult situations

I enjoy distance
Between people and places
And me

I enjoy distance
It gives perspective

I enjoy distance
I also enjoy coming home
When distance has run its course
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2014
This clock has aged a bit and changed a bit.  But the pieces still tick, tock.  With a few tweaks and small pinch, we are able to reminisce.
The clock chimes and I am young again.  My earliest memories play like film.  The lullabies, the kisses, the smiles.  My mother holding me, I can almost feel it.  I remember how the world was so large.  Public playgrounds were jungles and I, so brave, would venture into the darkest corners.  My father keeps my palm in his hand, I can see it.  He didn't want to lose me. He didn't want to lose me. And yet...
Tick, tock.
The clock chimes and I am taller, wiser.  The girls at school laugh and taunt me.  I didn't mind.  They just didn't understand and that was fine.  My father gave me presents on Christmas, clothes to try to change me.  But, his eyes crinkled when he smiled.  So, I tried, I tried but the shirts were constricting and I felt like I couldn't breathe.  My mother walks downstairs after he is gone and slowly cuts the shirt away.  She kisses my cheek and I never changed.  
Tick, tock.
The clock chimes and my mother is slipping away.  She's running out of ways to lie but she still tries.  I was sixteen to her but to me I was forty-nine.  I shine light on her face and see it is dark and empty.  She tries on a smile but it no longer fits.  I watch her stare blankly at Rapunzel on the screen, she's reciting every line.  My father calls and I am not supposed to tell, not supposed to speak.  I am terrified.  She knows, but did he?  My father and I argue and can no longer fit our smiles.  I slam the door and he drives away.
Tick, tock.
The clock chimes and he tells me I'm poison.  He blames me for everything that goes wrong.  Soulless eyes, that child has soulless eyes.  He calls his home Texas while I try to rebuild mine.
Tick, tock.  
The clock chimes and she is gone.  I sit in a empty home.  I was sixteen, still only sixteen.  She knew, but did he?
The clock chimes and I am alone.
The clock chimes and I need to be an adult tonight.   I must abide.
This clock has aged a bit and changed a bit.  But the pieces still tick, tock. I accept my past, I call it mine.  I still feel so young inside.  Every memory makes me stronger and a little more alive.
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2014
Tattoos that stain and burn my skin
With words and images
Of who I could've been
              Should've been
              Would've been
If I hadn't met you

Dreams of those happy summer days
With wind to make me fly
To get lost in space
       Stuck in a daze
And then I see your face

I was coaxed by the lies of love
And smashed down by my own hand

I gave you all the keys to my secrets
And watched you set them all ablaze

My heart can no longer trust

Song lyrics that taunt and chain me
To all the wonderful times
                 I could've had
                I should've had
                I would've had

If I hadn't met you
We are burning
We are burning
Oh god the pain
My kingdom
Your kingdom
No light, just flame
Ashes around us
Cinders within
Embers are burning
And I, with him
We are burning
We are burning
Oh god the flames
We are burning
We are burning
**No love, just pain.
Nikki Whittaker Nov 2014
Twelve-Thirty a.m.
But I'm waking up at six and I'm having trouble sleeping because I feel like I can't breathe.  I can't breathe.  My heart's constricted, my lungs are filled with liquid and I don't care.  I guess that I don't care.  
I don't know what I'm living for, so I don't bother living and I keep feeling alone but I am surrounded, I'm always by someone.  
They are not the one I want.
I love my family and I love my friends and I don't feel loved.
But I know that I'm loved.
But they don't love me.
Because they can't hold me, they can't kiss me like I need them to.  
But he's too busy standing on the edge of the world waiting.  He can't see me when I need him, he won't hear me when I'm screaming I need love.
Twelve-Thirty-Three a.m.
But I'm thinking of playing hooky and I'll stay in bed a while because I can't breathe.  
And in my dreams he's holding me.  He is seeing me.  
That's all I really need.
Nikki Whittaker Nov 2014
Tiny heartbeats beneath me
I could've sworn I felt you breathing
And yet...

I couldn't wait to meet you
To see your big eyes, colored blue
And yet...

I never got the chance
I'm sorry I couldn't fight
But I would've given my last breath
I would've died
For you

Started with a pink plus sign
I knew you were mine
And yet...

I imagined you growing up
I was ready to give you love
And yet...

I  never got the chance
I'm sorry I couldn't fight
But I would've given my last breath
I would've died
For you

It was three in the morning,
I'm in a hospital bed
With blood on my legs, I was a mess
Your daddy had tears in his eyes
And I could already tell
Because I felt empty inside, I was empty inside

What wouldn't I give?
There's nothing I wouldn't give
I wish I was dead

And yet...
Nikki Whittaker Apr 2014
Hold me to the promises I make
And tally up all my sins
Steady the gun right between my eyes
Don't let me look away

So sick of running
Can't be me, can't feel me
I'm standing on the edge
And this time I'm not afraid

Corner me with black walls
But don't let me disappear
I need to know that I'm grounded
It's time for me to give in

Tell me how I broke your heart
Let me know that it hurts
Even though I know the truth
Is the last thing I deserve

****** the knife in further
Pull it out, see me bleed
Let me struggle to catch my breath
And I'll fight until the end

End this final showdown
So that we may be released
Pull the trigger, point blank
And my sins you shall repent
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