So it begins, and how?

With fear and anxiety.
The energy that would be surging through you if you chose the path that you are thinking of, is already giving you a preview of whats to come.
Sober minded your body goes into over drive and adrenaline fills your nerves and brain and heart with static and sweat. You battle back and forth, because you know the danger and the out come. But the fight is meaningless because the Ego has chosen long before you even thought you had a choice to make.

To put it off would be like to feed a fire.

You lay down to try to overcome the intentions already giving bid with in you, without your will. Tears threaten to well in your eyes and the feeling of hopelessness and emptiness is quite prominent. You wonder to yourself how you have found yourself in the palm of something so much more powerful than yourself.
Thrashing and turning, because all positions are uncomfortable and futile, as long as you don’t give into the brat with in. The child like side of you who begs for Methamphetamine as you used to beg for candy at the grocer, knowing today may as well be the last day you could ever have it is beginning to fit within.

Your lover can not see the fight within you because he is looking at you from the outside from with in his own battle field...

The fight is beneath the skin.

You battle with right and wrong, going to pray to god, but then stopping yourself…. “Do i truly want to ask god for help with this? isn’t it a bit redundant to ask my god to save me from something i keep feeding my own flesh too.” As if The **** were a hungry animal, or perhaps its more about the addiction than a substance. Today **** is the substance, tomorrow it could be something other than that. You feed off of that which is out side yourself for satisfaction and it only brings further trauma. You can kick your feet and threaten to take sleeping pills, but your EGO wont allow a sleeping antidote today, because in this situation that could work in controlling it.

Not like in strictly emotive situations were sleep just hinders your ability to work out things with others.

No a sleeping pill could completely stop the cravings and send you into a trance of dreams about your inner issues. This is not going to be allowed. You are not in control. You have never been, but the substances Man has created have found themselves in the hand bag of the devil. And they offer item and tool for control. Like We have established. You gave up your power of decision when ever you fed into the egos beck and calls. Whispering your name and stories of pleasure and connection. A peace and happiness most human form has never known,

A jarring of the spiritual body and a quickening of death.

The mirror is beginning to look like a grave yard.

Your death is stenching the air and the clock is ticking. have you given in to the whimpering of your body and minds physical call for this drug you so enjoy in sin. Not quite yet but cracking is inevitable you know you have already chosen and any sliver of hope is falsely studied being whisked away so as not to interfere with the plan of Lucifer in this biblical story. When you announce that indeed the decision of methamphetamine is the one you chose.
(however you do not chose this, because to be driven for falseness truly is impossible. You have been lead a stray and know not truth.)

Immediately the guilt has already set in, before any actions are made on the decision your heart is calling out, is this right, to hurt my self in pleasure so temporary. Is this right, do i love my father an mother truly or have I even met them at this point. You lift yourself up off the bed and when your lover goes to follow suite

you can’t help but feel as an untrue Shepard tricking innocent sheep to follow her into the wolves den.

Would we both be fed on by the evils of this world. And if one of us is not, then is the other saved. But if one of us does, then both are doomed? Who I am to make choices lone, and am I at all.

When you lean off the bed you fall down the rabbit hole, seeing your love fall in right after you. you keep your eyes on the sky line at the top of the pit because already you are filled with remorse. You clutch your lover because already you crave their forgiveness.

Who does this demon belong to, was it yours or mine, or never either of ours.

Ridden with guilt for not only the fall of herself but eve is bothered that she is to blame for the falling of Adam. Are any of us to truly blame besides that scoundrel The Satan, and then if we blame him is it really only displacing the blame which truly should be laying on both our hearts each. Should we stow this mistake in the flesh and muscle like some prized possession or release it now before its set in.

And then If i asked for repentance and the reversal of my inertia would that prayer be granted, and if it was would i feel

blessed, or robbed.

I am reluctant to ask for help from the Most high even though i am most literally at my death bed when ever considering the life of christ. And if i can not request the light of God in fear of having a certain evil taken from me what does this make me?

You exit your house, haven of safety far away from all evil except the most irresistible, Oh Sweet Satan, or My sweet Mind, with so much potential and ideas, the power held with in my satan may very well be equal to that of the power of my Living Christ. And is this then why it is so difficult for triumph to meet me in the fields of mammon. How can I awaken My own Jesus to take the Methamphetamine to the cross along with his brother, The Satan so that for once, the evil will repent for His sins, and see in truth why suffering is coming from all of his biddings.

Dusting off the rabbity
that squirrely tempo anxiety,
closing in with night.

The irresistible pattern
the irrational illogical fight
a battle with one’s discipline,
mirroring our might.

I make it home a fluttering
belly twirled and muttering,
I tell myself tis alright!

The damage done, and everyone,
I’m just like them and millions more
succumbing at the Devil’s door.

And the taste, the burn,
the healing calm,
the shaking and the thinking gone.

