A crack trailed down
The center of my heart
When I saw my dad cry
As his world fell apart

I remember him sitting
On the living room floor
Crying as his wife told him
He can't see his kids anymore

I got down beside him
And hugged him so tight
Wishing that I could make
Every thing right

But mommy was leaving
And taking us along
So he told us he loved us
And said to be strong

please leave your judgment of me

you and i may choose separate ways

but ultimately we both will have regrets,

both will experience what it means to love

im henk holveck.

not the name given to me at birth,

why? it takes far too much innocence

and causes far too much guilt to hear such bitter words.

when you are ten and you absorb the words,

you immediately lose all your trust,

you don’t know what or who to believe,

i wish i had some more answers

i don’t blame my guardians,

as they didn’t know either

but now that im a grown androgynous mind

i feel more alone every second

i feel as though i’ve raised myself…

and by that i mean had to raise myself to manage emotions

to this day when i feel lonely im told to fold it up,

into ignorant acid soaked paper as green and painful as discharge.

everyone who still talks to me likes to ask

what happened? why did you turn out like this?

i just politely smile and tell them,

i was born to be misunderstood.

because this is my life and i’ll keep breathing till something inside tells me to leave.

Sometimes
I wish my parents
Had never separated

Eventhough
I know they are better off
Without eachother...
I never see my mom
Because part of me
Can't stop being mad
About the way that she
Abandoned dad and took me away

This pain
Took over a year
To find its place
Inside of me

I want to hear mom's
Beautiful voice
Lull me to sleep
Singing "Baby Mine"
As she did when I was a child
And trace her finger
Over the bridge of my nose
As tears fell from my eyes
She was a comfort to me

I want my mom
To be here to help me
Through college
Because I'm in it alone

I want her by my side
The motherly way
She was before
That's the version of her
That I ache for

But sometimes, I fear
That side of her is gone
She may never be
Who I once thought she was

It's usually late at night,
while reminiscing about the past,
that I'm taken to a time,
when I could fully be your dad.

Yet circumstances change,
and not always for the best.
But Warrin, know that I will wait,
to reunite with you, says fate.

Yes, things are not like I once dreamed,
this was definitely unforeseen.
But though it's difficult the ordeal,
we'll make that father-son dream real.

It's usually late at night,
...it can get pretty dark.
But you've become my one bright star,
so please...don't forget about your dad.

My parents divorced when I was only 18 months old.
It got to the point where my father kissed liquor bottles more than his own wife and his apologies turned into broken records.
It took sixteen years for my mother to decide it's strange for a man to blacken eyes more often than he sees his own children.
It's taken 15 years of my mother apologizing for me to realize that maybe she isn't apologizing for what should've been, but what shouldn't have needed to happen.
It's taken 20 years for my father to say sorry and mean it.
It's taken losing both his wives, his children, his mother, his father; everyone that ever loved him, for him to think, "maybe I'm the problem."
It's taken life threatening diseases, surgeries, hospital beds and no phone calls for him to wonder what'll happen if he doesn't make it.
It's taken lie after lie, his mother lying in a casket, me asking what we ever did to deserve this, what good could ever come of this, for him to ask, "what if we can't get past this?"

When I was younger, I would wait for him
to die. I loved him - at least I wished I did.
He used to be my D.A.D., and acronym.

Remaining in the mobile home, amid
his “hidden” *** toys and unlocked arsenal-
when he would return, my brother and I hid.

His I.Q.? Soaring, but he lacked a soul,
he killed kittens for fun and never got caught.
Covert sociopath; maintaining control.

Court ordered visits left my mother distraught,
she wrestled the system over us for years,
our knight in shining armor that always fought.

The battle was won after many shed tears -
to a ****** life we forged, pioneers.