Dear Old Friend,
There was a time when I found my world was suddenly upside down. My feelings were crushed, my future seemed uncertain, and I felt completely abandoned. You were the soft landing I fell back on when I couldn’t handle it anymore. You smiled your sneaky smile, led the way, and I followed. We dyed our hair, we pierced our skin, and we ran about rampant like restless rebels. Our adventures were both extraordinary and unforgettable; we were partners in crime, and you were my other half. Music played loud, but our laughs were always louder. The room went silent but our eyes carried on the conversation. People came and people went, but people never came between us. Whatever we wanted, no matter how outlandish, we did it.
You had all the friendship I had to offer.
Time passed and my old past seemed more and more distant. We climbed higher mountains, explored deeper caves, and soon we had tasted every color of the rainbow. The wave grew bigger, the wave crested, the wave crashed, and suddenly there was a change. The pressure knocked you over, and now it was my turn to catch your fall. Back to the merry-go-round I carried you, and we went around once more... and around and around and around. The music played louder, the colors grew more vivid, I closed my eyes and shook my head and suddenly I realized it:
There was now a shadow over our perfect carnival.
The cotton candy molded, the rides rusted, and the games became fatal. You ran for cover in a house of mirrors and I followed once more. We lost ourselves, we lost our minds, we blew the fuses and we blew the lights. There was nothing but darkness, and then I got out.
I ran as Lot ran, and never looked back.
The months passed and when I thought back, I only saw black. Once upon a time I had another half that brought out the best in me, and then left me. You filled that void, but you brought out the worst in me. When you caught my fall, I fell into quicksand but was too blinded to realize it. I let you pull me under; and when we got to the bottom, you held out your hand and there was a ticking time bomb, just one tick away.
I couldn’t find “abort”
Now I sit here, years have passed, and I have a secret. There is a key that opens a box, and every so often I take a peek at it. Inside this box is the last ticket. One more admission to the carnival I once knew. I know the path, every single curve. In my dreams I turn on the lights and I drag you out of that house of mirrors and bring you back with me- but then I wake up. I wake up and I realize there is no carnival, there is no house of mirrors. There is only here and now; there are only my old memories and the new beginnings I have made.
But I will keep this key safe, as it reminds me of my strength.
My dear old friend, they say if you love something let it go. You see, I had to let you go, or we would have destroyed each other. I had to shut you back out even after you showed up again. I had to ignore you even after I forgave you. Truth is, I forgave you before I forgave myself. I pulled myself out, but I left you behind. I watched you drown in black water but I couldn’t pull you out. Back then I only had the strength to pull myself out, and I am so sorry. I’ve since chipped off the black, and I can see color again. I remember our fun and I giggle at our foolishness. I truly wish you the best.
As for me, I had to hit rock bottom so that I could look up and see the sky. I had to find my darkness before I could choose the light instead.
I had to grow up, I hope you could too.