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Karina Jan 2015
Half to Make a Whole

The idea of you was constantly wished for, obsessively even
After the battles, the victories, and all the emotions in between
There I was, in the middle and lost in anger
Stuck in bitterness, drowning in sadness
Black tears in my pillow and papers scrawled in doom
If only I’d known then
Under the same stars, under the same moon
In the middle of a battle not many miles away
There you were too

Through all the lies
Through all the spite
With every self threat
With every dry click click click
I pitied myself as I sat there alone
Little did I know

Years kept passing, and the world kept turning
I saw snow capped mountains, glistening in the light
I saw ******* demons, some took me by the hand
I flew up in the air and spiraled down to the earth
I took many paths in the forest of the unknown
I and walked them alone

Soon I was free, I found my own me
I found a small light to end all of the night
An old idea surfaced, a truth was told
I’d walked many paths
But I never walked them alone

Under the same sky
Across boundaries made by man
You waited with patience
Forced to watch from afar
One day we’d unite
And that day would come soon

I don’t know the rules
Not the protocol even
But as soon as my eyes were open
All of my love was given

A half and a half, indeed they make a whole
All of the times I felt alone
Little had I known.
Karina Jan 2015
How did you get here?
Perhaps there was a big bang, and so you were.
Maybe you hit the ground running as fast as your legs could take you.
Was it so that you opened you mouth and words poured out perfectly?
Perchance all that was obtainable was already yours.

My journey was not of such ease.
I was birthed after hours of labor.
For every step I walked I fell six times before.
For months my tears and laughs were my only way of expression.
My parents, as many, knew patience.

Our parents, our teachers, our siblings, even ourselves: we had patience.
We are here because of it.

Now we can marinate our meat for flavor, but we pop diet pills for fast results.
Now we can slow cook our meals, but we abuse drugs to erase our sorrows.
Now we can raise a baby, but we let go of precious relationships too easily.
Now we can be a teacher, but we give up on ourselves.

Patience is putting in the effort for results, even when we don’t see the results for weeks, even months.
Patience is choosing the narrow road, even when the wide one is less lonely.
Patience is taking all the loops, kinks, and bumps as they come; and not giving up after the first couple roadblocks.
Patience is to love unconditionally, even if we have to step back for a little while.

Patience is all rage; we all need more of it.

We are all patients for patience, but we get too sick of waiting.
Our doctor was there, our remedy too, but a cheap high walked past and we chased it.
Karina Jan 2015
Dear Old Friend,

There was a time when I found my world was suddenly upside down. My feelings were crushed, my future seemed uncertain, and I felt completely abandoned. You were the soft landing I fell back on when I couldn’t handle it anymore. You smiled your sneaky smile, led the way, and I followed. We dyed our hair, we pierced our skin, and we ran about rampant like restless rebels. Our adventures were both extraordinary and unforgettable; we were partners in crime, and you were my other half. Music played loud, but our laughs were always louder. The room went silent but our eyes carried on the conversation. People came and people went, but people never came between us. Whatever we wanted, no matter how outlandish, we did it.

You had all the friendship I had to offer.

Time passed and my old past seemed more and more distant. We climbed higher mountains, explored deeper caves, and soon we had tasted every color of the rainbow. The wave grew bigger, the wave crested, the wave crashed, and suddenly there was a change. The pressure knocked you over, and now it was my turn to catch your fall. Back to the merry-go-round I carried you, and we went around once more... and around and around and around. The music played louder, the colors grew more vivid, I closed my eyes and shook my head and suddenly I realized it:

There was now a shadow over our perfect carnival.

The cotton candy molded, the rides rusted, and the games became fatal. You ran for cover in a house of mirrors and I followed once more. We lost ourselves, we lost our minds, we blew the fuses and we blew the lights. There was nothing but darkness, and then I got out.

I ran as Lot ran, and never looked back.

The months passed and when I thought back, I only saw black. Once upon a time I had another half that brought out the best in me, and then left me. You filled that void, but you brought out the worst in me. When you caught my fall, I fell into quicksand but was too blinded to realize it. I let you pull me under; and when we got to the bottom, you held out your hand and there was a ticking time bomb, just one tick away.

I couldn’t find “abort”

Now I sit here, years have passed, and I have a secret. There is a key that opens a box, and every so often I take a peek at it. Inside this box is the last ticket. One more admission to the carnival I once knew. I know the path, every single curve. In my dreams I turn on the lights and I drag you out of that house of mirrors and bring you back with me- but then I wake up. I wake up and I realize there is no carnival, there is no house of mirrors. There is only here and now; there are only my old memories and the new beginnings I have made.

But I will keep this key safe, as it reminds me of my strength.

My dear old friend, they say if you love something let it go. You see, I had to let you go, or we would have destroyed each other. I had to shut you back out even after you showed up again. I had to ignore you even after I forgave you. Truth is, I forgave you before I forgave myself. I pulled myself out, but I left you behind. I watched you drown in black water but I couldn’t pull you out. Back then I only had the strength to pull myself out, and I am so sorry. I’ve since chipped off the black, and I can see color again. I remember our fun and I giggle at our foolishness. I truly wish you the best.

As for me, I had to hit rock bottom so that I could look up and see the sky. I had to find my darkness before I could choose the light instead.

I had to grow up, I hope you could too.

— The End —