Knock one back, slam out another
night is early, rock it brother,
Tying on a swilly swirling
buzzed-out brain and mind a twirling. . .

“Ahhhh…”

I feel better now, exhilarated,
exasperation falls to stout resound;
I pour again and knock it down!

“Ahhhh…”

Spinning now, not to say I’m spun
but choosey choosing several a pun
I see myself an accomplished one!
Yes, that’s it, that is me,
look upon with thoughts of glory
yank open the freezer for glass that’s hoary. . .

How cool am I? certainly not boring
all night I’m here, pouring, pouring. . .

Buzz subsides, thoughts slow too,
lurid leering, slobbering swearing,
stupid actions and nothing new?

I lose the bottle,
I lose my shirt,
***** on myself,
pass out in dirt.

Another night of drunken hero,
time that’s wasted for kingly Nero.
But who am I to judge myself?

I’m hardly worse than anyone else?

I think I may be becoming a functioning drug addict
although I don't know if it's technically an addiction if the doctors still giving it to me, or that's what I say anyways because I don't want to admit to anyone that I might have a problem
because if I admit it they might take it away
and I don't want that

I know that sounds like something a drug addict would say but I don't really need them all that much, I just like them for when life gets hard
and I can't handle the world
and I don't feel like a person
they bring me back to normal

you decided to text me after we hadn't talked in 7 weeks 6 days 15 hours and 39 minutes and my heart sank to my stomach and I felt my breathing stop and I chewed up two tiny little pills because I needed to work and be a functioning person that day

when I finally responded you said you were just wondering how I'd been and even though I've been well before now all I could do was cry so I chewed up six more in an attempt to get you off my mind and I fell into a dreamy paradise where nothing was real, not even me

I had dinner with my grandma and as an appetizer I had two more tiny white pills so I could mask the face that would tell her how much I've been thinking about death
I think it worked

I wrote a note in my journal saying to only take 2 so when I couldn't sleep that's what I did but I found one in my bed and so I took that one too and I drifted off into nothingness without you rattling around my brain

I think I may be a functioning drug addict, but I'm not ready to tell anyone because I'm not ready to stop

Dear Old Friend,

There was a time when I found my world was suddenly upside down. My feelings were crushed, my future seemed uncertain, and I felt completely abandoned. You were the soft landing I fell back on when I couldn’t handle it anymore. You smiled your sneaky smile, led the way, and I followed. We dyed our hair, we pierced our skin, and we ran about rampant like restless rebels. Our adventures were both extraordinary and unforgettable; we were partners in crime, and you were my other half. Music played loud, but our laughs were always louder. The room went silent but our eyes carried on the conversation. People came and people went, but people never came between us. Whatever we wanted, no matter how outlandish, we did it.

You had all the friendship I had to offer.

Time passed and my old past seemed more and more distant. We climbed higher mountains, explored deeper caves, and soon we had tasted every color of the rainbow. The wave grew bigger, the wave crested, the wave crashed, and suddenly there was a change. The pressure knocked you over, and now it was my turn to catch your fall. Back to the merry-go-round I carried you, and we went around once more... and around and around and around. The music played louder, the colors grew more vivid, I closed my eyes and shook my head and suddenly I realized it:

There was now a shadow over our perfect carnival.

The cotton candy molded, the rides rusted, and the games became fatal. You ran for cover in a house of mirrors and I followed once more. We lost ourselves, we lost our minds, we blew the fuses and we blew the lights. There was nothing but darkness, and then I got out.

I ran as Lot ran, and never looked back.

The months passed and when I thought back, I only saw black. Once upon a time I had another half that brought out the best in me, and then left me. You filled that void, but you brought out the worst in me. When you caught my fall, I fell into quicksand but was too blinded to realize it. I let you pull me under; and when we got to the bottom, you held out your hand and there was a ticking time bomb, just one tick away.

I couldn’t find “abort”

Now I sit here, years have passed, and I have a secret. There is a key that opens a box, and every so often I take a peek at it. Inside this box is the last ticket. One more admission to the carnival I once knew. I know the path, every single curve. In my dreams I turn on the lights and I drag you out of that house of mirrors and bring you back with me- but then I wake up. I wake up and I realize there is no carnival, there is no house of mirrors. There is only here and now; there are only my old memories and the new beginnings I have made.

But I will keep this key safe, as it reminds me of my strength.

My dear old friend, they say if you love something let it go. You see, I had to let you go, or we would have destroyed each other. I had to shut you back out even after you showed up again. I had to ignore you even after I forgave you. Truth is, I forgave you before I forgave myself. I pulled myself out, but I left you behind. I watched you drown in black water but I couldn’t pull you out. Back then I only had the strength to pull myself out, and I am so sorry. I’ve since chipped off the black, and I can see color again. I remember our fun and I giggle at our foolishness. I truly wish you the best.

As for me, I had to hit rock bottom so that I could look up and see the sky. I had to find my darkness before I could choose the light instead.

I had to grow up, I hope you could too.